Jerry's Standup
JERRYYou know their timing couldn't be worse.
GEORGEIs there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?
JERRYYou don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up.
GEORGEWhen are they leaving for Paris?
JERRYNot for another three days.
GEORGEWhat about her place?
JERRYShe lives with her parents.
GEORGEReally? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
JERRY(sarcastically) Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
GEORGEHey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?
JERRYThe baldies
GEORGEHey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town.
JERRYThat's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present.
ALEC(walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys.
GEORGEHey Alec
JERRYHey Alec
ALECThis is Joey.
GEORGEHey Joey, how you doin'?
ALEC(Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George?
GEORGEWell uh....
JOEY(interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please?
GEORGEWell, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.
ALECThat's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you.
JOEYWouldn't you like to be a big brother..
ALEC(grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya.
JERRYWhat happened?
GEORGEWhat could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid?
JERRY(acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?
JERRYHey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now?
GEORGEYa it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.
JERRYYa, it's much better isn't it?
GEORGEOh, n-no comparison.
JERRYHey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.
GEORGE(stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEYour parents are going to Paris right?
JERRYYea?
GEORGESo I tell Alec that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris.
JERRYWhat about little Joey?
GEORGEWho?
JERRYAh, I think he's probably better off.
GEORGEI'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.
MORTYBut there are no stamps on these.
GEORGEWell no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.
HELENWhy are you doing this?
JERRYHe wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
HELENWhy?
JERRYBecause George is a deeply disturbed individual.
KRAMEROh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion?
HELENI told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion)
KRAMER(putting on the lotion) Ya
HELENIt's from the Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami.
KRAMERMmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.
JERRYYa, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there.
KRAMERYa
MORTYSay those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home.
KRAMERWell uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle.
GEORGEReally? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something?
KRAMERYa if they're vintage, and you're a widow.
GEORGEWhat happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then?
KRAMERWell I suppose the children do.
GEORGE(pondering) Yes I suppose they do.
KRAMER(takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later.
GEORGE(grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?
HELENTonight?
GEORGEYea they're making Paella.
HELEN(looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.
JERRY(watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans?
HELEN(turns to Jerry) We have plans.
JERRYWhere'd you get plans?
HELEN(annoyed) We have plans.
GEORGEWell um, what about tomorrow night?
HELEN(turns back toward George) Maybe
GEORGEOk uh, I guess I'll tell them that.
MORTY(to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though.
GEORGE(quietly) Ya.
JERRY(walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later.
GEORGEYa.
JERRYSo what plans do you have?
MORTYNone
JERRYSo how come you're not going over there for dinner?
HELENJerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.
MORTYWe can't stand them.
JERRYReally? Since when?
HELENSince always. We've never liked them.
JERRYWhy?
HELENWell they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice?
JERRYNo I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
MORTYWell we do.
JERRYYa?
ELAINEIt's us.
JERRYU-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you?
HELENWe adore Elaine.
JERRYShe wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend.
HELENWhat's he like?
JERRYHe's nice, bit of a close talker.
HELENA what?
JERRYYou'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas'
HELENThey're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum.
EVERYONEHi.
MORTYHello Elaine
ELAINEThis is Aaron.
HELENHello Aaron
MORTYHello.
AARON(getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town?
HELENOh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris.
AARONAh
MORTYWe're going with a select charter group.
AARONI love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya.
HELENWe can't take money.
AARONOh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us.
ELAINEOh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time?
JERRYNo I haven't.
AARONYou know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour?
HELEN(grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that?
AARON(up in Helen's face) Easily
HELENI wouldn't be any trouble?
AARON(gets closer) Of course not.
HELENWhen would we go?
AARONHow about right now?
MORTYI'm ready
HELENAre you sure?
AARONYes.
HELENOk, let me get my coat.
AARON(walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say?
ELAINEW-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans.
AARONOh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry?
JERRYI'm swamped.
AARONYou sure? You could examine the art work up close.
JERRYMaybe I'll try and catch up with you.
ELAINE(under her breath) Ya that'll happen)
AARON(Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off.
MORTYOk, bye.
HELEN & AARONBye.
JERRYOk buh bye. Have a good time.
ELAINEBye.
AARONSee everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss)
JERRYOk.
ELAINEWhy would he ask your parents to go to a museum?
JERRYI don't know.
ELAINEWhat is that?
JERRYMaybe he was just trying to be nice.
ELAINEHave you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this?
JERRYWait a second, he just did me a big favor.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRY(dialing) He got em out of the house.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYCall Rachel.
ELAINEOh.
JERRY(on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed)
ELAINE(putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out.
FRANKThey're not coming?
GEORGENo, they had plans.
ESTELLEHow could they have plans?
GEORGEThat's what I wanna know.
FRANKWell what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends.
ESTELLEWhat am I supposed to do with all this Paella?
GEORGEThey said tomorrow, maybe.
FRANKMaybe?
ESTELLEMaybe they don't like us.
FRANKWhy wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?
ESTELLEAh keep quiet.
FRANKWhat are you trying to set my mouth on fire?
GEORGEI don't know what the reason could be.
JERRY(disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.
AARONAh Jerry you would not believe the time we had.
HELENAaron is quite the tour guide.
MORTYJerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings?
JERRYOh sure like Monet.
MORTYDon't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean know body would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.
JERRYWell he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday.
MORTYI say the guy was painting without his glasses.
JERRY(answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back.
HELENJerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read.
JERRYUh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up)
AARONWell I should be going.
HELENOh thanks again.
AARON & HELENBuh bye.
AARONOh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you.
KRAMERYou must be Aaron, I've heard about you.
AARON(Laughing) Well see you later.
KRAMERYeah.
AARON(leaving) Bye
JERRYBye
KRAMERSo uh what are you guys doing for dinner?
HELENWe have no plans.
MORTY(noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive.
KRAMERNow what is Executive?
JERRYThe belt-less trench coat. My father invented it.
MORTYI sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years.
HELENWhy would they? Know body bought them then.
MORTYHe's wearing one.
KRAMERYea these are a hot item over at Rudy's.
MORTYYou don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida?
KRAMERGet 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything.
MORTYYou gotta deal.
KRAMERYaaaa.
JERRYThis is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.
MORTYI'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery.
HELENYou're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days.
MORTYHe'll send them express.
HELENYou're crazy.
MORTYI'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats.
JERRYN-na I'm paying for the trip.
MORTYSo much the better.
GEORGEAnyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there.
ALECParis huh?
GEORGEYea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for.
ALECWhere will you stay?
GEORGEAn apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry.
ALECGeorge, you have no idea how fantastic this is.
GEORGEFantastic?
ALECYa, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution.
GEORGEHow gee what a coincidence.
ALECAnd you'll send me a postcard.
AARONHelen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children.
ELAINEMm hmm.
AARONAnd that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him
ELAINEAaron
AARONYes?
ELAINEUh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you?
AARONWell, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it.
ELAINEUhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age?
AARONNo, it was fun.
ELAINEYou had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.
AARONYea, they bought me a coke.
KRAMERSo how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat?
MORTYI came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
KRAMERHow serendipitous.
MORTYSo that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born.
KRAMERMmm
JERRYHe also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play.
KRAMERDid you call Jack Klompus yet?
MORTYI haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now.
JERRYAh come on.
MORTYJust a second. (Goes to grab the phone)
HELENJerry have you seen Schindler's List?
JERRYNo I haven't seen it yet.
HELENOh you have to go you have to
JERRYI'm going
HELENYou have to
JERRYOk
MORTY(on the phone) Hello Jack.
JACKYa
MORTYIt's Morty
JACKWho died?
MORTYKnow body died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes.
JACKWhat boxes?
MORTYI'm gonna explain what boxes.
JACKAlright how the hell do I know?
MORTYAnyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me.
JACKI thought you're going to Paris
MORTYI'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here.
JACKWhat's in the boxes?
MORTYRaincoats.
JACKRaincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage.
HELENI guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes.
JACKWhen do you want these?
MORTYSend them tomorrow.
ESTELLEYou think they're coming tonight?
GEORGEI dunno they said maybe.
FRANKOf course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us.
ESTELLEWell they better come, I got all this Paella.
FRANKI admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.
GEORGEYes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.
ESTELLEGeorgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night?
GEORGEI-I wasn't in the attic.
ESTELLEI heard noise.
GEORGEMaybe it was a mouse.
FRANK(jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving!
GEORGEWhat?
FRANKI will not tolerate infestation.
GEORGEYou haven't even seen one.
FRANKDon't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.
ESTELLEAlright Frank that's enough.
GEORGEI guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing)
RUDYUh huh.
GEORGEThey will get a good home won't they?
RUDYLook I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular.
GEORGEOh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a casanova really.
RUDYI'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes.
GEORGECould you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling.
RUDYYea I'm in a good mood here.
GEORGEThank you.
KRAMERHey, George what are you doing here?
GEORGEUh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted.
KRAMEROh, I gotcha (clicks)
GEORGE(leaving) That'll do.
KRAMEROh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats.
GEORGEHey that's swell.
KRAMERYea we worked it out all over dinner last night.
GEORGEDinner? (grabs Kramer)
KRAMERYa.
GEORGEYou had dinner with the Seinfelds'?
KRAMERYea, last night.
GEORGEWas this something you had planned for a while?
KRAMERNo it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants.
GEORGE(hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans!
KRAMEROooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy)
RUDYWell they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars.
KRAMEROh I'll take these.
RUDYAlright
KRAMERHey, remember this raincoat that you sold me?
RUDYSure that's the Executive.
KRAMERYa, you have any others?
RUDYI wish, they don't make 'em anymore.
KRAMERSuppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested?
RUDYVery interested
KRAMERCuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak.
RUDYWell bring 'em in.
KRAMERSo you'll buy them?
RUDYI don't see what would possibly stop me.
GEORGEAaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!
JERRYWhat are you talking about?
GEORGEMom and Pop Seinfeld
JERRYLook I don't know.
GEORGEAlright I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.
JERRYOh they were tired it was a last minute thing.
GEORGESo what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?
JERRYThat's right.
GEORGEIs there something wrong with my parents?
JERRYAbsolutely
GEORGEBecause my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.
JERRYThese the people you currently live with?
GEORGEYes.
JERRYUh huh
GEORGESo are they coming tonight or not?
JERRYLook I really don't know what they're plans are.
GEORGEOk, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella.
JERRYWhat is that anyway?
GEORGEIt's a spanish dish. It's a moulage of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.
JERRYI-I'll tell 'em
GEORGEHey could you do one other thing for me?
JERRYName it.
GEORGEYou think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smilies) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps)
JERRYSo you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?
GEORGE(pause) Alright if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards.
JOANNESo where's he taking you?
ELAINEWell first we're going to a matine, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places.
JOANNEYou are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron.
AARON(getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey
ELAINE(already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi
HELENHello, Hello.
MORTYHello Elaine
AARONI was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen.
ELAINEOh, Great.
MORTY(looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage?
HELENYou don't mind to you Elaine?
ELAINEMind? Oh o-of course not.
AARONWe can make a whole day of it.
MORTYThis is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli?
ELAINE(somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld
JERRY(stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second.
RACHELWhen are they leaving?
JERRYIn two days.
RACHELIt's been soo long.
JERRYI know.
RACHELOk, it's only two more days.
JERRYRight, Thursday three o'clock.
MORTY(from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have
HELENOoh.
JERRYOh Hi.
HELENWe didn't know you had company.
JERRY(tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel.
RACHELHi.
HELEN & MORTYHello Rachel.
HELENUh we'll come back another time.
JERRYWhat other time?
HELENWhenever
JERRYWhere you goin'?
MORTYUh we'll drive around for a while.
JERRYYou don't have a car.
MORTYWe'll take a bus.
JERRYCome on stop.
HELENNo we don't mind
MORTYI'll get a book.
RACHELNo no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.
HELENO-oh are you sure?
RACHELYea.
HELENCuz we don't wann..
JERRY(interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right?
RACHELDefinitely
JERRYOk. Uh
RACHEL(going out the door) It's night meeting you.
HELENNice meeting you.
JERRYOk, see you later.
MORTYBoy that was some show.
JERRYWhat show?
MORTY"My Fair Lady"
JERRYWhen did you get tickets to see that?
HELENAaron surprised us, and Elaine came.
JERRYOh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting.
MORTYWe saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.
JERRYOh.
HELENHe looks better on TV.
JERRYOh
JERRY(answering phone) Hello?
JACKHello Jerry,
JERRYYea.
JACKIt's Jack Klompus.
JERRYOh hi Jack.
JACKSo when are you coming down to Florida again?
JERRYAs soon as is humanly possible.
JACKYou know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down.
JERRYYea yea ya I shoulda kept it.
JACKSo uh where's your father?
JERRYYa he's right here.
MORTYYea
JACKMorty, listen I can't get into the garage.
MORTYWhat do you mean?
JACKThere is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work
MORTYYou gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes.
DORISTell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes.
MORTYYou gotta pull on the knob as you turn it.
JACKGet the hell outta here with your knob.
DORISWhat does he want from you?
MORTYMy idiot son could open that garage door.
JERRYWhat did I do?
MORTYJust do it first thing tomorrow. I need it.
MORTYThey'll be here first thing Thursday morning.
HELENThursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock.
JERRY(in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock.
HELENHow are you gonna get all this done in time?
MORTYDon't worry about it.
JERRY(in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time?
GEORGEThey were drinking champaign in a buggy!
FRANKFirst Kramer, then Elaine?
GEORGEYea
FRANKIt's a slap in the face.
ESTELLE(with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them!
FRANKWhat are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that.
ESTELLEThe hell with them.
GEORGE(in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.
FRANKLet's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair)
GEORGE(sitting down) Vacation?
FRANKYou're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise.
GEORGE(claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)
FRANKBut I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic.
GEORGEThe attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years.
FRANKHow can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door)
GEORGE(picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote.
FRANK(looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes.
RUDYLousy moth ridden crap.
[Movie TheaterSchindler's List]
JERRYHey.
MORTYHey, Jerry.
HELENSo how was the movie?
JERRYOh, really good, really good.
HELENAnd didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers)
JERRYLike that (snaps his fingers)
MORTYWhat about the end, with the list?
JERRYYa that was some list.
HELENWhat did you think about the black and white?
JERRY(confused) The black and white.
MORTYThe whole movie was in black and white.
JERRYOh yea, I didn't even realize.
MORTYYou don't even think about it, there's so much going on.
JERRYYa ya, I tell ya I could see it again.
KRAMERSo Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle
RUDYLook, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in.
KRAMERHey what again?
GEORGEI'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella.
KRAMERPaella, ya I'll be there.
GEORGEApparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner.
KRAMERNo no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent.
GEORGETwenty-five percent? It was your idea.
KRAMERYap I know.
GEORGEYou're doing all the leg work.
KRAMERThat's right
GEORGEHe's ripping you off
KRAMERYou're right he's ripping me off
GEORGEIf anybody should be getting more it's you.
KRAMERHe's ripping me off
GEORGEWell don't let him take advantage of you like that.
KRAMERYAH! (exits)
RUDY(coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.
MORTYYou know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent?
HELENWell he told you about the place.
MORTYSo what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is?
HELENYou find something you get a fee.
MORTYFinder's fee is ten percent and no more.
HELENWell it's too late now.
MORTYThose are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off.
HELENWell you're not gonna say anything.
KRAMERI've been thinking about something.
MORTYYa so have I
KRAMERAhh! I don't think the deal is fair.
MORTYYou don't think it's fair.
KRAMERNo no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work.
MORTYWhat leg work?
KRAMEROh, there's leg work.
MORTYIf anything you're getting too much.
KRAMERToo much?!
MORTYThat's right, they're my coats.
KRAMERLook I want thirty-five percent.
MORTYI'm thinking more like fifteen.
KRAMERNo way I'm taking fifteen.
MORTYWell you're not getting thirty-five.
KRAMERAlright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent.
MORTYOk it's a deal
RUDYMoths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere.
GEORGEI'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes.
RUDY(counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill.
GEORGESo uh where are the clothes?
RUDYI burned 'em.
GEORGEOh. That's good.
ELAINEN-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?
JERRYIt is a tad askew.
ELAINEI mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
JERRYI've hardly been out to dinner with them.
ELAINESee, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but know body is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.
JERRYYou're right he's insane.
ELAINEYes, he's insane, that's what I think.
JERRYSo what are you going to do?
ELAINEI don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?
JERRYUh from what I saw it was pretty good.
ELAINEYa what do you mean from what you saw?
JERRYWell I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie.
ELAINEYea why not?
JERRYI was kind of um (pauses) making out.
ELAINE(thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List?
JERRYI couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me.
ELAINEDuring Schindler's List?
JERRY(trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents.
ELAINEDid anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?
JERRYNo I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me.
ELAINEOh.
NEWMANHello Mrs. Seinfeld
HELEN(like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him)
NEWMANUh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket)
HELENWonderful, we went to the theater last night.
NEWMANOh the theater. Because I was wondering.
HELENWondering what?
NEWMANWhy I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry.
HELENWell we already saw it.
NEWMANOh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go.
MORTY(getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that?
NEWMANWell he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.
HELENI'm afraid I don't.
NEWMANHim and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
MORTYWhat?
NEWMANWhat, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.
HELENJerry was necking during Schindler's List?
NEWMANYes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent.
HELENJerry sends his laundry out.
NEWMAN(laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)
JERRYHi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?
HELENHow could you?
JERRYHow could I what?
HELENYou were making out during Schindler's List?
JERRYWhat? No.
MORTYDon't lie Jerry.
JERRY(turns) Newman.
HELENHow could you do such a thing?
JERRYI couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.
JERRY(answering the phone) Hello.
JACKHello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.
JERRYHang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus.
MORTYHello
JACKHello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good.
MORTYYou didn't get in?
JACKOh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in.
MORTYYou broke the window?
HELENHe broke the window?
JACKYou wanted those damn boxes didn't you?
DORIS(off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you.
MORTYDid you send them?
JACKYea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock.
MORTYTomorrow afternoon?
HELENTomorrow afternoon?
JERRYTomorrow afternoon?
MORTYI told you to send them express.
JACKW-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference.
MORTYSo what did you do about the window?
JACKI gotta fix your window now?
MORTYAlright alright, goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight.
JERRYW-what do you mean you're not making the flight?
HELENWe have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off.
MORTYWell what's the difference we'll go some place else.
HELENSome place else? What about Paris?
MORTYYou don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now.
HELENI can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats.
MORTYYou don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back.
HELENI think you're out of your mind.
FRANKI just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear.
GEORGEMoths?
FRANKMoths, ate three boxes?
GEORGEWell you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere.
ESTELLEYou know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer.
KRAMER(from outside) Hello?
ESTELLEHello
KRAMER(still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)
ESTELLEHope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)
KRAMEROoo Paella
GEORGEHey uh let me take you're coat.
KRAMER(giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy.
FRANKThat shirt, where'd you get that shirt?
KRAMERWha?
FRANKThat's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back
KRAMER(trying to get away) woah
GEORGEDad?!
KRAMER(laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy.
GEORGERudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes.
FRANKWho's Rudy? What clothes?
GEORGEI sold your clothes yesterday.
FRANKYou sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes?
GEORGEI didn't think you wore them anymore.
FRANKIt's cruise wear!
ESTELLEKramer, I love that shirt.
KRAMERYaya
FRANKTHAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!
ESTELLEYou look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.
KRAMEROh, well, thank you.
FRANKWho's this Rudy?
KRAMERWell Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.
FRANKMorty Seinfeld? He's a bum.
KRAMERWell, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it.
GEORGEMissing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight?
KRAMERYea.
GEORGEWhat happens to charter tickets when you don't use em?
KRAMERWell I suppose they are wasted.
GEORGEYes I suppose they are.
FRANKTomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes.
KRAMERA mouse!
JERRYYou want the tickets?
GEORGEYes.
JERRYYou're gonna take this kid to Paris?
GEORGEHey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.
JERRYYou know I'm paying for these tickets.
GEORGEIt's alright, I got lunch.
KRAMEROh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Paella was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella?
MORTYNot really.
KRAMEROh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm
JERRYHey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel?
MORTYThis is it.
KRAMERSo how much are we gonna make?
MORTYTake it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations.
KRAMERWha two thousand? Three thousand?
MORTYThat's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item.
KRAMERMore? More than three thousand?
MORTYJust watch me do my thing.
JERRYSay Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours?
MORTYLook at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple.
WOMANBon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight.
JERRY(turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group?
GEORGEHonesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night.
JOEYHey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris.
FRANKYou burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn.
RUDYWho are you anyways?
FRANKI'm the father.
RUDYHe said his father was dead.
FRANKHe said I was dead?
RUDYThat's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me.
FRANKThat's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars.
KRAMERHey, Frank!
FRANKOh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation.
MORTYWell you don't have to retract it because we never went.
FRANKI'm retracting that it was ever offered.
MORTYI retract your retraction.
FRANKOh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours?
MORTYWould you excuse me please, we're conducting business here.
RUDYYou can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested.
KRAMERI thought we had a deal?
FRANKThat's another one of my shirts!!
RUDYI'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street.
MORTYWho's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years.
RUDYYa how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff?
FRANKMy clothes don't have moths!
MORTYBecause of his moths you're not buying my raincoats?
RUDYThat's right.
KRAMER(laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it)
ANNOUNCEMENTFlight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding.
MORTYOk, let's go.
HELEN(to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off.
AARONAre you sure you can't stay a little longer?
ELAINE & JERRYNO.
MORTYAh, good-bye.
ELAINEGood-bye
JERRYTake care
MORTYAlright Jer.
ELAINENice to see..
MORTYBuh bye Elaine
JERRYBuh bye.
HELENBuh bye.
HELEN(looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home.
AARONThank you.
JERRYI think she meant me, but.
MORTYMake sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats.
JERRYOk.
ELAINEBye.
JERRYBye.
ELAINEAaron? Aaron are you ok?
AARONI could've done more. I could've done so much more.
ELAINEYou did enough.
AARON(turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out.
JERRYYou tried Aaron, it was too expensive.
AARON(holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent)
ELAINEWhy?
AARON(to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!
JERRYHi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?
MR. GOLDSTEINI'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter.
JERRYWhy what did I do?
MR. GOLDSTEIN(Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door)
JERRYRachel!
MR. GOLDSTEIN(closing the door on Jerry) Good night!
JERRYRachel!
JERRYSo my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.
ELAINEAahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen?
JERRYThe broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in.
ELAINEOohh, boy. They could use a vacation.
JERRYYea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them.
ELAINE(sighs) So how about that Aaron?
JERRYWhew
ELAINEYou know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked?
JERRYNo I hadn't noticed.
NEWMAN(at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.
JERRY(hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.
NEWMAN(moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.
JERRYSay, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night.
NEWMANOhh, were you there?
JERRYYes I was.
NEWMAN(looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film.
JERRYYes, shocking brutality don't you think?
NEWMAN(couple quick breaths) Shocking.
JERRYYes, well that was nothing.
NEWMAN(running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!
GEORGEWhere the hell is your father?!
ESTELLEThis is the best thing we ever did.
FRANKI just hope those exterminators know what they're doing.
ESTELLEAh forget about them let's just...
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through and Hand shakes is the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes you know these people? Too long, too weak, sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers, early release, late release, sometimes people will dispute your release, you let go there're hangin' on. I have actually said to people 'Hey the handshake is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, coming from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say 'That's three strikes you're out.'
JERRYPersonal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.