[SettingTim Whatley's apartment]
ELAINESo.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?
JERRYOh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.
TIMHey! Happy Chanukah!
JERRYHey, Tim. Great party.
TIM(Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?
ELAINE(Shrugging it off) eh.
TIM(Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets.
GEORGEOh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs)
TIM(Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera)
ELAINEThis place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.
GEORGEI'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves)
ELAINEOh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.
JERRYYou have a standard fake?
ELAINEMm-hmm.
JERRY(Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.
ELAINE(Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)
DENIM VESTHi!
JERRYHi, I'm Jerry.
WOMANHi. JERRY You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.
ELAINENice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons
DENIM VESTThey're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time?
ELAINEWhy don't I give you my phone number?
[SettingCoffee Shop]
GEORGEHey.
JERRYHey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?
GEORGEGreat! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.
JERRYDidn't you call in sick yesterday?
GEORGEHey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing "We don't care, and it shows."
JERRY(Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?
GEORGEHey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.
JERRYSee? You give, and you get.
GEORGE(Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."?
JERRYOh, that's nice.
GEORGEI got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!"
JERRYTo a children's charity!
GEORGEDon't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!
ELAINEHey!
JERRYHey.
ELAINE(To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.
JERRY"Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?
ELAINEI got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.
JERRYWhat does that mean?
ELAINE(Embarrassed) Free sub.
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGENothing. It's a card from my dad.
ELAINEWhat is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?
GEORGEIt's nothing, stop it..
JERRYWhen George was growing up..
GEORGE(Interrupting) Jerry, No!
JERRYHis father..
GEORGENo!
JERRYHated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
ELAINEOhhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
GEORGE(pleading) Alright..
JERRYAnd instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
GEORGEJerry! Stop it!
JERRYAnd weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?
GEORGEI can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)
[SettingJerry's apartment]
ELAINEOh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!
JERRYSo?
ELAINEI've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
JERRYNo, you walk out.
ELAINEAlright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
JERRYNo, you wait for the movie!
ELAINE(Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.
JERRYYou don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.
KRAMER(Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
JERRYSo, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it?
ELAINEThat's a good idea.
KRAMER(Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.
JERRYWhat strike?
KRAMERYeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
JERRYYou?
ELAINEWorked?
JERRYBagels?
KRAMERYeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
ELAINEOh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.
KRAMERYeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.
ELAINEWhat were your.. demands?
KRAMERYeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.
ELAINEI believe that's the new minimum wage.
KRAMERNow you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door)
JERRYWhy didn't you ever mention this?
KRAMERJerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends)
[SettingH&H Bagel Shop]
KRAMERAll right, everybody! I'm back!
MANAGERWho are you?
KRAMERCosmo Kramer.. strikes over.
MANAGEROh yeah! Kramer.
KRAMERHuh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back?
MANAGERNO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago.
KRAMEROh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for..
MANAGERI could use someone for the holidays..
KRAMERAlright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those?
MANAGERThose are rasin bagels.
KRAMER(Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that..
[SettingHorse Track Betting]
ELAINESo, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake.
BOOKIESo. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years.
ELAINESo, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number..
BOOKIE(Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes.
CHARLIEElaine Benes?!
BOOKIEYou make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man.
CHARLIE(faintly) I'm a man.
ELAINEOhh.. my..
BOOKIEI'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down)
ELAINEMy number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.
[Settingclassy restaurant]
TIMHey, Jerry.
JERRYHey, Tim.
TIMWhat's up?
JERRYActually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.
TIMMazel Tov.
GWENJerry.. hi.
JERRYGwen?
GWENYeah.
JERRY(Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really?
GWENYeah! Come on, our table is ready.
[SettingJerry's apartment]
GEORGESo, attractive one day - not attractive the next?
JERRYHave you come across this?
GEORGEYes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face.
JERRY(Relating) Like the Batman villain?
GEORGE(Annoyed) If that helps you..
JERRYSo, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up The good, the bad, or the ugly.
GEORGE(Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood!
JERRYYeah.
GEORGEHey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry)
JERRY(Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that?
GEORGE(With pride) Made it up.
JERRY(Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people."
GEORGEWhat do you think?
JERRYIt has a certain understated stupidity.
GEORGE(Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales!
JERRY..Yeah.
KRAMERAh, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!
JERRYHow was your first day?
KRAMEROh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough.
JERRYYour hands were in the dough?
KRAMERNo, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test.
GEORGEAlright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)
JERRYHappy Festivus!
KRAMERWhat's Festivus?
JERRYWhen George was growing up..
GEORGE(Interrupting) No!
JERRYHis father..
GEORGEStop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!
ELAINEHappy Festivus, Georgie.
KRAMERFrank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!
ELAINEKramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.
JERRYYou're still trying to gget that free sub?
ELAINEHey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.
JERRYIs there a captain's hat involved in this?
ELAINEMaybe.
[SettingH&H Bagel Shop]
FRANKKramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?
KRAMERWell, just tell me everything, huh?
FRANKMany Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!
KRAMERWhat happened to the doll?
FRANKIt was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
KRAMERThat musta been some kind of doll.
FRANKShe was.
[SettingKruger Office Building]
GEORGEMerry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card)
SANDY(After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off)
GEORGEPhil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil)
PHILOw!
GEORGEAw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card)
KRUGERNot if you could see our books.. what's this?
GEORGEThe Human Fund.
KRUGERWhatever. (Walks off)
GEORGEExactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica!
[SettingH&H Bagel Shop]
FRANKAnd at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
KRAMERIs there a tree?
FRANKNo. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
KRAMERFrank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
FRANKLet's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine)
ELAINEHello, Frank.
FRANKHello, woman. (leaves)
ELAINEKramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?
KRAMERNo. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.
MANAGERHey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays.
KRAMERBut it's Festivus.
MANAGERWhat?
KRAMERYou know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays..
MANAGERThat's not a right.
KRAMERWell, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out!
ELAINENo, I got to stay here and wait for the call.
KRAMERWhat? You're siding with management?!
ELAINENo, I just..
KRAMER(Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab!
[SettingTaxi Cab]
GWENHey.
JERRYBoy, am I glad to see you.
GWENYou were expecting someone else?
JERRYYou never know.
GWEN(To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel.
JERRYSo, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian?
GWENI can go either way.
JERRY(Shocked) You're telling me.
[Settingthe Coffee Shop]
GEORGESo, she was switching? Back and forth?
JERRYActually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there.
GEORGESo, just bring her here. This is all you really need.
JERRYI can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress?
GEORGELights out.
JERRYAlright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way.
GEORGE(Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!
JERRYThat's not a french cuff shirt, you know.
GEORGEI know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.
JERRYOh, that's classy.
KRAMERWell, Happy Festivus.
GEORGEWhat is that? Is taht the pole?!
FRANKGeorge, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are.
GEORGE(Sulking) That's why I hate it.
KRAMERThere's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.
FRANKGeorge, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard)
FRANKRead that poem.
GEORGE(Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!
FRANKYou don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!
ESTELLELeave him alone!
FRANKAlright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.
GEORGENo! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
FRANKWe had some good times.
GWENHey.
JERRYI there. This is Kramer, and Frank.
GWENHi.
KRAMER(Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello.
GWENSo, you ready to go?
JERRYUh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth.
[SettingH&H Bagel Shop]
KRAMERProtect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant)
MANAGER(To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich.
ELAINE(Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine.
KRAMER(From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down.
ELAINEWhat did you do?
KRAMERYou've been warned.
ELAINEOh, hi! (Waves at him)
WORKERHey, the steam valve's broke.
MANAGERCan we still make bagels?
WORKERSure. It's just a little steamy.
KRAMERHey! How do you like your bagels now?!
[SettingKruger Building]
KRUGERGeorge, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George)
GEORGE20 thousand dollars?
KRUGERMade out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home.
[SettingCoffee Shop]
GWENJerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place?
JERRYWhy? It's our place.
GWENI just found a rubber band in my soup.
JERRYOh.. I know who's cooking today!
GEORGEHey! Surprise, surprise!
JERRYHey, Georgie!
GWENI think I'm just gonna go.
JERRYI'll be here.
GEORGE(Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.
JERRYShe didn't touch it.
GEORGEOhh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check)
JERRY20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this.
GEORGEI don't know.
JERRYExcuse me?
GEORGEI've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back.
JERRYYou want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars.
GEORGEI'm serious.
JERRYYou're going to start your own charity?
GEORGEI think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver..
[SettingOutside H&H Bagels]
ELAINEKramer, the vest just called.
KRAMER(Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night!
ELAINEOh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card.
KRAMERAnd?
ELAINE(Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya.
KRAMERYeah.
GWENKramer, Hi!
KRAMEROh, hello.
GWENIt's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop.
KRAMERAh-huh.
GWENI'm dating your friend, Jerry..
KRAMERAhh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller.
GWENThat's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop! He's afraid of getting caught.
KRAMEROh, he's a tomcat.
ELAINESteve.
DENIM VESTHmm?
ELAINEIt's Elaine.
DENIM VESTFrom Tim Whatley's party?
ELAINEYeah.
DENIM VESTYou look.. different.
ELAINEI see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you?
DENIM VESTWell, I had it back at my place, but I can't go there now.. I'll give it to you later, or something.
ELAINENo, no, no. You give me your number.
DENIM VESTOkay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts writing a number down) Do you have the mumps?
ELAINENo.
DENIM VESTTyphoid?
ELAINENo.
DENIM VEST(Hands her the paper, and runs off) Yama - Hama!
ELAINEA fake number! Blimey!
[SettingKruger's office]
KRUGERGeorge, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
GEORGEWell, there could be.
KRUGERBut there isn't.
GEORGEWell, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out)
KRUGERGeorge, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
GEORGEWell, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
KRUGERVemonous?
GEORGEFestivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!
KRUGERAre you making all this up, too?
GEORGEOh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to.
KRUGERYeah, you probably should.
[SettingThe Costanza's house]
GEORGEHappy Festivus!
FRANKGeorge? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit?
GEORGEYo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
FRANKHave you seen the pole, Kruger?
GEORGEDad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
FRANKHe's gonna see it.
GEORGEHappy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama!
ELAINEI didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here?
GEORGEEmbracing my roots.
JERRYThey nailed you on the 20 G's?
GEORGEBusted cold.
FRANKIt's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.
KRUGERI find your belief system fascinating.
KRAMERHey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!
BOOKIEHello again, Miss Benes.
ELAINEWhat are you doing here?
BOOKIEDamnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place..
KRAMER(Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!
ESTELLEDinner's ready!
FRANKLet's begin.
(Everyone sits around the table. Kruger recognized Kramer from "The Meat Slicer" episode..) KRUGERDr.. Van Nostrand?
KRAMERUh.. that's right.
FRANKWelcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
GEORGEOh, God.
FRANK(To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought.
GWENJerry!
JERRYGwen! How'd you know I was here?
GWENKramer told me.
KRAMERAnother Festivus miracle!
GWENI guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.
ELAINEHey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.
JERRYGwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.
ELAINE(To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?
BOOKIEHe had to be shot.
FRANKAnd now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.
GEORGENot the feats of strength..
FRANKThis year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.
KRAMERUh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.
JERRYI thought you were on strike?
KRAMERWell, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.
GEORGEKramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?
KRUGER(Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?
FRANKGood thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!
GEORGEOh, please, somebody, stop this!
FRANK(Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!
ESTELLEI think you can take him, Georgie!
GEORGEOh, come on! Be sensible.
FRANKStop crying, and fight your father!
GEORGEOw! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!
FRANKThis is the best Festivus ever!
[SettingH&H Bagel Shop]
MANAGERAlright. That's enough. You're fired.
KRAMERThank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)