GEORGEOh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?
JERRYWell, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over...
GEORGEMaybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.
JERRYYeah, how about a mute?
GEORGEA mute would be good.
JERRYAh, where you gonna meet a mute?
GEORGEThis is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.
GEORGEI dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...
JERRYA deep, yawning chasm...
GEORGEThere's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
JERRYListening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
ELAINEHey boys!
JERRYHey! How you doin'?
ELAINEGood. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.
GEORGEStart what?
ELAINEI signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.
GEORGE*Really*.
ELAINEYeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.
GEORGEVolunteer work, huh?
JERRYWhat're you gonna do down there?
ELAINEWell, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.
JERRYThat's what I do with him [points at George]
GEORGEWhen did you get this idea?
ELAINELast time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.
JERRYWhat, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?
GEORGEAnd... and anybody can do this?
ELAINEYup.
GEORGEHelping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!
ELAINE[To Jerry] What about you?
JERRYNah, it's not for me.
ELAINEJerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.
GEORGEWhat *kind* of a person are you?
JERRYI think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.
AGENCY REPThis is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding.
GEORGEWell, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.
AGENCY REPGood luck.
JERRYThank you.
GEORGEHey, what's your guy's name again?
JERRYFields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy?
GEORGEBen Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?
JERRY*We*? No.
KRAMERSo what's up, Diggity Dog?
JERRYGeorge and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.
KRAMEROh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.
JERRYWhat're you talkin' about?
KRAMEROh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERIt's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.
JERRYWhere do you *get* this?
KRAMERThe alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.
NEWMANKramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?
KRAMERI'm in here. C'mon...
JERRYHello, *Newman*...
NEWMANJerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?
KRAMERWell--
JERRYWhat records?
KRAMERWell, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.
NEWMANYou know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!
KRAMERYeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--
KRAMERY'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.
GEORGELet me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
NEWMANI'm a United States postal worker.
GEORGEAren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
NEWMANSometimes...
JERRYWhy *is* that?
NEWMANBecause the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!
RONI'll give you five bucks.
KRAMERFive bucks???
NEWMANWell, you know how much those records are worth!?
RONYeah, I do... Fi' dollars.
NEWMANThose records are worth more than five dollars!
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...
NEWMANYou're gyppin' us!
RONWell, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...
KRAMERWait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
NEWMANThey follow him like a cult.
KRAMERHe can't even walk down the street in South America...
RONLook, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] I don't like it...
NEWMANI don't like it.
RONWell, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.
NEWMANAlright, well be back... *jack*!
JERRYHi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
HOUSEKEEPERAgency?
JERRYYeah, is this Sid Field's residence?
HOUSEKEEPERSid Fields.
SIDWhat the *Hell* is it?
JERRYMr. Fields?
SIDWhat!?!
JERRYHi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
SIDAgency? What agency? The *CIA*?
JERRYNo, no, the--
SIDWho let you in here?
JERRYThe woman, she--
SIDOh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...
JERRYMr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.
SIDOh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]
JERRYNo, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--
SIDI can't read that you fool...
JERRYWhat's all this stuff?
SIDTrash. Garbage.
JERRYYou're throwin' this out??
SIDI believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.
(You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent K-Tel "classic""22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also.)
JERRYYou don't want any of this?
SIDWell if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*.
JERRYYou know I have some friends who would really like to have these.
SIDWell, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.
JERRYWell, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...
SIDWith you? I'd rather be dead.
JERRYWell, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.
SIDGood. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!
BENNo, I feel great for 85.
GEORGEY'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.
BENI'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.
GEORGEYou don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...
BENI'm grateful for every moment I have.
GEORGEGrateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...
BENI guess I just don't care.
GEORGEWhat are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!
GEORGEWait a second, where are you going?
BENLife's too short to waste on you.
GEORGEWait a minute, please--
BENGet out of my way...
GEORGEBut Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...
ELAINEMrs. Oliver?
MRS. OYes my dear.
ELAINEOoh!
MRS. OWhat's the trouble? Are you alright?
ELAINEYeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
MRS. OIt's my goiter, isn't it?
ELAINEDid you say goiter? What goiter?
MRS. OThis football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.
ELAINEOh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...
MRS. ODoes it bother you?
ELAINEBother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.
JERRYC'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...
ELAINEI don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.
JERRYThey really should mention that in the breakdown height, weight, goiter.
ELAINEY'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.
JERRYYeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.
ELAINEHey Georgie, what happened with your guy?
GEORGEI don't think it's gonna work out...
JERRYWhattya mean?
GEORGEHe fired me.
JERRYHe fired you?!?
ELAINE*How* do you get fired from a volunteer job?
GEORGEI dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!
JERRYWell, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.
ELAINEI wish I could quit...
JERRYSo quit!
GEORGEYeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
KRAMERWell, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...]
JERRYWhat happened?
NEWMANFive dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.
KRAMERHey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store.
NEWMANThat guy thought we were a couple of total squares.
JERRYOh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...
KRAMERHey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!
JERRYWell you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...
KRAMERWait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??
JERRYYeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.
KRAMEROkay...
NEWMAN[In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!
KRAMERYeah...
JERRYBut you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.
KRAMERYeah, but you've gotta come with us.
JERRYYeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...
GEORGESenegal?
GEORGESo you don't speak *any* English at all?
HOUSEKEEPEREnglish? No.
SIDHey, what are those bums doin' back there?
JERRYWell you said they could come and take the records.
SIDIt's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.
GEORGEYou don't speak *any* English?
HOUSEKEEPERNo English.
GEORGEI would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!
JERRYSo Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--
SIDHey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.
KRAMERNow calm down, Mr. Fields...
SIDNow don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little...
KRAMEROooow! He's biting me!
SIDMy teeth! My teeth!
JERRYWhere's his teeth! Where's his teeth!
GEORGEI thought I saw something fly over here...
JERRYWell turn the light on...
JERRYThat's the garbage disposal!
SIDMy teeth! You idiots!!!
MRS. OAnd we would take long automobile trips--
ELAINEOh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...
MRS. OStaring out the window--
ELAINEUh huh...
MRS. OYou'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--
ELAINEWell, that'll get you goin' right there...
MRS. OBig, roaming cows--
ELAINECows, well that's fascinating...
MRS. OThat's when I began my affair with Mohandas.
ELAINEWhat?
MRS. OMohandas.
ELAINEGhandhi?
MRS. OOh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--
ELAINEYou had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]
ELAINEOh, my God... The Mohatma?
RONTwenty bucks.
NEWMANTwenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?
RONWell, take it or leave it.
NEWMANTake it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!
RONNow what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...
NEWMANYou are nothing but a piece of crap.
RONPardon me?
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...
NEWMANA piece of crap.
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...
NEWMANI find you extremely ugly.
RON*Do* you?
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...
NEWMANYou emit a foul and unpleasant odour.
RONOh, is that right?
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you...
NEWMANI *loathe* you.
RONThat's it. Get out of my store!
KRAMER[In Newman's ear] Make us.
NEWMANMake us!
RONOh, I'll make you!
AGENCY REPDo you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.
JERRYYes, but--
JERRY[Into intercom] Yes?
TIMIt's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.
JERRYAlright, c'mon up.
JERRY[To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.
AGENCY REPWhy were you taking him to the dentist?
JERRYUm, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--
AGENCY REPWhat were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?
JERRYWell, after he bit my friend--
AGENCY REPBit your friend?!
TIMWhat the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?!
JERRYI, I'm sorry.
TIMAnd who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?
JERRYWell, I brought them up there to take his records--
TIMTake his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?
KRAMERHey.
JERRYThere you are. Did you find him?
KRAMERNo, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.
NEWMANIt was a real melee.
KRAMERYeah, a real brouhaha...