JERRYHey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.
ELAINEUgh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.
JERRYNow, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick?
ELAINEWhat is this, a 'bit'?
JERRYNo.
ELAINE'Cos I'm not in the mood.
JERRYWe're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one!
ELAINEYeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.
JERRYThey've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.
ELAINE(tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement?
JERRY(hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?
ELAINEIt was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, and hit the word 'good' harder.
JERRY(thinking) Great. Thanks.
ELAINESo, your firm designed all the furniture in here?
BRETTWe manufacture it. The original designs are by Karl Farbman.
ELAINE(as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.
BRETTYou know Farbman?
ELAINEMm, love Farbman.
BRETTMost people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman.
ELAINEWuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha.
ELAINEWouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes?
ELAINEBrett? Don't you think that would be great?
ELAINEBrett?
BRETT(still staring off) After the song, babe.
ELAINEHuh?
BRETTThe song.
JERRYSo when do I meet this jerk?
ELAINEHe's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman.
JERRYWho?
ELAINE(dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
JERRYWhat song?
ELAINEDesperado.
JERRYDesperado?
ELAINEUh huh.
JERRYAnd you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.
JERRY(pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
ELAINEUh huh.
JERRYI invented that.
ELAINEThat, had to be invented?
JERRYWhen I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea to twirl it, to attract customers.
ELAINE(skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it?
JERRYElaine.
ELAINEExcuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing.
JERRYElaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a history lesson.
CLICKYTeddy Padillac came up with this twirl.
ELAINE(looking at Jerry) Ohh.
JERRYI know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.
CLICKYYeah, that's where he come up with it.
JERRYIn his dreams.
ELAINEAlright, can we (glances at her watch) go?
JERRY(to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient the customers.
JERRYIt's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
GEORGE(pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
JERRY(as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.
KRAMERHey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you. Ker-ching.
JERRY(taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster than I can sign 'em.
GEORGEWhat checks?
KRAMEROh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.
JERRYI don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening credits of some Japanese comedy show.
KRAMERYeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
JERRY(opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.
GEORGELook at all of those! You're rich!
JERRYNaw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign 'em.
KRAMERHey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?
JERRYWhy?
KRAMER(getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. It's a Farbman.
GEORGEHe's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
JERRYAh, who are any of her losers?
GEORGE(dryly) You're on that list.
GEORGEAlright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars.
KRAMEROh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
EGOYeah, you heard of 'em?
KRAMERThey're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment.
GEORGESo? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather.
JERRYI do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.
JERRYSigned over a hundred checks this morning.
KRAMERHello, twelve dollars.
MR OHExcuse me. Would you take picture please?
KRAMER(takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.
JERRYI'm gonna ask this guy something.
JERRY(to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented that, don't you?
KRAMER(to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan.
MR YAMAGUCHIHai.
MR OHYes.
KRAMER(points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug?
KRAMERThat's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
MR OHAhh, Super Terrific Happy...
KRAMERAh, yeah. Yeah, that's him.
MR OHWhat is he doing?
KRAMERWell, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure.
MR OHHe's funny.
KRAMEROh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics.
KRAMERYeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in America.
CREW LEADER(calling to George) We're pretty much finished.
CREW LEADERThere's just one more thing.
GEORGE(smiling expectantly) Here it comes.
CREW LEADER(clears throat) You forgot to sign your check.
GEORGE(signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything else?
CREW LEADER(flat) No.
GEORGE(let down) So, that's it?
CREW LEADERUnless you need a receipt.
GEORGE(melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing. I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.
CREW LEADER(flat) Good luck with that.
JERRYHey.
ELAINEWhat's with the claw?
JERRYSuper terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
BRETT(to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.
ELAINEOh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.
JERRYHi.
BRETTThat's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian.
JERRYAh, I'm one kind.
ELAINEHave you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer?
JERRYThe Fleckman.
BRETTFarbman.
JERRYRight.
ELAINEYou gotta see 'em. Beautiful.
JERRY(not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.
BRETTI'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at.
JERRYNo. I'm fine, thank you.
BRETTDon't worry. It's no charge to you.
BRETTLooks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits.
JERRY(quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.
BRETT(walking back to Elaine) Well, of course you don't. You don't have a proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.
ELAINEMmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine.
BRETT(quiet) Oops.
BRETTWell, I'm sure things'll pick up for you soon. Elaine, maybe we should get going.
ELAINEOh. Jerry, you wanna join us?
JERRYOh, where you going? The coffee shop?
BRETT(scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that. You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.
JERRYYou look like you could use a...
ELAINE(warning) Jerry.
KRAMER(reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these run you in Tokyo?
MR OH(thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, thirty thousand yen.
KRAMER(shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free.
KRAMERGiddyup. You're a cowboy now.
BRETTI feel terrible about your friend Jerry. He's upset that I gave Kramer that chest of drawers, isn't he?
ELAINEWhy? Why d'you think he's upset?
BRETTHow could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment. And outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.
ELAINE(romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we?
BRETT(smiling) I hope not.
ELAINE(surprised) Brett? Everything alright?
ELAINE(worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside?
BRETTElaine, the song.
ELAINE(relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on the fender...
BRETTElaine, could you just not talk for one minute?
ELAINE(apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.
JERRYNo spiel?
GEORGE(annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. Call themselves a cult!
JERRYSo you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?
GEORGEThey could've at least tried!
JERRYYou know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?
GEORGEPlease.
JERRYToo dumb?
JERRY(impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds.
KRAMERKonichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits beside Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room.
JERRYSounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.
KRAMERWell, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that money goes, hmm?
KRAMERThat's right.
GEORGEHow'd you hook up with these guys?
KRAMERWell, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.
JERRYWhat kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
KRAMER(to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did.
GEORGE(excited) Yeah, the pilot!
KRAMERThat's right, I think that had marvellous production values.
GEORGE(enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese TV. They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New York!
JERRYForget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.
GEORGE(animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn on a TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about their dates!
KRAMERGeorge is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.
TV JERRYYou had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could go out with my butler?!
TV ELAINEWell, why do I need your permission?
TV JERRYBecause he's my butler.
GEORGE(eager) So? What d'you think?
EXECUTIVE 1We're bit confused. Why was this man Jerry's butler?
GEORGEAh. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a car accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.
EXECUTIVE 1Is this customary in your legal system?
JERRYNo. That's what makes it such a humorous situation.
EXECUTIVE 1(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Are you following any of this?
EXECUTIVE 2(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE I'm still trying to figure out why they gave us a bag of oranges.
EXECUTIVE 1(to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is very funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan.
GEORGEOh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America too long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.
EXECUTIVE 1(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Again with the oranges
JERRY(flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb.
GEORGE(positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy Hour. (laughs)
EXECUTIVE 1You must go now.
ELAINEAh, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during Desperado.
JERRY(throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado station?
ELAINEHe is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.
JERRYYou know, what you need is a song you can share.
ELAINEYes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song.
JERRYOkay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about?
ELAINE(points) I like Witchy Woman.
JERRYWitchy Woman?
ELAINEYou know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'.
JERRY(getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.
KRAMER(to Jerry) Hey, man.
ELAINEHey.
JERRYHey. How was the Rainbow Room?
KRAMERUh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.
JERRYAh.
KRAMERUh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?
JERRYWhat for?
KRAMER (O.C.)Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with me.
JERRYI thought they all had suites at the Plaza?
KRAMERWell, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like you do.
JERRYWell, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?
KRAMERWell, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even with fifty thousand yen.
ELAINEFifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?
KRAMEREvidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.
ELAINEIn them?!
JERRYYou have them sleeping in drawers?!
KRAMERJerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
JERRYThis has 'international incident' written all over it.
KRAMER(smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.
KRAMERGoodnight, Mr Tanaka.
MR TANAKAGoodnight.
KRAMERGoodnight, Mr Oh.
MR OH(sits up) Goodnight.
KRAMERGoodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.
MR YAMAGUCHI(sits up) Oyasuminasai *(Japanese for goodnight)
JERRYWhat is this?
KRAMERRice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.
JERRYAh. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well, I'm off to the bank.
KRAMER(opening the fridge) Sayonara.
JERRY(leaving) Konichi-wa.
BRETTElaine, I...
ELAINEShh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?
ELAINEWhat are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song.
BRETTWitchy Woman is okay for you, but I've already got a song.
ELAINEOh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it.
BRETT(flat) No. It's mine.
KRAMERHere you go. Snap, crackle and pop.
KRAMER(loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer.
MR OH (O.C.)Ach, come back in half hour.
JERRY(calls) Hey, I'll take one.
CLICKYWell, look who's back!
CLICKYTeddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the guy says he invented the twirl.
TEDDY(unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!
JERRYTeddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) What've you got in a push-button mini.
TEDDY(bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years ago.
JERRYBailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we had some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?
TEDDY(angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you during the poncho craze of eighty-four? I almost lost my house.
CLICKYUmbrella, buddy?
CLICKYNow we got that damn 'urban sombrero' to contend with.
TEDDY(to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit for the twirl.
JERRYAw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?
TEDDY(intense) I care. Clicky cares.
JERRYSo, could I...
JERRYCould I just buy an umbrella?
TEDDY(sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.
JERRY(shock) What?!
TEDDY(caustically) Special price, for a real foul-weather friend.
KRAMERHey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to run the bases.
GEORGE(indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the tarp on the field.
KRAMER(quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys? Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.
GEORGEWell, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show.
KRAMER(snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how would you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?
MR OHBut, we are also very hungry.
KRAMEROh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch the tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.
KRAMER(shouts) Hey, peanuts!
WILHELMGeorge. (waves George over) George.
WILHELM(puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners?
GEORGEAre they here?
WILHELMThey're in my office, right now.
GEORGE(suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they?
WILHELMAbout what?
GEORGE(to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult is this?!
BRETT(calls over) Hey Jerry!
JERRYOh, hi Brett.
BRETTHaven't you ever heard of an umbrella?
JERRYAh, I didn't have enough money.
BRETTI'm sure things'll pick up for you.
JERRYNo, it's not that, it's the...
JERRYOh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined!
BRETTAh, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents?
JERRYNo, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and writing.
BRETTNothing's working for you, is is?
JERRY(bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.
BRETTI'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here.
JERRY(sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!
ELAINEBrett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman.
JERRYBoogeyman.
ELAINEBoogey?
JERRYI'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?
ELAINENo. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. Hey, what d'you think of Oye Como Va?
JERRY(negative) Eehh.
ELAINE(desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, Jer!
JERRYHey.
GEORGE(excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends. They loved it!
JERRYReally? They bought the butler character?
GEORGE(excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.
JERRYNBC?
GEORGE(little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.
JERRYAh. But they told us we must go now.
GEORGEBut now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, that love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.
JERRYHey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever it is. (vehement) Just take it!
GEORGEHey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?
JERRYWho?
GEORGEThe network executive. You think she liked me?
KRAMERHeyy! Look who's here.
KRAMER(beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here.
MR OHCome on in, fat boy!
GEORGEGet a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day tomorrow!
JERRY(to himself) Last one.
JERRY(agonised) Uugh! Ahh.
KRAMERThere you are.
GEORGEUh. (smiles) Where's the boys?
KRAMERUh, no, I let 'em sleep in.
KRAMERI'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need a little food money.
GEORGE(horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes!
KRAMERNo, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in that hot-tub.
GEORGE(frantic) I'm calling Jerry.
JERRYYeah?
GEORGE(panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
JERRY(kidding) Uncle Leo?
GEORGE(scream) Jerry!!
JERRYAlright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.
JERRY(to himself) Hmm, testy.
JERRYHello?
MR OH (O.C.)Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!
JERRYIt's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped the wood.
MR OH (O.C.)Pull harder.
JERRYI'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week.
MR OH (O.C)Very funny, but no joking, please.
JERRY(looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out.
ELAINEBrett, believe me. You don't have to do this.
BRETTElaine, I know he'll appreciate this. Granted, it's not as nice as Kramer's cabinet, but it's start.
ELAINEUh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet.
JERRY (O.C.)(yell) Move to the back of the drawers!
ELAINEJerry?
ELAINEJerry.
BRETT(shouting) Not the Farbman!!
MR OH(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Jerry Seinfeld is a dangerous lunatic. He wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an axe.
EXECUTIVE 1(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE We suspect his friend here is also unbalanced.
GEORGESo, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?
MR OH(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Could we have a couple of those oranges?
MR OH(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE We are very hungry and have survived many hardships.
GEORGE(to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
EXECUTIVE 1Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry Seinfield.
GEORGEMr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
WILHELMI'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, one day, we will do the cleaning.
GEORGE(incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I don't have?!
GEORGE(urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
WILHELMWilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya.
EXECUTIVE 1(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series.
JERRY(apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit you in the head with.. an axe.
JERRY(defensive) At least it was just the handle!
BRETTIt was a beautiful cabinet. What am I gonna tell...
BRETTI can't remember his name!
JERRYFleckman?
ELAINECalm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down. (holds Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'
ELAINE/JERRY(singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you, before it's too...'
NURSEHis pulse is fine.
DOCTORHmm. Looks like a minor concussion. Let me see what I can do to relieve the swelling.
NURSEDoctor?
NURSE(concerned) Doctor?
NURSE(worried) Doctor?
NURSE(alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing him!