[SceneIn the Play Now office]
THOMASSOULOGeorge, youre not really handicapped, are you?
GEORGEIve had my difficulties.
THOMASSOULOI saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand.
GEORGEMr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?
THOMASSOULONo
GEORGEHow about the old Spider Man live action show?
THOMASSOULOGeorge, Ive realized weve signed a one-year contract with you, but at this point I think its best that we both go our separate ways.
GEORGEI dont understand.
THOMASSOULOWe dont like you. We want you to leave.
GEORGEClearer
[SceneAt Monks Caf]
JERRYSo youre staying at Play Now?
GEORGEWhy not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city.
JERRYBut they not you arent handicapped, arent you ashamed?
GEORGETheyre the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract. As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me.
ELAINEHey
JERRY & GEORGE(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
GEORGEHello-o-o-o Elaine!
ELAINEWhats that?
JERRYOh, its just this stupid thing.
ELAINEWell, Im sure its stupid. Its not about me, is it?
JERRY(doing the voice) No-o-o-o.
GEORGE(doing the voice) Not at all.
ELAINETell me!
JERRYAll right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing?
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYWell, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me.
ELAINEHow is it talking?
JERRYWell, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) Im bored. Talk to me.
ELAINEOh I gotta start taking these "stupid" warnings more seriously.
JERRYHey, look whose here - Puddy.
ELAINEMy Puddy? But we broke up.
JERRYAnd yet he continues to live.
PUDDYHey Benes, How are you?
ELAINEIm doing great.
PUDDYGreat. (pauses) See ya.
JERRYWell, thats it. You two are back together.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYThe bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide.
ELAINEDavid and I will not be getting back together.
JERRYElaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You cant do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
GEORGEThats beautiful.
ELAINEWhat about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that.
JERRYThats different. I didnt have feelings for those people. But you, youll backslide
ELAINEYou want to bet?
JERRYStakes?
ELAINE50
JERRYDollars?
ELAINEAll right. Witness? (looks at George).
GEORGEWitness.
JERRYDone.
GEORGEPercentage?
JERRY & ELAINENo.
[SceneAt Jerrys apartment]
CLARESo Ill call you tonight?
JERRYYeah.
CLAREWhats wrong with the belt?
JERRYI went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So(throws away belt) thats it!
CLARESo, youre insane?
JERRYOh yes, quite.
KRAMERHello!
JERRYOf course its a sliding scale.
CLARECatch you later.
KRAMER & JERRY(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)
JERRY(doing the voice) La la la.
KRAMER(doing the voice) La la la.
KRAMERLook at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club.
JERRYOh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, thats a good idea.
KRAMEROf course its a good idea, its my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago.
JERRYWhich part? The renovating the restaurant you dont own part or spending the two hundred million you dont have part?
KRAMERYou see I come up with these things, I know theyre gold, but nothing happens. You know why?
JERRYNo resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains.
KRAMER(interrupts) No, notime! Its all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
JERRYI can ball park it.
ELAINE(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
KRAMERHere we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot!
JERRYHey, I called you last night, where were you?
ELAINE(looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend.
JERRYGeorge?
ELAINE(looking guiltier) No, nono.
JERRYWell, I was here, thats everyone (laughing).
ELAINE(laughing).
JERRYAre those the same shoes as yesterday?
ELAINEOh, you know I wear these shoes all the time.
JERRYYour hair, its somewhat de-poofed.
ELAINEIts the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?
JERRYWait a second, whats going on here?
ELAINENothing, nothing.
JERRY(screams).
ELAINE(screams).
JERRYYoure wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy!
KRAMERHoochie moochie. (haha)
JERRYHand it over. Pay up.
ELAINENo! Its an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together!
JERRYThen what do you call it? People dont just bump into each other and have sex. This isnt cinemax.
ELAINEIt was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner.
JERRYAh, dinner! Thats it, youre all the way back!
ELAINEUgh!
JERRYSex, thats meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; thats heavy. Thats like an hour.
KRAMER(still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?). That was my idea too!
[SceneAt Play Now]
GEORGEGood Morning!
CO-WORKERGo to hell!
GEORGEHi Allison, thats a nice dress.
ALLISONDont even look at me.
GEORGEHey Glenn!
GLENNHey, go tell hell!
GEORGEHeard that one already.
[SceneAt Jerrys apartment]
KRAMERSo thats the bedroom. Heres the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchenYeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.
JERRYAnd you are?
DARRENOh, hey, Im Darren. Im new here.
KRAMERYeah, thats Jerry, you dont have to worry about him. Why dont you go across the hall and get started on that mail.
DARRENRight!
KRAMERHes a go getter!
JERRYWhos he?
KRAMERMy intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries.
JERRYAlright.
KRAMERWell, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.
JERRYBut you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.
KRAMERWell, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.
JERRYAlright, its time to go.
KRAMERJerry, its not for people, its for oil tankers.
JERRY(sarcastically) I know!
KRAMERYou see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil wont spill out.
JERRYActually, that is not a bad idea.
KRAMER(smiles) yeah.
JERRYNow, its time to go.
JERRYHello
GEORGE(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (Hes sitting on the floor in his Play Now office).
JERRY(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, whats going on?
GEORGESiege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. Theyve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. Im like Hitlers last days here.
JERRYSo, are you going to leave?
GEORGEOh no! Im vigilant. Theyll never get me out. Im like a weed, Jerry.
JERRYI thought youre like Hitler in the bunker?
GEORGEIm a weed in Hitlers bunker.
JERRYIm getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) Im getting another call, see ya(answers call) Hello!
DARRENHi, this is Darren from Kramers office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a lunch with you at Monks coffee shop.
JERRY(looking shocked) Really? When?
DARRENIn 10 minutes. Do you need directions?
JERRYNo, I dont.
DARRENWell, Ill call back in 5 minutes to confirm.
KRAMERYeah, 5.
ELAINEHey!
JERRYHey! So, wheres my money?
ELAINENo money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what?
JERRYOh yeah, hold on.
JERRYHello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerrys office. (Elaine is looking confused). Were going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking confused) What do you mean hes already left?
JERRYHey, Elaine is going to come with us, alright?
KRAMERWhat? When did this happen?
JERRYWell, just
KRAMER(yelling) DARREN!
[SceneAt Elaines apartment]
ELAINEI am not calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddys. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. Ill call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that! There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are. Thats funny. Thats really funny. Thats really really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up phone).
[SceneAt Monks Cafe]
GEORGEWell, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out.
JERRYDo you have to write all this stuff down.
DARRENWell, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didnt want to miss anything.
JERRYSo, how hot did it get?
GEORGEI dont know, 120, 130Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.
JERRYI guess you can take anything, but actual work.
GEORGEBring it on!
GEORGE(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!
JERRY(doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!
GEORGE(doing the voice) La la la.
KRAMERSorry I couldnt get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his "intern")
DARRENWell, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit
KRAMERUh huh
GEORGE(Interrupts) And I still say hes naked under there!
JERRYOh that makes a lot of sense.
GEORGEOh, shut up!
DARRENThen Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfelds drink with his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry then spits out the water).
[SceneAt Jerrys apartment in his bed]
JERRY(giggling)
CLAREWhats so funny?
JERRYOh, nothing. (still giggling)
CLAREWhat are you laughing about? Tell me.
JERRYOh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. Weve been doing this silly, dumb voice.
CLARESo is it fun humiliating me?
JERRYNo, its not you. Its your stomach, hes taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
CLARESo you think Im fat?
JERRYNo its
DARRENMr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!"
JERRYHey, were kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later?
DARRENOh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something up now?
JERRY(Screams) GET OUT!
CLAREIm leaving too.
JERRYNo body said youre fat. Hes a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy.
CLAREHe is fat!
JERRYNo, hes just a little bloated.
CLAREGood-bye!
JERRYIts mostly water weight.
KRAMERBoysenberry, the kid is still learning.
DARRENMr. KramerDean, my internship is on line two, she wants to set up a meeting.
KRAMERYeah, well nothing before noon.
JERRYLine two?
KRAMERYeah, your phone is line one.
JERRYOh
[SceneAt Elaines apartment]
PUDDYSo the gloves were right by the phone. That is pretty funny.
ELAINESee, this is what Jerrys doesnt understand. We can see each other. We can see each other every day, but it doesnt mean we are back together.
PUDDYI mean I love just seeing you and having sex.
ELAINEYeah.
PUDDYNot having to do all thatyou knowwork.
ELAINEWell, either way
PUDDYAll that calling you, and buying you stuff
ELAINEDavid
PUDDYCaring about how everyone at work isnt as smart as you. Its brutal.
ELAINEAlright thats it! Were back together!
PUDDYOh, no.
ELAINEOh, yeah.
PUDDYLook Elaine, be reasonable.
ELAINEGet those clothes off. Youre going to spend the night and were going to cuddle.
PUDDYWhat?
ELAINEYou heard me. Strip!
[SceneAt Play Now]
GEORGE(whistling).(laughing).AlrightOK.
GEORGE(on phone calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) IM IN MY OFFICE! Thanks.
[SceneAt NYU]
KRAMERDean Jones, you wanting to talk to me?
DEAN JONESIve been reviewing Darrens internship journal. Doing laundry
KRAMERYeah.
DEAN JONESMending chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman.
KRAMERI know it sounds pretty glamorous, but its business as usual at Kramerica.
DEAN JONESAs far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
KRAMERAnd with Darrens help, well get that chicken.
DEAN JONESIm sorry, but we cant allow Darren to continue working with you.
KRAMERWell, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary.
DEAN JONESYou fly is open.
[SceneAt Jerrys apartment]
JERRYSo youre sure youre not still angry about last night?
CLARENo, Im fine. Just as long as you dont ever do that voice again.
JERRYNever?
CLARENever.
JERRYWhat about if youre not around?
CLARENo!
JERRYSo I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?
CLAREThats right.
JERRYI can do that.
CLARESo whats your decision?
JERRYI dont know.
CLAREJerryHI.
JERRY(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha)
[SceneAt Jerrys apartment]
GEORGEYou broke up with her? Why?
JERRYSo we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. Whats the matter?
GEORGEI think Im getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?
JERRYNo, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.
GEORGEI think I like the girl better than the voice.
JERRYReally?
JERRY(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
ELAINEStill?
GEORGEI told you.
ELAINEAlright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money).
JERRYSee, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together.
ELAINEYeah, well not for long. Im breaking up with him.
JERRYNo, I dont think so. Ive seen you two together. You make each other miserable. Its kismet.
ELAINEDouble or nothing.
JERRYDone.
GEORGE(talking from bathroom) Witness?
JERRYYoure in there again.
GEORGEI think Play Now is putting something in my food.
ELAINEAlright, Im out of here.
JERRYWhat is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesnt fit him).
KRAMERI dont know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I havent been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. Im clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right?
JERRYYeah. Nine oclock.
KRAMERI was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago.
JERRY(doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.
KRAMERJerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played.
JERRYReally?
KRAMERSo played.
GEORGEI told you.
[SceneHallway, Darren is knocking on Kramers door]
KRAMERDarren? What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship.
DARRENI dont care about the internship. I care about Kramerica.
KRAMERKramerica is no more.
DARRENWhat about the oil tanker bladder system? We were going to put an end to maritime oil spills.
KRAMERProbably. Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica.
KRAMERWell, youre still here?
DARRENI havent had time to leave.
KRAMERWell, I havent changed my mind.
KRAMERWell, you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, Ill do it. Kramerica industries lives! Lets get back to work!
KRAMERLets see what Jerry has to eat.
[SceneAt Play Now in the bosses office]
THOMASSOULOYou win George. Weve had it. If you leave right now, Play Now will give you six months pay. Thats half of your entire contract. Pleasejust go.
GEORGEYou see if I stay the whole year, I get it all.
THOMASSOULOWant to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls on intercom) Attention Play Now employees, George Costanzas handicapped bathroom is now open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families.
GEORGEWell played.
THOMASSOULOIll see you in hell Costanza.
[SceneAt Jerrys apartment]
JERRY(on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in Jerry asks George) So we definitely dont want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, were back together again, great. Bye bye.
[SceneHallway Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank]
KRAMERHey.
JERRYTrouble down at the plant?
KRAMERIts a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder system.
GEORGEYou have to drink that whole thing?
KRAMERNo. No. No. Its for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact.
JERRYI understand (not really understanding, lol).
GEORGEWould a giant rubber ball work?
KRAMERConceivably.
GEORGEWell, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why dont we test your bladder system at my office?
JERRYYoure not
GEORGEOh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, theres nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil.
[SceneAt Monks Cafe]
PUDDYHey, you want to split a root beer (I think thats what he says)?
ELAINEI dont think so David, were through.
PUDDYOhThats a nice sweater (Elaine smiles).
[SceneAt Elaines house the two are in bed]
ELAINEWhew that was a dozy.
[SceneAt Jerrys apartment]
JERRYGo again?
ELAINEBook it.
GEORGE(again from bathroom) Witness.
[SceneAt Elaines apartment]
ELAINEDavid I know this hurts, but its the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like hes going to still get some).
[SceneAt Jerrys apartment]
JERRYHa ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
[SceneJerry and Elaine at the movies]
ELAINEIm going to get some popcorn.
SceneAt Jerrys apartment]
ELAINESo, how did it end?
JERRYThey got away.
ELAINEuh.
[SceneAt Elaines apartment]
ELAINEListen David, Ive got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks?
[SceneAt Play Now]
JERRYHey.
KRAMERDid you bring the video camera?
JERRYYeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, Ill see ya.
GEORGEOh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped.
JERRYI cant. I got to meet Clare.
KRAMERYou gave up the voice?
JERRYYeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again.
KRAMER & GEORGENo. No
JERRYDarren?
DARRENSorry Mr. Seinfeld.
JERRYUh, bathroom.
GEORGEHey, use mine. Ill let you in.
JERRYI thought it was open to the public.
GEORGEI uh, took care of that.
JERRYWow! Zanadu . No wonder youre putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I?
GEORGEI insist. Ill fix us a drink. (phone rings who would that be?) I got it.
KRAMERWhew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day Id be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I wouldve said youre crazy Now lets push this giant ball of oil out the window.
GEORGESo, check out my view.
JERRYWow! Hey, theres Clare. I better go down.
GEORGEHey, theres Kramer & Darren.
JERRYTheres the giant ball of oil. Clares right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!
CLAREI dont believe this. I am not looking up if youre going to do that voice.
KRAMERBombs away (Uh oh).
JERRYThis is going to be a shame.
GEORGEHello.
KRAMERWell, that didnt work. Hey, how about thisketchup and mustard in the same bottle?
DARRENOh that sounds interesting sir.
KRAMERYeah.
[SceneAt Monks Caf]
JERRYClare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess youre not going in anymore.
GEORGEYeah.
JERRYSo theyre not paying you your
GEORGENo.
JERRYSo youre pretty much
GEORGEYeah.
JERRYWhat ever happened to Darren?
KRAMERDarren is going away for a long long time.
JERRYSo Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil
GEORGE(doing the voice) Im slippery as an eel
KRAMER(doing the voice) La la la.
JERRYIm just so glad its back.
(SceneAt Elaines apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN)
ELAINESee, this is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling ourselves. We belong together.
PUDDYELAINE I want to break up.
ELAINEAh nuts!