ELAINEHey, do you believe I got Happy New Yeared today? It's February.
JERRYI once got Happy New Yeared in March.
ELAINEIt's disgusting.
JERRYIt's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out?
ELAINEReally cold.
JERRYScary cold.
ELAINEI don't know. What's your definition of scary cold?
JERRYThat. (pointing at George)
ELAINE(Laughing as she says it) What is that, ha?
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYWhen did you get that?
GEORGEThis week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex?
JERRYYou like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?
ELAINEHey, you can't even turn around in that thing.
JERRYLook at this
ELAINEHey George, can you feel this? Can you ...
GEORGEAll right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go.
ELAINEOh listen we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something.
JERRYYeah. (pointing at Elaine as he goes into the bedroom)
GEORGEWhat for?
ELAINEThese people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.
GEORGEWhy?
ELAINEBecause it's rude, otherwise.
GEORGEYou mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?
ELAINEYes.
GEORGESo you're telling me instead of them being happy to see me, they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. Ttst --You see what I'm saying?
JERRYThe fabric of society is very complex George.
GEORGEI don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.
ELAINEYa can't bring Pepsi. (Elaine starts putting on her coat and gloves)
GEORGEWhy not?
ELAINEBecause we're adults?
GEORGEYou telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh (snort), no way wine is better than Pepsi.
JERRYI tell you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.
GEORGEI just don't like the idea that any time theres a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.
JERRYYou know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.
KRAMERAll right, let's go. Who's driving? (claps his hands and rubs them together)
JERRYYou are. I can't get that thing in my car. (referring to George)
KRAMERUh huh.
JERRYWhere's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Just give me a little squeeze.
ELAINEJerry get off of me. Get off of ME! Get off, Get off of Me!
GEORGEHehehehehe (higher tone laugh, though still quietly )
JERRYYou're pretty comfortable up there eh, Bubble boy?
GEORGEOh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.
ELAINEYou know, I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine.
GEORGEOh, here we go...
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGEWhy don't we get them a couch? (Kramer laughs) Well rent a U-haul -- well bring em a nice sectional.
KRAMER(low tone)Yeahhehehehe
ELAINEWe should bring some cake. Will you stop off at the bakery?
KRAMER(low tone) All right, yeah.
GEORGEWhy don't you just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store?
ELAINERing Dings?
GEORGEHey, Ring Dings are better than anything you're gonna get at a bakery.
KRAMEROoooh I like Ring Dings.
ELAINEGeorge, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.
KRAMERHEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON! (shouting out the window)
GEORGE(to Kramer) It's a funeral procession. . . . (to Elaine) And I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit of the party. People be coming up to me, "just between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. What are we, Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay . . .
ELAINEOh, Kramer, thats the bakery. Stop here. Stop here.
KRAMER(low tone) All right.
ELAINEOkay, let me out. You, eh, whatever your name is
JERRYJerry.
ELAINEYeah, Jerry, Jerry -- come with me.
KRAMEROkay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes.
ELAINEYeah.
KRAMERAll right
ELAINEUmmm, I love the smell of bakeries.
JERRYMmm. Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie.
ELAINEMmm.
JERRYI love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing isn't it?
ELAINEYou know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
JERRYI'm looking forward to it.
ELAINEYeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you.
JERRYThank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'?
ELAINECHOCOLATE BABKA! That's their specialty.
JERRYLove that babka.
ELAINEYeah, yeah!
JERRYSo listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the cake box.
ELAINEWhy?
JERRYI don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string.
ELAINEYou think it's effeminate?
JERRYIt's a tad dainty.
ELAINEOh, we forgot to pick a number.
JERRYOh, see that's not fair. We-We were here ahead of all these people.
ELAINEI-cu-di-ge--You think I should go and ask her for hers?
JERRYAh, no, forget it.
ELAINENo, no no no, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here, and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask em. Come on. . . . Excuse me.
KRAMER(exhales) Well, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do?
GEORGEAh, Just double park.
KRAMERNo, no.
GEORGEWhy not?
KRAMERI'll get a ticket! Besides, what if somebody wants to get out of here?
GEORGEAre you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give em up.
KRAMERThat's a fallacy.
GEORGEAll right, I'll tell you what... why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?
KRAMERWhy don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car?
GEORGEBecause, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.
KRAMERSo what I'm going to leave the car running and the heat 'll be on.
GEORGEDoes the heater even work in this car?
KRAMERNo.
GEORGEOh, Hey, eh, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see
KRAMERI see.
GEORGEYou see, hu, ho ho.
ELAINEBut we were here ahead of you.
BARBARAHow do I know that?
JERRYWell we saw you come in.
DAVIDWell, that's easy for you to say.
ELAINEOh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.
CLERK46?
ELAINEWait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict?
BARBARAYes.
ELAINEOh my god. I, I know you. I-Im, I'm Elaine Benes. Do you remember we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.
BARBARAI'm on my way over there right now.
ELAINEYeah me too.
DAVIDYou're Jerry right?
JERRYDavid!
ELAINEWell, this is a little awkward, isn't it?
BARBARAYes it is.
ELAINEYou know we were here, ahead of you.
BARBARAYou're NOT getting my number.
JERRYOh so you still don't believe us.
CLERK47!
BARBARAThats Us.
ELAINEOhhh, OK, fine, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.
BARBARAWell, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . (turns to the counter) I'll have the chocolate babka.
CLERKYou're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our last one.
GEORGEAlright, what are we getting? It's hot in here!
KRAMEROoo, What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?
GEORGEWhat's that?
KRAMERWell its a Bordeaux. Robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais -- which is richer and fruitier. Ahh, here's one. Twelve dollars.
GEORGETwelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee you theyre not getting no twelve dollar cake.
KRAMERAll right look, I am going to have to pay you back later. I don't have my wallet.
GEORGE. . . Why not?
KRAMERBecause I don't like to carry my wallet. My Osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter. (makes a motion with his hips)
GEORGE"throws your hips off kilter" So where's your money? (pulls out his wallet)
KRAMERI never take it.
GEORGESo what do you do?
KRAMEROh, I get by.
BARBARASee you later (exits with the babka)
ELAINE & JERRYSee you later.
JERRYThat's the last babka. They got the last babka.
ELAINEI know. They're going in first with the last babka.
JERRYThat was our babka.
ELAINEYou can't beat a babka.
JERRYWe had that babka.
ELAINE(exhales) They're going to be heroes.
JERRYWell what are we going to do now. If we can't get the babka the whole thing's useless.
ELAINEWell how about a carrot cake?
JERRYCarrot cake? Now w-why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry.
ELAINEBlack Forrest?
JERRYBlack Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh.
JERRYHow about a Napoleon?
ELAINENapoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengele.
JERRYThat was our babka. We had that babka!
ELAINEWhat's this one?
CLERKThat, Cinnamon Babka.
ELAINE(gasp)
JERRYAnother babka?
CLERKThere's chocolate and there's cinnamon.
JERRYWell-well we got to get the cinnamon.
ELAINENo, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.
JERRYI beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser babka - I think not.
CLERK49?
ELAINEI'll have a cinnamon babka.
JERRYand a black and white cookie, for me. Peace!
CLERKThatll be 13.05
GEORGEAll right here you go.
KRAMERYeuu.
CLERKA hundred? I can't change that.
GEORGEYou can't - huhu, All right let's go.
KRAMERWait a second. I can get change.
KRAMERHey, anybody got change for a hundred?
GEORGEAre you crazy?! What are you doing?! You'll get us killed!
KRAMERWhat?
GEORGEDon't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows on top of us.
KRAMERAlright, Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change.
GEORGEI am not buying something just to get change.
KRAMERGeorge, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on.
GEORGEAll right, what are we doing?
KRAMERJust get some gum or something.
GEORGEPack of gum. Here you go. (hands the clerk a $100 bill)
CLERKWhat is it a hundred? I can't change a hundred.
GEORGEWhy not?
CLERKYou got to buy more than that.
KRAMERHere, get a newspaper. (Kramer hands George a Newspaper)
GEORGENewspaper.
CLERKNot enough.
KRAMERClark Bar. (Kramer starts tearing the candy wrapper open with his teeth.)
GEORGEClark Bar.
CLERKKeep going.
GEORGEWere up to two dollars here.
KRAMERHere, George, get a Penthouse Forum.
GEORGEI'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.
KRAMERWhy? No, thatll make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table.
GEORGEOh, that's nice.
KRAMERCome on, did you ever read one of these?
GEORGEIt's not real. They're all made up.
KRAMEROhh, it's real.
GEORGEWell you know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES! (grabs the forum from Kramer and walks over to the clerk) . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.
CLERK6.75.
GEORGEAh, great. All right, with the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now.
KRAMERAll right, all right.
MAN1(gibberish Arabic yelling) ...Big Coat! Big Coat!
GEORGEYes, Im Sorry, it's a new coat. It-it's Gore-Tex.
KRAMERYou better be careful with that thing... You'll start a war.
JERRYUhm, see the key to eating a Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than, vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only *Look to the Cookie* -- all our problems would be solved.
ELAINEWell your views on race relations are just, fascinating. You really should do an Op-Ed piece for the Times. (Op-Ed stands for Opinions and Editorials)
JERRYHmm. Look to the cookie Elaine... Look to the cookie.
ELAINE(looking in the box) Well what is this?
JERRYWhat?
ELAINEIt's a hair.
JERRYOh, oh take it back. Let's get another one.
ELAINENo, we're late as it is. I'll just take it off.
JERRYNo no come on really, get another one. Itll take a second.
ELAINEAlright, alright.
ELAINEExcuse me.
ManHey hey, I'm on line here.
ELAINENo noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake with a (quietly) hair on it.
CLERKYou have to take a number.
ELAINEWe waited fifteen minutes for this. Tst - YOU SELL ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry taking a number) youre gonna wait now?
JERRYWell, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it.
ELAINEWell it was a little hair. I took it off.
JERRYA little hair? Do you think that makes it better?
ELAINEWhat if it's your hair?
JERRYWhat if it's your hair?
ELAINE(Wh-wh) What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.
JERRYWho needs that misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof - takes your roots out. (pretends to pull hair out)
ELAINEOkay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number.
JERRYWell, maybe we should just forget about the cake?
ELAINENo I'm bringing cake! (looking worried and apprehensive)
GEORGEAll right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Whoopee Whoa! Imagine if we didn't bring the wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!
KRAMER(reading from the Penthouse Forum) "I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true" (exits to street) " A few weeks ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was"
GEORGEL-Look at this?
KRAMERAhh.
GEORGESomebody double parked and blocked us in. D-DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. Ohh-oh brother. No, no note. Can you believe this?
KRAMER"well of course I noticed it too with those cannibal breasts and pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock out." (turns the page)
GEORGEI really can not comprehend how stupid people could be sometimes. Can you comprehend it?
KRAMERNo, no I can't comprehend it?
GEORGEI mean we can put a man on the moon but we're still basically very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys that built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?
KRAMERWell yeah, yeah. He could build the rocket, but-but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in.
GEORGESo you really understand my point about building a rocket and double-parking.
KRAMERYeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other hand he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?
GEORGEMaybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard for basic human decency. Yeah this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini would circle the block six times looking for a spot?
KRAMERHow about Idi Amin, huh?
GEORGEIll tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the death penalty for double-parkers. If this is allowed to go on this is not a society. THIS IS ANARCHY!
KRAMERAre those shoes comfortable?
GEORGENo not really.
KRAMERCause they look comfortable.
GEORGEI know that's why I bought `em but they're not comfortable.
ELAINEWhy couldn't we just take the hair off and go?
JERRYNo. Thats out of the question.
ELAINEWhhhy?
JERRYBecause I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.
ELAINEWhat happened?
JERRYI'd rather not talk about it.
ELAINEYou can't tell me?
JERRYAll right . . . . I once found a hair in my Farina and I freaked out.
(*FarinaA meal or flour obtained chiefly from cereals, nuts, potatoes or Indian Corn, and used as a breakfast food.)
ELAINEYou found a hair in your Farina?
JERRYYeah.
CLERKS VOICE (off camera)56
ELAINEWhat happened?
JERRYWell I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina." Then I ran out of the house and I was running and running. And like I was little but I could run very fast. And I-I just kept running (In the background -- CLERKS VOICE 57) and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site.
ELAINE(quietly) Wow. Who's hair was it?
JERRYMy mother's.
ELAINE(quietly) Ahhhhh
CLERK58!
ELAINEOoo, That's us. (hits Jerry in the arm)
JERRYOh, good.
ELAINEYou sold us a hair with a cake around it. We'd like another one.
CLERK(coughing and coughing, getting really bad)
JERRYOh, that's lovely.
ELAINEAh,
JERRYThats what you want to see, yeah. . . . Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm.
JERRYYeah thats a good deal -- you win the Pennant with that trade, hair for phlegm.
CLERKHere you are. (hands Elaine the cake box)
ELAINEOkay. Alright we got the cake now. Where is George and Kramer?
KRAMERHEY DOUBLE-PARKER! (honk, honk) SHOW YOURSELF. (honk, honk) COME ON OUT, IM FREEZING! (honk, honk)
GEORGEWe are really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble.
KRAMERWhy?
GEORGEYou know -- Elaine.
KRAMERWhat about her?
GEORGE. . . I'm a little scared of her.
KRAMERYou're scared of Elaine?
GEORGEYes!
KRAMERWhy?
GEORGEDid you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late cause I bought a Panama hat -- she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top of it.
KRAMERHey, let's go inside the liquor store. Im freezin in here.
GEORGEWhy didn't you just wear a heavier coat?
KRAMERBecause I wanted to look good for the party.
GEORGEOh, Hey, hey, hey! That's great! That's very nice. You know we've been waiting twenty minutes for you people?! What do you think, you're Mussolini?!
MAN2Back off *Puff Ball* it's not my car! (shoving Georges shoulder, he turns and walks away)
GEORGEI wasn't talking to you.
ELAINEWait `til I get my hands on that George. I am gonna *pull* that big hood over his little head... tie the strings, and suffocate. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing.
JERRYHuh, wa?
ELAINEWhat's the matter with you?
JERRYI dont know, I don't feel so good.
ELAINEWhat's wrong?
JERRYMy stomach, I , think it was that cookie.
ELAINEThe black and white?
JERRYYeah.
ELAINENot getting along?
JERRYI think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.
ELAINE(mocking - in a dopey voice) Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?
JERRYOh my stomach. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
ELAINEWait, what about your vomit streak?
JERRYI know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.
ELAINEOh, oh! Ooh my god. Oh!
MAN3Sooory.
ELAINESorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're doing you, LUNATIC! (the man turns and walks away)
ELAINE(cont) ...uh, Jerry, I think he broke my toe. (Jerry gets up) W-Where're you going?
JERRYFourteen years down the drain. (points and walks off -- to the bathroom)
GEORGEDo you think chickens have individual personalities?
KRAMER(shivering) I don't know.
GEORGEIf you had like five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Bak, bak, baak, bak? Cause if they have individual personalities Im not sure we should be eaten `em. What's the matter with you?
KRAMER(shivering gibberish) Waj cha jia ja
CLERKCan I help you guys with anything?
GEORGEOh, no no no -- We bought the wine here before, but now, you know we're bl-blocked in by some car double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.
CLERKWell wait outside. This isn't a hangout.
GEORGEBut my friend here has hypothermia.
KRAMER(shivering) Hypothermia.
CLERKAll right guys, take it outside.
CLERKYou're paying for these.
ELAINEHow was it?
JERRYAs good as it gets.
GEORGEYou know that coat was Gore-Tex. Its worth a hell of a lot more than that, cheap Chardonnay.
KRAMER(shivering) You know I'm freezin. Im definitely freezin. I can't stop shaking.
GEORGEI'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car.
KRAMER(quietly) L-l (look)
GEORGEOh, my god that's Saddam Hussein. The dictator.
MAN4I wouldn't walk around without a coat in this weather; you'll catch your death of cold. So long. (waves to George and Kramer as they wave back at him.)
CLERKCan I getca anything else?
JERRYOh, no thanks.
CLERKHow about a nice box of "scram".
GEORGES-s-somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He eh, had a British accent though.
GEORGEWhat, what happened to you?
ELAINESomebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to put up your...
JERRYHey, what happened to your coat? And what is the smell? Is-ya, What are you drunk?
GEORGEI had to give it to the liquor store guy.
JERRYWhat for?
GEORGEI spilled some Chardonnay. So, what did you get?
ELAINECinnamon babka.
GEORGECinnamon? Why didn't cha get chocolate?
JERRYGeorge!
ELAINEHere, here's your cake. (just about tosses it at the woman)
GEORGEAnd your wine.
ELAINESee ya'.
JERRYSee ya'.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWe never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't believe they could land a man on the moon . . . and taste my coffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the face of the earth. "
JERRYI heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is actually lost through the top of the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat. But there's no hat that makes a statement quite like a hat with a flap. The hat with the flaps makes a statement like no other hat makes. This hat says to the world "I would rather have the heat in my skull rather than anything society could possibly offer." In fact I would say if you're on trial for a serious crime and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense, this is the hat to wear. Your lawyer should insist on it. [puts on the hat] Your honor, "The defense rests."