JERRYYou know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession stand?
ELAINEWhere the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?
JERRYHe's wailing on that banjo.
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYI just don't understand the raisinettes.
ELAINEThe sax player?
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYThe box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another box of raisinettes.
ELAINESo?
JERRYBox of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse.
ELAINEHE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.
JERRYWhy's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.
ELAINEHe's a musician.
JERRYMusicians. Get a real job.
WAITRESSWhat d'you want?
GEORGEAh, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me.
DANIELLE(to George) Neil.
DANIELLENeil.
DANIELLE(apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling broadly) I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend here. He looks just like you.
GEORGE(bemused) Really?
DANIELLE(smiling) Yeah.
GEORGE(pointing to himself) Like me?
DANIELLEUh-huh. Sorry.
GEORGE(confused, to himself) Like me? But how?
WAITRESSHere's your halibut omelette. Surprised?
GEORGEYes, yes, I am.
KRAMERLook what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.
KRAMERSaved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.
JERRY(reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'.
KRAMERYeah.
JERRY(examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect.
KRAMERHey.
GEORGEHey.
JERRYHey.
GEORGEHey. You ready?
JERRYAlmost.
KRAMEROkay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off some Cubans for me at your parents' house?
JERRY(reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo. I'm gonna be busy.
KRAMERAw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.
JERRY(grudging) Alright.
KRAMERYeahh. I owe you one.
JERRY(holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even.
GEORGEJerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.
JERRY(continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds.
GEORGE(incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out) This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?
JERRYMaybe he has money.
GEORGE(wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same, except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.
JERRY(zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.
GEORGEMaybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.
JERRY(picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?
GEORGE(pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend.
BLAINESo, what d'you wanna see?
ELAINE(indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch?
BLAINE(indicating another poster) How about The English Patient? It's up for all those Oscars.
ELAINEOh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.
BLAINEIt's a family in a brown paper bag.
ELAINE(laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there?
BLAINENo.
ELAINE(disappointment) Aww. Sold out.
BLAINE(to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English Patient.
ELAINESo d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?
GEORGE(smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like Neil?
DANIELLE(smiling back) Hi.
GEORGEHuh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here?
DANIELLEOh, no. He got held up at work.
GEORGEOh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look so similar.
DANIELLEWell, you know, you don't look that much like him.
GEORGE(disappointment) Oh. Course not.
DANIELLENo, you're a little taller.
DANIELLEYou look like you're in better shape than Neil. Do you work out?
GEORGE(smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward...
GEORGE...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone number?
ELAINE(very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about "The English Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk!
BLAINEI kinda liked it.
ELAINE(firm) No you didn't.
CAROLElaine. Elaine, did you just see The English Patient?
GAIL(tearful) Didn't you love it?
LISAHow could you not love that movie?
ELAINEHow about, it sucked?
CAROLThat Ralph Fiennes, I would give up my firstborn for him.
ELAINE(aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick.
MORTYJerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.
JERRYStairmaster?
MORTYWhat?
JERRYNothin'.
MORTY(opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing?
JERRYOh, did you get that outta my bag?
MORTYNo, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.
JERRYYou know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.
MORTYHoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted you to see. Izzy Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing) Watch this.
MORTYSee that? You couldn't do that.
JERRYI could, but I choose not to.
SIDHey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's this?
MORTYThis is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks he can lift more than Izzy.
JERRY(protesting) I..I didn't say that.
SID(calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you can.
IZZYYour kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian.
JERRY(smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.
SIDThat's not so funny.
IZZY(challenging) Think you're better than me, huh?
MORTYIzzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties.
JERRY(jocular) Eighteen-fifties?
IZZYYeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down) Let's see you lift that.
JERRY(reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...
IZZYC'mon, c'mon. Pump it!
JERRY(consenting) Alright.
IZZYYeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house.
JERRYThere. Alright?
IZZYStep aside, stringbean.
IZZYI'll show you. We're gonna take it up a notch.
IZZY(agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.
IZZY(drawn out) Aaaahh.
SIDSomebody, call an ambulance.
MORTY(unpanicked) There's already an ambulance here for Mrs Glickman. There's room for one more.
ELAINE(handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.
ELAINE(surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here?
LISAWe just saw The English Patient again.
GAILIt's even better the second time.
ELAINEThey make it longer?
BLAINE(to the girls) Got my umbrella.
ELAINE(shocked) Blaine!?
BLAINEElaine.
ELAINEI thought you were busy tonight.
BLAINE(cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't like The English Patient.
ELAINEIt's just a stupid movie.
BLAINE(to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.
CAROL(taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. Let's go.
BLAINE(bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!
ELAINE(fierce) I will!
HELEN(accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be ashamed of yourself.
JERRY(defensive) He egged me on.
HELENYou should be more mature.
JERRYHe's eighty!
MORTY(standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise. Now, goodnight.
HELEN(walking after Morty) You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too tight.
MORTYThis shirt will never leave my body.
HELEN(to Jerry) Goodnight.
JERRY(smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself.
GUILLERMOJerry Seinfeld please.
JERRYAh, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got the cigars?
GUILLERMOWhat cigars?
JERRYKramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.
GUILLERMO(indicating the threesome) We are the Cubans.
KRAMERYeah, hello, Jerry's place.
JERRY(animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?!
KRAMERI said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?
JERRYCigars!
KRAMERJerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I got these guys.
JERRY(incredulous) You're making your own cigars now?
KRAMERYeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.
JERRY(to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad.
MORTY(without looking up) Who are they?
JERRYThey're Cuban cigar rollers.
MORTY(walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother.
JERRYWhat is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?
KRAMERHot and spicy.
JERRY(accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?
KRAMERYes I am.
JERRYWhat colour is it?
KRAMERDamn!
GEORGEYou know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't have to take me out to dinner.
DANIELLEI wanted to give it to you in person.
DANIELLE(flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, and I know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.
GEORGEDoes Neil like to eat a big breakfast?
DANIELLE(inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll take about it.
GEORGE(looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I wanna be home in case Neil calls.
DANIELLEWell, goodnight.
GEORGE(hurried) I'll see you.
WAITRESSRough night?
ELAINEUgh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I don't like that stupid English Patient movie.
WAITRESSReally? I thought it was pretty good.
ELAINEOh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
WAITRESS(sour) Well, I liked it.
ELAINE(calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello? (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!
JERRYThis is quite a condo.
MORTYThe Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.
JERRYThe crepe place?
MORTYYeah. This is all big crepe money.
JERRY(doubtful) There's crepe money?
IZZYWhat are you doing here?
JERRY(apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
IZZYWhat the hell is that?
JERRYWhat?
IZZYThat shirt. You think that you are the number one dad?
MORTYThis was a gift from my son.
IZZYOh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number one.
JERRYMr Mandelbaum, please.
IZZYIt's go time.
IZZY(pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.
MORTYCall an ambulance.
JERRYI think I saw one a coupla doors down.
JERRY(disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!
GEORGE(animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.
JERRY(pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
GEORGE(surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
JERRYI don't know, but you better keep it up.
GEORGEI'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!
JERRY(to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.
MORTYHey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?
JERRYI will, I just walked in the door.
HELENYou have to go see him.
JERRYMa.
MORTYHelen, will you stop bothering him.
HELENJerry, that shirt is gone right to his head.
MORTYNumber One, signing off.
KRAMERJerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill) What's going on!?
JERRYWhat?
KRAMER(animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
JERRYSo?
KRAMERSo, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.
JERRYWhat's the difference?
KRAMERJerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.
JERRY(confused) We're talking about people, right?
KRAMERYes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.
JERRYI thought they smelled pretty nice.
KRAMERJerry, your palate's unrefined.
JERRYIs not.
KRAMERIs too.
JERRYIs not.
KRAMERIs too.
JERRYI'm not having this conversation.
KRAMERAre too.
JERRYAm not.
KRAMERAre too.
JERRYAm not.
KRAMERAre too.
PETERMANAnother productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient film last night. It was extraordinary.
DUGAN(enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me.
PETERMANElaine, what'd you think?
ELAINE(hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.
PETERMAN(aghast) You haven't seen it?
ELAINE(shakes head) No.
PETERMANThat's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.
JERRYAgain, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number.
IZZYUh, oh, wait.
IZZYHow 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for me.
JERRY(humouring him) That's very nice.
IZZYThe best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better than just number one.
JERRYWell, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.
IZZYHi, son.
IZZY JR.Hi daddy.
JERRY(surprise) This is your son?
IZZYI got married in high school.
IZZY JR.(to Jerry) Hey, who are you?
IZZYThis is Seinfeld's kid.
IZZY JR.Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring up to Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.
JERRY(jocular) You got any kids?
IZZY JR.Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead, pick out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.
JERRY(trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything.
IZZY(pointing) The television.
JERRY(under his breath) Oh no.
IZZY JR.This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.
IZZY JR.(pained) Ohh! My back!
IZZY(urgent) Call an ambulance.
JERRY(laconic) We're already in a hospital.
HAFFLERAwright, partner. Let's get down to business.
KRAMER(nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
KRAMERThey're right out here.
KRAMERHey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
HAFFLERYou wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper now, would you?
KRAMER(fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
HAFFLER(confusion) We're talking about people, right?
KRAMER(puzzled) I think so.
HAFFLERI thought he quit smoking cigars.
KRAMERWell, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks for a second) ...Dennis.
HAFFLER(dubious) Dennis Castro?
KRAMERUh, Dwayne.
HAFFLERGet the hell outta my office.
KRAMER(shrill) What!?
DANIELLEYou know, Neil called me today.
GEORGE(interested) Really?
DANIELLEYeah. He's pretty upset that I broke up with him to go out with you.
GEORGE(smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.
DANIELLEHe wants to get together tomorrow night and have coffee.
GEORGE(little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with me.
DANIELLE(surprised) What?
GEORGE(smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.
PETERMAN(emotional) And I thought I knew what love was.
ELAINE(indifferent) Yuh.
JERRY(incredulous) You asked her to move in with you?
GEORGEI gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.
JERRY(musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?
GEORGE(animated) Then I'm going to Mars!
JERRYWhat if it's Neil Diamond?
GEORGE(tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up!
JERRYAlright, I gotta go back to the hospital.
GEORGEWhat, to see the old guy?
JERRYNo, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too.
GEORGEHow old's the son?
JERRYI think he's the same age as the father.
GEORGEWhat is with this family?
JERRYI dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket.
KRAMER(quietly) Hey, Jerry.
KRAMER(noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.
JERRYYou're cold?
KRAMERNo. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat.
JERRYSomething wrong with your chest?
KRAMER(indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There.
JERRY(leaning round Kramer) Where?
KRAMER(urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.
KRAMEROver there. The Dominicans.
JERRYAren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
KRAMERWell, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to do.
GEORGESo?
KRAMERSo, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.
JERRYBoy, they seem pretty angry about something.
KRAMER(nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, shrill) El Presidente!
JERRYI swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table.
IZZY JR.I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida.
JERRYHe couldn't handle the weight.
IZZY(hostile) Oh, so now you think you're better than me?
IZZY JR.(indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?!
JERRY(placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're both better than me.
IZZYOkay.
IZZY SR.My boys.
IZZYMy dad.
IZZY JR.My grandpa.
JERRY(incredulous) Oh, come on!
IZZY SR.(indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him?
JERRYHe was trying to lift the TV.
IZZY SR.(pointing) That TV?
JERRY(consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time.
IZZY IZZY SR.. (O.C.)(pained) Oohh!
IZZY SR.Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down!
IZZYI still thought you could do it.
IZZY JR.Me too.
IZZY/IZZY JR/IZZY IZZY SR.(chanting and punching the air) Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...
JERRYFellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.
IZZYOh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've ruined our business with all your macho head games.
JERRY(defensive) I didn't ruin your business.
IZZYYes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes. We gotta close it up.
JERRY(uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that?
IZZYEach crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan!
JERRY(thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em?
IZZYYeah.
JERRY(having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later.
IZZY SR.(calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.
JERRYHere.
IZZYYou think you're better than us, don't you?! Huh!?
PETERMANElaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't take my eyes off the passion.
ELAINE(quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!
PETERMAN(surprised) Elaine. You don't like the movie?
ELAINE(shouts) I hate it!!
CROWDShh!
ELAINE(shouts) Oh, go to hell!!
PETERMAN(quietly) Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're fired.
ELAINE(grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside.
JERRYHe was gonna fire you?
ELAINEThe only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert.
JERRYTunisia?
ELAINEThat's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me.
JERRYWell, that doesn't sound so bad.
ELAINEI have to live in a cave.
JERRY(sardonic) Oh. (smiles)
KRAMERThese Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that. It's like they're rolling a double corona.
KRAMER(to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?
DANIELLEI'm very happy with George. I'm sorry Neil, it's over.
DANIELLECome on, let's just eat our crepes.
CUSTOMER(pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!
DANIELLE(concerned cry) Neil!
JERRYWhy are the crepes spraying?
KRAMER(looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them too tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.
GEORGEDanielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him?
DANIELLEYeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.
GEORGE(to Danielle) Whose cane is this?
DANIELLEIt's Neil's.
GEORGE(to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr Peanut.
GEORGEWell, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got a key made for you.
DANIELLEGeorge, I can't move in with you.
GEORGE(shocked) What?
DANIELLEI'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.
GEORGE(animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll burn myself. I'll burn my parents!
DANIELLESorry George.
NEIL(beckoning) George.
NEIL(quiet triumph) I win.
TANLadies and gentlemen. In just one moment, we'll be showing our feature presentation...
ELAINE(dread) No, no, no, no, no.
TAN...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman.
ELAINE(cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up.
GUYExcuse me, please.
ELAINEOh, sure.
ELAINE(uncomfortable) Ooh.
GUILLERMOLadies and gentlemen. Because we have been exploited by your Magic Pan crepe restaurants...
GUILLERMO...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!
GUILLERMOEveryone stay in your seats. And shut that movie off!
ELAINE(annoyed) Aww, nuts!