SUSANHey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna run down to the ATM.
GEORGEYeah, I better grab some too.
SUSANI'll get it for you; just give me your card.
GEORGEYou sure?
SUSANYeah, just tell me your code.
GEORGEMy code?
JERRYSo why didn't you tell her the code?
GEORGENo. No way.
JERRYGeorge, you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely.
GEORGEIt says very clearly, 'for your protection, do not give your secret code to anyone.'
JERRYSo you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now?
GEORGEWhy does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?
JERRYActually, that's the definition of selfish.
GEORGEHave you ever given your code to anyone?
JERRYNo one's ever asked. You want it? It's 'Jor-El.'
GEORGESuperman's father on Krypton.
JERRYOf course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna tell me. It's eating you up inside. Sing it, sister.
GEORGENo. I am not giving my code to anyone for any reason.
JERRYWhat if my life depended on it?
GEORGEIf you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code.
GEORGEWhat's the matter with your leg?
JERRYMy foot fell asleep.
GEORGEHow'd your foot fall asleep?
JERRYI crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate.
FREDHey Jerry.
JERRYHey Fred.
GEORGEHey Fred.
JERRYMy foot fell asleep.
FREDYou're lucky, at least you got something to do.
JERRYFred, do you know Elaine?
FREDNo, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm outta here, see you guys.
GEORGEAlright, bye.
JERRYSeeya.
ELAINEDid you hear that? He said, 'nice to meet you.'
JERRYSo?
ELAINESo? We've met before. At Katie Ash's party, we talked for like ten minutes.
JERRYAnd he didn't remember you?
JERRYWhere are you going, you just got here?
ELAINEI gotta go talk to him.
ELAINEExcuse me, excuse me, Fred?
FREDYeah?
ELAINEYou just said, 'nice to meet you', but actually we've met before.
FREDWe have?
ELAINEYeah, at Katie Ash's party?
FREDWhat was your name again?
ELAINEElaine. You don't remember our conversation? I talked about how my uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald?
FREDNot ringing a bell.
ELAINEWhen my uncle said to him, 'the president's been shot' Oswald winked at him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?
FREDMmm, no.
ELAINEThat was right when we were in front of the bathroom door.
FREDThe bathroom door. I remember someone had played tic-tac-toe on it, and the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom right.
JERRYHey that sounds great, I'd love to do some TV commercials, that should really be fun.
JERRYUh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how do you like that? I'm gonna do some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow.
KRAMERLeapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this.
JERRYWhat is that?
KRAMERWell, it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything Fires, harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. Uh oh, we got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, I'd give it all up to be a fireman.
JERRYYeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made.
KRAMERWhen I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that big hook and ladder.
JERRYYou're lucky they let you drive a car.
KRAMERNo no no, they're talking the West Side Highway, at this time of day that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools.
ELAINEWhat was that?
JERRY(waving his arm in dismissal) Eh.
ELAINEAlright. So, get a load of this. This guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers every little thing about that night except me.
JERRYReally? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet that many women.
ELAINEWhat are you saying?
JERRYWell, what's to be said? He didn't remember you.
ELAINEYeah, but why? I mean, ya know.
JERRYI know.
ELAINEYa know?
JERRYYeah, I know.
ELAINEHuh, lookit, you got the new catalog.
JERRYYeah, you wrote a good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe.
ELAINEToo good. Peterman was so pleased, now he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me.
JERRYWhy would I wanna do that?
ELAINEOh please, Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells these stories, it's gonna be awful.
JERRYYeah, sounds like fun.
SUSANI want you to tell me, George.
GEORGEWhy? Why is my code so important?
SUSANBecause, it's part of our relationship, it's an indication of trust. We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another.
GEORGEWell I'm sure you have secrets from me. I don't know anything about your cycles.
SUSANMy cycles?
GEORGEYeah, I never know what's going on there.
SUSANWell from now on I'll keep you apprised of my cycles.
GEORGEPlease.
SUSANAnything else?
GEORGEWe're out of Bosco!
JERRYHowbout this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our prices, we'll give you the store.
LEAPIN' LARRYYa know I've always liked your comedy, you don't take cheap shots.
JERRYNo I don't.
LEAPIN' LARRYSorry for keeping you here so long. Again, I apologize for the mess. This renovation is killing me.
JERRY(to himself) My foot's asleep again!
LEAPIN' LARRYWhen I lost my leg in the boating accident, I got so depressed about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business. But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store.
JERRYYou know what? I'll be with you in a minute.
EMPLOYEEThat is a great impression!
JERRYLarry, wait, you don't understand!
KRAMERI just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making fun of crippled people, is that what you've sunk to?
JERRYI didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell asleep.
KRAMEROh, oh your foot fell asleep.
JERRYYa know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry, you'd think he had a sense of humor about it.
KRAMERWell, you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you, munjamba?
JERRYYup.
VOICEHup.
KRAMERBoy, look at that. Se that's that fire I was listening to yesterday.
JERRYWow, the whole building burned down.
KRAMERThey just don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?
JERRYOf course.
KRAMERIt's all up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate.
JERRYThe amazing thing is you never have any place to go.
GEORGEWhere we gonna eat?
JERRYWe're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.
GEORGEPeterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.
JERRYOf course not, if I did would you have gone?
GEORGENo way.
JERRYThere you go.
GEORGEI don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be off.
JERRYTrust me, you're off.
ELAINEOh, hi Fred.
FREDUm, hello?
ELAINEIt's Elaine.
FREDOh yeah, yeah, right.
ELAINEHow ya doin'?
FREDI'm depressed. I got this new shirt, the button fell off. Once the button falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it.
ELAINEYeah, that's too bad.
FREDYeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I feel depleted.
ELAINEHmm. I never take them.
FREDCause they make you nauseous, right?
ELAINEYeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered!
FREDDo you wanna have dinner tonight?
ELAINEHmm. Tonight.
FREDWhat, you have other plans?
ELAINENo, no no no, none that I can, um, remember.
JERRY...Alright, you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your ATM code.
GEORGECall the Embassy.
JERRYThey're closed.
GEORGEWhy?
JERRYBomb threat.
GEORGEWe're in Turkey?
JERRYMidnight Express, my friend.
GEORGEMy card won't work there; they're not on the Plus system.
PETERMANYou must be Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRYYes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza.
PETERMANJ. Peterman.
GEORGE(grabbing lapels) J. Crew.
JERRYWell, is Elaine here?
PETERMANOh, Elaine just called, she won't be joining us. Not to worry, I'll tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls.
GEORGEWhat's going on? He still wants to have dinner with us?
JERRYWithout Elaine? What for?
GEORGEWhat, is he crazy?
JERRYWe gotta get out of here. Come on; weave your web, liar man.
GEORGEI've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.
JERRYGeorge, what's the matter with you?
GEORGEI'm choking!
PETERMANAh, Fong has been most accommodating. Shall we?
JERRYActually, you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.
PETERMANI understand, no hard feelings. George and I will miss your company. Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine.
ELAINE(to herself) I can't believe this, is this guy standing me up?
PETERMAN...And there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of my search. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes seven-and-a-half through eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars.
GEORGEHowbout sports? Do you follow sports?
TV ANNOUNCERIt's fourth and inches and the Giants are going for it! You gotta love sports!
GEORGEYou know, this is very nice, but I really could take a cab. Really.
PETERMANHa ha, nonsense, George. Besides it gives me a chance to tell you about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual corduroy.
PETERMANPeterman here. What? Oh no. Alright, I'll be right there. (To George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to God we can make it there in time.
JERRYI can't believe you blew us off; we were doing you the favor.
ELAINEWell, Fred asked me out.
JERRYFred?
ELAINEYeah, and then he stood me up. I don't get this guy.
JERRYYou see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't remember anything about you.
ELAINEI am? But that's so sick.
JERRYThat's God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together.
ELAINEAnyway, so how was the dinner?
JERRYWell, when I heard you weren't coming I made up and excuse and got the hell out of there.
ELAINEWhat about Georgie?
JERRYNah, he didn't make it.
PETERMANDoctor, how is she?
DOCTORShe's too weak to talk but she'll be happy to hear your voice.
PETERMANMama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for you, mama.
GEORGEI'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having dinner with your son.
PETERMANShake off the dew, my friend.
GEORGEYeah. What time is it?
PETERMANIt's morning. Thanks for seeing me through the night. I'll make us a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you?
GEORGEWho?
PETERMANMomma. Just talk to her, George. The doctor seems to think it helps.
GEORGEHi. I-I really should be getting back to my fianc, you know, we, uh, we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You uh, you wanna know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I love that stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, that is a relief!
MRS. PETERMANBosco. Bosco.
GEORGEOh, shhh.
MRS. PETERMAN(sitting up) Bosco!
MRS. PETERMANBosco! Bosco! Bosco!
GEORGEShut up! Shut up!
PETERMANMomma! What are you trying to say?
MRS. PETERMANBosco.
PETERMANShe's gone. Bosco?
GEORGEYou know this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me at the restaurant.
JERRYI did not bail out on you.
GEORGEWell why couldn't you include me in your excuse?
JERRYWhy didn't you come up with your own?
GEORGEI froze. I think I'm losing it.
JERRYAh, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump?
GEORGENo, no. I reached down and there was *nothing* there.
GEORGENow Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.
JERRYOh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
GEORGEI am not giving you my code.
KRAMERI'll bet I can guess it.
GEORGEPssh. Yeah. Right.
KRAMEROh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
GEORGEHuh?
KRAMERYou're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
GEORGEGet out of here.
KRAMEROh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
GEORGEI'm leaving.
KRAMER(building up steam as George bolts for the door) No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
GEORGEI gotta go.
KRAMERIf you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
GEORGEShut up!
KRAMERNestl's Quik!
GEORGEShut up!
GEORGEWhat was that?
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGEYou just checked your watch. Are you thinking of bailing on him?
ELAINEI got a date.
ELAINEOh, Mr. Peterman.
PETERMANOh, Elaine. George, when momma said 'Bosco' she must have been trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps.
GEORGEMothers say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy person.
ELAINEMr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies. Unfortunately, I've gotta get going.
PETERMANYou do?
GEORGEUh, yes, actually we-we both do.
ELAINEI have a personal commitment.
GEORGEWell, personal, I mean, we both uh...
PETERMANWhat is it?
ELAINEI'm speaking at a women's' rights conference.
GEORGEYes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference.
PETERMANI don't believe that for a minute. Well, Elaine, it was good of you to stop by.
ELAINEMy pleasure.
PETERMANFortunately, I still have George here to help me through this.
PETERMANYou know George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor that momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.
KRAMERHey, you wanna come down the fire station with me?
JERRYFire station?
KRAMERYeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world!
JERRYNah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
KRAMEROh, so he took you back.
JERRYYeah, we straightened it out, all is forgiven.
KRAMERWell, you know the important thing is that you learned something.
JERRYNo I didn't.
CAPTAINWell, Mr. Kramer, your list of short cuts is most impressive.
KRAMERYeah, and this is just the Upper West Side. Wait until I get to the Village, then you're gonna see a magic show.
CAPTAINMr. Kramer, just about every week some brash young hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they are.
JERRYAnyway, thanks for having me back, and sorry about the misunderstanding.
LEAPIN' LARRYWater under the bridge. Come on, I never did get a chance to show you around the store.
JERRYOh sure.
JERRYUh, again? (Limping towards the door) I'll be right there.
DISPATCHERAttention Company 390, structure fire at Leapin' Larry's Appliance Warehouse.
KRAMERLeapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. You gotta take Amsterdam.
CAPTAINStay out of this, Kramer.
KRAMERAre you ok, cowboy? Where do you need to go?
KRAMERWell, you'd better take it easy.
FREDSorry about the other night but my mother called, she couldn't find her pills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills, and they were right there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that?
ELAINEHuh.
FREDThe worst part is getting from the subway station to the house. There's no transportation...
ELAINE(to herself) What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him...
FRED...I could have taken a cab but if my mother saw me pull up in a cab, she'd start yelling at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for? It's so expensive!" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her.
PETERMANBosco. Bosco. Bosco.
(A woman rushes in and shoutsThere's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going up in flames! Peterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks back. George is still sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head.
PETERMANGeorge!
CAPTAINGonna make a left onto Broadway.
CAPTAINWho is this?
KRAMERIt's Kramer!
CAPTAINKramer?! What the hell are you doing back there?
KRAMERDeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.
WOMANHow did this start?
JERRYBeats me.
LEAPIN' LARRYWhere the hell's the fire department? I'm gonna lose the whole store!
CAPTAINKramer, get the hell off of there. You're not trained to operate this equipment!
MAN ON THE STREETHey, Kramer!
LEAPIN' LARRYTry the scanner, see if you can pick up anything.
CAPTAINWhat are you doing, Kramer?! You're all over the road!
KRAMERDon't worry, Cap, I can handle it!
JERRYKramer?
CAPTAINYou're losing control! Hard right! Hard right!
JERRYAh, that's a shame.
PETERMANThe fire will eat up this entire block!
PETERMANLook, there's a man in there. Get out of there, you're in danger!
MANBut my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine, it ate my card!
PETERMANGeorge, give me your ATM card!
GEORGEI don't have my ATM card.
PETERMANGeorge, you're obviously lying, anyone can see that!
PETERMANIt's jammed! I'll slide it under the door,
MANNow give me your code!
GEORGEWhat?! Why?
MANThe machine won't open without the code!
PETERMANGeorge, give him your code!
GEORGEBut I-I-I-
PETERMANGeorge, there's no time! Tell him your code! Shout out your code, man!!
MANThe code!! The code!!
SUSANHi. Here's your cash, George.
GEORGEHm. Thanks.
SUSANAnd here's your card back. Anyone for Bosco?
JERRYOh my god. Look at this.
GEORGEHm?
JERRYIt's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
GEORGEThe Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYThey really got us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just like chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute. You see people at the cash machine; they're just there. Just, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting for the sound, you know the sound, you're waiting for the sound. That's what we're trained to hear, the 'here comes the money' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip flip flip flip flip. It's exciting, don't you get excited? It's coming! It's coming! They're giving me money!