MR. LIPPMANTo your promotion.
ELAINEOh, thank you! (They drink) Mmm, Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
MR. LIPPMANWell, you're really on your way now.
ELAINEYou really oughtta do something about that cold.
JERRYYou got a raise?
ELAINEI don't fool around, (banging on the table) baby!
JERRYI thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
ELAINEThey were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
JERRYOh, when did that happen?
ELAINEThey're signing the papers next week.
JERRYDoes this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?
ELAINEYeah, they'll definitely do it now.
JERRYBoy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
ELAINEYeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.
JERRYBoy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you.
JERRYSpeaking of having it all ... Where were you?
GEORGEI went to the beach. (Jerry and Elaine exchange looks)
JERRYOh, the beach.
GEORGEIt's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. (sits down next to Elaine)
JERRYWhat is it that isn't working?
GEORGEWhy did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. (Elaine turns showing disagreement) Oh, maybe not academically speaking, (Elaine nods correct) I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.
JERRY(pointing to napkins; to Elaine) Could I get napkin over there?
GEORGEIt became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. (chuckles) Everywhere.
WAITRESSTuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
GEORGEYeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, un-toasted with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea. (laughs)
ELAINEWell, there's no telling what can happen from this.
JERRYYou know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cuz salmon swim against the current, (hand motion of the salmon swimming against the current) and the tuna swim with it. (hand motion of the tuna swimming with it)
GEORGE(annoyed) Good for the tuna.
ELAINEAh, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
GEORGESo what? What am I supposed to do?
ELAINEGo talk to her.
GEORGEElaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
JERRYWell here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
GEORGEYeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
JERRYIf every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
GEORGEYes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
GEORGEExcuse me, uh I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
VICTORIAOh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
GEORGEMy name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
VICTORIAI'm Victoria. Hi.
JERRY(on the phone) Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. (hangs up the phone)
KRAMERHey. Buddy, it's all happening!
JERRYWhat's happening?
KRAMERThe coffee table book. It's a go-oo!
JERRYOh yeah, I heard all about it.
KRAMERYou know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop Regis and Kathy Lee.
JERRYYou're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
KRAMEROh, you better believe it!
JERRYI'll loan you my puffy shirt.
KRAMERNo, no, no.
JERRYWhat're you gonna talk about?
KRAMERWell, coffee tables.
JERRYHello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. (hangs up the phone; turns to Kramer) You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money.
KRAMERYou know who you are? Even Steven
VICTORIAAre you growing a beard?
GEORGEWhy shave every day? It just grows right back.
VICTORIAI guess ...
GEORGEI'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.
VICTORIAHey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?!
GEORGETake it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.
MAN #1Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?
MAN #2Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
VICTORIAWhat are we gonna do? Should we just move?
GEORGEThat won't be necessary.
GEORGEShut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
VICTORIAAre you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty.
GEORGEI don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
VICTORIAWho are you, George Costanza?
GEORGEI'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
THEATER MANAGERExcuse me, is your name Elaine?
ELAINEYes.
THEATER MANAGERWere you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here?
ELAINEYeah.
THEATER MANAGERWell, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
ELAINE(gasp) An accident? What happened?
THEATER MANAGERWell-he got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent Hospital, room 907.
ELAINEOh. Ok. Thank you.
ELAINECould I have a box of Jujyfruits?
COUNTERPERSON(handing the Jujyfruits to Elaine) There you go.
JAKESo, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.
ELAINE(With her mouth full of Jujyfruit) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening.
ELAINEYou want one?
JAKENo thanks.
ELAINESo when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
JAKEWhere did you get those?
ELAINEAt the movies.
JAKEDidn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?
ELAINEYeah, he did.
JAKEThen when did you get those?
ELAINERight after ... that ...
JAKESo you heard that I was in a car accident, and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?
ELAINEWell... the counter...was right there, and...
JAKEI would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.
ELAINENo, no, it does!
JAKE(angry) If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!
ELAINEBut...Jake...
JAKEI would like to be alone now, please.
ELAINEBut, Jake, I didn't...
JAKEGoodnight!
POKER PLAYER #1Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?
POKER PLAYER #2Good idea, I'm kinda tired.
POKER PLAYER #3How'd you do?
POKER PLAYER #4Won 50.
POKER PLAYER #2Lost 72.
POKER PLAYER #1Won 37.
POKER PLAYER #3Lost 15.
JERRY(shocked) Broke even.
REGISCan I bring out our next guest now?
KATHY LEEPlease, please.
REGISYoung guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part -
KATHY LEEI love this.
REGISIt's a coffee table book about coffee tables! (holds the book up for the audience)
KATHY LEEYeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever!
REGISI think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage?
KATHY LEEI did.
REGISI mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?
KATHY LEEI love his hair.
REGISYeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome Kramer!
REGIS(shaking Kramer's hand) Hello, Kramer is here.
KATHY LEEI don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!
REGISAh, well, yes Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea?
KRAMERYeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, uh Regis... actually, this is a true story. I umm I was skiing at the time.
REGISYou know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, you're writing books!
KRAMERYeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!
KATHY LEEHave you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I-I love coffee tables, and I-I thought I was the only one.
KRAMERYou see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.
KATHY LEEIs that fabulous?
REGISLook at this!
KATHY LEEIs that fabulous?
REGISFabulous!
KATHY LEEI want one of these.
REGISDid I tell you this guy was bonkos?
KATHY LEEThis coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
KRAMERThat's true. That's right.
REGISYeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?
KRAMEROh, it's on file, right here. (points to his head)
REGISI'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is!
KATHY LEEBut he's adorable.
REGISYa he is, he's a nice looking guy.
KATHY LEEIt's all over my dress.
REGISWe'll be right back in a moment.
JERRYSo it's all over?
ELAINEYeah, it got pretty nasty.
JERRYAnd what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
ELAINEIt's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.
JERRYWhy didn't you eat it in the cab?
ELAINEBecause I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.
ELAINEWhat's all this?
JERRYPlayed cards last night.
ELAINEOh yeah? How'd you do?
JERRYBroke even.
ELAINEYou always break even.
JERRYYeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out!
ELAINEDo you have twenty bucks?
JERRYWhat for?
ELAINEJust gimme twenty bucks.
JERRY(shocked) What the hell was that?
ELAINELet's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
JERRYYou know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back.
ELAINEYou know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
JERRYWell, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first.
GEORGEHey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
JERRYBad.
GEORGEDay was -
ELAINENight.
GEORGEYes!
JERRYSo you just did the opposite of everything?
GEORGEYes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the traveling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I have had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Elaine, Jerry, this is my religion.
JERRYSo I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
GEORGEYes funny (laughs; hand clap) let's go.
JERRYElaine ... look! A twenty!
ELAINE(not wanting to believe it) Oh my God.
KRAMERHey boss.
MR. LIPPMANKramer. Come in.
KRAMERHow're you doin' there, big guy? (Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian)
MR. LIPPMANUh, Ya, Have a seat.
KRAMERAl-righty (sits down) Have you got yourself a cold?
KRAMERWoah, that's quite a honk!
MR. LIPPMANYa, thank you.
KRAMERGet yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
MR. LIPPMANThe reason I asked you in here, is I-I caught your appearance on uh "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and -
KRAMERYa that was pretty good, huh?
MR. LIPPMANAn-Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best i-if you uh didn't do any more of these shows.
KRAMERBecause of the coffee thing?
MR. LIPPMANKramer, I'm sorry.
KRAMERWhat about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"?
MR. LIPPMANIt's out -
KRAMERShe's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
MR. LIPPMANKra-Kramer, I -
MR. CUSHMANWhy don't you tell me about some of your previous work experience?
GEORGEAlrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I uh got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
MR. CUSHMANGo on.
GEORGEAh, Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
MR. CUSHMANDo you talk to everybody like this?
GEORGEOf course.
MR. CUSHMANMy niece told me you were different.
GEORGEI am different, yeah.
MR. CUSHMANI gotta tell ya, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. (gets out of his chair) Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. (George gets up and goes over) This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
MR. STEINBRENNERNice to meet you.
GEORGEWell, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
MR. STEINBRENNERHire this man!
SECRETARYTina Robbins is here to see you.
MANWho's that?
ELAINEAh, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, I-I've been sub-letting my apartment from her.
MANAlright, see ya. (Meets Tina in the door) Hey.
TINAPlease.
ELAINEHi Tina.
TINAHi Elaine.
ELAINESo, I haven't seen you in a while.
TINAElaine, we have a problem.
ELAINEWell, what is it?
TINAYou're getting kicked out.
ELAINEKicked out?! Why?!
TINAWell, there's been a number of complaints.
ELAINEYeah? Like what?
TINAWell, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
ELAINEAh, I didn't know who he was!
TINAThat's why there's a buzzer.
ELAINEWhat else?
TINAWell, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.
ELAINEWhat else have you got?
TINAWell, let's see. (Takes out a list from her bag)
JERRYI'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.
RACHELI suppose...
JERRYOh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.
RACHEL(sighs) Jerry ...
JERRYYes?
RACHELI've been doing a lot of thinking.
JERRYUh huh?
RACHELWell, I don't think we should see each other any more.
JERRYOh, that's okay.
RACHEL(confused) What?
JERRYNah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else.
RACHELYou will?
JERRYSure. See, things always even out for me.
RACHELHuh?
JERRYIt's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And uh good luck!
RACHELYeah, you too.
JERRY(leaving; singing) She'll be coming around the mountain...
JERRYThe New York Yankees?!
GEORGEThe New York Yankees!
JERRYRuth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
GEORGEI'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with 'em! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
JERRYI can't believe it.
GEORGEYa!
JERRYYa?
ELAINE(on buzzer) It's me.
JERRY(buzzes Elaine up) Come on up.
GEORGEAnd I'm moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?
JERRYThat's a great place!
GEORGEI'm back in business, baby!
JERRYGeorge, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out.
GEORGEHey! (to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful)
JERRYHi Elaine.
ELAINEHi.
JERRYHow're things going?
ELAINEHow're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment!
JERRYWhy? Why are they doing that?
ELAINEI don't know! They have a list of grievances.
JERRYThe jewel thief?
ELAINEYeah, the jewel thief.
JERRYWhat else?
ELAINEI put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. (disappointed) I gotta be out by the end of the month.
GEORGEWell, you could move in with my parents. (chuckles)
ELAINEWas that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just your natural instinct? (She squeezes George's mouth between her fingers)
GEORGEInstinct.
ELAINEStick ... with the opposite. (Slaps George on the forehead)
JERRYElaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, (has his one hand up and his other hand down) he was down. Now he's up, (switches the positioning of his hands) you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?
SECRETARYMr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here.
MR. LIPPMANOh ya alright... tell them I'll be right there. (tosses his handkerchief on Elaine's desk so he can tie his shoe) Oh man well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us.
ELAINE(noticing the forgotten handkerchief tries to stop call for Mr. Lippman with a mouth full of jujifruit) Oh, Mr. Lippman you forgot your handkerchief. Mr. Lippman, you forgot your handkerchief. It's on my desk.
CHAIRMAN(noticing Mr. Lippman in the hallway) Ah Lippman son. (Lippman smiles and is forced to enter his office) Lippman son. (speaks some Japanese)
INTERPRETERMr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company.
MR. LIPPMANI ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs.
JERRYIs that the end of it?
GEORGEYeah, it's the last one.
JERRYAlright.
ESTELLEI can't believe you're moving out. (Grabs Kramer) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream.
KRAMEROh, it's true.
GEORGEAlright, let's go.
FRANKDon't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. (Slaps George's forehead)
GEORGEI'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job.
ESTELLEJerry, did you hear this?
JERRYHe knows what he's doing.
GEORGEI just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.
JERRYOpposite.
ELAINEI must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
JERRYWhy'd you have to eat so many?
ELAINEBecause they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
JERRYNot to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
KRAMERYeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose? YEA!
ELAINEDo you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
JERRYDon't say that.
ELAINEIt's true. I'm George! I'm George!
GEORGEGreetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! (Sits down, says to waitress ) Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. (Turns to the Gang) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - (to Elaine) he's the first base man.
ELAINEUh huh.
GEORGEWe talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , 'Donny, go with it 'till it stops workin'.' Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.
KRAMERWait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours.
JERRYAh ... let's call it even.