[settingNBC, pilot's set]
TOMWhat do you mean made up?
JERRYIt's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.
TOMYou're crazy.
JERRYNo I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?
MICHAELWhat do you mean Danish?
GEORGE(to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael)
JERRYDanish. Is it from Denmark?
MICHAELNo, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name.
TOMI can't believe that. They fooled *me* Jerry.
RITA(to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer, smiles stupidly)
GEORGEUh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling "take #!") This--This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more "They *fooled* me Jerry!". You see the difference?
TOMI'm not gonna say it like that.
GEORGEJust a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy)
YELLING GUY(with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All right everybody, take a five.
GEORGE(very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five!
JERRYGeorge? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines.
GEORGEWhy is that?
JERRYI don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing?
GEORGEOh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?
JERRYWhy would he steal a box of raisins?
GEORGEYeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously)
RITA(to Jay about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell?
RUSSELLWhat?
RITAYou O.K.?
RUSSELLYeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second. (he gets up and leaves)
SANDIWhat's the matter?
JERRYNothing.
SANDIYou're acting weird. Is anything wrong?
JERRYNo.
SANDIAre you breaking up with me?
JERRYAre we going out?
SANDIYou're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying)
JERRYDo you want me to break up with you?
SANDIIf that's what you want.
JERRYI don't even know what you're talking about.
SANDIFine. Break up with me.
JERRYAll right. We're broken up.
SANDI(little pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead and wondering what's going on)
GEORGERemember when you came to audition for us?
TOMYeah.
GEORGEThere was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left?
TOMWhat are you talking about?
GEORGEWell we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you--you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you.
TOMAre you accusing me of stealing the raisins?
GEORGEOh, no, no--
TOM(angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!?
GEORGENo you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)
TOMLet me give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.?
GEORGEMm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really.
RUSSELL(nervously, almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do? Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this. Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him)
DAVIDExcuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry.
RUSSELLAll right. All right. What's your name?
DAVIDDavid Richardson.
RUSSELLGet out! You're fired!
DAVIDBut Mr. Dalrimple--
RUSSELLDon't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell) What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell leaves)
[settingJerry's]
GEORGEThe doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.
JERRYAh! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying.
GEORGEWhat do you mean?
JERRYBecause I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing!
GEORGECome on you're... uh... you're fine.
JERRYThis show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this.
GEORGEWhat about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.
JERRYThis actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind.
GEORGEThe guy playing Kramer threatened me.
JERRYWhy?
GEORGE'cause I asked him about the raisins.
JERRYYou mentioned the raisins.
GEORGEOh yeah.
JERRYDid he take 'em?
GEORGEI don't know.
JERRYWell if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em?
GEORGEThat's what I'm trying to find out.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYAny luck?
KRAMERNo. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.
JERRYWhat about bran?
KRAMERI tried bran-- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me.
JERRYWell my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.
KRAMERPfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area.
JERRYOh, it's not that bad!
GEORGEYes it is.
ELAINEWell it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway.
JERRY(to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night?
ELAINENo. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit.
JERRYOh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you.
ELAINEJerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable.
JERRYWe need you there!
ELAINE(to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?
KRAMERNo. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves)
[settingNBC, pilot's set, the taping]
SANDI(to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher! Higher! Make a wall! A wall!
ASSISTANT DRESSERSandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?
JERRYTry Elaine.
ASSISTANT DRESSERElaine?
SANDIYes?
WILTONElaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember?
ELAINEOh, right.
WILTONWow! You know you haven't changed a bit.
MICHAELI can't remember my lines!!!
JERRYJust relax, you'll be fine.
MICHAELI can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em!
JERRYYou're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing!
MICHAELHelp me Jerry! Help me!
RITA(to Stu) Where is Russell?
STUYou know I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it.
JAYHe hasn't been well.
STU(to Rita) Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman.
RITAHow pathetic.
GEORGEThis is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up)
GEORGE(he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh.
TOMHow would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat?
PAT HAZELLAre you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right.
JERRYGood evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry--
JOE DEVOLA(getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and on the stage. The crowd is yelling)
[settingJerry's]
GEORGESic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?
JERRYYeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln.
GEORGEReally? What does it mean?
JERRYIt means "Death to tyrants".
GEORGEI can see that.
ELAINESee, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already?
JERRYNo, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal?
ELAINENah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it.
GEORGEYeah, me too.
JERRYHey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him?
ELAINENo.
JERRYStrange. Even not showing up at the taping...
KRAMERHey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!!
JERRYWell, well, well.
ELAINECongratulations.
KRAMERWell, thank you.
GEORGEYou went for the big "E".
KRAMERWet and wild.
JERRYAll right. Come on sit down. It's about to start.
KRAMEROh, yes.
ELAINEHey, what's this? Look. A wallet.
JERRYA wallet? Let me see that.
ELAINEHere.
JERRYAh, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time.
GEORGEShh! This is it!
JERRYHow do you like that?
(The show begins. There are three different settings while the show is on TV. Each line or descri...
(Jerry's doing his stand-up routine at a comedy club. There's the music theme and we don't hear w...
We see the title 'Jerry', then, sitting at the comedy club, we see
Micheal, Sandi, and Tom, and finally Jerry, and the four of them make a toast while it's written"Created by Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza".
ELAINEBravo!
GEORGEYou hurt me.
MICHAELHey.
JERRYHey George.
MICHAELNew sneakers?
JERRYYeah.
MICHAELWhat do you need new sneakers for?
JERRYI like sneakers.
MICHAELHow do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day.
JERRYNah, you're crazy anyway.
SUSAN AND ALLSION(to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael) George!
SIDWhat kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! (the houskeeper starts laughing)
MARLAJohn, what are you doing? Come back to bed.
JOHN(with a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with?
MARLAOoh, he's horrible! Horrible!
JOHNNevertheless...
THE DRAKEAh, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein!
ALLSIONHate the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna)
PINGI can't believe you liked him.
CHERYLI thought he was dark and disturbed.
PINGReal perceptive.
DONALDThis is a piece of crap!
MOTHERDonald, you used to like him.
DONALDWhat a sellout! Give me that remote!
MELNo, Donald.
KRAMERCome on Jerry, the commercials almost over.
JERRYAll right.
ELAINEYou know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler.
JERRYOh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin.
ELAINEReally?
JERRYYeah.
JERRYHello, Charles.
CHARLESHello. So, where do you want me to start today?
JERRYWhy don't you start in the bedroom?
CHARLES(to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...
TOMHey.
JERRYHey. The butler's here.
TOMHe is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house.
JERRYI'm not sending him to your house.
TOMWhy not?
JERRYBecause the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler.
TOMJerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do.
JERRYBut I don't want to.
KRAMERJerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.
JERRYYeah?
SANDI(from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.
JERRYCome on up.
CHARLESI need more Pledge.
JERRYMore Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house!
CHARLESWell, it goes fast.
SANDI(to Charles, very friendly) Hello.
CHARLESHello. (he goes back in the bedroom)
JERRYWhat's all this about?
SANDIWe had a date.
JERRYYou had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler?
SANDIWhy do I need your permission?
JERRYBecause he's my butler!
MORTYThat's terrific!
HELENHow could anyone not like him?
C.K.I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.
TIABut he picks his nose.
C.K.Nevertheless...
SAL BASSHe's a member of our health club. Isn't he?
SIDRAYeah...
SAL BASSYou know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?
JERRYEver notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?
JERRYYou know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you".
[settingback to Jerry's]
ALL(applauding and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah!
ELAINEWow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.
JERRYLet's go out and celebrate! (they all get up)
ELAINEThat was so good.
JERRYCome on let's eat something. (phone rings)
ELAINEYou know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich!
GEORGEDo you really think so?
ELAINEOh yeah.
GEORGEAnd God didn't kill me.
JERRY(to the phone) Hello?
RITAHi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson.
JERRYOh, hi Rita.
RITAI'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network.
JERRYOh, my God. Did he get fired?
RITATo be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared.
JERRYRussell's disappeared?
RITAIn any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show.
JERRYYou're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago!
RITAWell, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.
JERRYYeah, see ya. (he hangs up)
ELAINEWhat-- What are you looking at me for?
GEORGEIt was you!
ELAINEWhat did I do?
JERRYDo you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?
ELAINEI didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault.
GEORGEYes it is! You're very charming!
ELAINEI can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he?
JERRYNo one knows.
[settingGreenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler]
RUSSELLShe works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time, she'll respect me.
MAN ON RAFTYou'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires)
[settingMonk's]
JERRYHey look at this. What is going on here?
GEORGEWell, well, well.
ELAINENothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here?
FREDOh no. That's why we're here. We're checking things out.
PAULYeah, we're checking it out.
ELAINE(to Paul) You're checking it out?
MAN(to Fred and Paul) See you back at the office, guys.
Mr. VISAKIFred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows.
ELAINE(to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this!
Mr. VISAKIGet away with what?
ELAINEAh, "with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike.
Mr. VISAKIOf course they're alike. They're my daughters.
ELAINE(embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters.
GEORGEYou must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.
Mr. VISAKIOh, here's a table for you.
GEORGEA table right here.
Mr. VISAKIPeggy!
GEORGEPeggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve.
JERRYWhat a family!
Mr. VISAKIMy daughter Peggy.
GEORGEAh! Peggy. Good to see you.
ELAINEHi Peggy.
GEORGEThank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow?
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEStart looking for a job.
KRAMERYou know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea.
GEORGEAre you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts.
[settingGreenpeace raft]
MANKeep fighting matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes! I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye!