KRAMERAll right, get off at the next exit.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYKramer, I've driven to east Hampton many times, I know the exit.
KRAMERIt's a great house, pool, sun deck? Yeah, I'll be there.
Jerry's Standup
JERRY(To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move?
ELAINEWe gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYDidn't they just have a baby?
ELAINEThat was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'
Jerry's Standup
JERRYIs it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
KRAMERHey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYNo.
KRAMERPut that on the top of your list.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYNo, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane should be almost there by now.
ELAINEOh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
ELAINEWhen's Rachel comin' out?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYShe's makin' the three o'clock train.
ELAINEHer father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI bought him some kishka.
KRAMERWhat's that?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYIt's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them.
GEORGEI never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.
JANEMe too. I love cough medicine.
GEORGEYou see? We were made for each other. (Thinking to himself) It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
JANEWhat's your favorite?
GEORGEPotussan. Ever try it with club soda?
JANENo.
GEORGEOh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) Sex is like joining a private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.
JANEAre we almost there?
GEORGEYeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But I have to stop at a vegetable stand.
JANEWhat for?
GEORGEMy mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes.
JANECan you buy 'em later? I really wanna get some... sun.
KRAMERHey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.
JERRYWho are you, Mrs. Robinson?
KRAMERCome on, I'll rub some on yours.
JERRYNo, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.
GEORGE(To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.
JANE(No feeling in her voice) You must've been excited.
GEORGEYeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get these tomatoes. You wanna go for a ride?
JANEI don't think so.
GEORGE'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes?
JERRYNo thanks.
KRAMERNo. (George leaves for the tomatoes)
JANEI'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for beach, Elaine enters with a shady hat on)
JERRYAnd then there's Maude. (She sits down next to Jerry)
ELAINELook at my face, look at it. You see any lines?
JERRYNo lines.
ELAINEYou know why? One word shade.
JERRYSo when are we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event?
ELAINEI don't know. They're takin' a nap or something.
KRAMERI'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you wanna come?
ELAINE(Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends.
JERRY(Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYJane's topless. (They all look)
KRAMERYo yo ma.
JERRYBoutros Boutros-Ghali.
ELAINENice rack. (Carol and Michael inside open back door)
CAROLCome on, you guys. You can come and see the bay-bee!
JERRYOh, in a minute, Carol.
KRAMERWe're gonna be right there.
JERRYThis is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet.
ELAINEWhy do you think we're getting the sneak preview?
KRAMERMaybe she's trying to create a buzz.
ELAINEWhat?
KRAMERYou know, get some good word of mouth goin'.
JERRYOh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane enters)
JANEI'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?
JERRYNo thanks.
ELAINEI'm good.
KRAMERDeh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, show's over. I'm goin' to the beach.
CAROLAdam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine are here.
ELAINEOh, he's a cute little shnugly baby.
CAROLIsn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at baby, only to be frightened and turn away)
ELAINEUgghh.
CAROLIs she gorgeous? (Elaine and Jerry looking away)
ELAINEOh, gorgeous, yes.
JERRYSo very gorgeous.
CAROLMichael, shut the door! You're letting bugs in.
JERRYIs it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
ELAINEUh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese.
JERRYBoy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit) And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them.
ELAINEOh, you have to lie.
JERRYIt's a must lie situation.
ELAINEYes, it's a must lie situation.
JERRYYou know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless.
ELAINENo, I don't think so.
JERRYIn fact remind me to tell Kramer too.
KRAMEROooh, lobsters.
BENOh this ointment should do it.
CAROLHow are you feeling, Adam? (She sees Elaine in the hall) Elaine! (Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa.
ELAINEHi.
CAROLLook at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is he? I ask you, how gorgeous?
ELAINE(Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous.
BENElaine, you have children?
ELAINEMe? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, I mean, I can't wait to have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby.
BENA beautiful woman like you should. You're quite breathtaking.
ELAINEBreathtaking? I'm breathtaking?
CAROLAnd he's very particular. Ben, you're staying tonight, right?
BENUh, Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself as Jerry enters and quickly looks away from the baby)
JERRYAh, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station.
ELAINEYeah, see ya.
JERRYOkay. (He leaves)
CAROLOh, just look at him!
BENYeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine confused by his comment)
RACHELTrain was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong way.
JERRYOh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes outside)
GEORGEHey Rachel!
RACHEL(Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna go in there to change.
GEORGEWhat kind of a greeting was that?
JERRYShe's got greeting problems.
GEORGEYeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never really took on as a hand fruit.
JERRYWell, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of lobster)
KRAMERHey, hey, hey! Look at what I got!
GEORGEHey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside)
JERRYYou got lobster for everybody?
KRAMERYeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean.
GEORGEThis is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for dinner...
KRAMERI know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. (Jerry shows that 'damn' expression behind George)
GEORGEYou saw who, what?
KRAMERYeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.
JERRY(Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right.
GEORGEYou saw Jane topless?
JERRYWell, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless.
GEORGEOh you mean face down on her chest.
JERRYNo.
GEORGEFace up on her back?
JERRYYeah.
GEORGEWell why'd she do that?
KRAMERI guess she was hot.
GEORGEYou mean she just laid there topless?
KRAMERNo, no, she got up, she walked around...
GEORGEWalked around? And you looked?
KRAMEROf course. She's got a great body, buddy. All right, I'm gonna go upstairs, I'll be right back.
GEORGEI can't believe that you saw her before me.
JERRYThink of me as a doctor. (They go outside again)
GEORGEWell, how good a look did you get?
JERRYWell what'd you mean?
GEORGEWell, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist...
JERRYThey'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
GEORGEGreat, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked.
JERRY(looking of into the distance) I guess that's true...
GEORGEStop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.
JERRYWhat do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked?
GEORGEYes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime.
JERRYYou can see me naked. I can offer you that.
GEORGEIt's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first.
ELAINENobody ever called me breathtaking before.
JERRYI've never been called breathtaking either.
ELAINEI mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not breathtaking?
JERRYMaybe he just said it because the mother was in the room.
ELAINEYeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out.
JERRYHow are you gonna do that?
ELAINEI can be very clever.
RACHELI'm gonna take a swim.
ELAINEOh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She goes in the hall and sees George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.
GEORGEOh, okay. (Starts to walk other way and then walks to their room and goes in)
RACHELHey!
GEORGEOh, sorry.
RACHELDon't you knock?
GEORGEI'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never seen before.
JERRYYou might have.
GEORGEI didn't.
JERRYYou won't.
RACHELWhat'd you want anyway, George?
JERRYYes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you want?
GEORGENo, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum.
JERRYOh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum.
GEORGEYes, because the water was cold... and the chewing warms me up.
RACHELWe don't have any gum.
GEORGEOkay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues to chew as he exits)
RACHELStrange man.
JERRYWait'll you get to know him.
RACHELSo where is this baby, anyway?
JERRYOh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)
RACHEL(She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)
GEORGE(realizing he was short changed) I was in the pool! I was in the pool!
GEORGEDid she do it on purpose?
JERRYIt was my fault, I told her the wrong door.
GEORGEI was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.
JERRYSo what?
GEORGEWell ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
JERRYBut...
GEORGEWell I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...
JERRYOh... You mean... shrinkage.
GEORGEYes. Significant shrinkage.
JERRYSo you feel you were short changed.
GEORGEYes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
JERRYWell, so what's the difference?
GEORGEWhat if she discusses it with Jane?
JERRYOh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
GEORGEHow do you know?
JERRYWomen aren't like us.
GEORGEThey're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?
JERRYNo, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
GEORGEHow do women know about shrinkage?
JERRYIsn't it common knowledge?
GEORGE & JERRY(Elaine walking down the hall they notice her and wave her into the room) Elaine! Get! (She enters)
GEORGEDo women know about shrinkage?
ELAINEWhat do you mean, like laundry?
GEORGENo.
JERRYLike when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
ELAINEIt shrinks?
JERRYLike a frightened turtle!
ELAINEWhy does it shrink?
GEORGEIt just does.
ELAINEI don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
MICHAELThanks for the lobster, Kramer.
KRAMERRachel, aren't you gonna have any?
RACHELOh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't eat shellfish.
KRAMERYou mean you've never tasted lobster?
RACHELNo.
KRAMERWow. You're so pious. I really respect that. You know when you die, you're gonna get some special attention.
CAROLOh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him. He can sit with us.
ELAINE & JERRYNo!
JERRYNo, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable.
ELAINEYeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here. We're-We're not fun for a baby.
JERRYYeah, the lobster'll scare him.
CAROLI'm gonna get him.
GEORGESee, look at this. (wearing a very tight shirt) Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things.
ELAINEReally? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel whispers in Jane's ear, which prompts Jane to laugh)
GEORGEWhat're you doing? What're you, telling secrets? What're you laughing at?
JANEIt's nothing, George.
GEORGEYou know, it's very impolite to tell secrets. Are you talking about me?
JANEWhat is it with you?
JERRY(To George) Easy big fella.
MICHAELSo Kramer, where'd you get all these lobster, at the Fleesher's Market?
KRAMERNo, I got 'em in the ocean.
MICHAELThe ocean? What'd you mean?
KRAMERWell, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these lobsters came up.
MICHAELThose are commercial lobster traps. You can't take those lobsters from there. That's against the law.
KRAMERTake it easy. There's plenty of lobsters in the ocean for everyone.
MICHAELMy father was a lobsterman. He got up every morning at four and came home every night stinking of brine! He sent me through law school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table)
CAROL(Entering with baby) Here he is.
KRAMERAhhh! (Shocked after seeing the baby)
ELAINESome night, huh?
BENYeah, I wish I had my telescope.
ELAINESome dinner, huh?
BENNothing like fresh caught lobster.
ELAINESome house, huh?
BENIt was built by Mark Fargman. He build a lot of these homes here.
ELAINESome ugly baby, huh?
BENWhat did you say?
ELAINE(improvising) I said, uh, some snuggly baby.
BENHe is something.
ELAINEWell, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.
BENWell, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was being nice to her or to the baby)
JERRYYou told her?
RACHELYeah, what's the big deal?
JERRYYou don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic.
RACHELJerry, what the difference? You know, you're the ones obsessed with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane.
GEORGEYou're going back to New York now?
JANEYeah, I have some things to do.
GEORGEUh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, that's what I think.
JANESo what if I did?
GEORGEAnd she didn't say something to you about a certain something?
JANEI don't know what you're talking about.
GEORGE*I* think that *you* think that a certain *something* is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* be, and *more*!
JANE(patronizing George) I'm sure it is.
GEORGELook, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.
KRAMERYou looking for this? (Holding up lobster)
RACHELOh, Kramer! You startled me.
KRAMERWell, I thought you might wind up around here.
RACHELYeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was enjoying the lobster so much an' well I thought I little taste wouldn't hurt, huh?
KRAMERNo I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
RACHELWhy not?
KRAMERWell, that wouldn't be kosher.
RACHELC'mon, Kramer. I really want to try it.
KRAMERNah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.
RACHELCome on, Kramer.
KRAMERHeyahhh!
RACHELI just heard a car drive out. What was that?
JERRYOh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the night. (Rachel shocked)
CAROLGeorge, thanks so much for making breakfast.
ELAINEGeorge, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted.
KRAMERYa I didn't know you could cook.
GEORGEWell, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host.
BENYes, George, the whole breakfast is breathtaking. (hearing this Elaine looks at him extremely annoyed)
RACHELGood morning.
ALLHey, hey. Morning
RACHELKramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really saved me.
MICHAELWhat happened?
RACHELWell, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me.
KRAMERWell I knew you'd regret it for the rest of your life.
RACHELYou're right, I would have.
JERRY(Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy.
GEORGEA little breakfast.
JERRYYeah.
GEORGE(To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right?
RACHELYes, I do. Thank you.
JERRYGeez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like this?
RACHELUmm... This is so good.
GEORGEAh, enjoying them?
RACHELMm-hmm.
GEORGEUh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of these. (Holds up lobster bib)
RACHELThere's lobster in these eggs?
GEORGENot that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.
JERRYWell, I guess I gotta go, too.
ELAINEWell, this has turned out to be one *helluva* weekend. (Policeman knocks on door, Michael answers)
MICHAELExcuse me?
POLICEI'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to track down a lobster poacher that uh cleaned out on of the traps.
KRAMERWonder what's goin' on.
GEORGEAh, I guess I should go up and apologize.
MICHAELThere he is, officer. (Michael points to Kramer, Kramer waves to policeman)
RACHELAhh! Don't you ever knock?
GEORGEI don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael and Carol.
ELAINEHey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same car with you either.
JERRYI still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer.
ELAINEHow is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine?
JERRYThey got some sort of program.
GEORGEHey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more.
JERRYHey, isn't that Michael's car?
ELAINEThere's Rachel.
GEORGEWhere? (He looks out window and gets hit by a tomato)
Jerry's Standup
JERRYLook at the work people do to get to the ocean. They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand. Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the ocean throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle in, the ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub and the waves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really mean bouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and rough you up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in like 25 miles?" back seat.
JERRYKramer, I've driven to the Hamptons many times, I know the exit.