Jerry's Standup
JERRYYou know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But its really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesnt it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think Im not, just check it out." I dont know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and Ill give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what theyre talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants.
GEORGECan I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.
SASHATwenty five dollars.
GEORGEYes, well, you know, Im not thinking about the price. You know youre the only woman Ive never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.
SASHAGeorge, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem.
GEORGEWe do?
SASHAWe cant keep seeing each other.
GEORGEWhy?
SASHA(crying) Because its over. (sob, sob, sob) Its my parents George, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? (sob)
WAITERUh, have you decided yet?
SASHA(crying) Yes. Ill have the lobster.
GEORGEUm, you know Im starting to think that maybe lobster isnt the way to go.
JERRYThen he asked you out?
ELAINEWe started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart.
JERRYOn your heart?
ELAINEJerry, the man is a doctor.
JERRYDoctor? Hes a podiatrist.
ELAINESo, its the same thing.
JERRYAnyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.
ELAINEReally?
TAWNIHello.
JERRYOh hi.
TAWNIAre you going to be stopping by later?
JERRYYes, Ill be stopping.
TAWNIOk, see you later.
JERRYSee you later. (to Elaine) Well we cant all be dating podiatrists. (Elaine laughs)
GEORGEIts over.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYHow did you get in?
GEORGEKramer.
ELAINEWhats that? (points at some foil on the table)
GEORGELobster.
JERRYLooks like a swan.
GEORGEShe says we cant go out anymore.
ELAINEWhy?
GEORGEBecause Im not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents wont let her get involved with anyone who isnt Latvian Orthodox.
ELAINELatvian Orthodox? (gasps) Mmm, it is lobster.
JERRYShes limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.
GEORGEI know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well thats not entirely true.
JERRYOh, whatever.
ELAINEMmm, this is delicious.
JERRYMmm, succulent.
GEORGEShe knew I didnt have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didnt seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
ELAINEWhy dont you just ask her parents?
GEORGEI cant. I met them. Theyre devout. You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
JERRYTo Latvian Orthodox?
GEORGEWhy not? What do I care?
JERRYYou know its not like changing toothpaste.
ELAINEI think it would be romantic.
GEORGEReally?
ELAINEYeah, its like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
GEORGEKing Edward. (snapping his fingers) King Edward, Jerry.
JERRYYeah well King Edward didnt live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
GEORGEYou know what? I could probably do this. Whats the difference.
ELAINEGeorge I was just kidding around.
GEORGENo. I wouldnt even have to tell her. I could surprise her.
ELAINEGeorge I wasnt serious.
GEORGEHow hard could it be? You make a little contribution, you have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am really going to think about this.
ELAINEI guess this one is my fault.
JERRYOh yeah.
TAWNI(kiss, kiss, kiss) Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?
JERRYOh I dont know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing.
TAWNIWell it was worth it. (kiss) Ill be (kiss) right (kiss) back (kiss). Where are you going?
JERRYTo wash my hands. Theyre sticky from the orange.
TAWNIMeet you back here?
JERRYRight there.
JERRY(thinking to himself; picks up a tube) "Fungicide". Fungus?
JERRYFungicide. I mean what could she have?
ELAINEI dont know.
KRAMERFungus.
JERRYExactly
ELAINESo what did you say?
JERRYI said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home.
ELAINEI don't know, what were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?
JERRYI didnt open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.
ELAINEYou were snooping.
JERRYI was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldnt do that.
KRAMERI would. I always open medicine cabinets.
ELAINEWell I trust people not to do that.
KRAMERBig mistake.
JERRYWhy dont you ask that doctor what it is?
ELAINEWhat? Now hes a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.
JERRYBut thats what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. Theyre knee- deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus.
ELAINEI am not going to ask him about funguses.
KRAMERFungi.
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERFungi.
FATHER-PRIESTWhy do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?
GEORGE(ahem) In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um (trying to think of a word)
FATHER-PRIESTEnigmatic?
GEORGENo.
FATHER-PRIESTVast? (he pronounces it as "vost")
GEORGENo not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")
FATHER-PRIESTWell whatever it is, basically you like the religion.
GEORGEYes.
FATHER-PRIEST 2Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
GEORGE(he thinks) I think the hats. The hat conveys that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.
FATHER-PRIESTAre you familiar with Orthodox theology?
GEORGEWell perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah.
FATHER-PRIESTPlot?
GEORGEYes. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the commandments and all that.
FATHER-PRIEST 2Well its obvious that you are sincere in your desire.
GEORGEOh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in?
FATHER-PRIESTThe first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts (brings out a pile of books).
GEORGEAh hah. You see Father, Im Im incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, dont you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change?
SISTER ROBERTAOh Im sorry. Father, theres a man waiting in the chapel.
FATHER-PRIESTYou may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He is interested in joining the church.
SISTER ROBERTAOh are you? Thats wonderful. Well good luck to you.
GEORGENice nun.
FATHER-PRIESTNo, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a novice.
FATHER-PRIEST 2She wont be taking her final vows until next Thursday.
SISTER ROBERTAMay I help you?
KRAMEROh yeah, Im here to pick up my friend George Costanza.
SISTER ROBERTAWell hes in with the Father.
KRAMEROh yeah.
SISTER ROBERTAIm Sister Roberta.
KRAMEROh. Kramer. Pleasure.
SISTER ROBERTAMine. (she smiles at Kramer)
GEORGEI cant believe how easy it is. Im virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and Im in the club.
JERRYThats all there is to it.
GEORGEThats all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.
JERRYAnd when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
GEORGEBrother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
JERRYOh a slinky.
KRAMERSister Roberta gave it to me.
JERRYWhy did she give you that?
KRAMERI think she liked me.
JERRYWhat do you mean she liked you?
KRAMERLiked me.
GEORGEKramer, they like everybody. Theyre friendly people.
KRAMERNo. I think I picked up on a vibe.
JERRYYou picked up on a vibe, from a nun.
KRAMERYeah, Jerry Im telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it.
JERRYYea alright.
KRAMEROh, that's my phone.
JERRYOh hi.
TAWNIHi, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.
JERRY(weakly) A little better. (fake cough)
TAWNIIf you need anything let me know.
JERRYOkay.
TAWNIOkay.
JERRYAll right.
TAWNIBye.
JERRYBye.
GEORGEStory.
JERRYShes subletting Carols place for a month.
GEORGEYea, she likes you.
JERRYYeah but theres a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet.
GEORGESo?
JERRYSo I dont know what shes using it for.
GEORGEWell how do you even know its hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube?
JERRYI didnt even think to look.
GEORGEWell take a look. It might not even belong to her.
JERRYYeah.
GEORGEPeople always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.
JERRYYeah Ive got this old bottle of cough medicine.
GEORGEI still have brill cream.
JERRYHi
TAWNIHi.
JERRYHi. Can I use your bathroom?
ELAINEYou sure you dont mind?
DOCTORNo of course not. People ask me medical questions all the time.
ELAINEWell I mean the question isnt even for me its for a friend.
DOCTORElaine, Im used to it. Im a doctor.
ELAINEWell podiatrist.
DOCTORHuh?
ELAINENo no, Im just saying you didnt really go to medical school, you went to podiatry school. Which Im sure is very grueling in its own way.
DOCTORI went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with feet.
ELAINEI like feet too. Im just saying
DOCTORSaying what?
TAWNIHow are you doing in there?
JERRYFine all done, just looking for the soap.
TAWNINo soap?
JERRYNo I dont see it.
TAWNI(giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.
ESTELLEGeorge what are you doing in there?
GEORGEWhat? Nothing.
FRANKYouve been in there an hour.
ESTELLEYou dont feel well?
GEORGEIm fine.
ESTELLEI want to know what youre doing in there.
GEORGENothing.
FRANKGeorge, open the door.
GEORGENo.
ESTELLEGeorgie.
GEORGENo!
KRAMERHey.
SISTER ROBERTAGood evening. I hope Im not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like.
JERRYOkay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And Ill need that in the form of a question.
GEORGEI dont know. I cant believe theyre making me take this test.
JERRYHey, did you talk to the doctor?
ELAINENo.
JERRYAll right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the bottle of fungicide.)
ELAINEYou took her medicine.
JERRYNot on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When are you seeing him again?
ELAINEI dont know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists arent real doctors.
JERRYHow could you say that?
ELAINEIts you fault. You just got me thinking.
JERRYI was merely speaking extemporaneously.
ELAINEIve got nothing against the foot. Im pro-foot.
JERRYMe too.
ELAINEDo you think I should call him and apologize?
JERRYYes. Hes a doctor. (Elaine starts to leave. ) Wait a second. (Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaines purse.) (to George) What are you doing?
GEORGEWhat does it look like Im doing?
JERRY(Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what youre cheating on your conversion chest?
KRAMERI told you.
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERI told you she liked me.
JERRYWho?
KRAMERSister Roberta.
JERRYHow do you know?
KRAMERShe told me. She said shes never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. Shes questioning her faith. Shes thinking of leaving the church.
JERRYWow
KRAMEROh, uh, this power. Im dangerous Jerry, Im very very dangerous.
FATHER-PRIESTI must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of your conversion test. I dont recall having seen such an impressive performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
GEORGEOh, Im Im full of it Father.
FATHER-PRIEST 2(muttering something to Father-Priest 1) (mumble) Kramer (mumble)
FATHER-PRIESTYes, yes I see. (To George) Im sorry something has come up.
GEORGEOh, I understand. (George exits; Sees Kramer in the hallway) Hey.
KRAMER(rushed) Yea, Hey. (Kramer enters.) Um, you wanted to see me Father?
FATHER-PRIESTYes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me yesterday.
KRAMERI know what this is about Father. I didnt do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. Its just that, that I have this power.
FATHER-PRIESTYes. Kavorka.
KRAMERKavorka?
FATHER-PRIESTIt is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".
KRAMERI dont understand.
FATHER-PRIESTWomen are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.
KRAMERHelp me Father. Help me.
FATHER-PRIESTYes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces
JERRYWhat is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramers door) Ah hah.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey. What are you doing?
KRAMERIve got the Kavorka Jerry.
JERRYThe Kavorka? Whats that?
KRAMERThe lure of the animal. Im dangerous.
JERRYWhat is this thing around your neck?
KRAMERThe priests theyre helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.
JERRYYou know youre funcifying the whole building.
KRAMERKeep away Jerry. Keep away.
JERRYKramer. (knock, knock, knock) Kramer.
[At the entrance of the church. There is a sign there. It readsCONVERSION CEREMONY - FOR - GEORGE COSTANZA - 3P.M. The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.]
WOMANGeorge Costanza? Estelles son?
ESTELLELatvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
GEORGEFor a woman.
FRANKA woman? What are you out of your mind?
ESTELLEWhy cant you do anything like a normal person?
FRANKWait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
GEORGENo its a regular religion.
FRANKIm calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.
GEORGEI dont want to get out of it.
ESTELLEBu George, you dont know what youre saying. Youre under their control.
FRANKWhat, they brainwashed you?
GEORGENo no.
FRANKYoure not performing any rituals in this house.
ESTELLEGo back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
FRANKAnd stay away from those squirrels.
TAWNIOh how you doing Jerry?
JERRYGood. Whats the matter?
TAWNIIm tired. I hardly slept last night with all this scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.
JERRYBonkers?
TAWNIMy cat. Hes got this weird sort of skin condition. Some type of fungus, I couldnt find his medicine.
JERRYOh its your cat!
TAWNIWhat?
JERRYOoh, nothing.
FATHER-PRIESTAre you ready my son?
GEORGEYes faddah.
FATHER-PRIESTWhat did you say?
GEORGEWhat?
FATHER-PRIESTI thought you said faddah.
GEORGEI said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.
FATHER-PRIESTOoh, of course.
KRAMERHow you doing?
WOMANGet away from me you creep. (She walks away.)
KRAMERYes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta Ive still got time to catch her.
FATHER-PRIESTCongratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta would you please offer the final benediction.
SISTER ROBERTA(hesitates) I cant. (crowd murmurs) Im sorry. Its a beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else.
SISTER ROBERTAHim.
CROWDKavorka, Kavorka.
ELAINE(kiss, kiss) You know, because I love the foot. Im a big fan of the foot.
DOCTORWell its my fault. I got a little defensive.
ELAINEAnd that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe.
DOCTORIts my favorite toe.
ELAINELets face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? Youre not going to the ear guy.
DOCTORNo youre not.
ELAINEIll be right back.
DOCTOROh uh, wheres the bathroom?
ELAINEIts right down here to the left. I will uh meet you right back here.
JERRYElaine its her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube back.
DOCTOR(Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?
SISTER ROBERTASomethings wrong. I dont feel the same lure.
KRAMERYou dont?
SISTER ROBERTAWhat have I? I must return to the church. By the way you really need to take a bath. You stink.
KRAMERYeah yeah.
JERRYBut once you put medicine in your medicine cabinet you're never using it again. Any medicine you're using, is on the sink. It's not really even a medicine cabinet, it's really like an ointment museum isn't it? It's like here's a saff from 1983, some cream from the 70s. But you want to keep it private, because a medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses and it can really throw off the balance between two people that might be going out. Somebody peeks in there, "Oh I see Mr. Perfect needs tough actin' Tinactin. Well I guess I'll be calling the shots in this relationship from now on."
SASHAFor me?
GEORGEWell I didnt do it for my mother.
SASHAIm really flattered. But I just dont feel ready to make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.
GEORGELatvia?
SASHAYes. Im going to stay with some relatives there for a year. Isnt it great?
GEORGEEnjoy, enjoy.
SASHAOh George, you are so sweet. Dont ever change.
GEORGEId like a doggie bag for this please. (hands her plate to the waitress)