GEORGEDollar Eighty-Nine. Why is this a dollar eighty-nine? Why is there no haggling in this country?
JERRYI guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink.
GEORGENot me. Everything should be negotiable. (he picks up a container of fruit)
JERRYRestaurants too?
GEORGEAbsolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta. All starches are a scam.
JERRYYea especially Ziti, with that big hole.
GEORGEAhh, Excuse me, how much is this?
WORKERDollar nineteen.
GEORGEI'll give you a quarter.
WORKERGet the hell out of here.
JERRYTell him forty and no fork.
GEORGEThirty.
WORKERThat's it you leave and never come back!
JERRYHow about we leave and, come back in a week?
WORKERDeal! (turns and walks into the market)
GEORGEAlright see? We got something there.
KRAMERAwe check it out.
JERRYWow. Kenny Rogers Roasters. Finally open. Hey, look at the size of that neon chicken on the roof.
KRAMERRoger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on every block.
JERRYHe is the gambler.
KRAMERWell, (rubs hands) I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a turtle.
JERRYTry and stay calm.
KRAMERYea, yea.
MANHey Jerry.
JERRYSeth! Wow what has it been like five years?
SETHAt least.
JERRYYou wanna grab lunch?
SETHAh, I'm actually headed back to the office.
JERRYSeth, it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old college buddy?
SETHWell I am, supposed to be in this meeting.
JERRYBlow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to?
SETH & JERRYAlright, alright.
JERRYHey whatever happened to Moochie?
SETHHe's dead.
JERRYIs that right?
GEORGEYou know I still don't know how you can call lunch with me a business expense.
ELAINEWhat do you think of the catalog?
GEORGEIt stinks.
ELAINEThere, we just talked business.
SALES WOMANWe do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked.
ELAINEOh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff.
SALES WOMANYou know what else we have that you might like?
ELAINEI'll take it.
GEORGEHey, you like?
SALES WOMANI think it looks very nice on you.
GEORGEReally? (feeling flattered)
SALES WOMANHmm.
GEORGEElaine, huh... Peterman account?
ELAINEWhy not? (To the Sales Woman) And some hair for my little friend here.
SETHSo how's your stand up career?
JERRYGood, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan.
SETHDo you speak Japanese?
JERRYNo
SETHSo you would have done it in Japan, but in English.
JERRYI don't know. So what's this job of yours?
SETHBig investment firm.
JERRYMmmm.
SETHWe just got the Citibank account. In fact today was our first big meeting with them.
JERRYThe, the meeting you blew off?
SETHYea.
JERRYWasn't that kind of important?
SETHYea.
ELAINE...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a Water Pik.
JERRYYou use a Water Pik?
ELAINESure. Water Pik, floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.
JERRYSo you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what, two?
ELAINEWell, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call.
ELAINEHello?
MANGood day Ms. Benes. Its Roger Ipswitch.
ELAINEOh hey! How things doing in accounting?
ROGERMs. Benes, I notice youve been charging quite a bit of merchandise on the Peterman account.
ELAINEWell, I am the President.
ROGERYes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less, the expense account is for business purposes only.
ELAINEWell, well isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?
ROGERNo. I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day. (hangs up the phone)
ELAINEGood day.
JERRYHello. Anybody?
GEORGEHey.
JERRYHey. Why didn't cha get the big one?
GEORGEThis hat just bottles in the heat, I -I don't even need a coat! It's unbelievable!
JERRYI don't believe it.
GEORGEAh, and I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.
JERRYAhh, too bad you got a little, George Costanza thing going on.
GEORGEI'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.
JERRYThat's a date?
GEORGEWhat's the difference? You know they way I work. I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, youre hummin it in the shower, by the third date it's (sings) "By Mennen!".
JERRYHow do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?
GEORGEIf there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind. Keys, gloves, scarf -- I go back to her place to pick it up...(pop sound) date number two.
JERRYThat is so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse?
JERRY(sings theme) "By Mennen." What the?...
JERRYWhat's going on in there?
KRAMERWhat?
JERRYThat light!
KRAMEROh the red. Yeah, Its the chicken roaster sign. You know, its right across from my window.
JERRYCan't you shut the shades?
KRAMERThey are shut. Oh by the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by.
JERRYOh yeah? What'd he have to say?
KRAMERYeah, he was fired.
ELAINEWell, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the Aristotle goose down tunic. (laughs, modeling the comforter) What do you think?
ROGERAnother bulls eye.
ELAINEHmm. Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses was obviously for a legitimate business purpose.
ROGERI just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.
ELAINEThe hat? Why do you need to see the hat?
ROGERIt costs eight-thousand dollars.
ELAINEWhat?
ELAINEOhh. (trying to control the Water Pik and shut it off.)
JERRYSeth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the lunch with me?
SETHWe're old college buddies.
JERRYI only knew you through Moochie.
SETHHey Jerry don't worry about it all right. The important thing is, is we got to catch up. Mind if I ah, grab the want ads?
JERRYUm, actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet. (takes the paper back)
JERRYHow's life on the red planet? (shuts door)
KRAMERIts killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. (gets some cereal from the cubard and pours it in a big bowl)
JERRYWell, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?
KRAMERAh, they gave me the heave ho. You know, I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there.
JERRYWhat are you doing?
KRAMERGetting some cereal
JERRYThat, that's tomato juice.
KRAMERThat looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all screwed up! Alright, that's it. I gotta move in with you Jerry.
JERRYI don't know Kramer, ahh, my concern is that ....
JERRY..living together after a while we... we might start to get on each others nerves a little.
KRAMERAlright listen to me, I got a great idea. Now, you're a heavy sleeper, right? Why don't we just switch apartments?
JERRYOr I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make it an eight room luxury suite.
KRAMERJerry these are load bearing walls, they're not gonna come down!
JERRYYea, that's no good.
KRAMERI may have to drive that place out of business.
JERRYHow you gonna do that?
KRAMERLike we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.
HEATHERThanks George, but I got it from here.
GEORGEOh no I'm in already come on.
GEORGESo eh, you eh, wanna get together tomorrow?
HEATHERNo, I'm gonna be pretty busy.
GEORGEWhat about this weekend?
HEATHERI'm gonna be busy for a while.
GEORGEOK, ah.. (George throws his keys on the table) see ya!
HEATHERHey, you forgot your keys.
GEORGEOh, those, those aren't my keys.
HEATHERWell they're not mine.
GEORGEOh. Ha. They are my keys, how weird. (laughs)
HEATHERGoodbye George.
GEORGEYea bye.
HEATHERGeorge, Bye! (picks up phone) Hello? You are not going to believe the date I just had.
GEORGE(sings) Co-stan-za. (like "By Mennen")
ELAINEWhat do you mean you don't have the hat?
GEORGEI left it at Heather's. Are these alive? (pounding on glass display)
ELAINENo dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!
GEORGEAlright, alright, I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat back, I will get a second date. Ha ha ha. Now watch the magic.
ELAINEDial 9- MERLIN.
HEATHERHello?
GEORGE(clears throat) Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.
HEATHEROy!
GEORGEAh, listen ah, I don't mean to bother you but ah, silly me, I- I think I may have left my hat in your apartment. So ah, I thought I'd just come by later and pick it up.
HEATHERYou didn't' leave a hat here.
GEORGEI- I'm pretty sure I left it eh, behind the cushion of the chair ... accidentally.
HEATHERNo hat. George I gotta go.
GEORGEAh, a, You know what, maybe I'll just come ... umm, yummm (stammering)
JERRYSeth?
SETHJerry Hi! What do you think?
JERRYI think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that couldn't be.
SETHYeah, I'm the new manager
JERRYBut your were an executive, this is fast food.
SETHNot fast food, good food quickly. Hey, next time lunchll be on me, huh Jer.
KRAMERHey, stay away from the chicken. Bad, bad chicken, mess you up.
SETHThat's not going to be good for business.
JERRYThat's not going to be good for anybody.
KRAMERJerry Im so glad we switched apartments. It was a perfect solution.
JERRYLook Kramer, i-i-if I'm gonna live over there, y-y-you gotta take some of this stuff out. I mean this thing is really freaking me out (holds up a ventriloquist dummy). I feel like its gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.
KRAMERWhat, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.
JERRYAnd one other thing, I don't want Newman using my...
JERRYOh no.
NEWMANNice place you got here Kramer ...
KRAMERYeah.
NEWMAN... a man can really get some thinking done. (sits on couch, next to Kramer.)
JERRYWell don't get too comfortable. As soon as Seth gets a real job you two are gong back in that chicken supernova.
KRAMERWhat is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here.
NEWMANI don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.
KRAMERWell I'm boycotting it.
NEWMAN(eating) hm.
KRAMERWhat is that, hickory?
NEWMANYea, it's the wood that makes it good.
KRAMERReally?
NEWMANUh-Huh.
KRAMEROh stop it. (he slaps Newmans shoulder) Whats the matter with you.
KRAMERMmmmm.
HEATHERCan I help you?
ELAINEHi, yeah, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's...
HEATHEROh.
ELAINE... I'm a friend of George Costanza's. (while she is talking, she is dragging George in by pulling his ear)
GEORGEHi.
ELAINEAh, (releases Georges ear) whether you're aware of it or not George had this pathetic little plan to, leave something behind so he could weasel a second date.
HEATHERReally?
ELAINEI know, he- he has a real confidence problem.
GEORGEWell not really...
ELAINEGeorge...
GEORGEAh... (quietly)
ELAINE... Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not be. But, I really do need to have the hat back.
HEATHERLook, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here. I mean, maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...
GEORGEWell that makes sense.
ELAINEWell then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?
HEATHERBe my guest.
GEORGEGood to see you again.
GEORGEShe's bluffing...
ELAINEUhhh...
GEORGE... She's got it stashed away in there somewhere.
ELAINEThis is an absolute disaster.
GEORGEOh I don't know. Check this out.
ELAINEYou stole her clock?
ELAINEWell done. (pats George on the shoulder)
GEORGEYep, this one for our side!
JERRY(Thinking) What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship. Gotta relax.
JERRY(startled - eyes wide open) Hello, is somebody there? (scurrying sound) Mr.- Mr. Marbles?
ELAINESo I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon. What am I gonna do?
KRAMERYou should sleep with him.
JERRYHey buddy. I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's like in there, all night long things are creaking and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain!
ELAINEYou look a little stressed.
JERRYOh I'm stressed! (makes like Kramer, outstretching his arm. Jerry heads for the freezer for some ice cream.)
ELAINESo Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.
JERRYYou know my friend Bob Sacamano?
ELAINEI thought he was Kramer's friend.
JERRYWell, he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking, he sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.
ELAINEForty bucks? Are they Sable?
JERRYNo, but the difference is negligible.
KRAMEROh yea, I like this idea. (sounding very much like Jerry)
ELAINEAlright, lets give it a shot, lets go.
JERRYGiddee up!
NEWMANIt's getting cold, it's getting cold.
KRAMERThat was a close one.
NEWMANWell why do we have to keep this from Jerry?
KRAMERBecause if Jerry finds out that I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back there with the red menace.
IPSWITCHMs. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Nutria.
ELAINEw-w- Well, that's a -ah, its kind of Sable.
IPSWITCHNo, its a kind of rat.
ELAINEThat's a rat hat?
IPSWITCHAnd a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors. Nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this time.
ELAINEBut, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.
IPSWITCHAnd quite mad too from what I hear.
ELAINEWait a minute, wait a minute. Can I fire you?
IPSWITCHNo.
KRAMERSo Heather called?
GEORGEYeah, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'. Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?
KRAMERNo, but this is all very exciting. (sounding very much like jerry)
GEORGEShe knows that I have her clock. I know that she has my hat. I think she's getting ready to make an exchange.
KRAMERWell there is the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.
GEORGEI've looked at that, seems unlikely.
KRAMERI'd look again. So ah, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?
GEORGEJerry, I can't talk to Jerry anymore. Ever since he moved into that apartment he's too much ... like you.
KRAMERHmm. That's a shame.
JERRYSeth, you're the manager, can't you turn off that sign?
SETHJerry I lied. I'm just an assistant manager.
SETH(On loud speaker) Number sixty seven, family feast.
NEWMANNumber 67, right here, right here!
JERRYHello Newman.
NEWMANHello Jerry.
SETHAnd don't forget your steamed broccoli.
JERRYHold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
NEWMANI love.. broccoli, its, good for you.
JERRYReally? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
NEWMANGladly. (starts munching on the broccoli, then spits it out)
NEWMANVile weed!
JERRYIt's Kramer isn't it? I knew it! The greasy door knob the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?
NEWMANYes, Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.
KRAMERNewman, what took you... ah hey, hey
JERRYExpecting Newman? That's funny because I just happened upon him down at the Kenny Roger's Roasters.
KRAMEROh, shh, Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place.
JERRYHe was buying quite a load of chicken, almost for two people ...
KRAMEROh
JERRY... as long as one of them is not him.
KRAMER(laughs) Oh hey, you know Elaine, ah she stopped by...
JERRYUh-ha.
KRAMER... Yeah dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat. Oh she's ah, upset at him, oh yes siree. Yeah well thanks for stopping by.
JERRYI sure do miss my apartment. Maybe I'll switch back.
KRAMEROh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and eh, he-he-hwow, run that Roger's right out of town.
JERRYI don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble. I'll do it myself.
KRAMERYeah, yeah go ahead yeah, put the banner up doesn't matter to me.
JERRYAll right. (opens door - Red light floods hallway - a buzzing sound emanates.)
KRAMERNo Jerry! I - I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken. Now you leave those roasters alone. Kenny never hurt anybody.
JERRYYou got a little problem.
KRAMEROh I got a big problem Jerry!
BOYHere, kneel here.
ELAINEWhat?
BOYKneel.
ELAINEKneel?
PETERMANElaine.
ELAINEMr. Peterman.
PETERMANJaba! Bagama ma Jaba. Olymala Hungui. (The boy runs out of the room)
ELAINEYou speak Burmese?
PETERMANNo Elaine, that was gibberish.
ELAINEAh.
PETERMANSo did you have any trouble finding the place?
ELAINENo, you're the only, white poet warlord in the neighborhood. (laughs)
PETERMANAre you an assassin?
ELAINEI - I work for your mail order catalog.
PETERMANYou're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
ELAINEWell actually um, I do have a bill here. If you could just sign, this expense form, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.
PETERMANI'd be happy to Elaine (he starts reading the form as she hands him a pen)... but I will have to see this hat.
ELAINERight... (nodding)
GEORGESo how do you want to do this?
HEATHERAlright George, I'll be honest. The first time we went out, I found you very irritating. But after seeing you a couple of times, you sorta got stuck in my head, (sings) Ca-stan-za! (like "By Mennen") (laughs)
GEORGESo you - you really don't have my hat?
HEATHERWhat?
GEORGEUh, le - let's go do, something.
HEATHERWhat's in the bag?
GEORGEOh that's eh, that's a sandwich.
GEORGE...ah (picks up the bag) Damn salami.
HEATHER(grabs the bag) My clock, you stole it!
GEORGEThat damn delicatessen that - that is last time they screw up one of my orders.
JERRYHey Seth. Man it is coming down hard out there.
JERRYOh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business.
SETHThat's not gonna be good for anybody.
KRAMER(his mouth is very full) Kenny? ... Kenny?
KRAMER(quietly and staring across the street) Kenny .... Kenny ....... Kenny
JERRYHome at last. Ahhhh. (light turns off)
JERRYIs someone there?
JERRYMr. Marbles?
ELAINEThis the Urban Sombrero, I put it on the last catalog cover.
PETERMANThe horror ... the horror.
Definitions of several items in the Chicken Roaster episode
http//www.nutria.com/site.php
http//www.nationaltrappers.com/nutria.html