[SettingComedy Club]
Opening MonologThe bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going)
[SettingJerry and George on a Bus]
GEORGEIt's just not good, it's not good.
JERRYIt's not good.
GEORGEI'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.
JERRYWell at breakfast everybody reads.
GEORGENo. Lunch we read, dinner we read.
JERRYYou read during lunch?
GEORGEYa
JERRYOh, well.
GEORGEThere's nothing to talk about.
JERRYYa, what's there to talk about.
GEORGEWell at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
JERRYWhy don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?
GEORGEShe knows there is nothing to talk about.
JERRYAt least you'll be talking.
GEORGEOh shut up.
ALHey, look who's here.
JERRYHey, Al.
GEORGEHey, Al. How's it going?
AL(extremely happy) Deeply in love. We have soo many things to talk about. Sometimes we'll talk all night, till the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; to George) so how about you?
GEORGEOh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower.
ALGreat girl.
GEORGEWe have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks.
JERRYLike Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.
AL(to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?
JERRYYa.
ALI went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit.
JERRYMe?
ALYa, he said he could use a good laugh.
GEORGEWhat about me?
AL(to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks toward the front of the bus) This is my stop. Uh see ya.
GEORGEYa
JERRYYa, see ya.
GEORGEDeeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.
JERRY(points to George) Ya.
[SettingJerry's apartment]
GEORGEI didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.
JERRYCould use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me.
GEORGENa no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse.
JERRYOh, stop it.
GEORGEYa and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care?
JERRYSo you're not gonna come?
GEORGENo but say hello for me.
KRAMERHey!
JERRYHey! Hey Mick.
MICKEYHey Jerry.
KRAMERWhat's doing?
JERRYNothing, what's doing with you?
KRAMERSame old, same old.
JERRYGeorge this is Mickey.
GEORGEHi, nice to meet you.
MICKEYPleasure.
JERRYHow's work going you guys?
MICKEYLets not even talk about it.
GEORGE(to Kramer) You got a job?
KRAMERYa, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father.
MICKEY(to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that para-legal crap.
JERRYHow do you stop a kid from growing?
KRAMER(to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
MICKEYI offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry and George) but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
KRAMER(to Mickey) What about lifts?
MICKEY(to Kramer) Out of the question.
GEORGE(to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget?
MICKEY(turns and moves up to George, points his finger at him) It's little people, you got that?
KRAMEREasy Mickey, easy.
GEORGEYap..
KRAMERAlright we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?
JERRYI'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton.
KRAMER(on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me.
KRAMERNow look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.
MICKEYLifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done.
KRAMERYou wanna keep your job don't you?
MICKEYYa but..
KRAMERYAH! No Buts
MICKEYKramer
KRAMER(with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!
JERRYHey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.
FULTONHey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh.
JERRYWho couldn't.
FULTONI haven't cracked a smile in months.
JERRYOh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit.
FULTONIt's a fine time.
JERRYOh, alright ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him....
GEORGE(sets down his paper) So how were the eggs?
DAPHNEEggs are eggs.
GEORGE(Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Dophne
DAPHNE(correcting George) Daphne.
GEORGEDaphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult...
DAPHNE(interrupts and hurriedly puts down her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Al Netchie called me today.
GEORGEYa, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say?
DAPHNEHe told me not to get involved with you.
GEORGEWhat?
DAPHNEYa, he said you could never make a commitment to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches out and lightly slaps George's hand) hurting me.
GEORGEHe said that? (Daphne shacks her head) What a nerve. How dare he say something like that.
DAPHNEIs it true?
GEORGEOf course not. I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me.
[SettingABC Studios]
SONHow long are you going to be away for Daddy?
FATHERI'm not really going away, I told you, I'll be back every other weekend.
SONDon't go Daddy, don't go.
FATHERNow Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much, but sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
DIRECTOR(walks into the scene) ...and there's your scene. Stand-ins
KRAMERYo
STAGE HAND (Larry David's voice)Alright you guys get on their spots so we can fix the lights.
KRAMER(taps the Father on the shoulder) That's good work.
MICKEY(quickly with no acting) How long you going to be away for Daddy?
KRAMER(trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend.
MICKEY(tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy, don't...go.
KRAMERNow listen Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
MICKEYAh! (pauses for the hug) Alright (Kramer still holding on) Alright! Kramer! (pushes Kramer off him)
DIRECTOROk everybody that's lunch... one hour.
KRAMERHow do those lifts feel?
MICKEYQuiet.
TAMMYHi guys.
MICKEYHey Tammy.
TAMMYHey, you look different. Have you been working out?
MICKEY(looks at Kramer) Not that I know of.
TAMMYWell whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it you look great.
MICKEYHow about lunch?
TAMMYOH I can't today, but um I see it our future. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer.
KRAMERYa.
TAMMYBye Mickey
KRAMEROoo she likes you buddy (they to a high five hand shake)
KRAMER & MICKEYYa!
MICKEYAll of a sudden.
KRAMERWhat?
JOHNNYHey Mick.
MICKEYHow you doin' Johnny?
JOHNNYWhat gives...what's going on? Goin' out with Tammy?
MICKEYMaybe. What's it to you?
JOHNNYSomethin different about you.
MICKEYI got my hair cut that's all (turns to look at Kramer)
JOHNNYNah, that's not it. Something else... Ya you look different.
MICKEYYou don't, you got the same ugly mug since the day I met ya.
JOHNNYI don't know what it is, but I'll find out. (walking away) I'll find out.
JERRY..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Packyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really really funny.
PHILHey Jerry.
JERRYHey Phil how you doing?
PHILYou look terrific.
JERRYI got my health.
PHILWell, that's the most important thing. (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks at him still stone faced and not amused. To Jerry) How's he doing?
JERRY(wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs.
[SettingJerry's Apartment]
ELAINEYou should have told that story about Packyderm dropping the pizza.
JERRYI told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?
GEORGE(on the speaker) Ya
JERRYYa. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys.
ELAINEDo I know him?
JERRYNo, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him.
ELAINEIf you were a woman would you go out with him?
JERRYIf I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
ELAINE(laughs) Ya, I bet you would. Alright, give him my number.
JERRYAlright.
GEORGEThis you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.'
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEYa. That's what she told me.
ELAINEWhy?
GEORGEBecause he's afraid she's gonna get hurt.
ELAINEIs she?
GEORGEOf course.
ELAINESo?
GEORGEWa.. He doesn't have to tell her.
ELAINEMaybe he likes her.
GEORGEOh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me.
JERRYSo what are you gonna do?
GEORGEWell I can't break up with her now.
JERRYWhy?
GEORGEBecause he said I was going to.
ELAINESo now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite?
GEORGEYes, I am.
JERRYYa, I could see that.
GEORGEI don't see any way around it.
JERRYNo, me either.
GEORGEWhat choice do I have?
JERRYNone.
[SettingABC Studio Locker Room]
[SettingJerry's Apartment]
JERRYFulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse.
KRAMERDid you tell him the Packyderm story?
JERRY(yelling) Yes I told him the Packyderm story!
KRAMERMaybe I outta go over there.
JERRYTowards what end?
KRAMERI'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey Mick.
MICKEY(to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through my locker.
KRAMERYAOH!
MICKEY(slamming the door) That little Bastard! He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never would have happened if you hadn't pushed me to get those things. I told you.
KRAMERHey, nobody put a gun to your head.
MICKEYYa well just keep out of my business you big ape. (pushes Kramer)
KRAMERWho you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey back)
MICKEYYou (grabs Kramer)
JERRY(starts pulling them apart) Alright break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells)
KRAMER(pacing back and forth) Ya.
MICKEYI'm sorry Kramer.
KRAMERNo no it's alright, it's alright. You're stressed Oout!
JERRY(to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you?
MICKEYOh, he's always been jealous of me. I always get to stand in for the bigger stars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.
KRAMER(whistles) What's he like huh?
MICKEYHe's a good kid.
KRAMERYa?
JERRYSo what does he care if you put lifts in?
MICKEYYou don't understand. There's an unwritten code about this kind of thing. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, Everything. Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind of thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses laying on the couch; jumps up) What is this kid taking anyway? Hormones? Steroids? Would you tell me!?
[SettingGeorge's car outside Daphne's place]
DAPHNEGeorge, tomorrow's Sunday. We could sleep late, and get the paper and half breakfast and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch...
GEORGE(interrupts her) You know what. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay over tonight.
DAPHNEWhy not?
GEORGEI, I really should go home. Ya.. actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us.
DAPHNEI thought we were going to spend the day together.
GEORGEWell Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the velcro ball. (laughs)
DAPHNEHave you given any more thought to what we talked about? You know, moving in?
GEORGEYes, oh yes very much.
DAPHNEMaybe you don't want to move in.
GEORGENo, no I do. You know it's just...
DAPHNE(interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie was right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with you.
GEORGE(angry that she believes Al was right) No he's not right. Al Netchie is not right! Alright I'm canceling the father-son picnic. I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad.
[SettingElaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment]
ELAINE(Phil cracking up) So then Packyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot.. he can bearly hold 'em. I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah. And then they go flying out of...
PHIL(dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my pants.
ELAINE(cont.) they go flying out of his hands, and one lands on her face and the other lands on his face. (pause as they both continue to laugh really hard) and the whole place went crazy.
PHILOh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story.
ELAINEI know, I know, I was unbelievable
PHILOh that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.
ELAINE(wipes her eyes because she laughed so hard she cried) I know.
PHILWell this has been one hell of a night.
ELAINEOh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner.
PHILYou know, you really are beautiful Elaine.
ELAINEOh, well, (pauses) Good night.
PHILGood night?
ELAINEWell (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks down at his pants with a awkward look on her face)
[SettingJerry's Apartment]
JERRY(on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week, it killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey.
ELAINEHello.
JERRYSo?
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYCome on. How was your date?
ELAINEOh, the date. The date.
JERRYYa how was it?
ELAINEInteresting.
JERRYReally.
ELAINEOh ya.
JERRYWhy what happened?
ELAINELet's see, (thinking) how shall I put this.
JERRYJust put it.
ELAINEHe took it out.
JERRY(confused) He what?
ELAINEHe took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out.
JERRYHe took what out?
ELAINEIt.
JERRYHe took It, Out?
ELAINEYessiree Bob.
JERRYHe couldn't.
ELAINEHe did.
JERRY(motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous...
ELAINENoooo.
JERRYYou mean he just
ELAINEYes.
JERRYAre you sure?
ELAINEOh quite.
JERRYThere was no mistaking it?
ELAINE(looks straight into his eyes) Jerry.
JERRYSo you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") then all of sudden...
ELAINEYea.
JERRYIt.
ELAINEIt.
JERRYOut.
ELAINEOut.
JERRYWell I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
ELAINEOh it be. (sarcastically) You got any other friends you want to set me up with?
KRAMERHey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date with Phil Titola?
ELAINE(to Kramer) He took it out.
KRAMERMaybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's in human.
[SettingMonk's]
GEORGESo she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden.
JERRYIt.
GEORGEIt.
JERRYOut.
GEORGEOut. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) Alright, Hey come on, get out of here, Dophne gonna be here any minute.
JERRYAlright I'm going.
GEORGEYou know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.
JERRYWell how long you are going to keep this up?
GEORGEHey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again.
JERRYYou know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet.
GEORGEI'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick.
JERRYYes I do.
GEORGEWhat are you doing?
JERRYI'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material.
[SettingFulton's Hospital Room]
PHILAh hey Jer.
JERRYOh hey Phil.
PHILYou know I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong.
JERRYWell, y..you showed her who you are.
PHILOh, look at this, what she's got to breast feed in public.
JERRYYa, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last.
PHILI'll see ya.
JERRYYa take it easy.
JERRY(acting like he was walking on stage) Hey how ya doing? Good to be here.
[SettingABC Studios set]
KRAMER & MICKEYRock, paper, scissors match.
MICKEYAlright, rock beats paper.
KRAMERI thought paper covered rock?
MICKEYNah, rock flies right through paper.
KRAMERWhat beats rock?
MICKEY(looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock.
KRAMERAlright come on.
KRAMER & MICKEYRock, paper, scissors match.
KRAMERRock.
MICKEYRock
KRAMER & MICKEYRock, paper, scissors match.
KRAMERRock.
MICKEYRock.
MICKEYHey Bob. What's with you? You gotta problem? (to Kramer) You see that look he gave me? (starts to get up to go after him)
KRAMER(stops Mickey) Alright, come on.
KRAMER & MICKEYRock, paper, scissors match.
KRAMERRock.
MICKEYRock.
MICKEYHey Tammy.
TAMMYHello.
MICKEYSo Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch.
TAMMYI don't think so.
MICKEYWhy not? What the hell are you talking about?
TAMMYLook Mickey, everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set.
MICKEYWait, wait (goes to grab her arm)
TAMMY(recoils) Don't touch me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress we made over the years and you go and blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like this.
MICKEYWait a second, wait a second, you got me all wrong. It was all because of the kid. (numerous little people begin to crowd around them) (to Tammy) The kid was growing. He shot up two and a half inches in a month. (to all the little people) I woulda lost my job. Any one of you would have done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! I stood in for Punky Bruster when all of you was nothing. (seeing the crowd still doesn't agree with what he did, he points at Kramer) It's all his fault. (Kramer acts like he doesn't know what Mickey is talking about) It was his idea.
TAMMYCome on Johnny, let's go get something to eat.
MICKEY(in complete disgust as seeing Tammy leave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks at Kramer) AH!
KRAMERWhat?
MICKEYAH!
KRAMERMickey!
[SettingBack in Fulton's Hospital Room]
JERRYThis guy's belching out vitamins..
FULTON(dying of laughter and coughing) Stop.
JERRY(cont) and this whole justice league, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything?
FULTON(still laughing and coughing) Stop.
JERRYFor crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton?
[SettingBack at Monk's]
DAPHNEGeorge, first let me just say I've never been with a guy who was so committed to commit. I mean it's so rare in men these days an, that's what makes this all the more difficult.
GEORGE(happily) Difficult?
DAPHNEThe other day after work some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks and there was this crazy mishap and I wound up meeting someone as a result. George...
GEORGE(acting disappointed) Oh, please don't.
DAPHNEUh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst of it is it's someone you know. Jerry Persheck.
GEORGEPackyderm?
DAPHNEHeh, he was carrying these two pieces of pizza...
Jerry's Standup
JERRYThe bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going)