Jerry's Standup
JERRYI'm looking for a crested blazer
CRAIGA crested blazer..
JERRYI've worn one once and I really think it did something for me.
CRAIG(turning around) Yes .I Think we may have something. (picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest.... That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world famous Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn.
JERRY(softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers.
CRAIGIt looks fabulous on you... shall I wrap it up?
JERRYYou know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you what. I'll come back later with someone and see what they think.
CRAIG(doubtful) A Hum!
JERRYReally I'll be back.
CRAIGYeah!
JERRYSo I didn't like the crest all that much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes with me so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone else thought.... And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me.
ELAINEAh! So he knew that you were making it up.!
JERRYYeah..... He caught me So here's what I want you to do. Come back with me to the store and we'll pretend to look at the coat.
ELAINEThat's ridiculous. Why do do you want to go back there if you don't want the coat?
JERRYBecause he thinks I was lying and I want to show him I wasn't.
ELAINEBut you were!!
JERRYBut if you go back with me , then I'm not.
GEORGE(still on the phone) All right fine.... Whatever
JERRY(to George) Problems with the house guest?
ELAINEWhat house guest?
GEORGEThis friend of Susan's is staying with us for two weeks...Now am I wrong or is that excessive?
KRAMERWell Bob Sacamano he stayed with me once for a year and a half.
ELAINEWho is he?
GEORGEHe's a wig master
ELAINEWhat is a wig master?
GEORGEHe's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's the guy in charge of the wigs.
JERRYBoy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice.
KRAMERAbout some tickets George , you know I'd kill for a peek..
GEORGE(leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got to drop my car off at the new lot.
KRAMEREuh what...What lot is that?
GEORGEJiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five dollars a month.
KRAMERSeventy -five bucks a month!
GEORGEYeah and you get this really cool T-shirt when you sign on..
KRAMEROh I'm down.
JERRY(proud of himself) Remember me? I said I 'd come back with someone and I did. Surprised?.
CRAIGNo I believed you.
JERRYYeah.... well Elaine.
ELAINE(looking up to the salesman)
CRAIGOh!... hello I'm Craig.
ELAINE.....Hi.
CRAIGwell (picks up the blazer again) here it is.
ELAINEOh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at this hand ticking around the crest.
CRAIGYou know your coats?
ELAINEWell I'm in the biz .. I work for J. Peterman.
CRAIGI love J. Peterman.
ELAINE(giggling) Ohhh!!.
CRAIGI especially enjoy the catalogue, those fanciful narratives really take me away..
ELAINEOhhh!! really ..well you know what, I write those.
CRAIGNo!!!
ELAINEYeeeahh!!!
JERRY(impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine What about the crest.? What d'you think of the crest here.
JERRYYou what??
ELAINEI think it's great. I think you should get it.
CRAIGWell .... Will it be check or credit card?
JERRY(giving up) Check.
CRAIGI'll need you to write down your phone number on the check for me. (turning to Elaine) Perhaps you could do the same.
ELAINE(laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl)
JERRYYou weren't supposed to say that.
ELAINEBut I really did like it
JERRYThat's not the point. You put me in a position where I had no choice.
ELAINEuhn... Sorry!
JERRYAnd what about that guy asking you out right in front of me?
ELAINEWhat is the big deal!!
JERRY...'s very emasculating, he doesn't know the nature of our relationship. You're there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How dare he!!
ELAINEHe dared....
ETHAN(sitting in the couch and combing his wigs)Hi George.. How was your day?
GEORGEGood....good day (not too convincing) You?
ETHANI am getting so much work done..... See?
GEORGEVery nice
SUSAN(walks in) Hi sweety How was your day?
ETHANI already ask him that. He said Good...Good day....
KRAMER(frantically pulling at his doorknob) Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out. I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment keys off the ring. So you got my spare?
JERRYNo I gave it back to you
KRAMERy'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum..... Can you take me over there?
JERRYOh Come on!!
KRAMEROh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over to twelfth avenue..
JERRYI didn,t tell you to park in that lot .. Now someone's gonna have to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus!
KRAMERI'm not going to take the bus that's why I got a car!
JERRYForget it.
KRAMERAwright I'm gonna get George to pick me up.
JERRYHe wont take ya..
GEORGE(grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got it,...Hello?
KRAMERListen, Can you take me over to the Jiffy Park?
GEORGEYeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All right All right....Hey! gotta go.
GEORGESo the Wig master.......the Wig master said you could stop by the theater tonight.. and he'll show you around.
GEORGEWOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!!
KRAMERI like 'em all(still fiddles with the radio)
GEORGEAw great. Now the volume knob fell off
KRAMER(seems to pickup something on the floor) ....'s'this?
KRAMERGawd!!!
GEORGEWhat?
KRAMERThat's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!!
ELAINEHow do you like working there at the .... hum...Andover shop? I mean it's a pretty swanky upscale clientele.
CRAIGHmmm
ELAINEexcept for Jerry!(laughs)
CRAIGSo did you see anything you'd like....
ELAINEOh!!!
CRAIGCause I can get you a considerable discount.
ELAINEReally!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing little black dress...it was sleeveless....
CRAIGThe Nicole Miller
ELAINEYeah..Yeah...
CRAIGI'll take care of it.
ELAINEReally....but I barely know you.
CRAIGWell...hum.....we'll just have to do something about that. Won't we.
ELAINEAh! Ah!ah!
JERRYHey! Greg
CRAIGIt's Craig
JERRYAh! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?
CRAIGYes lovely.
JERRYYou know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my girlfriend?
CRAIGWell I could just sense it
JERRYBecause you know we used to go out.
CRAIGOh ! you did
JERRYOh Yeah we went way out and wild.
ELAINEHey Jerr...
JERRYHi Elaine.
LADYWould you like to buy a rose for your wife? ( to Craig)
JERRYHow do you know she's not my wife?
GEORGEI want to know how did that get into my car?
ATTENDANTHey look ..You walk in to this city you got to expect things are gonna stick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom.
GEORGEThat doesn't explain the lipstick on the dashboard?
ATTENDANTHere take a few shirts....
ATTENDANTI'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we can't get your car now, the keys seems to have been misplaced.
KRAMERWait a minute I need those keys. I wont be able to get into my apartment.
ATTENDANTAaye Mr Kramer....You like Cadillacs?
KRAMER...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously) Why ? What you got on your mind?
ATTENDANTTake that pink Eldorado Cadillac over there , it's a Mary Kay car....
KRAMERMary Kay uh?
ATTENDANTMary Kay car..
KRAMER(to George) Well listen See you later ..thanks for driving me by..
HOOKERHey!! Whats happening?
GEORGEWe're gonna hang around here a little while....something funny going on here
ELAINEYou were wrong about Craig . He's a very sweet guy.
JERRYWell, what about the ponytail?
ELAINEwhat about it?
JERRYC'mon Ponytail ...Get real.
ELAINEAll I know he's promised me a discount on that dress.
JERRYOf course he did ..The guy's working ya.
ELAINEAh! Jerry I've been around long enough to know when I'm being worked.
JERRYHave you slept with him yet?
ELAINEI just met him this morning.
JERRYIt's been known to happen....... telling you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
ELAINE. Well this is all very flattering...
JERRY(interrupts)like a shark fisherman with a bucket of (?) Ch....
ELAINEOk....
JERRY(continues)Like a shrimp farmer....
ELAINEOKAY!!!
ETHANWell that's the grand tour ... Aw but I save the best for last...
KRAMEROh yeah!!
ETHANBehold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat.
KRAMEROooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular.
GEORGES'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
HOOKERAre you a cop??
GEORGEOh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum... I work for the Yankees.
HOOKERUrghh They stink.
GEORGENevertheless.. I was wondering if you and your .friends are doing business here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people call it? Turning tricks? Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying it's yours but.... I want to know if I should just change parking lots.
HOOKERGet lost mister, I'm trying to make a living here.
GEORGEI'll pay you for your time....I just ..I just need some information . How much do you want? ten....fifteen? You have change for twenty?
HOOKERFifteen?
SUSAN(walks in) George?
GEORGEHi honey..
SUSAN..So you're telling me the truth?
GEORGEOf Course I'm telling the truth.
SUSANBecause I have to be able to trust you... If I can't trust you then there's no way that this can work.
GEORGEReally!
SUSANYeah.
GEORGEWell then...then you really have something to think about because.....you know if there's any doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to be a big doubt, you know even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and.....
SUSANThere's no doubt.
GEORGEBecause if there's any doubt at all I...I feel we should cultivate it.
SUSANCultivate it?
GEORGEYes, you know. Deal with it .We have to deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!! Must be dealt with.
SUSANI have no doubt George. Do you?
GEORGE(hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo...
ELAINEYou know... I can't wait to get that dress..
CRAIGYeah... It should arrive eminently.
ELAINEArrive?
CRAIGYes! From Milan.
ELAINEBut you said it was in the store!.
CRAIGNo no no We sold out we had to order some more.
ELAINEBut I thought .. Nicole Miller was made.......
CRAIG(Interrupts) Eeen!!!
IANHey Craig.
CRAIGElaine this is Een.
ELAINEHi E-an
IANEen..
ELAINEE-an
CRAIGEen... He's a friend a mine from England
IAN(word missing) What are doing?
CRAIGI'm working at the Andover shop actually....You should come by. I'll get you a great discount.
IANMaybe I will. Nice meeting you.
ELAINEOh..Nice to meet you.
CRAIGBye
IAN..Cheery-o
ELAINEBye Eeeen.
ELAINESo you're giving him a discount too?
CRAIGHummm Why so surprised?
ELAINEHem!! No reason.
JERRYYou know that clothing salesman had a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right in front of me. He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the crest that nobody seems to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket back.. I'm putting this guy ....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION....
KRAMERHeeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in
JERRYTurn in?
KRAMERYeah,I had a tough day
JERRYIt's only nine o clock.
KRAMERWell ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. It's an argument you can't win.
JERRYI can't go to sleep at nine o clock!
KRAMERWell you can go to your room and read.
JERRYHey look ,you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.
KRAMERBut I'm tired..
JERRYOh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's.
KRAMERAah! He's got a girl up there. This quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna get cold. I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna sleep....
JERRYWell that's all I got.
KRAMERCan I sleep with you?
JERRYHuh?
KRAMERWell you got that big comfortable bed and that nice warm quilt.
JERRYKramer , there's no way you're sleeping with me.
KRAMERWhy?
JERRYWhy?
KRAMERYeah!
JERRYDo I really have to explain why?
KRAMERWell I......( Elaine pops in at that moment)
ELAINEHi!.
KRAMERHi...........What's that?
ELAINESquire's walking stick. I had to write about it for the catalogue.
KRAMERWow.
ELAINEYou want it?
KRAMERYeaaahmm....
ELAINEYou can have ,I don't need it anymore.
KRAMEROoh Mama...( walks away)
ELAINEOk so ..I am positive you are wrong about Craig.
JERRYYeah Why?
ELAINEBecause he told a man he'd give him a discount too... a man Jerry.
JERRYSo ,Who is he?
ELAINESome friend of his from England.
JERRYDon't you see?...........It's all a big scam.
ELAINEYou're nuts!
KRAMERHow do you know he's not wondering the same thing about you?
ELAINEWhat d'you mean?
KRAMERWhat do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings.... And then when you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.
ELAINEAawwh Please.....
KRAMERNow see the two of you need to work on trust... and then and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and now if you would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed.
KRAMER(softly)hmmm....patio furniture's on sale.
GEORGEExcuse me...huh... I think I made a big mistake. I'd like my deposit back please.
ATTENDANTWhats the problem
GEORGEYou got hookers turning tricks in my car. How's that for starters.
ATTENDANTHaaan! That is all hearsay.
GEORGEAllright, very good I'd like my car and my deposit back please
ATTENDANTCan't do it'
GEORGEWhadday'mean.?
ATTENDANTIf you read the agreement you signed the deposit is not refundable.
GEORGEWell does it say anywhere in the contract about my car being used as a whorehouse? 'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either..
ATTENDANTWhat can I tell you buddy. Take it up with Consumer Affairs.
GEORGE. All right , just give me my car and let me get the hell out of here.
ATTENDANTWell that's going to be a problem
GEORGEWhy?
ATTENDANTIt's all the way in the back. Can't get it out for a couple of days.
GEORGEWhat are you talking about.. I WANT MY CAR!!
ATTENDANTWe ask that you please bear with us.
GEORGEBear with you! This is a parking lot PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET
ATTENDANTIdeally..
JERRYExcuse me I'd like to return this jacket.
TELLERCertainly. May I ask why?
JERRY........For spite...
TELLERSpite?
JERRYThat's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold it to me.
TELLERI don't think you can return an item for spite.
JERRYWhat do you mean?
TELLERWell if there was some problem with the garment. If it were unsatisfactory in some way, then we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any of our conditions for a refund
JERRYThat's ridiculous, I want to return it. What's the difference what the reason is.
TELLERLet me speak with the manager...excuse me .............Bob!
TELLER........spite.....(Manager walks over)
BOBWhat seems to be the problem?
JERRYWell I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she won't take it back.
BOBThat's true. You can't return an item based purely on spite.
JERRY. Well So fine then ..then I don't want it and then that's why I'm returning it
BOBWell you already said spite so......
JERRYBut I changed my mind..
BOBNo...you said spite...Too late.
KRAMERIt's Halloween (not sure)
CHARMAINEGet a calendar honey! It's the 90's
KRAMERHey! Elaine..
JERRYOH! Hey!!
KRAMERThese are my friends Jerry and Elaine.
JERRY & ELAINEHi! How 'r u doing?
CHARMAINEHi I'm Charmaine
ETHANI'm Ethan
KRAMERYes, she's the costume designer and he's the wig master for the show.
JERRYHey You're staying with my friend George.
ETHANRight George! I get the feeling he doesn't want me there.
JERRYWell he doesn't even want himself there.
CHARMAINEWhy don't you sit down and join us?
JERRYAll right. (sits down)
ELAINEI can't I 've got to meet a friend.
KRAMERWell what are we ...dog meat.
ETHAN(to waiter) ....Champagne Coolies , please.
ETHAN(to Elaine) You've got really beautiful hair.
ELAINEOh Thanks, thank you very much.
ETHANHave you ever thought about selling it .It would make a brilliant wig..
JERRYThey make wigs out of human hairs?
ETHAN..And pay plenty for them.
ELAINEWell you guys are gonna have fun here so..bye take care
KRAMERYeah. See ou later..
ALLBye, now...
CHARMAINEOh! I just remembered I 've got to get the Dreamcoat from the dry cleaners
KRAMERHey! You gonna let me try the other one right?'
CHARMAINEYeah. But you gonna have to be really careful with it , it's my only backup.
KRAMERHey! Who do you think you're talking to.
CHARMAINEOk. Buh- bye!
KRAMERBye!!
JERRYBye!
ETHANThere's your Champagne Coolie. Well looks like it's just you and me cowboy!.
JERRY...Guess so.
ELAINEWell, Here we are.
CRAIGI....am..beat.(sits on the couch)
ELAINE(sighs)
CRAIGOhh! that's nice.
ELAINESo.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas when the Nicole Millers are coming in?
CRAIGOh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm.. Well the funniest thing.
ELAINEHuh!
CRAIGI've learned that the new shipment's coming in by boat... which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what with the waves and all .. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient .
ELAINEHummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll arrive.
CRAIG(yawns) ...Nno....I really don't......
ETHANHow can she go with a guy like that , he's a mess... I just don't see them together at all
JESSIEEthan?
ETHANYes..
JESSIE. Hi it's me Jessie....George Hamilton's personal assistant.
ETHAN. Right, Right.
ETHANHow you doin'?
JESSIEnice to see you..
ETHANThis is Jerry.
JERRYHello..
JESSIEyeah , hummm ( turns back to Ethan) Ethan ,what brings you in to town.
ETHANI'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
JESSIEYou're kidding... Listen maybe you and I should...ehmmm get together . Have you been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense.
JERRY(Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... Are you asking him out ?
JESSIEYeah...I guess you could say that..
JERRYRight in front of me!. How do you know we're not together. Two guys, sittin' laughin' drinking Champagne Coolies.
JESSIEI dunno I just didn't think you were.
JERRYWell we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that.
JESSIEI dont know. I just didn't.
JERRYWell it's very emasculating..
ELAINEHello.
BOB. Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop. I'm trying to reach Craig Stewart. He left this number.
ELAINEUhmmm huh! Is it important.?
BOBWell.....
ELAINELet me ask you something. ahemm..Do you know when the Nicole Millers are coming in from Milan?.
BOBNicole Millers, We're not expecting any Nicole Millers, in fact we have too many as it is.
ELAINEWell do you have any in a... size four.?
BOBYes several.. Just tell him he doesn't have to be in tomorrow before Eleven.
ELAINE(sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure he gets the message. (looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks) They make wigs out of human hair? (still thinking, Ethan's voice) And pay plenty for them.
KRAMER(looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh Sweet Maria. Hey! lets go.
KRAMERHey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey! Where you going.
HOOKERHey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts hitting Kramer)
KRAMERCool it lady ( they struggle and we here a siren)
POLICEPolicer officer. Freeze right there.
POLICEOK Big Daddy. Take the hat off...... awright turn to your right...(Kramer hesitates) I SAID TURN PIMP.
KRAMER(cries) I'M NOT A PIMP.!!!.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI really like the wig historically. I guess the revolutionary war, the last war fought in wig, and it seems that it must have been hard. You know they're going in to battle, they think.. well do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins.. and you got to make sure you have everything... lot more to worry about What if I get killed.? Is my wig on straight? I don't know when the whole wig thing came in to style for men... but I know when it went out.! When the mirror was invented. No guy is looking in the mirror powdering a patch of horsehair on his head going ..All right! lets go rap to the ladies..