Jerry's Standup
JERRYYou can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery. Then you can get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin' Alright, gimme everything you have, too''.
GEORGEYou met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
Jerry's Standup
JERRY(flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
GEORGE(laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYTonight.
GEORGEWhat's her name?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI... don't... know...
GEORGEHow could you not know her name?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish...
JERRYLook at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...
GEORGEOh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYYeah, I did that too.
GEORGEYeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYSure.
GEORGEAlright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWow!
GEORGEHu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...
Jerry's Standup
JERRYY'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle.
GEORGEReally? Who?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYNobody you know...
GEORGEMaybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWhy don't you put it in the *bank*?
GEORGEThe *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score!
Jerry's Standup
JERRY*Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...
KRAMERYeah... All right....Ya got it, eh.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYYes I did.
KRAMERYes.
GEORGEWhat's with the gloves?
KRAMERWell, I'm staining my floors, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty...
GEORGEHuh. What, the whole apartment?
KRAMERThe whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWood is good.
KRAMERDefinitely.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYSo we're still going to the health club to play racquetball right?
KRAMERYeah, yeah, whenever you're ready.
JERRYO.K., soon as Elaine gets here.
KRAMERYep.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWhat, you rented "Home Alone"?
GEORGEYeah.
JERRYI thought you saw that already...
GEORGENo, I saw "Home Alone II".
JERRYOh, right... But you *hated* it!
GEORGEWell I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind if I watch it here?
JERRYWhat for?
GEORGEBecause if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.
JERRYAll right.. Go ahead.
JERRYYeah?
ELAINE(on the intercom) It's me, are you ready to go?
JERRYNo. Come on up.
KRAMERI can't work with these!
JERRYWhat's wrong?
KRAMERWell, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...
JERRYYou said "gloves"...
KRAMERNo, no, these are too thick. (removes the gloves/tosses them on the kitchen counter)
KRAMEROooh, is that "Home Alone"?
GEORGEYeah. The *original*.
ELAINEHey Boys-O!
EVERYONE(in unison) Heyyyyyyyy.
KRAMERHey, how's it goin'?
ELAINEHello.
JERRY(to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let's get going.
ELAINEWell wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans.
JERRYWhat?
ELAINEeh, Remember Roy, the artist?
JERRYOh, the "triangle" guy.
ELAINEYeah, exactly, the "triangle" guy.
JERRYYeah, you liked him. What happened with him?
ELAINEYeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don't know a little too...
JERRYArtsy?
ELAINEFat.
JERRYOh. (unh - very quiet sigh)
ELAINEHe was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEAnyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him.
JERRYWhat's wrong with him?
ELAINEUnh, something with his spleen. Anyway it'll just take five minutes, O.K., and then, the hospital is right on the way.
KRAMERYeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought)
JERRYAll right we'll wait for you.
KRAMERYeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there huh, yea.
ELAINEListen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.
JERRYOh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.
ELAINEWell...
JERRYWell I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.
ELAINEAha ha ha (laugh)
KRAMERAll right, lets go.
JERRYAll right (picks up his sports bag)
KRAMERYep yep yep.
ELAINEWhat's with him?
JERRYY'know a lot of people have asked that...
ELAINERoy!
ROY*Elaine*! What a *surprise*. (sitting up)
ELAINE(gasp) Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognize you! You look so...
ROYYeah, ya know, I've lost some weight...
ELAINEA *lot* of weight. (enthusiastically)
ROYI know.
ELAINEAha hu, You look *terrific*.
ROYThank you. So do you.
ELAINEAh hahaha hhuu ha (flirty laughing)
ELAINEAh, This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.
ROYThank you.
JERRYJerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice)
HOSPITAL VOICEOVERDoctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.
WOMANAHAaaaaaaaaa! (scream)
KRAMER(a bit startled) Ahh.
HOSPITAL VOICEOVERDoctor Wittenberg, Outside call.
KRAMERAh, the mother lode! (the door squeaks a bit as he pushes it open)
ELAINEI can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you...
ROYYesss, I remember.
ELAINEAhahaha. Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight.
ROYElaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you.
ELAINEMe?
ROY(quietly- yeah) After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks.
ELAINE*Get* *out*!
ROYReally, it's the truth.
ELAINEJerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks...
JERRYThat's terrible...
ELAINEI had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.
ROYYou did.
JERRYYou know I can't get this *damn thing* to sleep. (about the Yo-Yo)
ELAINENow listen Roy, tell me something. When, are you gettin' out of here?
ROYNext Thursday.
ELAINEOkay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...
JERRYHoney... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?
ELAINENo that's the week after.
JERRYNo, I believe it's next week.
ELAINEYou're wrong.
JERRYNo I'm not...
ELAINEShut up...
KRAMERPay dirt! (holding up the hand full of gloves. He looks behind himself as the door closes)
ELAINEUh Roy, this is uh Kramer -- he's one of our friends.
ROYOh, How do you do?
KRAMERYeah... I do great, yeah.
DOCTORHi Roy.
ROYOh, hey Dr. Siegel.
JERRYHey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the Yo-Yo]
KRAMERHeey.
JERRYI *just* learned that. (proudly holding the Yo-Yo)
DOCTORA-hu. (The doctor is at a loss)
DOCTORI just wanted to stop by -- see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.
KRAMERAh, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um -- What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?
DOCTORAre you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?
KRAMERI sure am.
DOCTORWell that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that retractor in your friend's procedure.
KRAMERBut you *will* use... a retractor.
DOCTORWe have to...
KRAMERMmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back to the group.)
DOCTORTell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?
KRAMERI'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
JERRYI dunno...
KRAMEROh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open -- His guts'll be all over the place...
JERRYYeah, that's true...
KRAMER...They'll saw through bone. Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...
GEORGETtu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu.
JERRYHey.
GEORGEHi...
JERRYWhat are doing, you crying??
GEORGENo... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve)
JERRYYou crying from "Home Alone"??
GEORGEThe old man got to me.
JERRYAlright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display.
GEORGEOh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the tape back in it's case.)
JERRYOh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home and start working on his floor.
GEORGEOh. How's the guy?
JERRYOh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.)
GEORGEHnh. That's nerve...
JERRYYeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants. (takes a sip of water)
GEORGEY'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome." He falls ill; she falls in love.
JERRYYou mean Florence Nightingale. **
(** Footnotesee short bio at end of script **)
GEORGEWhat'd I say? Clara?
JERRYYeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. **
(** Footnotesee short bio at end of script **)
GEORGEClara Barton? What did she do?
JERRYI'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water)
GEORGESusan B. Anthony** I think I'd have a problem with.
(** Footnotesee short bio at end of script **)
JERRYYeah, I think you would.
GEORGESo, you gonna buy his art?
JERRYNo. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars.
GEORGEYeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.
JERRYI will.
GEORGEY'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.
JERRYNo, it isn't. I can find out.
GEORGEYeah? How?
JERRYThere are ways.
JERRYY'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", and-hu "Seinsmelled"...
WOMAN"Seinsmelled"?
JERRYYeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
WOMANAre you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy?
WOMAN(con't) Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.
WOMANOh, oh Jerry...
JERRYOh... *you*...
GEORGENow let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...
JERRYNo.
GEORGERest... Sest... Hest...
JERRY"Hest"? That's not a name.
GEORGEWhat, you should've just asked her.
JERRYI know, I should've asked her.
GEORGEWhat're you gonna do now?
JERRYI dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.
GEORGEAretha! (points finger at Jerry)
JERRYNo...
GEORGEBovary! (points finger again at Jerry)
JERRYAlright, that's enough. (sips coffee)
GEORGEAlright, well you know what'cha gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards, driver's license...
JERRYHow am I gonna do that?
GEORGEWhen she goes to the bathroom.
KRAMERAh, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?
JERRYYou asked a date to go to the operation?
KRAMERYeah... So c'mon, (smacks hands and rubs them together) what d'you say?
GEORGEWhat kind of operation is it?
KRAMERSpleenectomy.
GEORGEIsn't that where they remove the--
KRAMERNo No, Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Ah-C'mon, what d'you say?
GEORGEMulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry -- Kramer watches the exchange back and forth)
JERRYMulva? (waves off George with his hand)
KRAMERC'mon, C'mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
JERRYAlright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll watch 'em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee)
DOCTORNow we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse-- retractor.
JERRYWhat are you eating?
KRAMERJunior Mints. Do you want one?
JERRYNo...
KRAMERNow, I can't see..... Psst.... Psst...
KRAMER... Cou, ye, ge...
KRAMERY-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them)
JERRYWhere'd you get those?
KRAMERThe machine. You want one?
JERRYNo.
KRAMERHere, take one.
JERRYI don't want one.
KRAMERNo, they're good! Take one..
JERRYI don't want any!
KRAMERJust take one.
JERRYNo! Stop it! Kramer, stop it!
[As they struggle to force the Junior Mint on each other, Jerry pushes Kramers' hand away and -- ..."Bingo" -- with a small "splat" sound -- falls into Roy, the patient. The surgical team looks around puzzled as to what just happened -- but they continue on with the operation)
JERRY(pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in?
KRAMERGe--
JERRY...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient!
GEORGEWhat do you mean "into the patient"?
JERRYInto the patient, *literally*!
GEORGEInto the hole?
JERRYYes, the hole!
GEORGEDidn't they notice it?
JERRYNo!
GEORGEHow could they not notice it?!?
JERRYBecause it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.
GEORGEW-ca-What did they do?
JERRYThey sealed him up with the mint inside.
GEORGEThey *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?
JERRYYes!
GEORGEI-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.
JERRYYes they *eat* them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEIt's me.
JERRYCome on up.
KRAMERHey. This wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge!
JERRYWhy did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the mint!
KRAMERWell, I didn't believe you.
JERRYHow could you not believe me?!?
KRAMERWell who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's *delicious*!
JERRYThat's true.
KRAMERIt's very refreshing!
JERRYWell, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...
ELAINEPrognosis... negative.
JERRYPrognosis *negative*!?
ELAINEHe's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled.
JERRY and KRAMEROh, my God...
ELAINEJust my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits.
GEORGEIt's that bleak? (pours a glass of milk)
ELAINEMmm... (Elaine goes to the bathroom)
GEORGEY'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...
JERRYWe gotta confess.
KRAMERReally?
JERRYYes!
KRAMERWe could be tried for murder...
JERRYI can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! **
(** Footnotesee short bio at end of script **)
KRAMERYou're not gonna say anything, you got that?
JERRYI'm telling and you can't stop me!
KRAMERYou're *not*!!!
GEORGEHey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth.
JERRYOh yeah, that's the spot...
WOMANWhat're you so tense about?
JERRYOh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.
WOMANWhat?
JERRYMulva?
WOMANMulva?
JERRYOh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she's a masseuse.
WOMANhuh.
JERRYYeah.
WOMANUm, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
JERRYOh, good idea...
WOMANWhat are you doing?
JERRYOh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint.
WOMANOh, I have Junior Mints.
JERRYNo! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you, nah...
KRAMERAny news?
JERRY[whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here.
KRAMEROh.
JERRYOh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.
KRAMER10-4.
JERRYO.K. (closes the apartment door)
WOMANOh, hello.
KRAMERHello, I'm Kramer.
WOMANNice to meet you.
KRAMERSee you later. (He promptly turns and leaves)
WOMANWell, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. (Grabs her coat.)
JERRYOh, okay.
WOMANY'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis.
JERRYOh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget.
WOMANMm. Bye Jerry.
JERRYBye.
WOMANOh, hi.
GEORGEOh, Hi, I'm George. (they shake hands)
WOMANOh, Nice to meet you, George.
GEORGEYeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any word on the "artiste"? (puts a video in the VCR)
JERRYNo, I haven't heard anything.
GEORGEHehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch)
JERRYReally...
GEORGEYup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.
JERRYYeah, I'm sure...
JERRYWell, I-I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.
GEORGENo-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
JERRYWhy?
GEORGEEhh, You could get in trouble.
JERRYLook, I gotta try and help the guy.
GEORGEWho are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?
JERRYYes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...
GEORGEW-What? What?
JERRYOh, that's *fantastic*!
GEORGEHe didn't get better, did he?
JERRYThank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!
GEORGEWhere's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain.
ROYYou saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what'cha did for me.
GEORGEOh, well th-that's great. It's really great. Hm hm mm.
KRAMERY'know, art's a great investment.
ELAINEAnd they're gonna look great in your apartment, George.
GEORGEYes I look forward to many years of... looking at the triangles. Well, I'll ah, I'll wait for you outside.
ROYHey, George...
GEORGEYeah.
KRAMERAwe, alright
JERRYThat's nice.
GEORGEThanks Roy.
ROYHeeyy - there's the guy who saved my life. (points at the doctor.)
DOCTORY'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but, I think there were other factors at play here.
JERRYWhat do you mean?
DOCTORI have no medical evidence to back me up but, something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps, from above...
KRAMERMint?
DOCTORThose can be very refreshing.
ROYSo Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? (takes a big mouthful of spaghetti)
ELAINEUh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the, Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerrythe boyfriend?)
JERRYI don't think so...
ELAINEWe are... that means that we ah, we are...
JERRYI believe we're not...
ELAINE(Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go to the Poconos?
JERRYWell, I'll think about it...
WOMANGreat seats. You could see the actors spitting.
JERRYReally...
WOMANUh-huh. And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.
JERRYOh, Wait a second, you got her autograph?
WOMANYeah.
JERRYDo you have it with you?
WOMANYeah, it's in my purse.
JERRYAh, Le'me see. (hands Jerry the playbill)
WOMANY'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. (stands up, a quick kiss on the cheek and hugs him.)
WOMANOh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [opens the playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads autograph] .....Joseph Puglia...
WOMANI had it autographed for my uncle.
JERRYYeah, I-I know...
WOMAN(licks he lips) You don't know my name, do you?
JERRYYes I do.
WOMANWhat is it?
JERRYIt-it rhymes with a female body part.
WOMANWhat is it?
JERRYMulva...
JERRYAub, ah, Gipple?
JERRYLoleola?
JERRYOh! Oh! *Delores*!
JERRYAges zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know the ones I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven year old kid could actually taste the difference between like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown it's more of a mellower flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.
JERRYProduce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
JERRYI was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish... JERRY Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...
JERRYY'know I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle.