[SettingA car dealership]
GEORGEWhen are they gonna have the flying cars, already?
JERRYYeah, they have been promising that for a while..
GEORGEYears. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner.
JERRYI think Ed Begley Jr. has one.
GEORGENo. That's just electric.
JERRYWhat about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one.
GEORGE(Sarcastically) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
JERRYWell, what do you think the big holdup is?
GEORGEThe government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production.
JERRYYeah, right. And what about the floating cities?
GEORGEAnd the underwater bubble cities?
JERRYIt's like we're living in the '50s here.
KRAMERIt's good suspension!
JERRY(To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. (Gestures to a black Saab)
GEORGEShhh What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here.
JERRY(Gestures to his forehead) Youre getting that vein again.
GEORGEI'm starving. We should have had lunch first..
JERRY(Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal.
GEORGESince when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic.
JERRYI guess he graduated.
GEORGEThere's an easy move go from screwin' you behind your back to screwin' you right to your face.
JERRY(To Kramer) Thank you.
GEORGEPuddys just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptically) Youll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, youre on your back like a turtle.
JERRYAll right. Calm down.
GEORGEMy father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next thing I know, Im gettin dropped of in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All the kids are shoutin at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George! Lets stuff Le George in Le Locker!"
KRAMERJerry, I dont think this thing is hooked up right.
JERRY(To Kramer) All right, were goin in.
SALESMANYouve got a good eye, there. I see youve noticed the uni-body construction. Im Rick. Are you looking to buy or to lease?
KRAMERUh, borrow. Its for my friend. Yeah, hell be buying..
RICKMaybe I should talk to him.
KRAMEROh, I dont think so. No, hes an entertainer. You know, all over the place. Thats where I come in.
RICKI see. So, youre his manag-
KRAMERYeah, neighbor. Thats right. Yeah, why dont we take this boiler out for a shakedown huh?
GEORGELook at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, "Ill walk out of here right now!"
SALESMANCan I help you with something?
GEORGE(Threatening) Hold it! One more step and were walkin!
JERRY(Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, were just waiting for David Puddy.
GEORGE(Still with a tone) He is. You dont know what Im doin here.
ELAINEHey.
JERRYHey.
PUDDYSorry Im late.
ELAINE(Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion.
JERRYAh. Whered you go?
ELAINE(Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant.
PUDDYArbys.
ELAINEI had the roast beef
JERRYSo, Puddy, I decided Im gonna go with another 900 convertible.
PUDDYAll right. Classic. (Holds his hand up) High-five.
ELAINE(Interrupting) David, can you tell me where the Xerox machine is?
PUDDYOh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room (Points) right there.
ELAINEOh. (Leaves for the room)
PUDDY(To Jerry and George) Hey, come on, guys. Ill show you the 900.
GEORGE(Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us the 900.
RICKAnd look at these features, Mr. Kramer Anti-lock brakes, automatic climate control. Uh, (Points out the windshield) make a right at this corner, please. (Goes back to the features) An adjustable steering wheel, and Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..
KRAMERNo, no, no, I didnt.
RICKWell, thats okay. (Pointing) Well make this next right, and swing around to get back to the dealership.
KRAMER(Up to something) Well, its a test drive, right? I never drive around here. If Im gonna recommend this car, I need to see that itll handle my daily routine.
RICKWell where are we going?
KRAMERJust a little place I like to call, "Youll see".
[SettingPuddys office]
GEORGEIm starving. You got any of those free donuts you use to soften people up?
PUDDY(Pointing out his office door) By the service department.
GEORGE(Getting up, he addresses Jerry) All right, remember no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble.
JERRY(As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George.
GEORGEDont think it cant happen! (Leaves)
JERRYSo, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
PUDDYI dont care for that term.
JERRYOh. Sorry, I didnt know..
PUDDYNo, I dont know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
JERRYI saw one once that could do sign language.
PUDDYYeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko.
JERRYYeah, Koko.
PUDDYRight, Koko. That chimps all right. (Holds up his hand) High-five.
GEORGEHey, hey, hey! Whats goin on here? (To Jerry) You didnt agree to anything, did ya?
JERRYNo. We both just saw the same monkey.
GEORGE(Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on the donuts. There were none left. Heh!
PUDDY(Standing up) Well, theres a vending machine. I could show you where it is. (Leaves, showing George the way)
GEORGE(To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar.
JERRY(Getting a dollar out) Wheres your money?
GEORGE(Talking it) Im here helpin you.
ELAINEHey. Wheres Puddy? The copy machine is broken.
GEORGE(On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. Thats what they want you to think.
JERRYHey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit?
ELAINE(Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting?
JERRYNo.
ELAINE(Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring?
JERRYNo. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five.
ELAINE(Shrugging) I thought all guys do that.
JERRYSlapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on - theyre doing sign language now.
ELAINEIts that bad?
JERRYWhat do you think the Nazis were doin? (Imitates the Nazis salute) That was the heil-five.
ELAINE(Pointing out) Isnt that from your act, like, ten years ago?
JERRY(Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the 80s, and its still relatable today.
PUDDYGood news. We got a 900 in black. Thats the hot color. (Holds up his hand) High-five.
ELAINEUm, David, you know what? Can you come help me fix the copy machine? Come.
PUDDY(Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five.
[SettingDealership back room]
GEORGETwix.. (Makes various noises) B-5.
GEORGEAh, come on!
GEORGEAh, excuse me. Do you have, uh, change of a dollar?
MECHANIC(While retrieving his candy) No.
GEORGECould I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar?
MECHANIC(While walking away) Dont have one.
GEORGE(Stopping him) Ah, excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet was open, I - I glanced inside, and I couldnt help but notice that you have several crisp dollar bills.
MECHANIC(Calm) Youre incorrect.
GEORGE(Persistent) Perhaps you could look again, please? Im very hungry.
MECHANIC(While taking his exit) We had donuts earlier.
GEORGE(Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old screwgie, huh?! Youre all doin a hell of a job! (Looks longingly at the Twix in the machine) Ho, ho. What I would do with you..
[SettingDealership car]
RICKUh, Mr. Kramer, were really not allowed to use the cars to run errands.
KRAMERNow look, Rick. Im very close to giving this car, that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. (Looks out the window) Oooh, Lets see if I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) Hey, Ladies! (Points to the car) Its the Saab 900! What do you think? Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geez
[SettingDealership back room]
JERRY(Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there.
GEORGEPeople can drop change down here, Jerry. And theyre too lazy to pick it up.
JERRYEither that, or theyve got a weird little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why dont you just go to the cashier?
GEORGEThe cashier is at lunch - which is where Id like to be.
JERRYHow much was under there?
GEORGE(Looking at his finger) I think somethin bit me. I just need another nickel.
JERRY(While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands him a nickel)
GEORGEHo, ho, ho! Hes got a live one. Hes just reeling his big fish in!
JERRYHey, can I have my dollar back?
GEORGE(Stingy) Its wrinkled. Its worthless.
GEORGE(As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the spindle right before falling. George begins to pound the machine) Come on! Jump!
MANThey just put out some more donuts.
GEORGEThey did?
MAN(Holding his up) Last one.
[SettingDealership car]
KRAMERWell, just one more errand and we can head back.
RICKActually, it looks like were gonna need some gas.
KRAMEROh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now?
RICK(Looking) Well, its on "E".
KRAMERYou know, Rick, oftentimes, Jerry - he lends me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons, I dont want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.
RICK(Pointing out) So, you want to know how far you can drive your friends car for free.
KRAMER(In the spotlight, his voice goes high) Well, I make it up to him in other ways.
[SettingDealership back room]
GEORGEAs you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains dangling in the machine. (Notices that the Twix slot is completely empty) Hey, its gone. Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic from before is eating a candy bar) What?! That guys eatin it!
SALESMANWell, how do you know that ones yours?
GEORGEUh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine! He mustve bought one, and gotten both.
SALESMANSir, are you gonna buy a car?
GEORGENo! (The salesman walks away. He addresses the mechanic through the doors window) Hey! Hey! I see you! That is my Twix! (The mechanic eats the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered. It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho!
PUDDYPaper jam.. Got it!
ELAINEYay!
PUDDY(Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind his back) On the flip side.
ELAINEDavid, um, I..
PUDDY(Still holding out his hand) Dont leave me hangin.
ELAINEYoure a salesman now - and the high-five is its very grease monkey.
PUDDYWhat did I tell you about that?
ELAINEAh, I, Im sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
PUDDY(Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? Ill tell you whats stupid. You. Stupid.
ELAINE(Sarcastically) Oh, that is really mature.
PUDDYYeah? So are you. Youre the grease monkey.
ELAINE(Confused at Davids attempts at a comeback) Uh that doesnt make any sense. I am leaving.
PUDDYYeah, if you leave, were through.
ELAINEFine! Were through!
PUDDYOh, so youre leaving?
ELAINE(While leaving) Thats right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin me to Arbys
JERRY(Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you?
PUDDYLets finish this up.
JERRYDid you two break up?
PUDDY(While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chicks whacked. Were history. (Back to the transaction) I just left out a couple of things uh, rust-proofing
JERRY"Rust-proofing"?
PUDDY(Reading off what hes adding up on the calculator) Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finders fee
JERRY"Finders fee"? It was on the lot!
PUDDYYeah, thats right. (Continues reading off) Uh, floor mats, keys
JERRYKeys?!
PUDDYHow ya gonna start it?
[SettingDealerships shop]
GEORGEExcuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling. And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, and you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.
MECHANICFirst of all, it wasnt a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar.
GEORGEHuh. You must think Im pretty stupid. (The mechanic shoots him a look as if he cleary does think hes stupid) That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip! Now, that-that-that is a cookie - and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.
MECHANICIts uh, its just a little nougat.
GEORGENougat? Please. I think Ive reached the point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie. So lets not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.
MECHANIC(Pointing to Georges forehead) You know, youre gettin a little vein there..
GEORGE(Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I cant believe this guy..
JERRYHey, George!
GEORGEHey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry)
JERRYNo, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up, hes treatin me just like a regular customer, now!
GEORGEI tried to tell you, but you wouldnt listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? Theres no laws in this place. Anything goes! Its Thunderdome!
SALESWOMANIs someone helping you?
GEORGEStay back! (Runs out of the room, pushing Jerry out ahead of him)
[SettingDealership car]
RICK(Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where is it now?
KRAMERTheres still some overlap between the needle and the slash below the "E".
RICKHow low are you gonna go?
KRAMEROh, Ive been in the slash many times. This is nothing. Youll get used to it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) put it out of your mind.
RICKHave you ever been completely below the slash?
KRAMERWell, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I dont know who did it, and I never got to thank them..
RICK(As the car slowly drifts off the road) Mr. Kramer, the road!
KRAMERWhoop! Whoop!
[SettingPuddys office]
JERRY(Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up.
GEORGEAll right, Puddy, listen, and listen good I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!
JERRYGeorge! Can we focus on the car, here?
GEORGEIm starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.
PUDDY(Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature here, and well get you that yellow car ready to go.
JERRYYellow? I wanted black.
PUDDYI cant give you black at that price.
JERRY(Pleading) George, would you help me, please?
GEORGE(Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!
JERRYSing it, sister!
GEORGEJust because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch
JERRY(Exasperated) Oh, God
GEORGE(Losing it) does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or Lem is not gonna get away with this!
JERRY(To Puddy) Ill be right back.
PUDDYOkay.
JERRYHey, George!
[SettingDealership car]
RICKIs it just the angle Im looking from?
KRAMERNo, Sir. We are down there.
RICKOh, this is amazing! Oh, Ive never felt so alive!
KRAMERAll right, Im satisfied. We better get some gas.
RICKWhat? Well, we cant stop now.
KRAMERWhat do you mean?
RICKWe have to keep going - all the way back to the dealership. That was the plan.
KRAMERThere was no plan.
RICKWell, lets make it the plan! Lets just go for it! Like Thelma and Louise.
KRAMERWhat, they drove to a dealership?
RICKNo, they drove off a cliff.
KRAMERYou are one sick mama I like it.
RICKMr. Kramer, the road!
KRAMERYup! Yup!
[SettingElaines apartment]
ELAINEHello?
JERRY(Over the phone) Elaine, youve got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwin me on this car, which is yellow now!
ELAINE(Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this?
JERRY(Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine!
ELAINEWhat?!
JERRYYou gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal.
ELAINE(Sarcastically) You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.
JERRYYoure gonna get back together, anyway. Its thousands of dollars!
ELAINEOh, I dont know..
JERRYCome on. Then you dont have to see him again til my 15,000-mile check.
ELAINEWell, will you pay my cab fare out there?
JERRYFine.
ELAINEAnd I didnt like that roast beef, so how bout some lunch?
JERRYNo. No lunch.
ELAINEIll hang this phone up right now!
JERRYAll right! Lunch!
ELAINEIll see ya. (Hanging up the phone)
JERRYBye. (Hangs up)
JERRY(Frustrated, he reacts) Everybodys ripping me off!
GEORGEYes, Id like to report a problem with one of your mechanics.
WILLIEWhen did you bring the car in?
GEORGE(To the man behind him in line) Yeah, right Im gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Huh! Why dont I just flush my money down the toilet?
WILLIESir, what, exactly, is the problem?
GEORGEOne of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix candy bar!
WILLIEAre you saying he grabbed your candy bar away from you?
GEORGEHe might as well have! I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs.
WILLIEI thought you said it was a Twix.
GEORGEOh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.
WILLIEMaybe it was.
GEORGEOh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
WILLIEWhat about the Hundred-Thousand-Dollar bar?
GEORGENo. Rice and caramel.
WILLIENougat?
GEORGENo.
WILLIEPositive?
GEORGEPlease.
WOMANYou know they changed the name from Hundred-Thousand-Dollar bar to Hundred-Grand?
GEORGEAll I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired!
WILLIE SRI remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel.
MANWhats the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial?
GEORGEThey all have swirling chocolate in the commercial!
WILLIE SRNot Skittles.
WILLIEDad, I told you you could sit here only if you dont talk.
WOMAN(Sitting behind George) You make your father sit here all day?
WILLIEHe likes it!
GEORGEAll right, do you mind? I have the window! (To Willie) Now, what are you gonna do about my Twix?
MAN(In line behind George) Twix has too much coconut.
GEORGENo! Theres no coconut!
WOMAN(Behind service window) Im allergic to coconut.
WILLIEIm not.
WILLIE SRA nickel!
[SettingDealership office showroom]
ELAINECab receipt. Hey, Puddy.
PUDDYIm with a customer.
ELAINEUh
JERRYNo, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. Whats important is you two getting back together. Eh, then well talk about the car.
PUDDY(Like a kid) I dont want to get back with her. Shes too bossy.
ELAINE(Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David..
JERRYOkay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why dont we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. (All three sit down) Now, look, you both find each other attractive, right?
ELAINE AND PUDDYRight.
JERRYClearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you.
ELAINEI guess.
PUDDYGood point.
JERRY(Smiling, like a salesman) All right. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today?
[SettingGas station]
KRAMERCars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? Ill get us a couple of Twix bars.
RICKNo, no coconut for me.
KRAMERAll right, Ill get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine running.
RICKAhh!
KRAMERNo, man! Not the gas!
RICKBut it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad!
KRAMERDo you think that thisll make you happy? Cause it wont!
RICK(Walking away) Ah, you can just go on without me.
KRAMERListen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, "Kramer and that other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!"
RICKMaybe we better get moving.
KRAMERIts good to have you back, Stan.
RICKIts Rick, by the way.
KRAMERNo time!
[SettingDealerships customer service room]
WILLIEMr. Costanza, I really dont have time for this.
GEORGENow, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claims, wouldnt you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up?
WILLIE"Candy line-up"?
GEORGEIve spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers or identification of any kind for him to select from.
WILLIEIt took you an hour?
GEORGEOnly I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you the candy line-up. (Opens a door to a back room. Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars)
SALESWOMANHey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!
GEORGEThats my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! Theyre - theyre all on the floor!
GEORGEAnd you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!
MECHANICNo.
MANHey, this Clark bar is good.
GEORGEIts a Twix! Theyre all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And youve robbed it! Youve all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!
MECHANICTheyre all gone.
GEORGE(Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) Twwwwiiiiiixxxxx!
ELAINEWhat was that?
PUDDYTheres a mental hospital right near here.
JERRYAll right. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle Arbys no more than once a month. And in exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and doesnt read a book.
ELAINE(While looking over the contract Jerry just drew up) Yeah, well, thats not bad.
PUDDYI can live with that.
JERRYSo, youre back together?
PUDDYYeah.
JERRYAll right, all right. All right, thats enough! Lets get back to my deal. That undercoating, thats a rip-off, isnt it, David?
PUDDYOh, we dont even know what it is.
JERRYSo, Im gettin the insiders deal?
PUDDYInsiders deal. (Holds up his hand) High-five.
[SettingDealership car]
RICK(Seeing the turn-off up ahead) Theres the dealer!
KRAMERHey!
RICKWe did! We pulled it off! I cant believe it! Wheres the needle?
KRAMEROh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo!
RICKOh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I - I learned a lot. Things are gonna be different for me now.
KRAMERWell, thats a weird thing to say
RICKI wonder how much longer we could have lasted.
KRAMERYeah, yeah. I wonder hmm.
[SettingNYC Cab]
ELAINEThis is nice. What kind of car is this?
CABBIECaprice Classic.
ELAINE(To Jerry) You couldnt just give him one high-five?
JERRYAnd where does it end? Then everyones doin it. Its like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Dont go there." - Someones gotta take a stand!
GEORGE(Munching on a hamburger) This Arbys is good.
ELAINESo, George, I still dont understand - how was that a setup?
JERRYAnd who were you tryin to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager?
GEORGEI dont know. All of em. Theyre all crooks! Besides, I couldnt get all different candy bars, anyway.
GEORGEWhat was that?
JERRYI think theres a mental hospital near here.
ELAINEVery near.
KRAMERYa-hoo! Ya-hoo! (Rick is silent) Whew! Well, I think we stopped.
RICKYou - you can probably let go of my hand now.
KRAMERYeah, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, Ill think about it..
RICKDo you have my card?