JERRYI just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
KRAMERWell whats the difference -- Come on (pats him on the back) -- were like Cain and Able.
JERRYYeah, ya know Cain slew Able.
KRAMERNo he didnt. They were in business together it was dry wall, or somethin.
JERRYOh, no.
KRAMERAll right then, what was it?
JERRYWell I think Able worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.
KRAMERThe way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Able.
JERRYYa broke my blender, didnt ya?
KRAMERYeah. Well I was trying to make gravel and it just (moves hands around) just didnt work out.
JERRYI knew it.
JERRYWhy were you making gravel?
KRAMERWell ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.
KRAMERAahh, this looks familiar
JERRYOf course. It's garbage.
KRAMERNo, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. (hits his hand on the rim) Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! (he climbs into the dumpster) They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!
JERRYYeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.
KRAMERLook at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gould is sitting on you and the next thing - you're yesterday's trash.
JERRYCome on, Kramer, get out of there.
KRAMERNo, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.
JERRY(moans) Ohhh (walks away)
GEORGEYou know I uh, spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago. Hm, Can't smell anything, can ya?
MIRANDABanana?
GEORGERight.
MIRANDAGeorge watch out for those pigeons.
GEORGEOh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?
MIRANDA(gasp) Oh my God. (trying to catch her breath, she puts her hand to her chest.)
GEORGESo uh where we eating?
JERRYAnd it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.
CELIAYou're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.
JERRYWow! (Jerry spots all the classic toys)
CELIAOh yeah the toys.
JERRYWhere did you get all these?
CELIAMy dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long painful bout with
JERRYSuper bowl! Hey, an original G.I. Joe. (picks up both items) With a full frogman suit.
CELIAJerry, what are you doing?
JERRYI'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
CELIAOhhh Jerry. (takes them from Jerry and puts them back with the other toys) They're priceless. They've never been played with.
JERRYI just want a, touch em a little.
CELIAI said no. Now come here.
LOUHi (startled, Elaine spills her coffee on her sleeve) I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.
ELAINEHey Walter, what is the deal with that guy?
WALTERuh-He's Lou Filerman. He's new here.
ELAINE(exhales)
WALTERHey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.
ELAINEYou've been an enormous help.
JERRYYou ran over some pigeons? How many?
GEORGEWhat ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but i-i-it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
JERRYCourse we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.
GEORGERight! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this!
JERRYSo Miranda's cooled on ya?
GEORGEI'm getting nothing.
JERRYYeah, me neither.
GEORGEReally? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?
JERRYOh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!
GEORGEI don't understand women.
JERRYHere comes one.
ELAINEHey. What's going on?
GEORGEHey (sees the coffee stain) Art Garfunkel?
ELAINENo, Castro.
GEORGERight.
ELAINEAll because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you!
JERRYSo he just sidles up?
ELAINEThat's right! He's a real sidler. (points at Jerry)
JERRYMaybe you just didn't see him.
ELAINEWha-You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making Cup-A-Soup singing that song from "The Lion King".
JERRYHakuna Matata?
ELAINEI thought I was alone.
JERRYThat doesn't make it right.
JERRYSee, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup...
ELAINEWould you just, let it go?
KRAMER(from his apartment) Hey, Jerry! Come here a sec!
KRAMERHey! (moving a chair onto the set)
JERRYOh my God!
KRAMER(Outstretched arms) It's the Merv Griffin set. (Claps 7 times)
JERRYHow did you get this in here?
KRAMEROh, you just bring it in sideways and (pop) hook it.
JERRYSo where you gonna sleep?
KRAMERYeah ... backstage.
ELAINEEhnn! This chair smells like garbage.
KRAMER(putting on jacket) Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV. You take Mannix for example.
JERRYI'm gonna get that. (walks across the set towards the blue curtain)
KRAMERAll right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime. (stretches his arm out, as if hes reaching out a good-bye)
KRAMERWell, Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine sits down) Boy, is it possible that youre even more beautiful than the last time I saw you?
ELAINE(giggles)
GEORGEAhh, Ah-AhWe had a deal!
ELAINEMr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.
PETERMANOne moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year. Annnnnd, done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly (leafing through the pages). It must have been an awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.
ELAINEWhat? (with arms crossed, she turns quickly and )
JERRYSo three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.
KRAMERHm, That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys, growing up.
JERRYYeah, that was me.
KRAMEROh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had an
JERRYAn Army Pete.
KRAMERRight.
JERRYHe was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.
KRAMERAnd we all know how painful that can be. (as he says this, he turns and speaks directly into the non-existent television camera. Jerry looks a bit confused.)
ELAINEJerry. Oh there - -
KRAMEROh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come - - (motions for Jerry to move down one seat as the new guest has arrived for her segment. Kramer gives Jerry a little push) Come on sit down. Yes.
ELAINE(clears throat) (to Jerry) Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.
KRAMERJu - Excuse me. Yeah we're, talking this way.
ELAINEWell, he's getting credit for work that I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.
KRAMERAh, Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?
ELAINEKramer, what is wrong with you?
KRAMERWhat do you mean?
ELAINEWell, for starters, you're looking at note cards
ELAINE(to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I am going to sidle, the sidler.
JERRYYou, sidle? Y-You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!
ELAINENot with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes!
KRAMER(to the imaginary TV camera) Only in New York. ... ha ha
GEORGEJerry?
KRAMEROh! (turns on the Merv Griffin theme music) Heeeyy! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise!
TAPE RECORDERTurn Music Off (Kramer pushes the off button turning the music off)
KRAMERYeah, sit, sit, sit Weeell! (laughing, clapping)
GEORGEWell, it happened again.
JERRYWhat happened?
KRAMEREyaaaya-ya-ya, I'll ask the questions. What happened?
GEORGEWell I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move.
KRAMERAll right, let's uh, change the subject, ah. (looking at the yellow note cards) Now, uh you and uh, Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ah ... what was that like?
KRAMERThat was the wrong card.
GEORGEI-I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It-it's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!
JERRYSo they're like everyone else.
KRAMER(laughs too loudly) All right, let's take a short break.
KRAMEROkay ah, (checks his watch) We're back!
GEORGEBoy that-that bank clock is-is eight minutes off.
MIRANDAThen why don't you just run IT over too?
GEORGEZing.
MIRANDAGeorge, what are you doing?
GEORGEDid you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved that pigeons life!
MIRANDAWhat pigeon? You drove right into that squirrel. (leaves the car)
GEORGESquirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM!
JERRY(sound of gunfire) Pkew, pkew, pkew, pkew, Pkeeew!
CELIAJerry! (she slides away from him) Those hands! They never stop!
JERRYI'm sorry. Got any booze? What's say you and I get ripped!
CELIANo. Thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin?
JERRYAll right.
JERRYOhh, will not cause drowsiness"
LOUHere's the new copy you wanted.
PETERMANAh, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ... with both of you.
ELAINE(winks and clicks) Thank you. ha ha ha ha. (sits down)
PETERMANUnfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent drivel! This is a total redo. And I'm assuming I need it right away.
ELAINEWell, I guess we'll just have - (Lou has left) Ohh, just gimme that. (takes the papers and walks away)
JERRYUhn-uh-uhn - Uhn-uh-uhn - - veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer A-Ha ha! Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe. (singing) dee, de-de, de-de-de-de-de (Makes G.I. Joe swim off, legs kicking)
MIRANDADoctor is the squirrel going to live?
DOCTORThere's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but, it would be costly, difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.
GEORGEWell, uh, are there any other options?
DOCTORWe, could put him to sleep.
GEORGEWhat might that cost?
DOCTORWell it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents.
GEORGEWell? (Miranda hits George) I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. We'd like you to, do everything possible.
DOCTORHe, um. He's not going to be the same, you know?
GEORGEYeah. yeah. I-I know.
GEORGESo they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
KRAMEREl Paso? I spent a month there one night.
NEWMAN(laughs - T-heheheheheheheh) El Paso!
JERRYWhat's he here for?
NEWMANeue-aaa.
KRAMERAh to take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry ah, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. mmm.
JERRYWell, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
KRAMERWell. Sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear, wedding bells?
NEWMANAre you married right now? (points at Jerry)
KRAMERNewman. (Kramer smacks Newmans arm)
JERRYActually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I, guess she passed out!
KRAMERWhat do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
JERRYShe's even got that old Mattel football game that we love!
GEORGEOh, come on! You gotta get me over there!
KRAMERWait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. (Newman starts the taped music) Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!
NEWMANI told you he was a risk.
JERRYOh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!
NEWMANYeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!
KRAMERSmile, everyone! We're back!
LOUYou wanted to see me, Elaine?
ELAINEYes, Lou. (exhales) You've got a lot going for you. You're um ... you're spontaneous. You're, symmetrical. You're, uh, ... (spins around as Lou is behind her now) Ehh - you're very quick, aren't ya. Um, It's just that your...
LOUMy dead tooth?
ELAINENo. Your. (breathes)
LOUNot my breath?
ELAINEUuhhh.
LOUWhat can I do?
ELAINEWell, you should never ever go anywhere, (shakes a box of Tic Tacs) without these.
LOUThanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! (he opens the door and goes into the hall - now he clicks and clacks when he walks)
GEORGEMore wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more wine)
CELIAHmm. (takes a sip)
JERRYSo when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.
CELIAWhat is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?
JERRY and GEORGETryptophan.* (*footnote - see end of script)
CELIAAhh.
JERRY... I think. Have some more wine. (Jerry pours his whole glass of wine into her glass.)
CELIAWhat video did you get?
GEORGEOh.
JERRYOh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.
GEORGEFour hours.
JERRYMore heavy gravy?
GEORGE(playing with toys) Ahhhh, Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry. (hands Jerry the Mattel Football. George starts playing with the Etch-a-sketch.)
NEWMANLately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. You know, I rip of the label I can hardly tell the difference.
KRAMERWe've officially bottomed out, mm. Who's our next guest?
NEWMANWe got no one!
KRAMERWe need a new format. We should shut down and re-tool.
NEWMANWhat about a guest-host?
KRAMERI'll pretend I didn't hear that.
MIRANDADoctor, how's the squirrel?
GEORGEIs he dead?
DOCTORNo. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?
MIRANDAYes he would.
DOCTORYou uh, You have 30 minutes. (Doctor exits. George turns and looks towards the doctor)
GEORGESo ... uh, squirrel.
DOCTOROne more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up tomorrow.
GEORGEWhat's that?
DOCTOROh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.
GEORGEHe has no home. He's a squirrel.
DOCTORHmm-hm. Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated. (exits)
JERRYMaybe it'll be fun having a pet.
GEORGEIt's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!
KRAMERJerry, (claps) aaya - what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.
JERRYWhat about my "questionable material"?
KRAMERNope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!
JERRYJim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment?
KRAMERWell, I practically raised his kids.
GEORGEThat's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. C-Can I bring the squirrel by?
KRAMERWhat? Two animal acts on the same show? (turns to Jerry) What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm sorry, maybe another time, all right? (drums table and exits)
GEORGEI gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically bionic!
ELAINEHey! (startles Jerry and George) ha ha ha ha. Nice sidle, huh? Speaking, of which I think Ive got that problem, solved.
JERRYTic-Tacs work?
ELAINEHe's a human maraca.
GEORGEBoy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.
ELAINEYou took him over to Celia's?
JERRYWhat? It's a victimless crime.
ELAINEWhat about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?
JERRYOkay, one victim.
ELAINEI think it's unconscionable.
GEORGEHey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.
ELAINEEZ Bake oven?
ELAINEWho wants cupcake?
GEORGEOh, me, me, me, me, me!
JERRYYou know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.
FRANK(on TV) You step on it and it flushes.
ELAINEWhy is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?
ESTELLE(on TV) Stop squirming.
GEORGEOh, don't look. T-This is the part where they change me.
JERRYYou're like eight years old.
ESTELLE(on TV) Georgie.
GEORGEI was seven and a half.
PETERMANThat noise. That's the noise!
ELAINEWhat?
PETERMANThat infernal rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway. Even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!
ELAINENo, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
PETERMANThat reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you?
ELAINENo Mister Peterman.
PETERMANBecause, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can. And if you are undead - I'll find out about that too. (Exits)
ELAINE(pushes Lou into the room) Lou! In here! (closes the door) We have to talk.
LOUOh, right.
ELAINE(Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) Ooh, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.
LOUWhy?
ELAINEBecause they're turning your teeth green?
LOUI only buy the white ones.
ELAINEO-kay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. You just gotta stop carrying these, okay? Just ... just mouth wash.
LOUI can't. It burns my cankers.
ELAINEBinaca?
LOUAgain.
ELAINERight, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum!
LOUI hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that 20 years ago.
ELAINEWell, stinky, this is your lucky day.
KRAMEROkay. A little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert, Jim Fowler.
FOWLERWhere are the cameras? (he has a live Hawk perched on his arm)
KRAMERBut first, we're talking with, Jerry. (looks down to his yellow note cards) Okay, Jerry, uh, you uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy, collection. How do you feel about that?
JERRYIt was great! I've done it a few more time since then.
KRAMERAnd she doesn't know anything, about this?
JERRYNo, not a thing.
KRAMERWell, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!
CELIAWhat kind of a sick twisted creep are you?
NEWMAN & KRAMERWoah.
JERRYWhat, What is this? What is she doing here?
KRAMERIt's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Git gt gt.
CELIAIf you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!
NEWMANGo girl!
JERRYWell, what kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?
NEWMAN and KRAMEROhhh!
GEORGEMister Fowler, I-I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science! (laughs)
KRAMERGeorge I told you we're booked!
FOWLERCareful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.
KRAMEROhhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.
GEORGEUh.
FOWLERNo, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!
GEORGEAhhhh, Ahh, Ah, Ahhh, Ahh, Ah!
KRAMER(off camera) Are we getting this?
JERRYSo the whole set was destroyed?
KRAMERWell, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.
GEORGEWell, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry bout the set.
KRAMERIll tell ya it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.
MIRANDAI got the nut bread, George. Let's go. (exits)
JERRYSo the squirrel's gonna make it?
GEORGEYeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.
JERRYOn the couch? So you're...
GEORGEStill getting nothing!
GEORGESo go ahead pigeons. hu hu hu. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last I heard ... we have NO DEAL!
CELIAI'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone.
ELAINEOh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I-I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?
CELIAWho's he? (Lou)
ELAINEOh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for ya. (pours her glass of wine into Celias glass)