ELAINEMr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals.
DOCTORI'll need a urine sample.
ELAINERight.
GEORGEYou know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.
ELAINEOh, Come on.
JERRYHey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday?
GEORGEHey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok?
JERRYYeah, sure. My parents will be there.
ELAINEThe Tonight Show?
JERRYYeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go?
ELAINEAre you doing new material?
JERRYNo.
ELAINEI don't think so.
KRAMERHey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have they changed your shower head?
JERRYNo, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know.
KRAMERLow flow? Well I don't like the sound of that.
ELAINESo what are your parents doing here in new York?
JERRYWell, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace.
ELAINESo what are their plans?
JERRYWell, this is the problem. They're moving into this new development. Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready to go back so they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.
ELAINEYou mean the three of them in that tiny apartment?
JERRYNo, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact, he moved in with her.
GEORGEUncle Leo's having regular sex?
JERRYYeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing.
JERRY(answering phone) Hello?
MORTYJerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday.
JERRYYou gotta be there at 430.
MORTYBut it comes on 1130.
JERRYYeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 1130.
MORTYHow long they been doing this?
JERRY30 years.
MORTYHelen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?
JERRYAll right, I'll see you later.
ELAINEGeorgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida?
GEORGEYeah, that is odd, isn't it?
JERRYYeah, it is.
GEORGEI mean, they're retired.
JERRYNo economic reason for them to be here.
GEORGEThey have no friends.
JERRYNo social reason for them to be here.
ELAINEYou're all grown up.
GEORGEYeah, they're all through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so I'll, uh, get back to you.
HELENWhere can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice.
JERRYI don't know, maybe get an ice tray?
HELENI can do that.
JERRYYou know Dad just called me.
HELENYeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting up.
JERRYYeah, all right, well I got some people here.
HELENOk.
JERRYAll right, bye. (to Elaine) You see this? Any thought pops into their head they're calling me because it's a local call now.
ELAINEAhh.
JERRYI'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus I got the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!
ELAINEThey have no idea when they're going back to Florida?
JERRYThe only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida.
ELAINEHow's that gonna happen?
UNCLE LEOIt's about time you called your uncle. We've got to do this once a week.
JERRY(to himself) Once a week? (to Uncle Leo) So how's Lydia?
UNCLE LEOAh, she's a real tiger.
JERRYI don't know how you do it.
UNCLE LEOWhat?
JERRYA man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's none of my business.
UNCLE LEOWhat are you talking about?
JERRYWell...
UNCLE LEOLook at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium.
JERRYHey, it happens.
UNCLE LEOI bet that cook is an anti-Semite.
JERRYHe has no idea who you are.
UNCLE LEOThey don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.
JERRYAll right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business.
UNCLE LEOBelieve me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect in every way, I can't see a flaw.
JERRYWell, keep looking.
PETERMANI'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.
ELAINEWhat? Why not?
PETERMANI'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.
ELAINEOpium?
PETERMANThat's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
ELAINEIhat's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.
PETERMANNot a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.
ELAINEObviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now, I'll take a pop urine test.
PETERMANAll right, Elaine.
ELAINEOh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks a glass of water) I'll be ready in three minutes.
GEORGEWhew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters, huh. Bitter cold, bitter.
FRANKI was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities.
ESTELLEWhat extremities?
GEORGEYou know what the temperature in Florida is today? Eh? Seventy-nine. That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy in Florida is eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.
ESTELLESo George, why are you here?
GEORGEWhat, I can't stop by and visit my parents? (Drops pamphlet on coffee table)
ESTELLEWhat's this.
GEORGEThat's where the Seinfeld's are moving. They got a great deal. Yep. You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games, you clean up.
ESTELLEI don't bet.
GEORGEWhat about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there.
ESTELLEI don't swim.
GEORGEYou could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.
ESTELLEAre you trying to get rid of us?
GEORGERid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. Care. I care about your comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.
ELAINENo?
KRAMERJerry? Jerry!
KRAMERWha, you too?
JERRYYeah!
KRAMERThese showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.
JERRYMe either.
KRAMERIf I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.
JERRYYou? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room.
KRAMER(leaving) Aw.
JERRYWhere are you going?
KRAMERI gotta find another shower.
KRAMERThey got you too?
NEWMANThis stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!
KRAMEROh, Elaine. Yeah.
ELAINEKramer, you look terrible.
KRAMERLook, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
ELAINEWhat's wrong with your shower?
KRAMERThere's no water pressure.
ELAINEWhy don't you just go see Jerry?
KRAMERJerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
PETERMAN(busting in) Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the collar) I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!
ELAINEMr Peterman! What are you doing?
PETERMANElaine, you're out of control. You need help.
ELAINEHuh?
PETERMANI know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took.
ELAINEMr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
PETERMANOh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have til' 500 to clear out your desk. You're fired.
HELENAll they serve is chicken?
JERRYThere's more food down the hall.
MORTYWrap it up, we'll take it home.
JERRYOh, hi.
ESTELLEHello Seinfelds.
MORTYHello.
HELENHi.
FRANKThis is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.
ESTELLEOh, Jerry. I don't know how you could do this. I'm so nervous for you.
JERRYActually, I'm drunk.
GEORGEHey, hey, how was Florida?
MORTYWell, we just bought a new place down there.
ESTELLEI know, we were looking at the brochure.
MORTYWhat?
HELENWhy, you thinking of moving?
FRANKNot really.
MORTYBecause if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available in that development.
FRANKAre you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista?
MORTYThat's right. They went like hotcakes.
FRANKHow'd you get yours?
MORTYGot lucky.
FRANKAre you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!
JERRYI know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little personal space.
ELAINEHow could I have tested positive twice? Once I could understand, that's a mistake. But twice?
WAITRESSYeah, it's hard to figure.
ELAINEI mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the bush-men of the Kalahari.
WAITRESSAh, the bush-men?
ELAINEAnd the bush-women.
MAN(also seated at the counter) Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. I notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.
ELAINEYeah, I eat these muffins all the time.
MANWell, you know what opium is made from...
ELAINE(as though receiving a revelation) Poppies!
JAY LENOWelcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?
JERRYYeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.
JERRYHey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her* of being an anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into his apartment. You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida... What? What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
JERRYHey Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida, isn't that great?
KRAMER(halfheartedly) Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.
JERRYHey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?
KRAMERI just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?
JERRYNo good?
KRAMERIt's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
JERRYWell, you used to sit in that hot tub?
KRAMERJerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in that.
JERRY(offering a plate) Chicken?
KRAMEROh, yeah.
ELAINEWell, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I was testing positive for opium. Poppy seeds!
JERRYPoppy seeds!
KRAMERWell, that makes sense. (Offers plate to Elaine) Want some chicken?
ELAINEYeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.
JERRYHello Newman.
NEWMANHello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little problem. Elaine, would you excuse us?
ELAINEOh c'mon, Newman.
NEWMANI have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. (Opens door) If you don't mind?
ELAINEJerry?
NEWMANLook, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
JERRYNot from the footage I've seen.
NEWMANNevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market Diner, an unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. Are you in?
KRAMERI'm down.
NEWMANJerry?
ESTELLESo, Georgie, we have some big news for you.
GEORGEBig news?
ESTELLEWe're moving to Florida.
GEORGE(ecstatic) What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's wonderful! I'm so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for?
FRANKHas nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds.
GEORGEWhat do you mean?
FRANKThey don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del Boca Vista!
GEORGESo you're moving there for spite!
FRANKAbsolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do!
GEORGEThat's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!
ESTELLESo, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit us?
GEORGEOh, every chance I get.
ESTELLE(warmly) Ohhh.
GEORGEJerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!
JERRYWhat's going on?
GEORGEMy parents are moving to Florida!
JERRYAre you kidding?
GEORGECan you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm free!!
JERRYWhere are they moving to?
GEORGEDel Boca Vista!
JERRYDel Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live!
GEORGEI know!
JERRYWe could visit together!
GEORGEEvery five years!
JERRYThat's incredible!
GEORGEI know, I know and you know *why* they're moving there?
JERRYWhy?
GEORGETo spite your parents!
JERRYTo spite my parents?
GEORGEYeah!
JERRYYour parents are crazy!
GEORGEI know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic!
JERRYMy parents are moving back too!
GEORGEBeautiful!
MORTYI'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm not ready to go back to Florida.
HELENHe was getting along so well with that woman, what happened?
MORTYHello?
VOICEThis is Frank Costanza.
MORTYWhat do you want?
FRANKYou think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out!
MORTYI'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.
GEORGEI can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.
JERRYYou have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self confidence than you ever dreamed of.
JERRYHello.
MORTYHello, Jerry? It's your father.
JERRYOh, hi dad.
MORTYListen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle.
MORTYWhat was that?
JERRYNothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here?
MORTYBecause the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista.
JERRYBut it's a big complex.
MORTYYou don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone.
JERRYAll right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone)
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYThey're not going back to Florida. They're moving here.
GEORGEWhat? Why?
JERRYBecause your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.
GEORGEHey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn to live, baby.
JERRYYou know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake.
UNCLE LEOMove back with Lydia?
JERRYC'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.
UNCLE LEOLast week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.
JERRYSwinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
UNCLE LEOBut she's an anti-Semite.
JERRYCan you blame her?
HELENYou don't think he minds us staying here, do you?
MORTYWhy would he mind? We're his parents.
ELAINEOh.
HELENHi Elaine.
ELAINEHello. Jerry's not here?
HELENNo.
ELAINEHuh. (pause) Oh my god.
HELENWhat?
ELAINEA poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour.
HELENWhy?
ELAINEIt's a long story.
HELENJust a second, I have to go to the bathroom.
ELAINEWhat are you gonna do in there?
HELENWhat am I gonna do in the bathroom?
ELAINEYou gotta do me a favor.
HELENElaine, I really--
ELAINEHold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.
HELENYou want my urine?
ELAINEI need a clean urine sample from a woman.
HELENI don't know.
ELAINEOh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?
HELENWell, what am I gonna do it in?
ELAINEWell, one of those glasses.
HELENJerry's glasses?
ELAINEYeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom.
HELENOh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup?
ELAINEYeah, a coffee cup's fine.
HELENOr maybe a juice glass.
ELAINEYes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.
HELENThis one is kind of scratched.
ELAINEIt doesn't matter.
HELENHowbout A milk glass.
ELAINEA milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass.
HELENJerry doesn't wash these very well.
ELAINEMrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!
SALESMANAll right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series, Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.
JERRYWhat do you recommend?
SALESMANWhat are you looking for?
KRAMERPower, man. Power.
NEWMANLike Silkwood.
KRAMERThat's for radiation.
NEWMANThat's right.
KRAMER(pointing to the largest one) Now, what is this?
SALESMANThat's the Commando 450, I don't sell that one. What about thi-
KRAMERWell that's what we want, the Commando 450.
SALESMANNah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For elephants.
NEWMANWe'll pay anything. We've got the (hands a wad of money to Kramer) What about Jerry?
KRAMERHe couldn't handle that, he's delicate.
HELENIt's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's place was too small.
MORTYFirst Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on?
MORTYWho is it?
SUPERIt's the super. We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the bathrooms.
MORTYLow flow? I don't like the sound of that.
PETERMANSo as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.
ELAINEOh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?
PETERMANI'm afraid I can't take you.
ELAINEWhat? Why not?
PETERMANElaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. you have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.
ELAINEBut I wanted to see the bushmen.
PETERMANOh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.
JERRYWell, it's been a great visit.
MORTYJerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower.
JERRYWell, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided not to move. They couldn't bear being away from George.
HELENGeorge must be happy about that.
JERRYYou have no idea.
FRANKTake my swim trunks. I won't need them.
ESTELLEWhat does he want with your swim trunks?
FRANKWhy should they go to waste?!?