[SettingBooth at Monk's Cafe]
GEORGEAnd then I hear this rabbi on television, I mean imagine.
ELAINEI'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't jealous of you. It was just the whole marriage thing.
GEORGEYa know, I was just a little surprised.
JERRYWhy would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean can anybody answer that?
GEORGEWhat about all the loser stuff?
ELAINEI don't know where the rabbi got that. Ya know I never said that. I said "I've never seen you looser".
JERRYI can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit it's available, it's there, it's 2 aisles over.
GEORGE(Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating as always.
JERRYWhere you going?
GEORGEI'm going shopping with Susan.
ELAINEWhat kind of shopping?
GEORGEClothes shopping.
ELAINEWhere are you going?
GEORGERoss'.
ELAINEOh that's a nice store.
GEORGEYeah, it's her uncle's.
JERRYDiscount?
GEORGE(As he leaves) One would hope.
[SettingJackie Child's Office]
KRAMERSo ya know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this cafe latte.
JACKIE(Agreeing) Hm Hm. Oh what is that like Italian coffee?
KRAMERYeah that's right.
JACKIEHalf milk, half coffee?
KRAMERYeah.
JACKIEHm Hm. You take a sip?
KRAMERYes I did.
JACKIENow when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were you able to sip it in your normal fashion?
KRAMERNo I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion.
JACKIEHm Hm. All right, all right. You take big sips?
KRAMERWell I think I take a normal sip.
JACKIEO.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that. Then what happened?
KRAMERWell you know ahh, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
JACKIEYeah, see they like to sell their own coffee.
KRAMERYeah, now is that going to be a problem?
JACKIEYeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
KRAMERIt's definitely preposterous.
JACKIESo. Then what happened?
KRAMERWell ahh. I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
JACKIEWas there a top on it?
KRAMERYeah.
JACKIENow did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
KRAMERNo. They put the top on.
JACKIEAnd they made the top. You didn't make the top did you?
JACKIE(To secretary over intercom) Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some test on that top. Have you been to the doctor?
KRAMERAh No no, I haven't.
JACKIE(To secretary over intercom) Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.
KRAMERSo ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles.
JACKIEJackie.
KRAMERJackie. I mean, we have a chance?
JACKIEDo we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.
[SettingRoss' clothing store]
GEORGEI don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy.
SUSANWell you could use a little flash.
GEORGEAll right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't change me. Ya know there are a lot of woman that would love to be in your position right now.
SUSANName one.
MR ROSSSo, you find anything?
SUSANOh, he's impossible to shop for uncle Ned.
MR ROSSI'm going on vacation to Costa Rica. Maybe I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
SUSANO.K.
SALESMANExcuse me Mr Ross.
GEORGESee now this I don't get.
SUSANWhat?
GEORGEThe security guard.
SUSANWhat about him?
GEORGEWhy does he have to stand?
SUSANBecause he's a security guard.
GEORGEBut I mean look at him. He's gotta be on his feet like that all day? That's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle.
SUSANGeorge, you just met him. Don't say anything to him.
GEORGEAren't you concerned about the security guard?
SUSANNot really. (Walks away)
GEORGE(Thinking to himself) She's not concerned about the security guard. What kind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care that this man has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting.
SUSANAll right George. (She puts the red shirt up to him again) What do you think?
[SettingElaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.]
JERRYSo ah, what did you do last night?
ELAINENothing.
JERRYI know nothing, but what did you actually do?
ELAINELiterally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared.
JERRYWow. That really is nothing.
ELAINEI told ya.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
ELAINEHey.
JERRYWhat are you all dressed up for?
KRAMEROh I ah just came from a meeting with my lawyer.
JERRYOh yeah, how's that looking?
KRAMEROh I'll tell you how it's looking. My lawyer Jackie says if there is one coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna be a rich man.
ELAINEThat's despicable. How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote? I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you a nickel Kramer.
KRAMERYeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have weeded you out.
JERRYFrankly I'm surprised you're so litigious.
KRAMEROh I can be quite litigious.
ELAINEWhat I mean who ever heard of this anyway? Suing a company because there coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot.
KRAMERYeah but Jackie says the top was faulty.
ELAINE(Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty.
KRAMERHey Maestro!
MAESTROAh, Kramer.
KRAMERI'm in here. How's it going.
MAESTROFine.
JERRYHi Bob.
JERRY(Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro.
KRAMERWell, this is a surprise ha?
MAESTROI just wanted to drop off this Chinese balm for your burns. It's supposed to be great stuff. It's all herbal.
KRAMEROh Maestro, you, what are you doing? You don't have to do this. Do you believe this Maestro?
MAESTROIt's nothing.
KRAMERYeah, ya know you haven't been around for a while.
MAESTROOh yeah, I've been at my house in Tuscany.
KRAMEROh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's in Italy.
JERRYI hear it's ah beautiful there.
MAESTROWell if you're thinking of getting a place there don't bother. There's really nothing available.
JERRY(Surprised) Huh?
MAESTRO(Seeing Elaine) Oh!
ELAINEHello.
MAESTROWell Hello. And who might you be?
ELAINEI might be Elaine.
JERRYThis is a, Bob Cobb.
KRAMERMaestro.
ELAINEOh, Maestro.
MAESTROIt is my very great pleasure. (Kisses Elaine's hand)
ELAINEEnchante.
MAESTRO AND ELAINE (Simultaneously)Well I have to be going.
ELAINEJinx buy me a coke.
MAESTROOh. Love it when that happeneds.
ELAINEI know I know. That is so ahh ......
MAESTROCoincidental.
ELAINEYeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys.
MAESTROCiao.
KRAMERYeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the balm. Yeah.
KRAMERYou know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
JERRYOh what, because I didn't call him Maestro?
KRAMERThat's right.
JERRYYa know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro.
KRAMERWhy?
JERRYBecause it's a stupid thing to be called.
KRAMERJerry he's a conductor.
JERRYOh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.
KRAMERWell, he's still a conductor.
JERRYWell he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine.
KRAMEROh, you should see him do 'Flight of the Bumble Bee'.
[SettingMonks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from each other]
JERRYNew shirt?
GEORGEYeah. You like it.
JERRYNo, not particularly.
GEORGEWhy, the color?
JERRYYeah.
GEORGEToo flashy?
JERRYYeah, it's burning my retina. Susan picked that out for you right?
GEORGE(Obviously lying) No.
JERRY(Reaches for a menu) All right what's it going to be here.
GEORGELet me ask you something. When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day?
JERRYNo.
GEORGESee, didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different. I can sense the slightest human suffering.
JERRYAre you sensing anything right now?
GEORGELet me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet, in one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?
JERRYWell, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert.
GEORGEWhat, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that take? Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch. (stands up) Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!
JERRYMaybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down.
GEORGEWould you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair? I would be very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll have a talk with him.
JERRYI know you will.
KRAMERHey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie just called.
GEORGEWho?
JERRYHis lawyer.
KRAMERYeah, Java World wants to settle.
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERYeah, I'm gonna be rich.
JERRYWhy are they settling?
KRAMERCause their afraid of bad publicity.
JERRYAll this because you spilled coffee on yourself?
KRAMERYeah that's right.
GEORGE(Very loud in the direction of a waiter) I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling!
[SettingRestaurant. Maestro and Elaine are talking)
MAESTROAnd then about four years ago I was on holiday in Tuscany.
ELAINEUh ha.
MAESTROAnd I fell in love with this house.
WAITERAre you ready to order?
ELAINEOh God. What are you getting Bob?
MAESTROGood question. (to waiter) We'll need a few minutes.
MAESTROYou know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention it earlier but actually I preferred to be called Maestro.
ELAINEExcuse me?
MAESTROWell, ya know I am a conductor.
ELAINEYeah, so?
MAESTROOh I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein to be called Maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and I don't.
ELAINEWell, I mean don't you think that he was probably called Maestro while he was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends probably just called him Lenny.
MAESTROI happen to know for a fact, that he was called Maestro in social situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him and said "Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact.
ELAINEMaestro huh? O.K. (laughing)
[SettingJerry's apartment. Jerry is at the refrigerator getting orange juice.]
KRAMERJerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is gone look.(shows Jerry the burn area).
JERRYWhat do you mean?
KRAMERWell I put that Chinese balm on that the Maestro gave me. And look, it healed it.
JERRYSo?
KRAMERSo? My lawsuit. I'm finished.
JERRYI thought they wanted to settle.
KRAMERWell what happens if they want to see it?
JERRYThen you're in a lot of trouble.
KRAMERYeah!!
[SettingRoss' clothing store. Guard is standing near entrance. George enters.]
GEORGE(To guard) Tired?
GUARDNo.
GEORGEHow come uh, no chair?
GUARDWhat?
GEORGEI, I couldn't help but notice that uh you don't have a chair.
GUARDI don't need a chair.
GEORGENo I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're obviously a very well proportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever offered you a chair?
GUARDNope.
GEORGEWould you like a chair?
GUARDI suppose if they gave me one I'd sit down.
GEORGEAh ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you?
GUARDObviously I'd rather sit than stand, if that's what your asking.
GEORGEThat's exactly my point.
GUARDWell who wouldn't?
GEORGECause I tell you, frankly, I would like to walk in hear one day and find you sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would give me a lot of pleasure. Call me crazy.
[SettingBack seat of a cab. Jackie and Kramer]
JACKIEYou put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
KRAMERI guess I screwed up huh Jackie?
JACKIEYour damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damm balm anyway?
KRAMERThe Maestro.
JACKIEThe who? What are you talking about Maestro?
KRAMERMy friend he's a conductor.
JACKIEOh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?
KRAMERWell my stomach was burning.
JACKIEI tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.
KRAMERWell I didn't know the balm was gonna work.
JACKIEDo you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions?
KRAMERWell I ...
JACKIE(interrupts) No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.
KRAMERI'm sorry Jackie.
JACKIE(To cab driver) Pull over here driver this is it.
KRAMER(Motions with his head) Yeah, get over.
[SettingElaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC]
JERRYDid you have a good time?
ELAINEYeah, he's very interesting. Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing 'The Requiem'.
JERRY(Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows that, it was in Amadeus.
ELAINEReally?
JERRYSo what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro.
ELAINEYeah, I called him Maestro.
JERRYYou didn't mind?
ELAINEWell, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.
JERRYO.K. from now on I want you to call me "Jerry the Great".
ELAINEI am not calling you "Jerry the Great".
JERRYWhy not you call him Maestro.
ELAINEHe is a Maestro.
JERRYWell, I'm great.
ELAINESo you say.
JERRYWhat about his house in Tuscany, he mention that?
ELAINEYeah. (bragging) I'm invited.
JERRYYou know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of the clear blue sky he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone else there.
ELAINEWhy?
JERRYI don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans.
ELAINEYeah, well maybe there aren't any houses to rent there.
JERRYIn all of Tuscany? I wonder.
[SettingOffice of a Java World building]
MR STARI say we offer him $50,000 that's it, take it or leave it.
MR BURNSHow do we know how severe the burns are? Why don't we have him examined by a doctor.
MS. JORDANListen, the faster we dispose of this the better. This thing gets into the paper it will kill us.
MR STARAll right, we'll start at 50,000 and free coffee at all of our stores.
MR STAR(Answering secretary) Yes?
SECRETARYMr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here.
MR STARSend them in.
MR STARGentleman.
MR STARGentleman come in. Now we don't want to take up much of your time. Let's make this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the free coffee you want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe, Plus..
KRAMER(Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!!
[SettingJackie and Kramer in the back of a cab]
JACKIEI'll take it? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it?
KRAMERNo.
JACKIEI know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it, he wasn't there.
KRAMERWell I thought we were lucky to get anything.
JACKIEFree coffee?
KRAMERYeah.
JACKIEI don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own
KRAMERWell I didn't hear any Plus.
JACKIE20 years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this.
KRAMERLook, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte.
[SettingJerry and Elaine are walking down the street and hear music approaching]
ELAINEHey. Hi Maestro.
MAESTROBeethoven's 7th.
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYHey you know we were just talking about you.
MAESTROOh yeah?
JERRYYeah, ya know the other day how you mentioned that there were no houses available in Tuscany?
MAESTROYou didn't find one, did you?
JERRYNo. I'm not really looking.
MAESTRONor should you.
JERRYSo are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all of Tuscany?
MAESTROThe houses are passed down from generation to generation, it's very hard.
JERRYI can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing?
MAESTROIt's booked solid!
ELAINEIt's BOOKED Jerry!
JERRYHow'd you get yours?
MAESTROGot lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride, I was about to pop in some Verdi.
JERRYMaybe I'll check out France.
JERRYHey George, do you believe this guy?
GEORGEWho?
JERRYBob Cobb.
GEORGEBob Cobb?
JERRYYou know, the Maestro.
GEORGEOh I missed the Maestro?
JERRYYeah, get this, he tells me there are no houses any where in Tuscany to rent.
GEORGEHuh. Your renting a house in Tuscany?
JERRYNo.
GEORGESo what do you care?
[SettingMonk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth]
JERRYI just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to keep me out of Tuscany.
GEORGEOf course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you know how big Tuscany is?
JERRYI have no idea.
GEORGEIt it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota.
JERRYOh, no way it's that big.
GEORGEIt's a big region.
JERRYDo you know how big North Dakota is stupid?
GEORGEI don't know why I bother even talking to you.
JERRYHey, no one's got a gun to your head.
GEORGEAll right.
GEORGESo I spoke to the security guard.
JERRYYeah and?
GEORGEWell it's tough to get a good read but I think if I brought him a chair, he'd sit.
JERRYSo are you gonna get him a chair?
GEORGEYup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool.
JERRYYeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a back or without.
GEORGEOh I think I'd go for the back.
JERRYSwivel?
GEORGEI suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe one of those director's chairs. What do you think of those.
JERRYI thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know my parents used to have a kitchen chair that would have been perfect.
GEORGEYou mean one of those vinyl things?
JERRYYes.
GEORGEVinyl yeah, maybe.
JERRYHow can I figure out if there's any places to rent in Tuscany? Wait a minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him.
GEORGEYeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside.
[SettingIn Maestro's car, he and Elaine are driving and singing Finiculi, Finicula]
[SettingOn the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking]
JERRYPoppy told me to talk to his cousin, he lives down in Little Italy.
GEORGEWhat do you think about a rocking chair?
KRAMER(Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have any problems I'm gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble.
JERRYHey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter?
KRAMERAwe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that was the settlement.
JERRYThat's it?
KRAMERThat's it. What you want one George? I can get one for you. No problem. Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.
JERRYYou've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein.
KRAMERWell I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to tell.
JERRYYou're racing!
KRAMERWell well I've got things to do. I'll see you later. Bye.
[SettingDark room. Elaine and Maestro are kissing]
ELAINE(Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob!
ELAINE(Correcting herself) Maestro!
[SettingRoss' clothing store. George carries in a rocking chair]
CLERK(Noticing George with the rocking chair) Excuse me. Can I help you?
GEOGENope. Just a, giving a chair to the security guard.
CLERKDid Mr. Ross tell you to do this?
GEORGEWhat's your name?
CLERKEvan Fayne.
GEORGEI'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm probably gonna be taking over this whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good side.
CLERKI'm terribly sorry, I didn't know.
GEORGEInnocent mistake.
GEORGEWell, here you go. What do you think?
GUARDMr. Ross says this is O.K.?
GEORGEHey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Check it out.
GUARDNot bad. Not bad at all.
[SettingDark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.]
JERRYAh, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Giggio.
GIGGIOSi, Si, imma Giggio.
JERRYPoppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio.
GIGGIOSi, Si Poppy.
JERRYUm, did he did he mention to you why I called?
GIGGIOSi, the house in Tuscana.
JERRYYeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?
GIGGIOSi. Two million lira. You give me the check.
JERRYI didn't actually want to rent it.
GIGGIOThe keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.
GIGGIO(To the man) Si, Si.
JERRYSo see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent.
GIGGIOSi. (hods up the keys) Thissa one!. Capiche?
[SettingRoss' clothing store. The employees are being held up at gun point. The camera moves from the right to the left. There is a masked man taking the money from the cash register. As the camera moves all the way to the left of the store, you see the security guard fast asleep in his new chair]
[SettingAt the window of a house in Tuscany. Elaine and Maestro are talking. There is a lady singing in Italian in the background]
ELAINEIt's been a rough couple of weeks, ya know I really needed to get away.
MAESTROI told you, it's paradise.
ELAINEYou're right Maestro.
KRAMERCommon Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out.
JERRYYou didn't have to push me.
KRAMERI didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy?
JERRY75,000 lira.
KRAMER75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?
JERRYKramer you don't under the conversion rate.
KRAMEROh, conversion rate, oh.
JERRYYou know I don't even know why I brought you.
KRAMERNobody put a gun to your head.
JERRYNot bad!
KRAMERYeah!