GEORGEI can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?"
JERRYI know what you mean.
GEORGEDo ya?
JERRYIt's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.
GEORGESame thing!
JERRYNot really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you.
GEORGEExcuse me. Are you using your catsup?
WOMANWhat do you think? You want to give him the catsup?
MANIt's up to you.
WOMANYou know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.
JERRYSo what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?
GEORGENah - what for?
JERRYTo see a movie.
GEORGEI've been to the movies.
JERRYNot this movie.
GEORGEThey're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.
JERRYDid you shower today?
GEORGEYeah.
JERRYThat's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.
GEORGEWhen is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!
JERRYOh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.
GEORGEAh! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health.
WOMANAll right, we're done. You can have it now.
GEORGEOh, very gracious.
MANNice day
GEORGEYeah.
JERRYWhat is that?
KRAMERHey! JoJo!
JERRYEy, ey!
ELAINEAll right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.
KRAMERNo, thank you. So what are you doing?
JERRYNothing.
KRAMERCome on, let's go to the beach.
GEORGEWhat are you crazy?
KRAMERWhat? It's a beautiful day.
JERRYHave a good time.
KRAMERYeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air.
JERRYYou know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?
KRAMERYeah, there's something in the air.
ELAINEOh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back.
JERRYJill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?
ELAINEWhat? No good?
JERRYFaux pas.
ELAINEFaux pas?
GEORGEBig hefty stinking faux pas.
ELAINEWhy?
JERRYYou can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."
GEORGEOn-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.
JERRYIt's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.
GEORGEIt's dismissive.
JERRYIt's pompous.
GEORGEWhy don't you think before you do something?
ELAINEHere's a thought - Bye bye.
GEORGEToo much?
GEORGEBoy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that.
JERRYHey - hey - hey!
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYWhere do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.
GEORGEYou're so uptight.
JERRYUptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party.
PHONE TAPEJerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks.
JERRYHello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.
GEORGEWho's he?
JERRYHe is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."
GEORGEOur show, "Jerry"?
JERRYRight.
GEORGE"Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"?
JERRYYeah!
GEORGEWhen?
JERRYToday, like right now.
GEORGERight now? "Jerry"?
JERRY"Jerry"!
GEORGEHe wants to talk about "Jerry"?
JERRYHe wants to talk about "Jerry"!
GEORGE"Jerry"!
JERRY"Jerry"!
GEORGECan I go like this?
JERRYSure!
GEORGENo sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.
JERRYForget the sports jacket.
GEORGEI won't feel like a writer.
JERRYYou're not a writer.
GEORGERight!
GEORGEWater. Need some water! Water here!
JERRYOk, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.
GEORGEDon't worry, don't worry, no scenes.
JERRYDon't blow this.
GEORGEI will not blow this.
JERRYIf he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts.
GEORGEIt's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing.
JERRYHe might not want nothing.
GEORGESomething, nothing, I could care less.
JERRYHe might want a show about anything and everything.
GEORGEAnything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!
JERRYAll right.
RECEPTIONISTMr. Kimbrough is ready to see you
GEORGEMagic time.
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEnothing
RECEPTIONISTMr. Kimbrough.
STUHey, Jerry, good to see you.
GEORGEHey, hey, hey!
STUHow you been?
JERRYGood, good. You remember George.
STUGeorge, good to see you.
GEORGEHello Stu.
STUYou remember Jay Crespi.
GEORGEJay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi?
STUThis is James Kimbrough.
KIMBROUGHNice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.
GEORGEKimbrough.
JERRYDon't spell.
GEORGEK-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H
KIMBROUGHThat's right.
GEORGEIt's a talent I have.
KIMBROUGHWhy don't we sit down, glad you're here.
GEORGEWoo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp.
JERRYShut up, George.
KIMBROUGHCan I get you anything?
GEORGEWhat do we have in the fruit department?
JERRYOy.
STUPineapple.
GEORGEOh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the end. You can get killed from one of those things.
KIMBROUGHAnyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old.
GEORGEBeen there, done that.
KIMBROUGHRight. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.
GEORGEWater coolers?
CRESPIWe call it a water-cooler show.
JERRYBecause the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right?
GEORGESee, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.
JERRYWell it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show."
GEORGEIt's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles.
JERRYBut I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.
KIMBROUGHAnyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago.
STUI have always loved it.
KIMBROUGHHe said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you - I flipped out.
CRESPIHe totally flipped out.
KIMBROUGHWhat I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.
JERRYHe's a little off the wall.
CRESPIOh yeah.
STUKramer.
KIMBROUGHAnd Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.
JERRYDefinitely.
GEORGEI tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about.
KIMBROUGHOr we could not do the show altogether, how about that?
GEORGEOr we could get them together. Woo!
GEORGEYeah!
JERRYYeah!
ELAINEJill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?
JERRYHi. Elaine, it's me.
ELAINEJerry, I'm on the other line.
JERRYNo no - this is an emergency - get off the phone.
ELAINEI'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?
JERRYThe "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California!
ELAINEThat's the emergency?
JERRYDid you hear what I said?
ELAINEI was on the other line talking to Jill.
JERRYJill? Well, why didn't you say so?
ELAINEYou said it was an emergency.
JERRYSo now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.
HELENCongratulations, they're doing the show.
MORTYThey should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six.
HELENShe's not six-six.
MORTYJerry, you ever watch that?
JERRYYeah, it's pretty good.
ESTELLEThey picked up the show?
GEORGEI'm moving to California.
FRANKOh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.
ESTELLEThe NBC guy liked it?
GEORGEOf course he liked it.
ESTELLEHe told you he liked it?
GEORGEHe wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.
ESTELLEWell, what are you doing?
GEORGEI'm writing.
ESTELLEYou know how to write?
FRANKWithout the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.
ESTELLESince when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.
GEORGEMa?!
ESTELLEI don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas?
FRANKWould you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!
GEORGEI don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.
ESTELLENothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.
JERRYNBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great. Okay, bye.
KRAMEROh hey!
JERRYHey - how was the beach?
KRAMEROh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas
JERRYI had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing?
KRAMERYou know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear.
JERRYSo do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California!
KRAMERYou're moving to California?
JERRYYeah, only for a while.
KRAMERYeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back.
JERRYNo, I'll be back.
KRAMERJerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.
JERRYAnd my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California.
KRAMERFling!
ELAINESo we can go anywhere we want?
JERRYAnywhere.
ELAINEWhy are they doing this?
JERRYI think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years.
ELAINEThis is all very exciting.
GEORGESo? Where are we going?
KRAMERI say Japan.
ELAINEWhy Japan?
KRAMEROh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing - or baking.
ELAINEOh - I got it - how about Russia?
JERRYRussia, it's so bleak.
ELAINEIt's not bleak - it's springtime.
JERRYIt's still bleak.
ELAINEYou can't be bleak in spring.
JERRYYou can be bleak in spring.
GEORGEIf you're bleak, you're bleak.
ELAINEWhat about Switzerland?
KRAMEROh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh?
GEORGEIt's a bit hilly - no?
ELAINEYou're not going to do any walking.
GEORGEWhat if I want to walk around a little?
ELAINESo then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up.
GEORGEWhat if I'm at the bottom?
ELAINEAll right! You know what, just forget it!
JERRYAlright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we all just go to Paris?
ELAINEI'll go to Paris.
GEORGEMe too.
KRAMEROh yeah - oui oui.
JERRYSo that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris.
GROUPYeah!
ELAINEHey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go.
JERRYWait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation.
ELAINEWell, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?
JERRYFirst you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about a plane call?
ELAINEAll right, I'll just have to call her from Paris.
NEWMANHello, Jerry.
JERRYHello, Newman. What gives?
NEWMANI was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?
JERRYYeah, that's right.
NEWMANWell, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.
JERRYReally.
NEWMANOh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.
JERRYThat's a shame.
NEWMANTake me! Take me!
JERRYOh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!
NEWMANAll right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down.
CAPTAINAh, Jerry?
JERRYYeah.
CAPTAINI'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?
JERRYAll set. We'll just grab the bags.
CAPTAINDon't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.
JERRYJust keeps on getting better and better.
JERRYNot bad.
ELAINEWow!
KRAMERThe only way to fly.
GEORGEThis is it?
GEORGEI'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer.
JERRYYou're complaining about a private jet?
GEORGEYou think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?
JERRYTed Danson is not even on the network anymore.
GEORGEStill, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.
ELAINEWill you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip.
GEORGEThis is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough.
JERRYYou're not writing any letters!
ELAINEWill you turn around?
GEORGEWhy?
ELAINEYou are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate.
GEORGEIt's effeminate to sit like this?
ELAINEYes, I think it's a little effeminate.
GEORGEHow is this effeminate?
ELAINEI don't know - it just is.
GEORGEKramer, what are you doing?
JERRYStill got water in your ear?
KRAMERCan't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.
GEORGEWould you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane.
KRAMERI got to get it out, I can't take this anymore.
GEORGEKramer, don't be fooling around up here.
GEORGEKramer!
CAPTAINHey, get the hell out of here!
ELAINEWhat is that?
GEORGEOh my God!
ELAINEWhat is that noise? What is that noise?
JERRYKramer, what the hell did you do?
KRAMERI lost my balance.
ELAINEOh my God!
ELAINEWhat's going on?
JERRYKramer!
KRAMERIt was an accident.
GEORGEI told you to stop with the hopping.
ELAINEOh my God, we're going down. We're going to die!
GEORGEJust when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.
JERRYIs this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this.
KRAMERI'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!
GEORGEJerry? Jerry can you hear me?
JERRYYeah.
GEORGEThere's something I have to tell you.
JERRYWhat? What is it?
GEORGEI cheated in the contest.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEThe contest - I cheated.
JERRYWhy?
GEORGEBecause I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.
JERRYGreat - I won.
ELAINEJerry, I gotta tell you something too.
JERRYYeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you.
ELAINENo no - me first.
JERRYAlright.
ELAINEJerry, I've always loved ..u..
GEORGEHey - What's going on?
KRAMERWe're straightening out!
ELAINEWe're straightening out?
JERRYWe're straightening out!
GEORGEWe're straightening out!
GROUPYeah!
CAPTAINWell, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems.
JERRYWhere are we?
CAPTAINLatham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.
JERRYOkay.
ELAINEOkay.
JERRYWe'll see you later.
ELAINEWell, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane?
JERRYI say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight.
GEORGEI'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.
ELAINEWell, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.
GEORGEFirst class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane.
JERRYAlright, I'll feel him out.
GEORGEYeah, just tell him to hurry it up.
STRANGERNice day.
JERRYAnother one?
ROBBERAlright fatso, out of the car.
KRAMERI want to capture this.
ROBBERCome on! Gimme your wallet.
VOGELDon't shoot.
JERRYWell, there goes the money for the lipo.
ELAINESee, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya!
GEORGEHe's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.
ROBBERI want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on.
JERRYThat's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC.
VOGELOfficer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything!
JERRYOkay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.
KRAMERAll right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out.
ELAINEForget it.
JERRYNo, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville.
OFFICERAll right, hold it right there.
KRAMERWhat?
OFFICERYou're under arrest.
JERRYUnder arrest? What for?
OFFICERArticle 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.
ELAINEWhat? No, no - we didn't do anything.
OFFICERThat's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable todo so.
GEORGEI never heard of that.
OFFICERIt's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go.
ELAINEThe Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?
GEORGEWhy would we want to help somebody?
ELAINEI know.
GEORGEThat's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.
KRAMERThe Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people.
ELAINEAlright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is.
DEPUTYWell, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around.
JERRYOh, yeah.
ELAINEOh, yeah.
DEPUTYYou're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country.
GEORGEAll right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and get the hell out of here.
DEPUTYWell, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as five years in prison.
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGEOh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV show.
DEPUTYCalifornia? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.
CHILESWho told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.
SECRETARYJerry Seinfeld on the phone.
CHILESYou people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right away.
HOYTSo they got Jackie Chiles, huh? (Sets down the newspaper) Uh hmm. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean everything.
KRAMERMmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?
GEORGEWould it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup.
ELAINEI guess we could've called for help.
JERRYBut then we would have missed the whole thing.
KRAMERI still had it on video. We could have watched it later.
GEORGEYeah, he's right.
JERRYI forgot about the video.
ELAINESure - the video.
ELAINEWhat is that?
JERRYPlane's ready.
RIVERAHi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane-
WELLSYes. Good evening, Geraldo.
RIVERAWhat's the mood? What's going on tonight?
WELLSWell, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.
RIVERAAnd what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up?
WELLSWell, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group."
RIVERAAnything else, Jane?
WELLSThere also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly.
RIVERAWell, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.
HELENI hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks.
MORTYWhat's all that?
HELENCereal.
MORTYYou're packing cereal?
HELENI'm bringing it for Jerry.
MORTYYou got enough here for a life sentence.
HELENHe likes it. He says he misses that more that anything.
MORTYSo bring a snack-pack.
ESTELLEPoor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.
FRANKMaybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that.
ESTELLEOh, so it was my fault, but not yours.
FRANKYou were the one who smothered him.
ESTELLEI did not smother him.
FRANKYou smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!
ESTELLESure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis.
FRANKI had to make a living!
KRAMERThis is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last.
JERRYYou know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.
KRAMERI bet.
JERRYIt's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
CHILESGood morning.
ELAINEGood morning, Jackie.
JERRYGood morning.
CHILESIs everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?
GEORGEIt makes me look older.
CHILESLook older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.
CHILESDo you think it's funny?
JERRYNo.
CHILESYou damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.
ELAINEHow do I look, Jackie?
CHILESOh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady.
ELAINEThank you, Jackie.
KRAMERHow bout me, Jackie?
CHILESKramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that.
CHILESHere.
JERRYThis one?
CHILESThat's right.
JERRYDo I have to?
ELAINEJackie says put it on, Jerry.
BAILIFFAll rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.
GEORGEVandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?
CHILESVanda who?
GEORGEJerry, did you hear that?
JERRYYeah.
GEORGEI think that's a good sign.
VANDELAYIs the District Attorney ready to proceed?
HOYTWe are, Your Honor.
VANDELAYMr. Hoyt.
HOYTLadies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will pay.
VANDELAYMr. Chiles.
CHILESI am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing - lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them.
VANDELAYIs the prosecution ready to present its first witness?
HOYTWe are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand.
BAILIFFCall Matt Vogel.
HOYTSo they were just standing there?
VOGELYes.
HOYTDid one of them have a video camera?
VOGELYes.
HOYTYour Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as Exhibit A.
VANDELAYProceed.
VOGELDon't shoot.
JERRYWell, there goes the money for the lipo.
ELAINESee, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya!
GEORGEHe's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.
[New Witnessthe victim of the robbery]
HOYTSo they just stood there and did nothing?
VOGELYeah, nothing. Nothing!
HOYTNo further questions.
GEORGEHey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us killed!
HOYTCall Mabel Choate to the stand.
BAILIFFCall Mabel Choate.
CHILESYour Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.
HOYTYour Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for years.
VANDELAYObjection overruled. I'll hear the witness.
HOYTNow, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th.
CHOATEWell, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.
HOYTLet the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.
HOYTWhat did he want?
CHOATEMy marble rye.
HOYTYour marble rye?
CHOATEI got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no.
HOYTAnd then you left the bakery.
CHOATEThat's right.
HOYTBut it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?
CHOATEOh no.
JERRYGimme that rye.
CHOATEStop it.
JERRYI want that rye lady.
CHOATEHelp - someone help.
JERRYShut up, you old bag!
HOYTNo further questions.
HOYTI call Marla Penny to the stand.
BAILIFFCall Marla Penny.
JERRYThe virgin!
HOYTAnd what was your connection to the defendants?
PENNYI dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992.
HOYTThen on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened.
PENNYIt's rather difficult to talk about.
HOYTIt's alright. Take your time.
PENNYWell, I became aware of a -
HOYTA what?
PENNYA, uh -
HOYTYes?
PENNYA contest.
HOYTContest?
PENNYYes.
HOYTWhat was the nature of the contest?
PENNYOh please, I can't.
HOYTIt's okay.
PENNYThe four of them made a wager to see if they could -
HOYTYes?
PENNYTo see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves.
PETERMANFor the love of God!
PENNYIt was horrible, horrible!
HOYTCall Donald Sanger to the stand.
JERRYWho the hell is that?
MR. SANGERCome on Donald, you're doing fine.
GEORGEThe Bubble Boy!
CHILESBubble Boy?
JERRYThat's right, the Bubble Boy.
CHILESWhat's a Bubble Boy?
JERRYHe's a boy who lives in a bubble.
BUBBLE BOYWhat the hell are all you looking at?
HOYTSo Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992.
BUBBLE BOYWell, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.
GEORGEWho invaded Spain in the Eighth Century?
BUBBLE BOYThat's a joke - the Moors.
GEORGEOh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops.
BUBBLE BOYMoops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint.
GEORGESorry, the card says Moops.
BUBBLE BOYIt doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops.
GEORGEIt's Moops.
BUBBLE BOYMoors!
GEORGEMoops!
GEORGEHelp! Someone!
BUBBLE BOYThere's no Moops, you idiot.
SUSANStop it! Let go of him!
MRS. SANGERDonald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it.
GEORGEIt was Moops.
BUBBLE BOYMoors.
[New Witnessthe lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped Spot"]
HOYTSo Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed?
LADYThat's right.
HOYTAnd then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair?
LADYThat's right.
[New WitnessDr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died]
HOYTSo you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?
WILCOXYes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it.
HOYTSo you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?
WILCOXI would describe it as restrained jubilation.
MR. ROSSMurderer!
MRS. ROSSHe killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic!
VANDELAYOrder in this court!
HOYTCall Sidra Holland to the stand.
CHILESWhew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her?
HOYTSo you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?
SIDRAYes.
HOYTAnd you also met Miss Benes in that same health club?
SIDRAYes, that's true.
HOYTWould you describe the circumstances of that meeting.
SIDRAWe were in the sauna, making chit-chat.
SIDRAYou know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie.
ELAINEOh, hi, I'm Elaine.
HOYTSo, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts?
SIDRAYes.
HOYTWhy would she do something like that?
SIDRABecause he sent her in there to find out if they were real.
[New WitnessJoe Bookman, library cop]
HOYTState your name.
BOOKMANBookman, Joe Bookman.
HOYTAnd what's your occupation?
BOOKMANI'm a library cop.
HOYTWhat does a library cop do?
BOOKMANWe chase down library delinquents.
HOYTAnyone in this room ever delinquent?
BOOKMANYeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.
HOYTHow long was his book overdue?
BOOKMAN25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
HOYTWhat do you call them?
BOOKMANCriminals.
[New WitnessGeorge's old girlfriend]
HOYTSo you and Mr. Costanza were dating.
WOMANYes.
HOYTAnd then what happened?
WOMANWell, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and -
GEORGEFire! Get out of the way!
[New Witnessparking lot security guard]
GUARDAt the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.
JERRYWhy would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
GUARDI don't know.
JERRYBecause I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why.
HOYTUromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!
CHILESObjection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical condition is not on trial here! I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.
VANDELAYSit down, Mr. Chiles.
[New WitnessPolice Detective]
HOYTAlright, Detective, then what happened?
DETECTIVEWe got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot.
PROSTITUTEYou just cost me some money.
KRAMERCool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.
POLICEPolice officers - freeze right there!
HOYTSo Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.
[Witnessthe low-talker from "The Puffy Shirt"]
HOYTSo you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?
LOW-TALKER(Mumbles)
HOYTExcuse me?
CHILESUh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on.
[New WitnessGeorge Steinbrenner]
HOYTCall George Steinbrenner to the stand.
BAILIFFCall George Steinbrenner.
HOYTSo George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?
STEINBRENNERYes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?
GEORGEYes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.
STEINBRENNERHe had one little problem though.
HOYTWhat was that?
STEINBRENNERHe was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak.
FRANKHow could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?!
VANDELAYOrder!
[New WitnessMarcellino from "The Little Jerry"]
HOYTCock fighting?
MARCELLINOCock fighting.
[New WitnessPharmacist from "The Sponge"]
PHARMACISTSponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of them.
[New WitnessElaine's old boyfriend from work]
MANShe exposed her nipple.
[New WitnessMr. Pitt]
HOYTHow did she try to kill you?
PITTShe tried to smother me with a pillow.
HOYTCall Yev Kassem to the stand.
BAILIFFCall Yev Kassem.
JERRYWho?
ELAINEThe Soup Nazi!
CHILESSoup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.
HOYTState your name.
SOUP NAZIYev Kassem.
HOYTCould you spell that?
SOUP NAZINo! Next question.
HOYTHow do you know the defendants?
SOUP NAZIThey used to come to my restaurant.
GEORGEMedium turkey chili.
JERRYMedium crab bisque.
GEORGEI didn't get any bread.
JERRYJust forget it. Let it go.
GEORGEUm, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.
SOUP NAZIYou want bread?
GEORGEYes, please.
SOUP NAZIThree dollars!
GEORGEWhat?
SOUP NAZINo soup for you!
SOUP NAZIBut the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the woman - for a year. Then one day, she came back.
ELAINEFive cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds celery.
SOUP NAZIThat's my recipe for wild mushroom.
ELAINEYou're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!
SOUP NAZIShe published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She ruined my business!
ELAINESoup's not all that good anyway.
SOUP NAZIWhat did you say?!
HOYTThe state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.
JERRYHow did they find Babu?
ELAINEI thought he was deported.
HOYTYou came a long way to be here today, haven't you?
HOYTAnd what's your connection to the defendant?
HOYTAnd then what happened?
RIVERAHi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane -
WELLSGeraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape.
RIVERAThat's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery.
WELLSYes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months.
RIVERAJane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury?
WELLSThat is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on, and on, and on, into the night.
RIVERAAnd so we wait.
JERRYDo they make you wear uniforms in prison?
ELAINEI think so.
JERRYIt's not that bright orange one is it?
ELAINEI hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange.
KRAMERWill you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?
ESTELLESorry to bother you, Judge.
VANDELAYHow did you get in here?
ESTELLEPlease, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy.
VANDELAYThis is highly irregular.
ESTELLEWell, maybe there's something I can do for you.
VANDELAYWhat do you mean?
ESTELLEYou know
SIDRAOh, Jackie, you're so articulate.
CHILESWe have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days.
CHILESHello? Damn. They're ready.
JERRYHey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down?
ELAINEI've always loved ... United Airlines.
KRAMERI think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me.
JERRYMaybe because she knows you're going to jail.
BAILIFFAll rise.
VANDELAYLadies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
FOREMANWe have, Your Honor.
VANDELAYWill the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference?
FOREMANWe find the defendants - guilty.
VANDELAYOrder! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned.
GEORGEYou had to hop! You had to hop on the plane.
ELAINEPuddy, don't wait for me.
PUDDYAlright.
FRANKWe gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic.
SIDRACome on, Jackie. Let's go.
JERRYWhat?
CHILESOh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.
JERRYWell, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back
KRAMERCould be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.
ELAINEWhy don't you just blow it out your a...
ELAINEIf I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?
JERRYSure.
ELAINECause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.
JERRYI think that would be a very nice gesture.
KRAMERI got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief.
JERRYSee now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
GEORGEReally?
JERRYOh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
GEORGEHaven't we had this conversation before?
JERRYYou think?
GEORGEI think we have.
JERRYYeah, maybe we have.
JERRYSo what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?
PRISONER 1I am.
JERRYI'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
PRISONER 2Murder one.
JERRYMurder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?
PRISONER 3Grand theft auto.
JERRYGrand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.
PRISONER 3You suck - I'm gonna cut you.
JERRYHey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.
GUARDAlright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
JERRYAlright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.