JERRY (to waitress)Cup of tea with lemon.
GEORGEWhat happened to your voice?
JERRYI was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo.
GEORGEWell, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza.
JERRYIs this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
GEORGEThe nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.
JERRYYou mean like...Liza!
GEORGEBut I was thinking...T-bone.
JERRYBut there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?
GEORGEThere's no G-bone.
JERRYThere's a g-spot.
GEORGEThat's a myth.
JERRYT-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.
ELAINEWhy did they hire you for a rodeo?
JERRYThey heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.
ELAINEDidn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or--
JERRYOh, I had that comin' to me.
ELAINEYou know, Kenny Rogers has a-
ELAINE (whispering)Why did you get a maid?
JERRYYou don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.
ELAINEWhere did you get her?
JERRYI hired her from a service!
MAIDAll done.
JERRYThank you. Nice job.
MAIDIs this mine?
JERRYYeah.
JERRYWhat?
ELAINECome on, Jerry. You didn't notice?
JERRYNotice what? She's not really even a maid.
ELAINEOh.
JERRYShe wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman.
ELAINEUh-huh. News woman. Yeah.
KRAMERHey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away.
JERRYYou have a girlfriend?
KRAMERJerry, where have you been?
JERRYAt a rodeo. Where's she moving?
KRAMERDowntown.
ELAINEDowntown New York?
KRAMERYeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.
JERRYIt's like 10 minutes by subway.
KRAMERI don't know.
KRAMEROh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's a 646.
ELAINEWhat? What is that?
JERRYThat's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646.
ELAINEI was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night.
KRAMERListen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.
ELAINEAt work?
KRAMERNo. At your apartment.
ELAINEI don't have a fax machine.
JERRYHere we go.
KRAMERWell, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.
JERRYAnd a dead bolt.
ELAINEThen maybe you have a fax machine.
KRAMERYou just blew my mind.
KRUGERLet's order lunch.
KRUGERMary, I will have a chef's salad.
MALE WORKERTurkey sandwich.
GEORGET-bone steak.
KRUGERFor lunch?
GEORGEWell, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me--
WATKINSThat sounds good. I'll have one, too.
KRUGERWatkins, you're havin' a T-bone?
WATKINSI love 'em.
KRUGERWell, then we should call you T-bone.
GEORGEUh, no. No, we shouldn't.
KRUGERT-bone!
ALL (chanting)T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!
ELAINEHello?
ELAINEWhat?
MACHINEYou have 57 messages. Message one...
MACHINEMessage two...
MACHINEMessage three...
GEORGEHey, it's George. Listen, I-
MACHINEMessage four...
EALINEHello?
ELAINEAah!
JERRYWell Cindy, the place looks great.
CINDYThanks Jerry, gotta run.
JERRYOk, I'll see ya.
CINDYHi, Elaine.
ELAINEAll right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision.
JERRYElaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications?
ELAINEYou are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you.
JERRYNo. I pay her to clean. The rest is--
ELAINEWhat? A health plan?
JERRYI was going to say, "Being a good host."
ELAINEOh-ho-ho. Oh.
JERRYBut the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated.
ELAINESo you consider this a relationship?
JERRYYes, I do.
ELAINEOh. Have you been out?
JERRYYes, we have.
ELAINEWhere did you go?
JERRYThe store.
ELAINEMm! To get what?
JERRYStuff.
ELAINECleaning supplies?
JERRYAnd gum.
ELAINEOh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum.
JERRYShe's not a maid. She might be a news woman!
KRAMERHey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh nguh--on her way. I miss her already.
ELAINEHey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds?
KRAMERWell, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants.
ELAINEWhich ones?
KRAMERWell, all of them. It's the deluxe package.
ELAINESo this is never gonna stop?
KRAMERWell, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later?
ELAINEYou can pick 'em up right now.
KRAMERAh!
ELAINE (thinking)I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared...would anybody notice?
PHONE MANAll right, miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new number.
ELAINEAhem. 646? What is this?
PHONE MANThat's your new area code.
ELAINEI thought 646 was just for new numbers.
PHONE MANThis is a new number.
ELAINENo, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's--it's--it's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed.
PHONE MANLook, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.
ELAINEYou know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known.
PHONE MANI could've killed you, and no one would've known.
JERRYKramer, you're still on the phone?
KRAMERMadeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?
JERRYReally? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?
KRAMER (into phone)Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too.
JERRYMadeline stays here.
JERRYHey, T-bone!
GEORGENo. No T-bone.
JERRYNo T-bone?
KRAMER (from bathroom)Hey, is that T-bone?!
JERRYNo! There's no T-bone!
KRAMERWell, why no T-bone?!
JERRYWhy no T-bone?
GEORGE'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone!
KRAMEROh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone?
KRAMEROh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.
GEORGEYour girlfriend is doin' your laundry?
KRAMER (from hallway)He's sleeping with his maid!
GEORGEYou're sleepin' with the maid?
JERRYYes.
GEORGEI've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?
JERRYNo.
MANYou're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number.
ELAINENo, I'm not. Here you go.
MAN646?
ELAINEIt's a new area code.
MANWhat area? New Jersey?
ELAINENo, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same.
MANDo I have to dial a one first?
MANI'm really kinda seein' somebody.
ELAINEYeah? Well, so am I!
GEORGEExcuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins?
WATKINSIt's T-bone.
GEORGEThe thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.
WATKINSHeh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're a perfect George.
GEORGEWhat? Now, you listen to me!
KRUGERHey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of that monkey that could read sign language?
WATKINSAll right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying.
GEORGE (sniffling)I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies.
GEORGEOk, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as-
KRUGERKoko the monkey.
GEORGEWhat?
ALL (chanting)Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!
MANThank you both for being here.
EALINEUm, excuse me. I live in the building. Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz?
MANShe passed.
ELAINEOh, I'm so sorry.
MANThank you.
ELAINEA quick question-- did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?
CINDYI can't find my earring. Oh, here it is.
KRAMERHey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?
JERRYYeah. It's in your closet.
KRAMERNo, no, no. I looked.
JERRYThey're behind my skis and my tennis racket.
KRAMERThanks, buddy.
JERRYWhere you goin'?
KRAMERHuh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy?
JERRYWell, she's here. She just didn't get around to it.
KRAMEROh.
CINDYHi, Kramer.
CINDYThanks, Jerry. Bye.
KRAMERWell, what's the matter?
JERRYWhat did I just pay for?
KRAMERUh-oh. You're a john.
JERRYKoko?
GEORGEKoko.
JERRYWell, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.
GEORGEYeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?
JERRYWell, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex.
GEORGETell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then--
JERRYNo, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.
GEORGEHow much you pay this maid?
JERRY40
GEORGE40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was.
JERRYI don't know what this is.
KRAMERHey, hey, hey. Look at that.
JERRYOoh.
KRAMERJerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry.
GEORGEI can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward.
KRAMERWell, now I can't see Jerry.
JERRYI look about the same.
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYI was talking to him.
KRAMERWhat?
JERRYNever mind.
KRAMERCome on. What'd he say?
GEORGENever mind.
KRAMERJerry, come on. What'd you say?
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERCome on. Where'd you go?
JERRYGo back.
KRAMEREh! Come on. What did you say?
JERRYI said, never mind.
KRAMERYeah. I know that. Uh, uh.
JERRYI hate the counter.
ELAINEHey.
JERRYHey.
ELAINEI hate the counter.
KRAMERWho's that?
ELAINE (to Jerry)Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.
JERRYOh, she didn't mind?
ELAINENo. She died.
JERRYHey, that's great.
GEORGEWhat happened to Mrs. Krantz?
JERRYElaine got a new number because she died.
KRAMERNewman died?
ELAINEWhat did he say?
JERRYSome new kind of pie.
GEORGEI'll try a piece.
KRAMERAll right, who's down there?
JERRYHey, there's a booth.
KRAMERHey, Elaine.
ELAINEOh, hi.
KRAMERDid you hear about Newman?
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGEHey.
JERRYSo how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?
GEORGEOh, yeah.
JERRYDouble zero?
GEORGEIt's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah."
CINDYYour nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco.
GEORGEReally? Coco?
CINDYYeah. Coco. That girl's all right.
GEORGEYou know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.
JERRYSounds like he runs a real tight ship.
GEORGESay good-bye to Koko.
JERRYGood-bye, Koko.
KRAMERBye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.
JERRYKramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.
KRAMEROh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you!
CINDYWhat was that?
JERRYI didn't hear anything.
CINDYAll right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something?
JERRYOh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit.
CINDYNo. My money.
JERRYFor what?
CINDYFor my maid services. You booked me for today.
JERRYBut you didn't really do any work.
CINDYI made the bed.
JERRYBut you took a nap in it.
CINDYSo?
JERRYI thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making.
CINDYNo. That was the maid.
JERRYWell, who took the nap?
CINDYThe girlfriend.
JERRY$40 seems kind of steep for a nap.
CINDYSo, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute?
JERRYHo, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.
CINDYYou know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid.
JERRYSo is this a breakup/quitting?
CINDYYeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again.
JERRYOh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!
PHONE MANSign here.
ELAINEYes! 212.
ELAINEHey, what happened to the guy I had last time?
PHONE MANOh, you know, it's an odd thing. He went out on a job and never came back. Nobody knows what happened.
ELAINEAll right! I am back in the game.
ELAINEHello?
BOYGammy!
ELAINENo. You got the wrong number, kid.
BOYGammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. Why haven't you called?
ELAINEOh...nuts.
BOYDo you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?
ELAINENo. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here.
JERRYSo the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?
ELAINEHit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?
JERRYMiss.
ELAINEHe called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family.
JERRYI wouldn't worry about it. B-6?
ELAINEHit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.
JERRYElaine...
JERRYHello?
COMPUTER VOICEYou have a collect call from--
KRAMERHey, buddy, don't say no!
JERRYI accept.
KRAMERI went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over."
JERRYWell, what happened?
KRAMERI think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.
JERRYWhat's around you?
KRAMERI'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?
JERRYIs it Famous Ray's?
KRAMERNo. It's Original Ray's.
JERRYFamous Original Ray's?
KRAMERIt's just Original, Jerry!
JERRYWell, what street are you on?
KRAMERHey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.
JERRYJust wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you!
KRAMERAah!
MANYou Steinfeld?
JERRYYeah.
MANMy name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place.
JERRYCindy.
MANShe says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay.
JERRYYou know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do.
MANOh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter--
JERRYHey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.
MANYou know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?
JERRYWhat?
MANWell, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her.
JERRYI don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.
MANHey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. Tax purposes.
ELAINEBobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so good. I think Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.
BOBBY9-1-1.
JERRYNexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.
CINDYWhat do you want?
JERRYHere. I got your money.
CINDYI don't want any money from you.
JERRYCome on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya.
POLICELooking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie?
JERRYWell, this is all very sophisticated.
FIREMANAll right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna make it!
ELAINEAah!
MAXWELLHey, you look a little lost. You from around here?
KRAMERUh, no.
MAXWELLYou know where you're going?
KRAMERNot really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is.
MAXWELLDoesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money?
KRAMERUh, no.
MAXWELLYou wanna make some?
KRAMEROk.
MAXWELLDo you know how to use a mop wringer?
KRAMERYeah, yeah.
MAXWELLWhy don't you get in the car?
KRAMERHi. Ahh...these are soft seats.
KRUGERHey, Koko, Who's this?
GEORGEThis is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir.
KRUGERSo you're just hiring new people now? That's your job, to hire people?
GEORGEYes?
KRUGEROk, good enough for me, Koko.
KRUGERAhem. Now, what's your name?
COCOMy name is Coco. Coco Higgins.
GEORGECoco?
KRUGERWe can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being George.
GEORGEWell, it was a hell of a ride.
KRUGERAll right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off?
COCOWhen I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ--
GEORGEAh, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy.
COCOWhat did you say about my Gammy?
GEORGEForget Gammy.
KRUGERWho's Gammy?
GEORGEThere's no Gammy.
KRUGERMaybe there should be a Gammy.
GEORGEOh, no.
KRUGERGeorge.
ALL (chanting)Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!
GEORGEGammy's gettin' upset!