STAN...And then baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming and my brother who's been videotaping the whole thing turns green, his eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out, he drops the camera, the camera breaks, and then, the placenta comes flying out.
ELAINEWhoa.
STANAnd then doctor says...
JERRY(interrupting) Thanks, that's enough.
STANWill you look at that kid. Sucking away. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. Suck, suck, suck...
JERRY(Looking away) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
STANLook at that Jerry, look at that. Sucking, sucking...
JERRYYeah, I looked. I saw.
STANThis doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?
JERRYNo, Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) My friend's wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me uncomfortable?
STANLook at him.
JERRYSo how long do they do this?
STANJus, a year or two.
JERRYNo break?
STANAfter that comes the weaning.
JERRYSo after the sucking, comes the weaning.
ELAINEFirst the sucking then the weaning.
JERRYWell, you gotta wean.
STANGotta wean.
ELAINEMust wean.
GEORGEWhat about that spot I got?
JERRYYeah, I saw the spot.
GEORGEYou open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. Eh, You can't beat that spot. (starts doing a little dance) I am on a roll. I'm just willing these great parking spots.
JERRYGeorge...
GEORGEMaybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with. Huh, You can still get a great space in this city - if you apply yourself.
JERRY(to Elaine) Where's Kramer? Shouldn't he be here by now.
ELAINEDid you give him the room number?
JERRYYa, 1397.
KRAMER1937, 1937, 1937...
PATIENTExcuse me. Do you know where the elevator is?
KRAMERUh ya, it's right around the corner there.
KRAMER1937
KRAMEROh! God, It's a Pig man! A pig man!
STAN..So anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have something we want to ask you.
GEORGEYou gotta look at this. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me.
JERRYWill you shut up George.
ELAINEI'm taking a cab home. I can't this anymore.
JERRYYou were saying Stan? I-I'm sorry about that.
STANMyra and I would like you and Elaine to be the Godparents of Steven.
ELAINEHuuh, Wow.
JERRYMe? Godfather?
STANYes.
JERRY(a la "Don Corleone") Never go against the family, Elaine.
ELAINEWhat?
KRAMERHey, I just saw a pig man! A pig man! Ya know he was sleeping and then he woke up and he looked up at me an-and he made this horrible sound, this (Quells like a pig).
GEORGEKramer, what the hell are you talking about?
KRAMERI'm talking about the pig man. I went into the wrong room and there he was.
GEORGEA pig-man?
KRAMERA pig-man. Half pig, half man!
ELAINEThat's great Kramer... So-So, anyway, tell us what's involved in being a Godparent.
JERRY(a la "Don Corleione") Elaine, never ask me about my business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."
STANThe most important thing is you help with the bris.
JERRYThe bris?
KRAMERA bris? You mean circumcision?
STANYa.
KRAMERI would advise against that.
ELAINEWha, Kramer. It's a tradition.
KRAMERYa well, so was uh sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore.
JERRYWell, maybe we should.
GEORGE(knocks on the window) Hey, why are all those people milling around my car?
KRAMERI don't know.
JERRYMaybe they're admiring your spot.
KRAMERThey're all looking up.
GEORGEHey, there's a guy up the roof.
KRAMERWhoa. That's the guy that I told where the elevator was.
GEORGEOh well, I hope he doesn't jum...
GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER, JERRY, & STANOh my!
GEORGEMy car! My caaaaarrrr!
ELAINEA Mohel! What the hell is a Mohel?
JERRYA Mohel is the person that performs the circumcision.
ELAINEWhere am I going to find a Mohel? (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) Motels, models... How do you find a Mohel?
JERRYOh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have to hold the baby while they do it. That's a tough job. How would you like that?
ELAINEHey Jerry, you ever seen one?
JERRYYou mean that wasn't uh.
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYNo.. you?
ELAINEYa.
JERRYWhat'd you think?
ELAINE(shakes her head) No, had no face, no personality. It was like a martian. But hey, you know that's me.
JERRYHey.
GEORGEWell I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm going over to see that hospital administrator today. Someone is gonna pay for this damage and it's not gonna be me.
JERRYAh, you're screwed.
GEORGEI know, swan dives from twenty floors up, lands right on top. What do I got a bulls eye up there? He couldn't move over two feet? Land on the sidewalk. It's city property.
ELAINEWell I have to interview a Mohel.
JERRYHow about our little Elaine huh? Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Look at her now. Interviewing Mohels.
KRAMERYEA!
JERRYWhat's the matter?
ELAINEAre you alright?
KRAMERDon't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. (REPAPER) Look at that.
JERRYWhat now?
KRAMERLook look.
JERRY(Kramer shows Jerry and Elaine the paper) "Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so?
KRAMERpig-man, baby. pig-man.
ELAINEIf I hear about this pig-man one more time...
KRAMERHey, I'm tellin ya the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the fifties.
JERRYOh, will you stop it. Just because a hospital studying DNA research doesn't mean they're creating a race of mutant pig-men!
KRAMERJerry wake up to reality. It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
GEORGEI tell you something. I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of these pig-men walking around suddenly I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!"
JERRYBelieve me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men. Whatever the deformity is there's always some group of perverts that's attracted to it. "Oo that little tail really turns me on."
ELAINE(MUMBLES) That's just about enough
JERRYOh, what's the matter this doesn't interest you?
ELAINEOh, no, it's fascinating, but could you do me a favor, could ya tape the rest of the pig-men and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it the next time I'm here. I've gotta go find a Mohel.
KRAMERYou know, you should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.
ELAINEWell, perhaps one day when the pig-men roam free it will be stopped Kramer. Until then, off with their heads.
GEORGEBut Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?
KRAMERIt's a myth. Besides, it makes sex more pleasurable.
GEORGEYeah. So how does that help me?
JERRY(TO GEORGE) Hey George, you ever see one?
GEORGEYeah, my roommate in college.
JERRYSo what'd you think?
GEORGE(thinks for a second) I got used to it.
JERRYAlright, I'm waiting. I-I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig- man.
KRAMEROh, don't worry. I'm gonna show you, and you'll never be the same.
JERRYMaybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. (holds his nose up like a pig) You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.
KRAMERBelieve me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished "oink" of pig-man cries out for help.
JERRYWell, if I hear an anguished "oink", I'm outta here. I-I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human... (HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.) (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a second! (Grabs Kramer)
KRAMERWhat?!
JERRYOh, it's George.
GEORGEAlright the administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys back at the car.
KRAMERWait wait George. You got room in the car for the pig-man huh?
GEORGEThe pig-man can take the bus.
KRAMERGeorge, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride.
GEORGEHow do you know? What if pig-man had a two-seater?
KRAMERBe realistic George.
GEORGEI'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see you later.
KRAMERYea.
MRS. SWEEDLERMr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Doctors, patients, everyone, just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.
GEORGEWell, I join them in their grief.
MRS. SWEEDLERHorrible thing. Flew right past the children's wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the window, just traumatized by the incident. Apparently, they thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat...
GEORGEThat's where I come in. Umm, on splat. Uh, you see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler?
MRS. SWEEDLERMrs. Sweedler's fine.
GEORGEMrs. Sweedler thank you. Y-You see, this tragedy affected me in a very, very personal way.
MRS. SWEEDLERHow is that?
GEORGEYes, well you see, the deceased landed on my car. The uh splat, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now of course I can't help but feel that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy might have been averted but I've never been the kind of guy to buy a convertible, what with the baldness and everything.
MRS. SWEEDLERWell I have known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.
GEORGEYes but then everything is all pulled down and it's jus.. Anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering it virtually undriveable.
Mrs. SWEEDLER(STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame.
GEORGEYes, a shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity, and taking in the whole scope of the situation, I just can't help but think that, the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other, still living 'victim' of horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
MRS. SWEEDLERMr.Constanza.
GEORGEYes.
MRS. SWEEDLERA man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise -
GEORGEYes.
MRS. SWEEDLER... and you greedily, callously want to profit from it?
GEORGE(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET) Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimate that I'm not really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..
MRS. SWEEDLERGet out! Get out, now! Get out of my office.
GEORGEShould I leave this..?
MRS. SWEEDLERGET OUT!
KRAMERExcuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room before?
RESIDENTI don't know what you're talking about.
KRAMERYou know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB).
RESIDENTNo.
KRAMER(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you?
RESIDENTUh, Sir?
KRAMERLook, I know what's going on. The oink, oink.
RESIDENTYes well if you'll excuse me. I really have some patients I have to attend to.
KRAMER(TOUGH TALKING) Now listen to me you little quack, There was a half man, half pig in that room over there. Now where is he?! Where is he?!
RESIDENTHalf-what?
KRAMERYou know what I mean - pork, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a- deek th-th-th-that's all folks.
RESIDENTI think he's been released.
KRAMERHe's lying.
JERRYAlright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George.
KRAMERAlright you go ahead.
JERRYKramer.
JERRYWhere's the Mohel?
ELAINEHe'll be here.
JERRYHe's late already.
ELAINERelax. You'd think you were getting whacked.
JERRYI don't know why he asked me to be the Godfather. We're not even that close of friends. Just cause we're on the softball team, I'm the pitcher, he's the catcher he thinks we have a special relationship?
ELAINEI thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.
JERRYWell maybe in hardball with all the signals and everything but I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have any conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
ELAINEWhat about me? I mean I just watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.
JERRYDon't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.
ELAINEYes it is level jumping.
GEORGESo uh... been to a bris before?
WOMANNo.
GEORGEI've been to a few of em. If you uh start to get woozy later, which is quite common, stay close to me. I'll get you through it. (chuckles)
WOMANI'm a cardiologist. I think I'll manage.
GEORGEOh.
KRAMERWe're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is going to be his first memory. Of his parents just standing there while some stranger (Does some motions of cutting; Myra sobs more) cutting off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch.
STAN(Seeing Myra run away sobbing) Myra?
ELAINEKramer, what's the matter with you?
KRAMERMe?
ELAINE(to everyone) Oh, that's the Mohel.
ALL(ADLIB) It's the Mohel! the Mohel is here! Thank God, the Mohel is here.
ELAINEHello.
MOHEL(to Elaine) Hello, Hello (shaking hands with Jerry) Hello, I'm the Mohel.
JERRYHello.
MOHEL(cont'd) (shakes Stan's hand) It's very nice to meet you all... (A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS.) Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I almost had a heart attack! (THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY) (CALMING DOWN) Ok, I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris... (The Baby starts crying) (WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, 'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child 'cause this will be the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane!!!
ELAINEDid you find the place alright?
MOHELDid I find it alright? Could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, Because I'll be lying there and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll be lying in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like a mongrel, like an animal! God forbid anybody should help me or call an ambulance. Oh no, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point.
ELAINE(setting down her glass) Oh, ya haha.
MOHEL(TO ELAINE INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? .. Do ya? Huh?
ELAINE(to Myra) He's very highly recommended. So...
MOHEL(to George) You're holding the baby?
GEORGE(getting up out of his chair to get out of the Mohel's way) No, No.
MOHELHello! Who's holding the baby?!? Who's holding the baby?
JERRY(uncertain) Yeah. I'm holding the baby.
ELAINE(pushing Jerry over to the Mohel) Ok, go.
JERRYI'm going.
ELAINEGo.
JERRYI'm going.
ELAINEC'mon
JERRYDon't push me.
MOHELOkay. you sit here. Now I need the baby. Bring me the baby. I need the baby!
KRAMERNo, I'm not going to let this happen.
ALL(numerous voices) Kramer! Let go of the baby! Kramer!
MOHELPeople compose yourselves. (Shouting as the struggle ends) This is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show. This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This is a bris. An sacred, ancient ceremony, symbolizing the covenant between God and Abraham... or something. (The Mohel opens his bag to start the process but drops it and his instruments fall out. People attempt to help him out) No! Don't touch it! Don't touch a thing!
ELAINEOk.
MOHEL(muttering to Jerry).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life... Anyway.
JERRYHurry up George! Step on it!
GEORGEAlright, alright!
JERRYThat damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The Mohel circumcised my finger!
ELAINEYou flinched.
JERRYFlinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?
ELAINEOh how would he know. He blacked out. He fainted.
GEORGEIt was very traumatic. The last thing I remember is you flinching. Then, everything went black.
JERRYWho's got a tissues? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's my phone finger!
GEORGEBe careful, you're getting blood all over the car.
KRAMERWhat about the baby?
JERRYOh the baby's fine. They just took him to the hospital as a precautionary measure. But look at me. I'm the one who's hurt.
ELAINEWould you stop it? You're just gonna need a few stitches.
JERRYA few stitches? I've never had stitches. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me!
GEORGEHey look a that - boy are you lucky - another great spot - right in front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky are you huh? Is that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that huh? Come on, give it to me, give it to me.
GEORGEI have never seen a Mohel like that.
JERRYThat was a one in a million Mohel.
ELAINEI said I'm sorry.
JERRYLook at this.
KRAMEROh you'll be ok. I'll see you later.
GEORGEWha, where is he going?
JERRYOh well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! Nice job on the circumcision but it's not supposed to be a finger.
MOHEL(REJERRY) The circumcision was perfect. The finger was your fault! You flinched!
JERRYOh who made you a Mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?
MOHEL(HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) Ya See! He flinched again!
JERRYNice Mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva Mohel!
MOHELOne more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon.
JERRYOh don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.
MOHELButcher Boy?!
JERRYYa what was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING)
MOHELWhat was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)
JERRYIt was not!
ELAINEJerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife!
STAN(holding the Mohel back) Hey, hey what's going on out here? You two should be ashamed of yourselves, both of ya!
MOHELAh, blood.
ELAINEOh, how's the baby?
STANThere's nothing wrong with the baby.
MYRAThe circumcision went fine.
MOHELThank god the flincher didn't harm the baby.
STANAmen.
MOHELI will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No one ruins this for me. No one! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card.
KRAMER(off screen) Outta My Way!
JERRY(struggling to open a bottle with his bandaged finger) I can't do it. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy, They massacred my boy.
ELAINEYou really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even close.
JERRY(walking over the the buzzer to answer it) Oh, that's the Flicks.
GEORGE(ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. They stole it right in front of the hospital. I saw the guy drive off in it. Well he's about five feet tall, hairless, pink complexion.. (Elaine puts her finger on her nose) looks like a pig. Yeah, alright alright, thank you, thank you. (Kramer enters) So any word from the "pig-man"?
KRAMERNo.
GEORGENo. And he's not a pig-man is he?
KRAMERNO, he's not.. Just a fat little mental patient.
JERRYMyra, Stan.
MYRADon't touch him
JERRYWhat's the matter?
STANYou're out, Jerry. You're out as Godfather. You too, Elaine. You're both out.
ELAINEBut I didn't do anything.
STANNo, no buts. We made up our minds. (turns to Kramer) We want Kramer. He showed us how much he cares about Steven.
KRAMER(Leaving A LA GODFATHER) Don't ever go against the family Jerry.
STAN(grabbing Kramer's hand) Godfather.
MYRA(grabbing Kramer's other hand) Godfather.
KRAMERYes
*NoteDuring this closing monologue; Jerry's finger is bandaged the same way it was during this episode.