% A night at the Improv. Jerry receives some disturbing news from the managerThe show has been delayed.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYYou don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 950, I'm not gonna be able to make it!
KERNISI hear you, guy.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYAnd I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material!
% In the background is the plot complication of the weekBuckles. The manager assures Jerry that Buckles isn't on the menu. He just hangs around hoping that somebody drops out.
KERNISWhy don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYNo, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate'' at 1030.
BUCKLESHey, Jer!
Jerry's Standup
JERRY[not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... [and out the door]
GEORGEExcuse me, do you have a ticket?
MANNo.
GEORGEOkay. Good.
% Misunderstanding number oneWhen Jerry shows up at the other comedy place, the manager tells him his spot was for 915, not 950. The manager had no choice but to give Jerry's spot to...
BUCKLESJerry!
JERRYWhat are <you> doing here?
BUCKLESHey, do you think this is funny? ``Why do they call it athlete's foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!''
ELAINEI've been *dying* to see ``CheckMate''.
GEORGEWell, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy.
ELAINE``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie!
GEORGE``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great!
ELAINEOh, <come on>. That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid!
GEORGELemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it.
% Apparently, a movie that can be interpreted on two levels. Misunderstanding number twoKramer joins George and Elaine after looking for them at the Paradise Twin around the corner. Elaine hates the Paradise because it's a multiplex; she'd rather see a movie on a big screen. Something catches Kramer's eye.
KRAMERListen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King.
GEORGE & ELAINENo, wait!
GEORGEYou're not going to get back here in time!
KRAMERI'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!
ELAINEYou can get a hot dog in the theater.
KRAMERI don't wanna get a movie hot dog! [in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog!
ELAINEKramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row.
KRAMERWell, just save me a seat.
ELAINENo! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident!
GEORGEI'm in line to buy.
ELAINENo, George, this is the ticket-<holders> line.
GEORGENo it's not, it's the ticket-<buyers> line.
ELAINEThen how come we're not moving?
KRAMERGood question.
GEORGEIs this the ticket holders line, or the buyers?
MANHolders.
GEORGEBut I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no!
MANI didn't. My friend was getting it.
GEORGE[furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that.
ELAINECan you believe him?
KRAMERHe's spaced out.
ELAINEHow long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line?
KRAMER[thinks for a while]
ELAINE[gives up] Yeah, exactly...
% The movie has sold out. ``Real good, George. Real good.'' It's now 1020, and Kramer suggests they go watch the 1045 showing of "CheckMate" at the Paradise. Elaine enters whine mode.
ELAINEI don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater!
GEORGEIt's the same movie! What's the difference?
ELAINEIt's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.
JERRY[to taxi driver] Take the Park!
BUCKLESNo no no, take 55th.
BUCKLESJerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish!
JERRY[rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end] Okay, I get your point!
BUCKLESI had a point?
GEORGEHey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
ELAINESigh/Ugh.
GEORGEI wouldn't mind seein' <that>.
ELAINEYeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
GEORGESo what's your point?
GEORGEBy the way, you owe me seven fifty.
ELAINEOh, all right. Can you break a twenty?
GEORGENo, I don't have any change.
ELAINEOh, well, then I'll pay you later.
GEORGEOr, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later.
ELAINEYeah, you *could*...
GEORGEMight be easier.
ELAINEI mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.
GEORGE[trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better] Either way.
ELAINEYeah.
GEORGESo... Can I have it?
ELAINEI tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda.
GEORGEWhaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda?
ELAINEI will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even.
GEORGEI tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.
ELAINE[exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength.
GEORGEYou go in and save seats.
ELAINE[in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!
BUCKLESJerry, I want you to have this piece of material.
JERRYThat's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices.
BUCKLESJerry! Don't start up with me!
JERRYI gotta get out of this cab...
BUCKLESBut Jerry, quit riffing!
JERRYNo, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference?
BUCKLES[pause] Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?
ELAINENo, these are saved.
MANAll of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* seats.
ELAINEWhat, is that a rule?
GEORGEWell, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway.
ELAINE[stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her] No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken. [to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it.
GEORGEWhy don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.
ELAINECan we do this later, George?
GEORGEPsh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders] I, I trust you.
KRAMERCould you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay?
ELAINENo, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!
WOMANWhich one?
ELAINEThese two and this one. ... No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!
ELAINEOh, take 'em.
GEORGEUm, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?
CLERK... flared nostrils?
GEORGEYeah.
CLERKNope, haven't seen him.
BUCKLESJerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months?
JERRYYour trench coat in my closet?
BUCKLESJerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world.
BUCKLESWe should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot.
JERRYNo thanks, maybe some other time.
BUCKLESReally? Do you really mean that?
JERRYNo, I don't.
BUCKLESYou liked the athlete's foot bit, right?
JERRYNo. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.
JERRYHi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick?
USHER[indicates ``okay'']
KRAMERHey, did that guy show up?
CLERKThe guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth...
KRAMERNo, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils.
CLERKHaven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left.
WOMANSo I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else but my Alan would do something like that?
WOMANAnd then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to ``A Chorus Line'', I mean you can see he's got talent.
ELAINE[annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me.
WOMANWhat's the problem?
ELAINE[momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident] You're talking.
WOMANIt's the ``Coming Attractions''.
WOMANSo anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe...
USHERTicket, sir?
GEORGEUh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend?
USHERDo you have your stub?
GEORGE[as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'?
USHERMm hm.
GEORGEYou don't remember me?
USHERIt's a big city, sir.
GEORGEI went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' hair, face like a frying pan?
GEORGE[whispering] Elaine? [loud whisper] Elaine! [louder whisper] Elaine!
GEORGE[quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine!
NARRATORThe Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.
NARRATORIt's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. ``Rochelle Rochelle'', now playing at Paradise 2.
ELAINEUh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?
CLERKDo you want the Medium size or the middle size?
ELAINEWhat's the difference?
CLERKWell, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo.
ELAINE[momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small?
CLERKThere is no small. Small is Medium.
ELAINEWhat's... medium?
CLERKMedium is Large, and large is Jumbo.
ELAINEOh-kay. Gimme the large.
CLERKThat's medium.
ELAINERight. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn?
CLERKThere is no small. [flash of perky inspiration] Child-size is small.
ELAINEWhat's `medium'?
CLERKAdult.
ELAINEDo adults ever order the child-size?
CLERK[chuckling] Not usually.
ELAINE[laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'.
CLERKDo you want butter?
ELAINEIs it *real* butter?
CLERK[perkily] It's butter-*flavored*!
ELAINE[exasperated] What is it made of?
CLERK[perkily] It's yellow!
JERRY44th and 9th.
DRIVERHave you got a cigarette?
JERRYNo.
USHERTicket, sir?
GEORGEWe've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had this exact same conversation a minute ago!
USHERI need to see your stub.
GEORGE[realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub.
GEORGEThere you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets.
USHERTicket, sir?
KRAMERUh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. I'm late, and she's inside.
USHERGo ahead.
KRAMERIs that seat taken?
Woman Behind ELAINEIt's all yours.
DriverI'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline.
JERRYGasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off?
DRIVER[taken aback] No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'!
MANYou're soaking wet. Who are you?
ROCHELLEMy name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.
MANHere, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, you'll catch cold.
ROCHELLEOh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open.
ROCHELLEOh, that's much better. Much...
ELAINEI just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!
USHERThere's a seat in the front row.
ELAINENo no, I can't sit in the front row.
USHERWell, you're going to have to wait, then.
ELAINEI can't stand around here for *two hours*!
USHERI could let you see ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
ELAINE[heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks.
ELAINEOh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?
USHERHaven't seen him.
% From his pocket, Kramer digs into his treasured Papaya King hot dog. Then discovers the source ...He's sitting on a coat.
JERRYHey, did I make it?
KERNISSorry.
JERRYOh, great. That's great. What a night.
ANNOUNCERPat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles!
JERRYYou got my spot?
BUCKLESThat athlete's foot bit killed!
JERRYReally...
BUCKLESDo you think I need to lose some weight?
JERRYWeight? Naw. Just need some more height.
JERRYMy whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...
BUCKLESCome on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
JERRY``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh?
BUCKLESA young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.
JERRY[his interest piqued] Minsk?
ELAINEOh, gimme a break!
JERRYElaine?
ELAINEJerry!
JERRYElaine!
VOICE[whispered] Shut up.
GEORGEJerry?
JERRYGeorge?
GEORGEElaine?
ELAINEGeorge! [waves hi]
JERRYHey, where's Kramer?
VOICE[whispered] Will you shut up?
ELAINEI don't know. Does this movie stink or what!
JERRYLet's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya.
BUCKLESYou're leaving?
JERRYYeah.
BUCKLES[holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month.
JERRYI don't want the coat.
BUCKLESJerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay!
GEORGE[studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.
JERRYI didn't even use the ticket!
GEORGEI still paid for it!
JERRYI only have a twenty.
ELAINEThat's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that?
KRAMERIt was on the seat...
ELAINE*YOU* took my seat!?
GEORGEYou uh owe me for the ticket.
KRAMERYeah, right...
ELAINEWhat is that stain [on my coat]?
KRAMERIt's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty?
I always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot. It's embarrassing. It's an embarr...``Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the <beginning>... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. [whispering to imaginary friends seated around him] ``Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him.''
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWhat's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Didja ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen... and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, he's a hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move three feet. 32 seconds) JERRY You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another
JERRYNo, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference? BUCKLES (pause) Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?
JERRYNo. No. I was kidding. It's terrible. JERRY Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick? USHER (indicates "okay")
JERRYGasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? DRIVER (taken aback) No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'!
JERRYWeight? Naw. Just need some more height. JERRY My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...
JERRYElaine! VOICE (whispered) Shut up.
JERRYHey, where's Kramer? VOICE (whispered) Will you shut up?
JERRYYeah. BUCKLES (holding out his coat) Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month. JERRY I don't want the coat.
JERRYI always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot. It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit, but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie guy from the (beginning)... Ohhhhhhhhhh..." Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. (whispering to imaginary friends seated around him) "Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him."