Jerry's Standup
JERRYSo, she got you to join a book club?
GEORGEI got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWell, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?
GEORGENah, I don't like that one.
JERRYSo, what's your first book?
GEORGE"Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.)
JERRYIt's kinda old, isn't it?
GEORGEThey wanted to read a Truman Capote book.
JERRY (standing)Oh, sure...Truman Capote.
GEORGEHe's a great writer.
JERRYOh, yeah.
GEORGEDid you ever read anything by him?
JERRYNo. You?
GEORGENah.
JERRY (sees a white couch by the wall)Oh, what about this one? Look at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!
ELAINEHey, what's going on?
JERRYNew couch, baby!
ELAINENew couch? Why?
JERRYI love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.
ELAINE (to Carl, flirtatiously)Hello.
CARLHello.
ELAINEOh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful!
JERRYWait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it.
ELAINEWhat are you doing with your old couch?
JERRYNothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?
ELAINEYeah, I'll take it.
JERRYWell, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.
ELAINEYes, they can. (Kramer enters.)
KRAMERHey! Couch is comin.'
JERRYIt's here!
KRAMERAlright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch.
JERRY (nonplussed)Yeah. So do I.
KRAMEROoh! Remember Poppie?
JERRYOh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?
KRAMERYeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza?
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEWhat was that again?
KRAMERIt's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?
ELAINE (in a southern accent)Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie!
JERRYWhat made you resurrect that old idea?
KRAMERWell, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the "old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, he wants to back it.
ELAINEI heard Poppie's was good, let's go.
JERRYI'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?
KRAMERThat was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.
ELAINEOoh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!
KRAMERYeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.
JERRYOh, Kramer, I -
JERRYRight there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie?
ELAINEWell, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.
JERRYOh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.
CARL (hands Jerry an invoice)Sign here.
ELAINE (to Carl)Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far.
CARLSure.
ELAINE'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me?
CARLYeah, I think we can squeeze you in.
ELAINEOh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. (Elaine and Carl exit.)
KRAMERDid you offer those guys a drink?
JERRYUh, no. Should I have?
KRAMERWhat kind of a person are you?
JERRYI don't know.
GEORGEOkay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.)
ELAINESo, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, "Do you date moving men?"
JERRYAh ha...
ELAINEYou wanna know what I said?
JERRYI can't wait.
ELAINE"I do now."
JERRYClever.
ELAINEIs that something?
JERRYYes.
ELAINEIs that something?
JERRYYou're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink.
ELAINEWell, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.
JERRYSo, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?
ELAINEYes.
JERRYWell, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)
POPPIEHello! Jerry, so good to see you again! (Puts his hand out.)
JERRY (clearly creeped out by having to shake Poppie's hand)Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine.
ELAINENice to meet you, Poppie.
POPPIELet me show you to your table. (Leads Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!
JERRYWell, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.
POPPIEYour friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course, I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well.
ELAINEWell, your mother must be very proud of you.
POPPIEMy mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.
JERRYSo, what's good tonight?
ELAINEBoy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before.
JERRYAh, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's.
ELAINEPaccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's.
JERRYWhy not?
ELAINEBecause, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups.
JERRYSo, you won't eat the pizza?
ELAINENo way.
JERRYReally.
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYWell, what if Poppie felt the same way?
ELAINEWell, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.
JERRYReally!
ELAINEYeah. That's right.
JERRYWell, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.)
POPPIEYes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than even I had hoped.
JERRYPoppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue?
POPPIEWhen my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...
JERRYOh, boy.
POPPIE...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently.
ELAINE (offended)Well...Poppie. I think differently.
POPPIEAnd what gives you the right to do that?
ELAINE (standing up)The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.
WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE (to her date)I heard that. Let's go, Henry.
HENRYBut we just got here...
WOMAN AT ANOTHER TABLEI'm with you, Poppie!
WOMAN AT YET ANOTHER TABLE (to her date)Let's go!
ELAINE (to Poppie)And I am not coming back!
POPPIEYou're not welcome!
JERRYWell, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.)
JERRYWell, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.
GEORGEI'm sorry I missed it.
JERRYOh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'?
GEORGEOh...pretty good.
JERRYSo, what's it about?
GEORGEWell, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.
JERRYHolly Go-Lightly.
GEORGEYeah, she's quite a character.
JERRYYes, you haven't read a page, have you?
GEORGENo.
JERRYBig surprise.
GEORGEI couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
JERRYYou're not very bright, are you?
GEORGENo, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days.
JERRYWhy don't you rent the movie?
GEORGE'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, now I'm relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.)
KRAMER (scanning a menu)So...how was the dinner last night?
JERRYOh...well...
KRAMERDid you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.
ELAINE (sitting down)Oh...well...
KRAMERAlright, what did you do to Poppie?
ELAINENothing.
KRAMERWell, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.
ELAINEWhat's wrong with him?
KRAMERI don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)
JERRYWe should get him something.
ELAINEYeah. You're right.
ELAINEDo you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) So, what do you think of my conversation?
CARLNot much! (They both laugh.) I, uh, would have invited you up, but I don't have any furniture.
ELAINEYou don't have any furniture?
CARLNo, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. (They laugh again.)
ELAINEWell, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?
CARLYeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and Carl look into each others eyes, then kiss.)
KRAMERAnyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this.
POPPIE (opening the gift basket)What's this? A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?!
KRAMERWhy, what...?
POPPIEDon't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two?
KRAMERWell, we're not very close.
POPPIEThey owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland.
KRAMEROh, they got good ducks there, huh?
POPPIEOh, very good ducks.
ELAINEI'm in looove!
JERRYWhoa!
ELAINEThis is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!
JERRYDid you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?
ELAINENo, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)
JERRYNo games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
ELAINE (putting on lipstick)Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.
JERRYAh ha. And what is his stand on abortion?
ELAINE (looks at Jerry and smears lipstick across her face)What?
JERRYWhat is his stand...on abortion?
ELAINEWell, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
JERRYHow do you know?
ELAINEBecause he, well...he's just so good-looking.
JERRYWell, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.
GEORGEI'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.
CLERK (checking the computer)Uh, this is out. Someone has it.
GEORGEOut? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones that have had it.
CLERKWell, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like.
GEORGEMaybe we could call them and ask them to return it.
CLERKOh, sorry. We can't do that.
GEORGEWell, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.
CLERKI don't think so. It doesn't work that way.
VOICE ON INTERCOMYes?
GEORGEUh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?
INTERCOMYes.
GEORGEUh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey, what's happenin.'
KRAMERWell, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.
JERRYYou got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.
KRAMERYeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)
JERRYOkay. Hi, Poppie.
POPPIEHello.
JERRYI'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition.
POPPIEThat's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way.
JERRYOkay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)
KRAMERWhy don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. (Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie?
POPPIENo.
KRAMERHey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza?
POPPIEKramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother -
JERRY (comes out of the bedroom with Poppie's money)Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the...
POPPIEThe what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)
JERRY...the...the...
KRAMER (to Poppie)So long. I'll see you tonight.
JERRY (frantic)Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!
KRAMERWhat is what?
JERRYThis puddle on my sofa!
KRAMERWhat puddle?
JERRY (points)That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.)
KRAMERI don't know.
JERRY (looking at the puddle with Kramer)Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on my sofa!!
KRAMERAre you sure?
JERRYWell, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
KRAMERI'm sure it'll come out.
JERRYI don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!
KRAMERAh, you're making too much of it.
JERRY (sarcastic)Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
KRAMERRight!
GEORGEWell, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.
JOEWell, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very much.
GEORGEShe was a delicate flower.
JOEWhy didn't you just read the book?
GEORGEWell, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter comes to the door.)
JOERemy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.)
CARLHi.
ELAINEHi. (They kiss.)
CARLI missed you.
ELAINEOh, I missed you!
CARLI don't remember the last time I felt this way.
ELAINEMe, either!
CARLI think about you all the time.
ELAINEYou do?
CARLDo you think about me?
ELAINEOh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.
CARLWhat friend?
ELAINEOh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl's response will be.)
CARLYou know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law.
GEORGESo, anything to uh, nosh?
JOEWhat did you want?
GEORGEPopcorn?
REMYPopcorn? Where do you think you are?
GEORGEWell, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.
REMYWell, we don't.
GEORGEYou might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all.
JOE (passes George a bowl)Here's some nuts.
GEORGEOh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people. Hazel...and filbert.
REMY (to Joe)Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe presses play on the remote.)
GEORGEHey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.'
JOEThe lights are fine. (George shrugs, and the movie begins.)
KRAMER (in a chef's hat and apron)See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza dough into the air.)
POPPIEUse your wrist! It's all in the wrist. (Kramer tosses the dough way up there.) Not too high!
KRAMER (puts the dough on the counter)Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese...
POPPIENot too much!
KRAMERAnd...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza.)
POPPIEWait a second...what is that?
KRAMERIt's cucumbers.
POPPIENo, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
KRAMERWell, why not? I like cucumbers.
POPPIEThat's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
KRAMERBut that's the idea, you make your own pie.
POPPIEYes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!
KRAMERWhat gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
POPPIEBecause it's a pizza!
KRAMERIt's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
POPPIEIt's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
KRAMERNo, it isn't!
POPPIEYes, it is!
JOE'S WIFEI'm home.
JOEHey, honey.
REMYHi, Mom.
JOE'S WIFEHi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's?
JOEYeah.
JOE'S WIFEWell, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very good for Duncan.
JOEAw, that's too bad.
JOE'S WIFEYeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time -
GEORGE (clears his throat, annoyed that the movie's being interrupted)Joe...could you...
JOE'S WIFEPoor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this...
GEORGEYou know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.
JOE'S WIFEWho are you?
JOEThis is George Costanza.
GEORGE (irritated)This is very hard to follow with all the talking.
JOEI'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape with the remote.)
GEORGEAny more grape juice? (Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.)
JOE'S WIFEWho is this guy?
REMYHe's in some book club.
JOE'S WIFEAnd what's he doing here?
REMYCheating on his test. (George returns from the kitchen with a glass of grape juice.)
GEORGESo, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. Let's go.
REMYWhat?
GEORGEC'mon, you took my seat.
REMYIt's not your seat.
GEORGEI was sitting there, c'mon.
REMYYou didn't save it.
GEORGEI had the arm! Joe...
JOEWhat's the difference?
GEORGEWell, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here...
REMYIt's my couch.
GEORGEAlright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries to squeeze into the corner seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape juice all over the couch in the process.)
REMYLook! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch, you've ruined our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands on his hips.)
GEORGEJoe...
ELAINEOh my god.
JERRYYou see?!
ELAINESo, you're gonna get a new couch?
JERRYWell, I guess I have no choice.
ELAINEDo you want your old couch back?
JERRYI was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
INTERCOMIt's the movers.
JERRY'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)
ELAINEWho's that?
JERRYYour boyfriend, he's taking it out.
ELAINENo, no, he's not my boyfriend.
JERRYWhy?
ELAINETake a guess.
JERRYOh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.)
ELAINEHi.
CARLHi.
JERRYHey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back.
CARLToday?
JERRYCould you?
CARLSure.
ELAINE (to Jerry)What are you doing with this couch?
JERRYGeorge is taking it.
ELAINEDid you tell him it was peed on?
JERRYHe said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.
CARLI'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.
ELAINEYeah, me too.
CARLIt's just too bad.
ELAINEYeah. It is.
CARLWell, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.
ELAINECan I offer you anything to drink?
CARL (off-camera)Yeah, sure.
ELAINE (looking in the fridge)All I've got is grape juice.
CARLThrow it!
CARLThe couch!
MARIE (describing Holly Go-Lightly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's")She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.
GEORGEWell, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred.
MARIEGeorge...Fred's gay.
JERRYThe love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I guess some guy thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just shorten the furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious deadbeat with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I mean, it goes back so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over! You're wiped!' Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping for a new couch. JERRY So, she got you to join a book club?
JERRYWell, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence.