KRAMERHey! You're back!
JERRYOh, I'm back, baby.
KRAMERYeah, how was it?
JERRYGreat. One of the best jobs I ever had.
KRAMERGood for you.
JERRYI killed.
KRAMERYou killed.
JERRY(taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging up jacket) not only that, the money was unbelievable.
KRAMERUnbelievable.
JERRYYeah. Highest paying job I ever had.
KRAMERHow much?
JERRY(reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather...
KRAMERAw, c'mon.
JERRYNah. It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect the friendship.
KRAMERI tell you how much I make.
JERRYAnd I'm always impressed.
KRAMERJust show me the cheque, c'mon.
JERRYAwright, fine. You wanna see it?
KRAMERI wanna see it.
JERRYOkay.
JERRYHere, check that out.
KRAMER(stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.
JERRYI told you.
KRAMERMy god, you're rich.
JERRY(taking back the check) Oh yeah.
KRAMERI didn't know you made that kinda money. (subdued) Jeez.
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERI don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior.
JERRYI never shoulda told you.
KRAMERYou know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship. I mean, I feel it. Do you feel it?
JERRYNo, I can't feel anything.
KRAMERWell, what're you gonna do with all that money?
JERRYActually, I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to charity.
KRAMER(pleased) Really?
JERRY(deadpan) No.
KRAMERWell, you should, Jerry.
JERRYNo, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of buying my father a new car.
KRAMERNow, you see, that's nice.
JERRYMaybe a Cadillac.
KRAMER(smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.
JERRYYeah. (thinking) That would really blow his mind. He's always wanted one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) I'm gonna do it.
KRAMERYou're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this one.
JERRYOh, isn't that what it's all about?
ELAINEWho was Pippi Longstocking?
KATYPippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm, I don't don't know.
ELAINEDid she have anything to do with Hitler?
KATYHitler? (thinks) Maybe.
GEORGEHey.
ELAINEHey George.
GEORGEHave you seen Jerry? (sitting beside Elaine) I told him two o'clock.
ELAINE(indicating) You remember Katy?
GEORGE(distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy) Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy.
KATYAlso ear, nose and throat.
GEORGENose. (chuckles) What's the worst that can happen to a nose? What does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles)
KATY(amused) He's funny.
ELAINEAh, you don't have to tell me.
GEORGEAhh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles)
ELAINEOh, you know what? He got engaged.
KATYOh, you did? (disappointed) Oh.
GEORGEWhat? Is that bad?
KATYI actually would've set you up with a friend of mine.
GEORGEOh-ho, yeah?
KATYYou'd be perfect for her. She loves quirky, funny guys.
GEORGE(curious) Bald? Uh?
KATYLoves bald.
GEORGELoves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who is she?
KATYMarisa Tomei.
GEORGE(taken aback) The actress?
KATYYeah.
GEORGEYou're friends with Marisa Tomei?
KATYThat's right.
GEORGE(getting excited) That's, that's incredible. My Cousin Vinnie, I love her, she was fantastic!
KATYYeah, I know.
GEORGE(more excitement) You were gonna fix me up with her?
KATYYeah, she's just been sitting home.
GEORGE(fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!
ELAINE(deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.
JERRYI want this baby fully loaded. (listens) Well, how soon can you get it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, bye.
JERRYHey, guess what. I just bought my father a Cadillac
GEORGEReally? Wow, you're quite the good son.
JERRYYeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying down there and surprising him.
GEORGEYou gonna sleep on the fold-out?
JERRY(joyless) Yeah, yes.
GEORGEUh, let me ask you something. You uh, you ever hear of Marisa Tomei?
JERRYThe actress?
GEORGEYeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't she?
JERRYOh yeah.
GEORGEWell, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?
JERRYYeah?
GEORGEShe happens to be very good friends with her.
JERRYMarisa Tomei?
GEORGEUh-hmm.
JERRYHow does she know Marisa Tomei?
GEORGEI don't know, I didn't ask.
JERRYYou didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei?
GEORGENot the point!
JERRYAlright.
GEORGECan I finish?
JERRYGo ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, is all I'm saying. I would've asked her.
GEORGEAlright! So, she said, that she could've fixed me up with her.
JERRYWhat d'you mean, could've?
GEORGEWell, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.
JERRYOhh!
GEORGECoulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her type!
JERRYReally?
GEORGE(getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.
JERRYYou know, she won an academy award?
GEORGE(sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? (excitement) My Cousin Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? Same thing!
JERRYNow there's a match. You and Katherine Hepburn.
GEORGEI mean, you've seen her, right?
JERRYKatherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.
GEORGE(shout) Marisa Tomei!
JERRYYeah, yeah, yeah.
GEORGEI mean, she's beautiful, right? She's just my type. The dark hair, the full lips.
JERRYYou like full lips.
GEORGEOh, I love full lips. Something you can really put the lipstick on.
JERRYMmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.
GEORGE(downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.
JERRY(about the pie) This is no good.
JERRYHi.
NICKHi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting about uh, heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is?
JERRYNo.
NICKIf you see him, Could you just tell him the cable company was here?
JERRYSure.
NICKThanks.
JERRY(about the cable guy) Nice people.
GEORGEListen, lemme ask you a question. What if I got a cup of coffee with her?
JERRYWell, what about Susan?
GEORGE(worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?! I'm not allowed to have coffee?!
JERRYWould you tell Susan about it?
GEORGE(frustrated) Not necessarily.
JERRYWell, if you can't tell Susan about it, then there's something wrong.
GEORGE(shouts) Of course there's something wrong! (points at Jerry) We had a pact!
JERRYHey, cable guy's looking for you.
KRAMEROh, yeah?
JERRYYeah.
KRAMEROh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they just found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.
JERRYWell, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put out.
KRAMEROh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting.
JERRYYou don't seem too bothered by it.
KRAMERYou remember what they did to me ten years ago? "Oh, we'll be there in the morning between nine and one", or "We'll be there between two and six"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without so much as a phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my nice clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?
JERRYBoy, I've never seen you like this.
KRAMEROh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.
MARISA...positrack, which was not available on the sixty-four Buick Skylark.
SUSANHey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you watching? What is that? My Cousin Vinnie?
GEORGEYeah.
SUSANI thought you saw that before. How come you're watching that again?
GEORGEI..I..I dunno.
SUSANDid you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for that? Boy, she's beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that.
SUSANTurn it off. You're making me jealous. I'm gonna think you like her more than you like me.
GEORGE(forcing a laugh) Hu, ha.
ELAINE (O.C.)Hello.
GEORGE(whispering) Elaine, it's me, George.
ELAINEGeorge. How come you're whispering?
GEORGE(still quiet) Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
ELAINENo.
GEORGE(still quiet) Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know...
ELAINEEch, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.
GEORGE(still quiet) The actress.
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGE(shouts) Marisa Tomei!
SUSAN (O.C.)What?
GEORGE(calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing. Nothing.
ELAINEOh, yeah. Yeah, what about her?
GEORGEWell, uhm, I think I'd like to do it.
ELAINEWhat? (shocked) What?! George, no way. You're engaged!
GEORGEA cup of coffee. That, that doesn't mean anything.
ELAINEUhh. No George!
GEORGEElaine.
ELAINEForget it!
GEORGEElaine! (shouts) ELAINE!!
GEORGED'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this guy!
ELAINEI can't believe you're buying your father a car.
JERRYAnd, best of all, it's a Cadillac.
ELAINE(sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac! (impressed) Wow.
ELAINEI had no idea you had this kind of money.
JERRYAhh, I uh, I don't like to talk about it.
ELAINEYeah, I thought you were doing okay. I just didn't think you were in this kind of, you know, uh... position.
JERRYAh, it's just money.
ELAINE(smiling) So, when're you getting back from Florida?
JERRYOh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?
ELAINEI don't know. (big smile) Just, things seem a little more exciting when you're around. That's all.
JERRYAre you okay?
ELAINE(squeaky) Sure, sure.
JERRYWhat was that?
KRAMERQuiet, quiet.
NICKHey, uh, you know the guy who lives here?
GEORGEYeah.
NICK(quietly angry) All morning I been waiting here. All morning.
NICK(still angry) The guy says he's gonna be home. I show up and all I do is wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna put up with it much longer.
KRAMERI'm loving this.
GEORGEKramer, there's a guy out here that...
KRAMERYeah, yeah. I know, I know.
GEORGE(pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very much for yesterday, by the way.
ELAINEJerry, he want me to fix him up with Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be a part of this!
GEORGE(animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee! A cup of coffee is not a fix up!
ELAINEYou wanna meet her. You wanna see if she likes you?
GEORGE(defensive) So what? So what if I do?
ELAINE(shrill) You're engaged!
GEORGE(worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine. An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I coulda been with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky, balding funny men!
JERRYI notice you threw 'stocky' in there.
GEORGEYeah, what the hell?!
ELAINEGeorge! It's cheating.
GEORGE(adamant) It's not cheating if there's no sex!
ELAINEYes it is!
GEORGE(frustrated) Ahh!
ELAINE(looking for support) Jerry!
JERRYUhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.
GEORGE(pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you just make the call? (indicates the phone) Please, make the call.
ELAINE(distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll make...
GEORGE(triumph) Alright.
ELAINEEight-fifty.
JERRYOh, right.
ELAINESo uh, how are you getting to the airport? D'you need a ride, or...
JERRYNo, don't be silly, I've arranged a car.
ELAINEYou sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...
JERRYMaybe I'll let you pick me up.
ELAINE(big smile) Okay.
ELAINEOh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens) Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens) Oh, really?
ELAINEWell, could you tell her Elaine called? Yeah, thanks.
ELAINEHuh, she's in the hospital. (concerned) She has an arrhythmia.
GEORGE(impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?!
HELENMorty, what d'you have to open this box for? (waving at another box) There's already a box of cookies open.
MORTYI wanted a Chip Ahoy.
HELENI don't like all these open boxes.
MORTYLook, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.
JERRYSurprise!
MORTY(shout) Jerry!
HELEN(shock) Oh, my god!
MORTYWhat the hell are you doing here?
JERRYI'm a good son.
HELENJust like that? No calls?
JERRYJust like that.
MORTYBoy, you are really something.
HELENTo what do we owe this great honour?
JERRYYou wanna know? Come on outside.
MORTYOutside? What's going on?
HELENWhenever Jerry comes, something exciting happens.
MORTY(laughs) Heh hah!
JERRYC'mon, c'mon.
JERRYWell, what d'you think?
MORTYLook at this! Look at this! (excited) You bought a Cadillac?!
JERRYI bought it for you. It's yours.
MORTYYou what? You bought me a Cadillac?
JERRYI bought you a Cadillac. (hands over the keys) Here you go.
HELEN(sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your mind?
JERRYWhat?
MORTY(to Helen) You don't want it? Are you kidding?
HELENHe's not buying us a Cadillac.
MORTYWhat are you, nuts?
HELENIt's a very nice gesture Jerry, but take it back.
MORTY(to Jerry) Can you believe this?!
HELENI'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got that kind of money.
JERRYHow d'you know?
HELENOh, get out of here Mister Big Shot.
JERRYWhy can't I buy my father a car?
HELENYour father doesn't need a car.
MORTYYes, I do!
HELENOh, Morty.
MORTYWe're keeping it.
HELENOver my dead body.
JERRY(under his breath) Well, this worked out just as I had hoped.
MACHINE (KRAMER)Giddyup.
NICK (O.C.)Yeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza Cable.
NICK (O.C.)Well, I waited all morning again. You said you were gonna be there from nine to one.
NICK (O.C.)I was there. Where were you? You think I got nothing better to do than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?!
NICK (O.C.)You're not gonna get away with this!
MORTYHey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it.
JERRYThat's what I was thinking.
JACK(pointing) Hello, Jerry.
JERRYHiya, Jack.
MORTY(indicating) So, how d'you like this?
JACKWho's car?
MORTYIt's mine.
JACKYours?
MORTYThat's right. My son bought it for me.
JACKHe what?
MORTYMy son bought me the car. It's a present.
JACK(disbelief) You bought it?
JERRYThat's right. I bought it.
MORTYYou ever see one so nice?
JACKSome car.
MORTYYou wanna take a ride?
JACKNo, thank you.
MORTYC'mon, take a ride.
JACKI don't wanna take a ride.
MORTYWhy not?
JACKI don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?!
JERRYHe doesn't wanna take a ride.
MORTYUh huh.
JACK(worked up) What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.
MORTY(skeptical) Thousands?!
JACKWhat? D'you think you're such a big shot now, because you got a Cadillac?
MORTY(dismissive) Ahh!
JACK(dismissive) Yaah!
MORTYCould you believe that guy?
JERRYAahh!
GEORGEAnyway, I was thinking about what you said. About uh, me and Marisa.
GEORGEYou know, about the uh, two of us getting together. And I know that I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really just something you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, engaged, it's, it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching uh, My Cousin Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that uh, you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles) So, what d'you, what d'you think?
GEORGE(urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes. Can you move a pinkie?
KRAMERY'hello.
NICK (O.C.)(inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi, uh ah, Mister Kramer, ah, this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about some trouble on your line.
KRAMERHmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.
NICK (O.C.)Uh, the thing is, we happen to have a man right in your neighbourhood.
KRAMER(playing along) Ohh, is that right? Well, I have been having a little trouble with my call-waiting.
NICKWe can fix that. We can fix that.
KRAMER(sitting back on the couch) Oh, can you? That's funny, because, as it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone company would know that.
NICKOh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong work order.
KRAMERYeah. Could you hold on for a second? I've got something on the stove.
KRAMERHey, McNab!
KRAMERChunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't you stop by?
MORTYAlright. Next thing on the agenda, the restoration of the fence at the Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting bids.
HERBC'mon Morty, it's been broken for six months already. What the hell are you doing?
MORTYWell, I, as your president, have to find the best price, and right now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.
JACK(half to himself) I'll bet you don't.
MORTYWhat was that?
JACKC'mon Morty, the jig is up!
MORTYWhat're you talking about?
JACKI'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole meeting, holding my tongue. I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any longer.
HERBWhat's going on, Jack?
JACKI'll tell you what's going on. Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds from the treasury.
MORTYStealing?!
RALPHWhat proof do you have?
JACKProof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand new Cadillac. Now what more proof do you want?
MORTYMy son bought me that car!
JACKYour son?
MORTYYeah.
JACKYour son could never afford that car. We all saw his act, last year, at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent!
HERBJack's right! He stinks!
RALPHIt's his material.
MORTYI tell you, he bought it for me!
HERB(bangs table with his fist) I move for a full investigation!
RALPHI second.
MARISA...go introduce myself.
SUSANHey! What're you watching? (looks at TV) Only You? That's another Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly) What, d'you have a thing for her?
GEORGE(laughing it off and trying too hard) Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. (forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?
SUSANWhat are you talking about?
MARISAHave I told you how much I love you today?
GEORGENot in the last fifteen minutes.
MARISAWell, I do love you very much.
GEORGEAnd I love you, Marisa.
MARISAWell then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere.
HELENImpeachment?
MORTYThat's right. Have you ever heard of anything like that?
HELENCan they do that?
MORTYIf they get the votes.
HELENI told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car.
JERRYDidn't you tell 'em I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid for it.
MORTYIt doesn't make a difference. They think we're in cahoots.
JERRYYou know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!
MORTYNo-one's ever been impeached before. I couldn't live here. We'd have to move to Boca.
EVELYNHello?
JERRYOh, hi Evelyn.
EVELYNHello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds) I just got off the phone with Saul Brandus.
HELENWhat'd he say?
EVELYNHe's voting to impeach.
EVELYNNot because he think you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show.
MORTYI did so thank him!
HELEN(admonishing) No, he never heard you. (prods Morty's back) I told you he didn't hear you.
MORTYAh, he's deaf anyway.
EVELYNNow, my sources tell me, there's three votes for impeachment, three votes against impeachment, and one undecided.
MORTYWho's that?
EVELYNMrs Choate.
JERRYWho's she?
MORTYOh, that one. She's been a member of the board longer than anybody. She's very tough to deal with.
HELENMaybe we should have her over for coffee, and explain our side of it?
MORTYThat's a good idea.
EVELYNOkay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight.
HELEN(surprise) The Lichtenberg's?
EVELYNYes, they're having a party.
HELENWe weren't invited.
EVELYNOh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because of the car.