KRAMERWell, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle.
NEWMANI guess there's not much action down there these days.
KRAMEROh, there's action. There's plenty of action. That damned alien autopsy is stealing all the headlines.
NEWMANYeah, tell me about it.
KRAMERSee, what they gotta do is loose a plane or a Greenpeace boat in there. See, that would get the triangle going again.
NEWMANWhat keeps the water in there? I mean, why doesn't it disappear?
KRAMERWhat would be the point in taking the water?
NEWMANIt's gorgeous water. (pause) Do we own Bermuda?
KRAMERNo. It belongs to the British.
NEWMANLucky krauts.
KRAMERSo, what do you think about that alien autopsy?
NEWMANOh, that's real.
KRAMERI think so too.
ATTENDANTThe doctor will be with you in a moment.
ELAINEDifficult?
DOCTORElaine. You shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours.
ELAINEWell it's, it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know there made of paper.
DOCTORWell that was a long time ago. How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash......
ELAINEBut it was in pen. You fake erase.
DOCTORAll right Miss Benes. This doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.
ELAINEWhat are you writing? Doctor.
SHEILAHere you go.
GEORGEThanks.
SHEILAI hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.
GEORGEOhhhhhh
JERRYNo. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver.
GEORGESmile
JERRYWhat are you doing?
GEORGEI meet this women, Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something
JERRYExtra teeth. I love that look.
GEORGEHey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt."
JERRYWhat mustard stain?
GEORGEDon't you see. She's looking at my pictures.
JERRYWhy did you take a picture of a mustard stain?
GEORGEThat's got nothing to do with it.
JERRYI see. She's looking.
GEORGEYesssss.
KRAMERHey, you got to get this thing fixed.
JERRYThey've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same.
KRAMERWould you like a refund?
JERRYWell I can't the warranty expired two years ago.
KRAMERWould you be interested?
JERRYWell how are you going.....
KRAMERWould you?
JERRYI guess I would.
KRAMERYeah, yeah.
ELAINEYou are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today.
JERRYNot the gown again.
ELAINENo, no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that?
JERRYThey have gotten to know you.
ELAINEThen the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash.
GEORGEWhy don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult.
ELAINEOh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.
JERRYWhy because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys.
ELAINEListen to me you little shi........
GEORGESmile.
DOCTORWell Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown.
ELAINEOh it's my pleasure. I love these. In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on.
DOCTORAll rightly. Let me just review your history before we begin.
ELAINEWhere did you get my chart?
DOCTORFrom your last doctor. It's a standard procedure.
ELAINEYou know I can tell you my whole history. Let's just.......
DOCTOROkay. Let's take a look. Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.
ELAINEPlease, please. It's really, really itchy.
POSTAL WORKER DANNYSeinfeld?
JERRYYeah.
POSTAL WORKER DANNYI got a package for you. Sign here.
JERRYWho's it from?
POSTAL WORKER DANNYNo return address.
JERRYWhat if I don't want it?
POSTAL WORKERAre you refusing delivery?
JERRYMaybe I am.
POSTAL WORKER DANNYWhy would you do that?
JERRYI've never done it before.
POSTAL WORKER DANNYWhy start now?
JERRYWhy not?
POSTAL WORKER DANNYAll right.
GEORGEWhy did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package.
JERRYI don't know it was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from.
GEORGEWhat do you think it's a bomb?
JERRYIt's not totally impossible.
GEORGEOh the ego on you.
JERRYWhy can't I be bombable?
GEORGEWho's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes.
JERRYI suppose you think your bombable.
GEORGEHey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way.
JERRYThere's more than a couple.
GEORGEHey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these.
JERRYYou don't have a Mercedes.
GEORGEI know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine.
JERRYThe driver seems a little put out.
GEORGENo. He was fine with it. Check that out.
JERRYIs that Burt Reynolds?
GEORGEWax Museum.
JERRYOh.
GEORGEOh. What is this?
JERRYThat's a lot of skin.
GEORGEThis must be Sheila from the photo place.
JERRYYou can barely see her face.
GEORGEShe must have slipped it in here.
KRAMERI I I
GEORGEPhoto store Sheila.
KRAMERWell hello Photo store Sheila.
GEORGEAll right. I will see you boys later.
JERRYWhere are you going?
GEORGETo ask her out.
KRAMERNo, no. Your not playing the game.
GEORGEWhat game?
KRAMERShe goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on a date with me please. "
GEORGENo good?
KRAMERGeorge. It's the timeless art of seduction. You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back.
GEORGEOh, I don't know.
KRAMERWell as you know I've always been something of a photog.
JERRYOh yeah I like this idea.
UNCLE LEOHey Danny. Hello. How are you?
POSTAL WORKER DANNYHey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't except his package.
UNCLE LEOOh He wants it. He's just trying to be funny. Yeah I'll sign it .
ELAINEAnd then he starts writing on my chart.
GEORGEWell why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like.
ELAINEYou can't change your chart. It's your chart.
GEORGEI am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time.
ELAINEYou are!?!
GEORGEHey. I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck. Elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone?
ELAINEYeah. I sent one to everyone I know. Remember my Christmas card.
GEORGEOh yeah the nipple. But besides that. How did you feel about Kramer's work?
ELAINEActually I thought he was very professional.
GEORGESo it was a good experience.
ELAINEOh yeah. In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID.
GEORGENice.
ELAINEYeah it is nice actually.
ELAINEI need to see Dr. Burke right away. This rash is spreading.
ATTENDANTHe can't see you Miss Benes, he's busy.
ELAINEOh come on. Have some compassion. Okay well I hope it's contagious
ELAINECome on. Move. (elevator doors reopen; Dr. Burke and two orderlies are revealed) Oh hi Dr. Burke. I didn't know if uh....
DR. BURKEThe chart Miss Benes.
ELAINEOh please no more.
JERRYHey
GEORGEWhere's Kramer?
JERRYHe went to get some steak sauce. Why?
GEORGEPersonal matter.
JERRYHello
UNCLE LEOJerry! It's your Uncle Leo! Hello!
JERRYHello Leo. You don't have to yell.
UNCLE LEOI got your package.
JERRYHow did you get my package?
UNCLE LEOWhat should I do with it?
JERRYI don't know what you should do with it.
GEORGETell him to open it.
JERRYI am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.
UNCLE LEOJerry, Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of "The Mikado". I want you to go see it with me.
JERRYOpen the package Leo.
UNCLE LEOOkay. Opening.
JERRYOpening.
(Through the phoneBOOM!!!)
ELAINESo it wasn't a bomb.
JERRYNo, No bomb.
ELAINEWell then what?
JERRYOh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up.
ELAINEBut he's okay?
JERRYYeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows, mustache everything. He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal.
ELAINEYeah I am still holding.
JERRYIs this my stereo?
KRAMERHey you got it.
JERRYWhat happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
KRAMERThat's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
JERRYBut you were supposed to get me a refund.
KRAMERYou can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
JERRYSo were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
KRAMERIt's just a write off for them.
JERRYHow is it a write off?
KRAMERThey just write it off.
JERRYWrite it off what?
KRAMERJerry all these big companies they write off everything
JERRYYou don't even know what a write off is.
KRAMERDo you?
JERRYNo. I don't.
KRAMERBut they do and they are the ones writing it off.
JERRYI wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.
ELAINEWhat?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month!?! Oh come on. I am dying here man. Hello, hello.
JERRYStill no luck
ELAINEJerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet.
JERRYThere's no Zorn or Zoutraph.
ELAINEThere on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am .
JERRYHey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow .
ELAINEDr. Resnick. He's not listed.
JERRYHe's not that good.
GEORGEElaine said your pretty good at this stuff.
KRAMEROh yeah. Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her.
GEORGEYou don't have your own camera.
KRAMERUh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing.
GEORGEI feel fat.
KRAMERNo, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat. You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.
GEORGEWell do you want me to take it off?
KRAMERI don't know it's up to you.
GEORGEDo you think it would be better if I did?
KRAMERIt might be. I mean whatever you want.
GEORGEALL RIGHT!!
KRAMERThat's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on,work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man.
KRAMERYou are a lover boy!!
JERRYOh yeah. This can't miss.
ELAINEHello.
GUYIs this Elaine Marie Benes?
ELAINEYes. Who it this?
GUYWe are with the American Medical Association. Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name? Is it B-e-n-e-s.
ELAINEYeah. What is this all about
GUYGood bye.
ELAINEHello, hello.
GUYWhat?
ELAINEOh uh uh...
GUYGet off the line. Were trying to make another call.
UNCLE LEOElaine. Hello. What are you doing here?
ELAINELeo. Has the doctor been in yet?
UNCLE LEONo. I am going to ask him about my eyebrows.
ELAINEOkay listen Leo. Your hairless, your scared. When the doctor comes in let me do the talking. Okay.
DR. RESNICKLeo. I heard you had a little mishap.
UNCLE LEOIt was a fireball.
ELAINEI should have never left him alone.
DR. RESNICKAnd who are you?
ELAINEI am his nurse... Poloma.
UNCLE LEOYou're not my nurse.
ELAINEHe has good days and bad.
DR. RESNICKWhat seems to be the problem?
UNCLE LEOAre my eyebrows going to grow back?
ELAINEAnd he's has a bit of a rash.
DR. RESNICKReally.
ELAINEYeah.
DR. RESNICKWell there's been a bit of that going around lately. Will you excuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment.
ELAINEI don't like this, it is to easy.
UNCLE LEOElaine...
ELAINEShut up! I think he's on to us.
UNCLE LEOElaine what about my eyebrows?
ELAINEShhhhhh. Here.
JERRYI don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer?
ATTENDANTI am sorry. It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation.
JERRYInvestigation?
NEWMANHello Jerry.
JERRYHello Newman.
NEWMANKramer you might as well run along. Jerry might be a while. Suspicion of mail fraud.
KRAMERMail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble buddy.
DR. RESNICKI got your ointment. Where's your nurse?
UNCLE LEOShe left.
DR. RESNICKNo need to get angry. Calm down.
UNCLE LEOI am calm.
DR. RESNICKLeo I don't care for your demeanor.
UNCLE LEODemeanor?
DR. RESNICKNow your just being difficult.
UNCLE LEOWhat are you writing?
GEORGESo I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday.
SHEILAI am glad George.
GEORGEAnd here's a roll that I think you may enjoy.
SHEILAGreat.
GEORGEShall we say an hour.
SHEILAHey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you do a roll?
RONNo problem.
SHEILABy the way. You know that model that is always in here. She's missing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it?
RONNo.
NEWMANAll right. Then let me ask you this. Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
JERRYDefine rarely.
NEWMANFrequently.
JERRYAre we about throw here Newman?
NEWMANIt's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot .
JERRYActually I am quite comfortable.
NEWMANCan I have a sip?
JERRYNo.
NEWMANNot going to play ball. Huh all right. Admit it that stereo was all ready busted.
JERRYYou can't prove anything.
NEWMANIs this or is this not your signature?
JERRYNo in a matter of fact it isn't.
NEWMANUncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence. Jerry.
ELAINEGet in there. Get chart. Get out. You got it.
KRAMERYeah let me borrow your scarf.
ELAINEThis.
KRAMERYeah. All right one chart coming up.
ELAINEOkay.
KRAMERBennette right?
ELAINEBenes. My last name is Benes you jackass. Yeah.
NEWMANJerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
KRAMERI like what you've done with that.
ATTENDANTMay I help you?
KRAMERYes, yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's uh very bad very messy.
ATTENDANTI see and what clinic is that again?
KRAMERThat's correct.
ATTENDANTExcuse me.
KRAMERFrom The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium.
ATTENDANTReally?
KRAMERThe Netherlands?
ELAINEWhere's my chart? Did you get it?
KRAMERNo.
ELAINEWhat? What happened?
KRAMERI don't know. But now they got a chart on me.
SHEILAI don't know where they could be.
GEORGECan't find them. That's marvelous. The dance continues.
SHEILAWell if I find them I'll call you.
GEORGEAnd maybe we could go out and do something.
SHEILASure.
RONHello.
GEORGEHi.
SHEILASo the little guy finally asked me out.
RONReally?
SHEILAHey I can't find his photo's anywhere.
RONOh you know what happened. Some guy from the Post Office confiscated them. He left his card.
SHEILANewman?
GEORGEI don't know what Newman wanted to see me for.
NEWMANGentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.
JERRYI'm clean and you know it.
NEWMANClean? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance.
JERRYWhere did you get that?
GEORGEI think that's one of mine.
NEWMANIt looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clad.
JERRYI don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation.
NEWMANYes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh. How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile.....
GUYNEWMAN!!
NEWMANThere will be a small fine.
JERRYOkay.
GEORGECan we go now?
NEWMANNot so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair.
JERRYOh my god!!
NEWMANThis photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.As does this one found in the same disturbing packet.
GEORGEOH MY GOD!!!
NEWMANWe have some questions we'd like you to answer.
JERRYI have some questions of my own.
SHEILAHi. One of your mailmen....... Oh my god, George!?!
GEORGEListen Sheila it's not what you think. I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful.
JERRYThe timeless art of seduction.
GEORGESHEILA!!!