ELAINEUh, excuse me.
GLADYSBe with you in a minute. (turns her back to Elaine and continues into phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun.
ELAINEUhm, I just have a question.
GLADYS(into phone) I know, the margaritas in that place are so strong.
ELAINE(walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like to buy these hirachis.
GLADYS(into phone) So? What else is goin' on?
ELAINE(shouts) HEY!!
GLADYSListen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine) Yes? What can I do for you?
ELAINE(tosses the hirachis onto the counter) Nothing. You, just lost a customer.
VALERIEReady to go? I don't wanna miss the previews.
JERRYMe neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.
VALERIEI think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny.
JERRYYeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go.
GEORGESo you're on the speed dial?
JERRYAfter two dates!
GEORGEWhat number?
JERRYSeven.
GEORGEWha! You know, it's a pain to change that. You gotta lift up that plastic thing with a pen.
KRAMERUh, hey buddy.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERIt all right if I keep these here for a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve party.
JERRYYou're gonna keep these here for eight months?!
KRAMERNo, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. The millennium. I told you about that.
JERRYKramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?!
KRAMERYou're not gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em.
GEORGEHey, so get this. I get a call this morning from one of the Mets front office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.
JERRYWhat for?
GEORGE(smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably wanna pick my brains.
JERRYReally, why d'you think they're taking you out to lunch?
GEORGE(thoughtful) I have no idea.
ELAINEAlright, I have had it with those Mayans.
JERRYI don't mind the Mayans.
ELAINE(unfolding chair) You know that store, Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely ignored me.
KRAMERWhat, we talking hirachis? I know a great store for hirachis.
ELAINENo, no, not Putumayo.
KRAMERNo, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah, Marcellino, he turned me on to it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.
GEORGE(slightly worried) You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this lunch.
ELAINEWhat'd you have?
KRAMERYeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? They'll be alright. (begins to leave)
JERRYKramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!
KRAMER(at the door) Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.
MINKLERGeorge, we'll be blunt. The Mets need somebody to head up scouting, and we think that someone might be you.
GEORGE(surprise) Head of scouting?
MOONEYInterested?
GEORGE(playing it cool) I'm still here.
MINKLERNow, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an offer while you're still under contract.
MOONEYYou understand what we're talking about?
GEORGESo you're talking...
MINKLERNo, no.
MOONEYWe're *not* talking. We're just, talking.
GEORGESo, you need me to get fired.
MINKLERWe didn't say that.
MOONEYWe couldn't say that, because even if we did...
MINKLER...we couldn't say that we said it.
MOONEYYou see what we're saying?
GEORGE(jokingly) You are still paying for this lunch?
MINKLER(serious) We didn't say that.
JERRYHi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?
VALERIE(pointedly) Someplace nice this time?
JERRYYeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I'd heard good things.
VALERIE(rising) I don't know, got a two in Zagat's.
JERRYLemme just check my messages. (to himself) Maybe a nicer girl called.
VOICE (O.C.)Hello?
JERRYHello? Who's this?
VOICE (O.C.)Jane. What number did you dial?
JERRYSeven?
ELAINEHey! See these? (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)
GEORGE (O.C.)(singing) Meet the Mets...
GEORGE...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet the Mets.
JERRYGood meeting?
GEORGEThere was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
JERRYYou can do that.
GEORGEOf course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!'
JERRYSo you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
GEORGEEhh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine?
KRAMERYou think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand? Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?
JERRYSo, George...
GEORGEYeah.
JERRY(rising) I had like a so-so date with Valerie, now I'm number nine on the speed-dial.
GEORGESo?
JERRYSo? I used to be seven. I dropped two spots.
GEORGEWhat, she's ranking you?
JERRYYeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer.
GEORGEWhat is a barometer exactly?
KRAMERIt's pronounced thermometer.
KRAMERYou know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll be like, wup (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a call on a 'mental phone') getting a call here.
KRAMER(to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. (to 'mental phone') Hey, how you doing, Newman?
KRAMER(to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk to Jerry?
VALERIE(pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have to do that. I mean, the dinner, and the play, and the hansom cab ride.
JERRYWell, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.
VALERIEOh.
JERRY(resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.
VALERIEI'm gonna go put these in some water.
JERRYI like the way you think.
JERRYOh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard!
GEORGESorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pride display case.
WILHELMIsn't that Babe Ruth's uniform?
GEORGEIs it? (reaches into bag)
GEORGEHuh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry) Ah, that's good. Ooh, juicy this time of year.
GEORGEGotta get the good ones.
GEORGEOh, that's bad. That's bad.
KRAMERSo Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?
JERRYSome of us.
KRAMER(crumpling a piece of paper) I don't wanna exclude anybody.
JERRYHola.
ELAINEShove it!
JERRYWhat is all this?
ELAINEI got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.
JERRYAh, no wonder we're getting so much rain.
KRAMERElaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date.
ELAINEHey, you know what? Newman sent me an invitation already, to his party.
KRAMERNewman?
ELAINEYeah.
KRAMER(reads) Come celebrate the millennium, with Newmanniun. Newman!
JERRYHi Valerie.
JERRYYou're not Valerie.
MRS HAMILTONI'm her step-mother. Drive.
MRS HAMILTONIt's taken me thirteen years to climb up to the top of that speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.
JERRYBut, I never...
MRS HAMILTON(threatening) You just stay away from that phone.
GEORGEYou wanted to see me, sir?
STEINBRENNERI heard about what happened at the meeting this morning...
GEORGEOh, yes. I already packed up my desk, sir. I can be outta here in an hour.
STEINBRENNER...and I have to tell you, it's exactly what this organisation needed.
STEINBRENNERWe wanna look to the future, we gotta tear down the past. Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs. And here's something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan. Ah, what d'you make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's wearing baseball pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs) Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take 'em off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal his boxers) Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching.
STEINBRENNERHey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you going for?
JERRYYou know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on your speed-dial.
VALERIEYou deserve it.
JERRYBut I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a week.
VALERIEMy stepmother got to you, didn't she?
JERRYWhat? No.
VALERIEUuh, I can't believe she did this again. That's it! She's off the speed-dial completely!
JERRYYikes!
KRAMERWell, I just got your invitation to the Newmanniun party.
NEWMANYou just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.
KRAMER(getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!
NEWMANI have done nothing unethical.
KRAMERYeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party.
NEWMANCancel! (jumps to feet) Think again, longshanks! I started planning this in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.
KRAMER(worked up) Well, what am I gonna do? I got over two hundred folding chairs, and quite a bit of ice.
NEWMAN(thoughtful) What kind?
KRAMERCubed.
NEWMANThat's good stuff, and you can never have too much ice. Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under one condition. No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.
KRAMERI gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.
NEWMANThat he may be. But he's outta my life, starting in the year two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!
JERRYHow could they not fire you?
GEORGENever thought I'd fail at failing.
JERRYAw, come on there now.
GEORGE(depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong.
JERRYNonsense. You do everything wrong.
GEORGE(hopeful) Everything?
JERRYEverything.
GEORGEYou really think so?
JERRYAbsolutely. I have no confidence in you.
GEORGEAlright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!
JERRYThat's the spirit. You suck!
GEORGE(pleased) I know.
ELAINENo, no, no no, listen to me. I work in fashion. Together, we can drive Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... de Mayo.
GLADYSDo you need some help with something?
ELAINE(puzzled) You? What're you doing here?
GLADYSI own this store.
ELAINENo you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless you own both stores. (laughs nervously)
GLADYSI'm Gladys Mayo.
ELAINEAh, this really sticks in my craw.
JERRYWell, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?
MRS HAMILTONI'm sure she'll be along. (handing over a glass) Have some wine, Jerome.
JERRYOkay.
MRS HAMILTONYou know Jerome, I can understand what Valerie sees in you. So attractive, so strong, so comedic.
JERRYUh, good.
MRS HAMILTONJerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea.
JERRY(nervous) What?
MRS HAMILTONWhy don't I put you on my speed-dial?
JERRYI don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't sound...
MRS HAMILTONDon't be such a child, Jerome. How's number three sound?
JERRYValerie's not coming over, is she?
MRS HAMILTONSeven, four...
JERRYNo...
MRS HAMILTONTwo...
JERRYStop, stop. This isn't right. What about Valerie?
MRS HAMILTONI won't tell if you don't.
JERRY(leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...
KRAMERJerry... Newman... Two-thousand...
KRAMER(yells) Newmanniun!!
KRAMER(whimper) Jerry?
KOREN (O.C.)Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing. Wait a minute! A short stocky bald man is streaking across the field.
JERRYOh my God, George!
KOREN (O.C.)Check that. He's not streaking. He's wearing a flesh-tone body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one seems upset.
JERRYKramer, look, it's George.
KOREN (O.C.)Everyone loves him.
KRAMERYeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come to my New Year's party.
JERRY(neutral) Fine.
KRAMER(agitated) I mean, it's killing me! Newman's got the jump on the invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!
JERRY(neutral) No problem.
KRAMER(swung by Jerry's argument) You're right. I won't do it without you. I feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.
KRAMER(pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's Newmanniun.
ELAINE(neutral) Okay.
KRAMERNo, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with me and Jerry.
ELAINE(neutral) Fine.
KRAMER(frustrated shout) Oh come on!!
ELAINE(neutral) Alright.
KRAMER(triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you, it's me, and it's Jerry, huh. (claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh. I'll tell Newman I don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first century.
ELAINE(following Kramer to the door) Okay. Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do you still have that pricing-gun?
KRAMERYeah.
ELAINEOkay, I need you to help me put Putumayo outta business.
KRAMERCan do.
JERRYWhat're you doing with a pricing-gun?
ELAINEThat place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over ninety-nine cents.
JERRY(to himself) Still a rip-off.
JERRYHello?
VALERIEJerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were on her speed-dial.
JERRYUh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you.
JERRYHold on a second.
JERRYHello?
MRS HAMILTON(seductive) Hi Jerome.
JERRYOh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I've got Valerie on the other line. Just a second.
JERRYHello?
VALERIEThat's her on the other line, isn't it?
JERRYWell...
VALERIETell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.
JERRYHang on.
JERRYShe knows about the speed-dial. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me off this thing.
MRS HAMILTONI won't, until she puts me back on hers.
JERRYHang on.
JERRYShe wants to be back on yours.
VALERIEFine. But only if you're off hers.
JERRYHang on.
JERRYFine, if I'm off yours.
VALERIENo, still me.
JERRYSorry. Hang on.
JERRYFine, if I'm off yours.
MRS HAMILTONI won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and I don't trust her.
JERRYPlease, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me.
MRS HAMILTON(conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide you in one of the emergency buttons.
JERRY(hurried) Great, bye.
JERRYShe said she'll do it.
VALERIEGreat.
JERRYHang on.
JERRYHello?
GEORGEJerry. I can't get fired.
FANHey, body-suit man. 's up?
FAN(pointing) Hey, body-suit man.
KRAMERHi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh, Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh, gritty-gritty.
GLADYSWell, lemme show you what we have.
KRAMERWell uh, I think I can just browse around on my own.
KRAMER(re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are these free?
GLADYSYeah.
KRAMERHmm-mmm.
GLADYSSome of those are women's clothes.
KRAMEROh, not a problem.
GEORGEAttention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.
KRAMERL'Occupado.
ELAINECome on, what is taking you so long?
KRAMERElaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B.
ELAINEPlan B? There is no plan B.
KRAMER(holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every single garment in the store.
ELAINEWhat?!
KRAMERThey're dessicates. See, they absorb moisture. (gleeful) These clothes won't last five years without 'em.
ELAINEThat's not gonna do anything.
KRAMERPatience.
ELAINEAlright. Forget it!
KRAMERWhat?
ELAINEYou have screwed me again, Pennypacker!
GLADYSLadies, care for some chips?
KRAMER(emerging from the changing room) Well, I don't mind if I do.
KRAMERWell, I've uh, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to build a rollercoaster instead.
STEINBRENNERI heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it is in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot believe that you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks my heart to say it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...
WILHELMWait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George doesn't deserve any of the blame for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.
STEINBRENNERWhat're you talking about, Wilhelm. You popping pills? You got the crazies again?
WILHELMNo, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George to drive around insulting people today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.
GEORGE(agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games!
STEINBRENNERMacho head games?
WILHELM(puts arm round George's shoulder) He's just being loyal to me, sir.
STEINBRENNERWilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an apology, body-suit man. Streak on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the game today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward the door) Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.
GEORGEMr Wilhelm, what was that?!
WILHELMI wanted to get fired. George, you are looking at the new head scout of the New York Mets.
WILHELM(singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Come right out and greet the Mets.
KRAMERI don't know what Elaine is so upset about. I mean, without dessicates, those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.
JERRYShe never sees the big picture.
JERRYHello, Newman!
NEWMANHello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you say to Elaine? I just got her cancellation in the mail.
KRAMEROh, well I guess she found some place better to go.
NEWMANWell, it's her mistake. Because she is going to miss the party of a lifetime.
KRAMERWell, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City.
NEWMANAlright. Come back to my party, please.
KRAMERJerry too, of course.
NEWMAN(reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you?
JERRYNo.
NEWMANAlright then, I guess I can accept a little Jerry, if it gets me a (suggestive) lot of Elaine.
KRAMERDeal?
NEWMANTo the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)
KRAMER(grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.
JERRYBy the way Newman, I'm just curious. When you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium New Year?
NEWMAN(smug) As a matter of fact, I did.
JERRYOh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.
JERRYAww!
MRS HAMILTONI don't feel well at all. I feel all dried-out inside.
VALERIEI'll call for help.
JERRYHello?
VALERIEWho's this?
JERRYIt's Jerry. Who's this?
VALERIEUh, it's Valerie.
JERRYOh, hi Valerie. What's up?
VALERIEI'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you!
JERRYWow, poison control? That's even higher than number one!
JERRYHello?