JERRYI love these nature shows, Ill watch and kind of nature show, and its amazing how you can always relate, to whatever theyre talking about. You know like youre watching the African Dung Beetle and youre going Boy, his life is a lot like mine. And you always root for whichever animal is the star of the show that week -- like if its the antelope, and theres a lion chasing the antelope you go, Run antelope Run! Use your Speed, Get away! But the next week its the lion, and then you go Get the antelope, eat him, bite his head! -- Trap him, dont let him use his speed!
ELAINE(to the phone) Well did he bring it up in the meeting?
JERRYElaine, see this T-shirt, six years I've had this T-shirt. It's my best one, I call him Golden Boy.
ELAINEYeah, I'm on the phone here.
JERRYGolden Boys always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here... touch Golden Boy!
ELAINENo thanks. (to the phone) Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
JERRYBut see look at the collar, it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
ELAINEWhy don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
JERRYNo!!! The reason he's the iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
ELAINE(to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! thats fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK, OK I'll be in soon! yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming! OK bye. (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
JERRYThe guy whos in the gulag?!
ELAINEYeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport on Thursday and pick him up in a limousine!
JERRYYou wanna barrow Golden Boy!
ELAINEOh! (pushing Jerry) Do you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy!
JERRYHey ya know I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War--What Is It Good For?"!
ELAINE... (looking at Jerry for a second then, mockingly nods her head back and forth) ....Ha ha ha ha.
JERRYNo, no I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to "War and Peace"!
ELAINEBut it's a line from that song!
JERRYThat's were they got it from!
ELAINEReally?
JERRYI'm not joking!
GEORGEYou can't handle the truth! (he salutes) (imitating Jack Nicholson [a.k.a. Col. Nathan R. Jessep], from the 1992 movie A Few Good Men)
JERRYWhat?
GEORGE(still in Jacks voice) I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth! (he salutes)
ELAINEWhat is this your mail? (She takes a magazine and starts flipping through it)
GEORGEYeah, I grabbed it on the way out, I don't want my mother reading it.
ELAINEOh! Your Alumni Magazine.
JERRYYour mother reads your mail?
GEORGEYeah.
JERRYWhat do you mean like post-cards an...?
GEORGENo, anything.
JERRYShe doesn't open...?
GEORGEShe'll open!
JERRYYou've caught your mother opening envelopes!
GEORGEYes.
JERRYWhat did she say?
GEORGEI was curious! (imitating his moms voice)
JERRYIsn't that against the law?
GEORGEMaybe I can get her locked up.
ELAINE(gasp) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni magazine! Listen to this Jerry Seinfeld has appeared on "David Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC called "Jerry" ...that was not picked up. Georgie, how come theres not anything about you in here?
JERRYHe can't handle the truth!
ELAINEAll right (slaps the magazine down on the counter) this is too much fun, I gotta get back to work. (heads for the door)
KRAMER(singing) Johnny Yuma was a rebel, Yeah! ...
KRAMERAre you all right?
ELAINEYeah. (startled)
KRAMERUnh.... Sorry.
ELAINEIts OK. (starts walking down the hallway)
KRAMERYeah. Oh, here, wait wait (walks a few steps to catch up to her as she stops) Ah, maybe you could ah, use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, here, it's a electronic organizer...
ELAINEWhat?
KRAMERAh, Yeah. uh...
ELAINEWh..?
KRAMERYeah, here it is... yeah.
KRAMERYou know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything.
ELAINEWow!
KRAMERIt's got an alarm that beeps!
ELAINEOh! I can't believe this, Kramer!
KRAMERYeah.
ELAINEI've been wanting to get one of these things! Are you sure that...
ELAINE...Are you sure you can't use this thing?
KRAMERNo no no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head)
ELAINEWhere'd you get this?
KRAMERWell, the bank, I opened up a new account.
GEORGEHey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
JERRYNo.
GEORGEI am such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showin' how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!
JERRYIt's a mammal.
GEORGEWhatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder?
JERRYYeah, got it from the bank.
KRAMER(overly excited) Hey (Claps hands one time)
JERRYHey.
GEORGEHey.
KRAMER(still overly excited) Who wants to have some fun!
JERRYI do.
GEORGEI do.
KRAMER(once again, overly excited) Now are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you reallllly want to have fun?!
JERRYI really wanna have fun.
GEORGEI'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
KRAMERRight now there six-hundred Titleists that I got from the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way and hit `em-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now picture this.... we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then....... ..... gulp!
GEORGECome on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?
JERRYYeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop.
GEORGEYeah, I'm gonna get a paper.
GEORGEKeep your head down.
KRAMERYeah! (Kramer takes a huge imaginary swing)
JERRY(he hits a few keys and looks over at her) Cash advance... yes (hits a key) no (he looks over again) balance inquiry... no (he looks again) receipt.... no (he looks again) processing... processing... (He opens the box, pulls out his money and then looks at the woman and says) I won!
DIANEJerry?
JERRYYeah.
DIANEIts Diane, Diane DeConn, from Queens college.
JERRYOh Diane.
DIANE(laughing a little) How are you?
JERRYGood, good.
DIANE(sighs) How long has it been?
JERRYSince college.
DIANEHuh. I've been seeing you on TV you're doin' great.
JERRYYeah pluggin' along.
DIANEYou know I got the Alumni magazine. What ever happened to your friend George? I notice I never see his name in there.
JERRYWell he's kind of modest.
DIANEHe was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere?
JERRYSure.
DIANEYeah? What field?
JERRYMarine biology.
DIANEGeorge is a marine biologist?!
JERRYYeah, pretty damn good one, too!
DIANEI can't believe it. I-I would never had thought
JERRYYeah... hes specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level, in whales all that blubber -- quite unhealthy. You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they don't have to be."
GEORGEDiane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
JERRYSomething huh?
GEORGEAhh! How'd she look?
JERRYShe looked great.
GEORGEAhh! (closes his eyes and rolling his head back) Umh!
JERRYShe asked about you.
GEORGEShe asked about me? What did- What did she say?
JERRY"How's George?"
GEORGEGeorge! She said George? She remembered my name. (loudly -- to a passing waitress and the rest of the restaurant) Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!
JERRYYeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with you.
GEORGE(pauses for a few seconds) OK, I'm tellin' you right now - if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that.
JERRYI got no problem with that.
GEORGEGood. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game we're finished!
JERRYExpect a call.
GEORGEOh my god he's not kidding. (exhale gasp)
JERRYNow, I should tell you that, at this point, she's under the impression that youre - a - ah
GEORGEA what?
JERRYA marine biologist.
GEORGE(pauses) A marine biologist?
JERRYYes.
GEORGEWhy am I a marine biologist?
JERRYI may have mentioned it.
GEORGEBut I'm not a marine biologist!
JERRYYes I know that.
GEORGESo?
JERRYWhy, you don't think it's a good job?
GEORGEI didn't even know it was a job.
JERRYOh it's a fascinating field!
GEORGEWell what if she calls me? What am I supposed to say?! (hand hits the table)
GEORGEAlgae, obviously plankton, hmhm. I don't know what else I could tell ya, ah, Oh I-I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles.
[Limo driving on the street -- then inside the limoElaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin']
LIPPMANWe have got you in a very nice hotel, I-I don't know how you like to work, but ah, I can arrange for an office if you like.
TESTIKOV(Russian accent) I work in hotel.
LIPPMANOh.
TESTIKOVis better.
TESTIKOVAway from all your little petty bickerings and interference.
LIPPMANYou know, Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces inspired him.
TESTIKOV(proudly) He did not need inspiration God spoke through his pen. Hu Hu Hu (pounds his fist lightly on his heart)
ELAINEOhh, That is so true! (clutches her hands to her chest)
LIPPMANYes.
ELAINEAlthough one wonders if "War and Peace" would has been as highly acclaimed as it was, had it was published under it's original title "War---What Is It Good For?"
LIPPMANWhat?
ELAINEYeah. Mr. Lippman. It was *his mistress* who insisted that he call it
LIPPMANElaine
[Background carsHonk Honk]
ELAINE"War and Peace."
LIPPMANElaine
ELAINE"War--What Is It Good For." (sings) Absolutely nothin' HUH! Say it Again! ahehehehe
TESTIKOV(quietly) Ahhuuh
ELAINE(spoken to Testikov) that's a song
LIPPMANIt (frustrated and trying to keep her from saying more)
ELAINEthey-they took it from Tolstoy.
LIPPMANNo. e-Elaine.
TESTIKOVWar--What Is It Good For?
LIPPMANIt-no- it's just her sense of humor.
ELAINENo its not. That really is true.
TESTIKOVWhat is that noise!
LIPPMANIts Not
ELAINEYes it is
LIPPMANNo Its Not!!
TESTIKOVThat noise!
LIPPMANit-it-its her purse.
TESTIKOVWhere is that noise? Its traveling up my spine! Into my Brain!
ELAINEOh, I
LIPPMANIt's coming from your purse.
ELAINEOh It must be my new organizer.
TESTIKOVThat noise!
LIPPMANYesTurn it off.
ELAINERight, I think its this
LIPPMANNo its the Button. Elaine
TESTIKOVI can not stand it!
LIPPMANIt's the button at the top, the top.
ELAINEOK. I dont quite know
TESTIKOVWill you Turn it off!
LIPPMANThe one at the top.
ELAINEYeah, Im gonna work on that
TESTIKOVAaach!
LIPPMANYeah Ohoo.
JERRYI did it for you.
GEORGEI dont know whatcha had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
JERRYYou know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley.
GEORGEWell it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
JERRYWell you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing and
GEORGELook, why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I-I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, I-I-I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. I mean maybe she just likes me for me.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERHey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs -- kicks the bag hard) I don't want em!
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERI stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out there!
JERRYWell what happened?
KRAMERI have no concentration!
JERRYWhat, what, what's wrong with you?
KRAMERSand, I can get rid of the sand. (he sits at the table, looking down his shirt) Look theres still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the pockets!
JERRYHey come on, you're getting it all over the floor!
JERRY(to the phone) Hello yeah yes it is really ah, ah Could you hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help her track down the owner.
GEORGEHow'd she find it?
JERRYShes waking down the street and it hit her in the head!
CORINNESo I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the sudden this thing comes flying out of nowhere and clonks me right on the head.
JERRYWow.
CORINNEYeah, So they took me to the hospital
JERRYYeah
CORINNEand they put me in this thing, that feels like a coffin, for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!
JERRYWell you have insurance...
CORINNEI wish!
JERRYUnbelievable!
CORINNEYeah.
JERRYWhat is with this thing.
CORINNE(hits the organizer) I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you could see why I would be interested in finding this person.
JERRYAbsolutely. You should not have to pay for that.
CORINNE(hits the organizer, picks it up and hits it on to the table -- shouting) Stop it! Stop it!
JERRYLet me have a look at this thing.
CORINNEYa know it was somebody told me they thought they saw that thing come out of a limousine.
JERRYTypical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can.
CORINNEBoy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button.
JERRYI would like to know what my names doin in this creep's organizer to begin with.
CORINNEYeah.
JERRYWho do I know who would have even been in a limousine yesterday anyway. Uhh-O h-owow!
KRAMERWha-- Oh, hey.
ELAINEHey, "great" organizer you gave me.
KRAMEROh, you liked it huh.
ELAINEIt wouldn't stop beeping, in the car so Testikov, through it out the window.
KRAMEROh. (continuing to itch and scratch from the sand)
ELAINEI transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm lost now, Kramer.
ELAINEWhat, what is it?
KRAMERThe sand, it's everywhere! (blows on his arm)
ELAINEOK I'll see you later.
KRAMERYei-
JERRYOh, there you are!
ELAINEThere you are!
JERRYSo?
ELAINESo?
JERRYSo what do you have to say for yourself?
ELAINESo what do you have to say for yourself?
JERRYWhy should I have anything for say for myself?
ELAINE"War-- What is it good for?"!
JERRYA-Ahahahahah. Who told you?
ELAINEA-hu hu hu hu. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! Hellooo!
JERRYYou told Testikov, (Elaine nods) that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War-- What Is IT Good For?"?
ELAINEUh-hu. And do you know what happened?
JERRYCan I take a guess?
ELAINEOh, Please.
JERRYOh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?
ELAINEWhat, how did you know that?
JERRYBecause I know who has it.
ELAINE(gasps) How did you find it?
JERRYBecause the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name, called me up, and we met!
ELAINE(gasps) Where is it, give it to me!
JERRYI don't have it!
ELAINEWhy not.
JERRYBecause she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill.
ELAINEBut I didn't do it. Testikov did it, he should pay for it!
JERRYHow much is Testikov getting from Pendant for this book?
ELAINEOne million.
JERRYWell that's a start.
GEORGEThen of course with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.
DIANEUh-Really?
GEORGEYeah, but if you still look closely you can see ah, a little bump where the nose use to be. huhuhuhu.
DIANEWow.
GEORGEBut enough about fish, huhuhu. I can discuss other things you know, ah architecture. Huhu. (makes a wide gesture with his arms)
JERRYYou know what room Testikov's in?
ELAINEYeah, 308. Oh, I'm crazy for doing this!
JERRYWell, you want your organizer back don't you?
ELAINEWhy are you so interested -- you want to take her out?
JERRYHey you know when Superman saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her!
ELAINEWell, you're not Superman.
JERRYWell you're not Lois Lane.
ELAINEOh. Listen, you got the tape-recorder.
JERRYYeah I got it. You sure you want to do this? (hands Elaine the tape recorder.)
ELAINEYeah I gotta get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the "New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not gonna pay for it.
JERRYOh, here she comes.
JERRYHi.
CORINNEHi.
JERRYElaine, this is Corinne.
CORINNEHello.
ELAINEHi, (sighs) you got the organizer?
JERRYAll right lets go. We'll meet you back down here in ten minutes, hopefully with the money.
DIANEYour parents must be so proud of you, George.
GEORGEOh, they're busting!
DIANEHmhm.
DIANEWhat are those people doing over there?
TESTIKOV(In a loud and cranky voice) What, Come in - come in - Come in Miss Benes! That is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring guest for my entertainment?
ELAINEUm, yes this is my friend Jerry. Um, he accompanied me, ya know (clears throat), single women in a big city can be dangerous, so
JERRYYeah. Th-That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble -- Zip, I'm gone. (makes a running motion with both arms and his right foot)
TESTIKOVYeah, Yeah. The sneakers. All the Americans with the sneakers. Always running from something. Ya ya, well Sit, stop running, Ehh. two minutes, I give you latest manuscript!
JERRYOh! Rimsky -- great great book if I may say so sir. I almost read the whole thing.
ELAINEHmm. (she nods in agreement)
CORINNEWhat!
HOTEL CLERKIf you can't thing off, I'll have to ask you to leave.
CORINNEI'm waitin for two people! (takes a drag on the cigarette)
HOTEL CLERKWell you can wait for them outside.
CORINNEYeah, (she blows smoke out as she speaks -- it rises as in front of her) I guess I'd better. I wouldn't want to take any attention away from the hookers!
HOTEL CLERKAll right, All right. Out, Out.
CORINNEWhatever you say, Cro..w-well!
DIANEWhat's going on over here?
WOMAN AT BEACHThere is a beached whale, she's dying.
VOICEIs anyone here a marine biologist?
TESTIKOVHere is latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same day. (smacks the manuscript into Elaines hand) On time please.
ELAINE(quietly) OK.
JERRYIt was nice meeting you
TESTIKOVAah.
JERRYyoure a real pleasure. (Jerry is being sarcastic)
TESTIKOVYa ya. (wipes his nose with a handkerchief)
ELAINEUh-Oh-ah, by the way Mr. Testikov um, do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and ah, my organizer started making noise and you threw it out the window?
TESTIKOV(quietly) yes. How could I forget? heehe.
ELAINE( laughs) Well um, would you believe that it actually, hit somebody in the head.
JERRYRight in the head! (leans in and points at Testikov)
ELAINEBoing! Hehe hehe. (makes a hand gesture to her forehead and away)
TESTIKOV(Shouting) What is that noise!
ELAINEOh thats nothing. Um and anyway um
TESTIKOVWhats going on Huh! (he grabs Elaines purse) That Noise!
ELAINENo, No that's my purse!
TESTIKOVThat Noise!
ELAINENo, get-get off my purse!
TESTIKOVAgh, its recorder!
ELAINENo that's Radio!
TESTIKOVHa! (he clicks the player off) You are spying on me!
CROWDCome on! Save the whale! You gotta do it!
DIANESave the whale George... for me.
GEORGESo I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on -- and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I-I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a Marine Biologist!
ELAINEGeorge Ive just reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!
GEORGEI know I was just telling them the story.
KRAMERWell come on George, finish the story.
GEORGEThe sea was angry that day my friends like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli!
GEORGEI got about fifty-feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling I realized, that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
JERRYMammal.
GEORGEWhatever.
KRAMERWell then, what did you do next?
GEORGEWell then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed like a cork and I found myself right on top of him, (ELAINE gasps quietly Ahhhh) face to face with the blow-hole. I-I, I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but, I knew something was there so I reached my hand in, felt around and pulled out the obstruction!
KRAMERWhat is that a Titleist?
GEORGE(Silently squinches his mouth and nods at Kramer)
KRAMERA hole in one eh.
JERRYWell the-the crowd must have gone wild!
GEORGEOhh yes, yes. Yes Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1, Hm. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me
KRAMER(quietly) Um-hm.
GEORGEkissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her that, I was not a marine biologist.
JERRYWow! What'd she say?
GEORGETold me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.
JERRYAll right lets go.
ELAINEWhat, are you in a bad mood?
JERRYAhhh got my laundry back.
ELAINEOhhh! Golden Boy?
JERRYHe didn't make it.
ELAINEI'm sorry. (pats him on the arm)
JERRYYea. (pulls at the t-shirt) This is Golden Boy's son Baby Blue.
KRAMER(to George) What's with you?
GEORGESand. It's everywhere
KRAMERYep.