ELAINEBah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...
Jerry's Standup
JERRYHey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could you shut-up?
ELAINEHey guess what? This window doesn't work.
JERRYI hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... [pause] Or is that you?
ELAINEGimme ten bucks and find out...
JERRYSo, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to see your sister...
ELAINEYeah, worked out good.
JERRYAnd here's the beauty--
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYGeorge is pickin' us up at the airport.
ELAINEGet out of here! Why?
JERRYYou know that awning outside my building?
ELAINEYeah...
JERRYHe's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.
ELAINESo what happened?
JERRYHe didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it... So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me anything.
ELAINEHey, how we doin' on time?
JERRYTimed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane...
ELAINEHey! Wait up!
JERRYHey! Wait up!
DRIVERSorry. Heh heh heh...
SKYCAPWhere you goin'?
JERRYUh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills for a tip. You got anything?
ELAINEYeah, you want five?
JERRYGimme ten.
ELAINEYou're giving him *ten* dollars?
JERRYWell, we got three bags.
ELAINEThat's a pretty big tip...
JERRYThat's what they get!
ELAINEThey don't get that much.
JERRYLet's ask him.
ELAINEWe can't ask him...
JERRYLet's see what he says.
ELAINEJerry, we don't have time for this...
JERRYTwo seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip.
SKYCAPDepends on the person, depends on the bag.
JERRYUh, how about a couple of people like us.
SKYCAPPeople like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like you know what you're doing...
JERRYC'mon, seriously...
SKYCAPWell, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag.
ELAINEWhat!?
SKYCAPThat's right.
ELAINE*Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so.
SKYCAPLook, you asked, I told you.
ELAINEYou got some nerve trying to take advantage of us...
JERRYAll right, look, we're late. Thank you very much...
ELAINEYou're lucky I don't report you...
SKYCAPJFK...
SKYCAP...Honolulu.
ELAINEWait up!
JERRYYou see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!
JERRY & ELAINEThe flight's been canceled?!?!
TICKET LADYEverything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- I have two seats into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right now.
JERRYWe'll take 'em!
ELAINEWe're not going to sit together?
JERRYWell, so what? It's not that long-- you'll read.
ELAINEWell, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.
JERRYWe'll call him...
ELAINEThere's no time.
JERRYNo time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?
TICKET LADYThere's no time.
JERRYThere's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane.
TICKET LADYI have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.
(The two have that uncomfortable politeness that only comes about when you're down to the last pi...)
JERRYI'll take the first class.
ELAINEJerry!
JERRYWhat?
ELAINEWhy should you get the first class?
JERRYElaine, have you ever flown first class?
ELAINENo.
JERRYAll right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't...
ELAINEYou flew here coach.
JERRYYeah, that's a point...
ELAINEAll right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway.
JERRYYeah, I'm sure you'll live.
ATTENDANT #1Third row right...
ATTENDANT #1Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.
JERRYBon voyage, Lainey!
(Elaine is robbed of her peek into the first class section by a drawn curtain and she goes to her...)
PASSENGER #1Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're sitting in my seat...
PASSENGER #1I never check my bags-- I can't stand that wait in the baggage area.
ELAINEGreat... [To herself] Help me...
(Jerry gets to his seat, however, he also is in the wrong seat)
TIAExcuse me, I think you're in my seat...
JERRYOh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... *you*!
GEORGEHey, thanks for coming with me.
KRAMERHey, what made you think you could touch that awning?
GEORGEI confused it with another awning.
KRAMERSo how we doin' on time?
GEORGEWe're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. (starts looking around) What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
KRAMERWill you relax?!
GEORGEOh, I had it perfectly timed out the Grand Central, the Van Wyck! You destroyed my whole timing!
KRAMERThis is the best way to go!
GEORGEDo you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks...
KRAMERGeorge, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man...
GEORGEReally?
KRAMERIf anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to go to the Duty Free shop.
GEORGEThe Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. Do you know how much duty is?
KRAMERDuty.
GEORGEYeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is?
KRAMERNo, I dunno how much duty is.
GEORGEDuty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...
KRAMERI still like to stop at the duty free shop.
GEORGEI like to stop at the duty free shop.
(They start to "sing", growing more excited after each iteration)
GEORGE & KRAMERI like to stop at the duty free shop!
TIASo, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'', and I say, ``I thought this was an ad for shoes''...
JERRYOh my...
TIAIs that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.
JERRYWow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... What is this an ad for?
TIASee those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus?
JERRYUh-huh...
KRAMERHow does it look on your side? [Pause while George just stares at him] We'll get there...
ELAINEOh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful.
[On the bright side, Kramer and George arrive at the airport. They're running to the terminal
GEORGEThey're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!
KRAMERLook at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!
GEORGELook, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already.
KRAMERNo, there it is, right there-- 133... and it's canceled.
GEORGECanceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here!
KRAMEROk, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter.
GROSSBARDOh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 830... [He leaves]
KRAMERDid you see that guy?
GEORGENo... What guy?
KRAMERThat guy.. He was just...
GEORGEListen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my name!
KRAMER[still lost] I know that guy...
PRISONERGotta get my Time magazine... Never miss my Time magazine.
GUARDYeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here.
PRISONERHey, I was gonna take that!
GEORGEGee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
PRISONERI don't care when you got here, I want the magazine...
GEORGEYou don't understand, there's a *blurb* about me in this magazine!
PRISONERA *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!
GUARDAll right, let's go...
PRISONERI want the magazine!
GEORGEUmm... No.
PRISONERYou know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...
GEORGEBut you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is!
KRAMERThey're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia.
GEORGELaguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...
KRAMERWhere do I know that guy from?
ELAINE[To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake* *up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...
JERRYOh my... that *is* refreshing...
ATTENDANTWould you care for some slippers?
JERRYSounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them on her] May I?
TIAPlease!
JERRYWhy, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.
GEORGEMy name is not mentioned in this blurb...
KRAMERIt's Grossbard!
GEORGEWho's Grossbard?
KRAMERWhen I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. Then one month, he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He took the cash and >pfffft< disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard!
GEORGEHey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago...
KRAMERNo, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy...
GEORGENo-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... we must go forward... not back.
[Elaine is still waiting to get into the bathroom-- there's someone in there. *Finally*, a ZZ Top...``I open the door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me--''. Elaine takes in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.]
JERRYTia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there.
ATTENDANTThey're gardenias, mostly.
JERRYI thought I smelled lilac.
ATTENDANTYes, there are a few of those, too...
TIAIt's almost overwhelming...
CAPTAINLadies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize for any inconvenience...
ELAINE[To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd he say?
GEORGEWell, You're not gonna believe it...
KRAMERWhat?
GEORGEThe plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes.
KRAMERLet's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- it tolls for thee.
ATTENDANTWe have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, my personal favourite. Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.
JERRYOh, saffron! That sounds good.
ATTENDANTAnd today we're featuring wines from the *Tuscany* region...
JERRY & TIATuscany!
ELAINEHi. Can I get to my seat?
ATTENDANTYou're just gonna have to wait...
ELAINEBut you just passed it. I'm sitting right there next to that guy...
ATTENDANTYou're not supposed to get up during the food service.
ELAINEWell, nobody *told* me that!
ATTENDANTLook. This plane is *full*. I got a lot of people to serve. Now please... You're just gonna have to wait.
GEORGEThere it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time.
KRAMERGrossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I *still* got time to catch him!
GEORGEHow you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded the plane already.
KRAMERGimme your credit card.
GEORGEMy credit card?
KRAMERJust gimme the card, don't ask me any questions.
GEORGEI'm not gonna give you my card unless you tell me what it's for!
KRAMERI'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get on that flight.
GEORGEWhat, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard.
KRAMERNo, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna get my money, I'll get off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.
GEORGEThis is a *great* idea! Here... use this one. I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get *double* the bonus miles.
ELAINEExcuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through. There's no way to get around that cart...
PASSENGER #1You're not supposed to get up during the food service.
ELAINEI'll try and remember that. [Pause] Where's my meal?
PASSENGER #1He asked me where you were, and you were gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats.
ELAINEExcuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal.
ATTENDANTAre you sure?
ELAINEYes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food had been served to me.
ATTENDANTWould you? Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.
ELAINEKosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is.
PASSENGER #1I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected it, or something.
PASSENGER #2No, no. It all has to do with the way they kill the pig.
PASSENGER #1They don't eat pigs!
PASSENGER #2They do if it's killed right-- under a Rabbi's supervision.
PASSENGER #3Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher meal.
ELAINEThen why didn't you take it?
PASSENGER #3I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.
ELAINEYou're eating my food!
ATTENDANTLook, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it, or not.
JERRY & TIAMmmmmmmm!
TIAThis is the best sundae I've ever had.
JERRYOh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom-- y'see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream.
TIAI've never met a man who knew so much about nothing.
JERRYThank you...
JERRY & TIAMmmmmm!
ATTENDANTMore anything?
JERRYMore everything!
KRAMERLook, I got Super Savers! C'mon.
GEORGESuper Savers? Are they refundable!?
GEORGEYou bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!
KRAMERShe talked me in to it-- she said it was the best deal.
GEORGEDo you know how much this is going to cost me?
KRAMERLook, I'll tell you what-- I'll split it with you
GEORGELook, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...
ATTENDANTExcuse me... Excuuuse me...
ELAINEWhat? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.
ATTENDANTWhat is your name?
ELAINEElaine Benes?
ATTENDANT[Checks her list] You're going to have to go back to coach.
ELAINENo, but there was nobody sitting here...
ATTENDANTYes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive.
ELAINEOh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods] Oh, you got *cookies*!
ATTENDANTYou're going to have to go back to your seat!
ELAINEOk, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*! [She goes through the curtain to, ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*!
JERRYWhat is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. [To attendant] What is going on?
ATTENDANTSir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first class.
JERRYOh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security-- there really should be a locking door.
KRAMERHey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!
JERRYCouldn't be...
JERRYWhere are they already? I don't see them anywhere... I got my bags, I'm ready to go.
ELAINEYeah, *you* got *your* bags...
ELAINEThe worst flight I have been on in my entire life.
JERRYYeah, me too...
TIAI'll call you.
JERRYOkay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business thing...
KRAMERYou guys ready?
JERRYYeah. Where's George?
GEORGE(can't be heard but looks like) Kramer!
JERRY...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer; there's always a small problem "There'll be a slight delay, we'll be a *little* late, if you could be a *little* *patient*! We're just trying to get one of those *little* trucks to pull us up just a *little* closer to the jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway and there'll be a man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have very little time to make your connecting flight. So move it!". Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport. Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune.
JERRYHey, could you do me a favour? (pause) Could you shut-up?They both chortle, and Jerry is hot so he's taking his coat off, but Elaine refuses to take the wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck and before you can say "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", they collide head-on with a Snapple truck.... Would you believe a big purple jeep? Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand *did* get stuck... Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and...
JERRYTHEN THEN ELAINE'S SKYCAP ...Honolulu. Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket counter in time.
JERRYYou see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up! Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she runs. Besides, she's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. Hmfph. Anyway, they get to the ticket counter. JERRY+
JERRYYeah, I'm sure you'll live. They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" Elaine aboard. ATTENDANT #1 Third row right... Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard. ATTENDANT #1 Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard. JERRY Bon voyage, Lainey! PASSENGER #1 Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're sitting in my seat... Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags and Data General laptop. PASSENGER #1 I never check my bags-- I can't stand that wait in the baggage area.
JERRYOh, sorry... My mistake... (To himself) Thank... *you*! Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes. Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the car.
JERRYOh my... Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring...
JERRYWow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... Um, what was that page number again? JERRY What is this an ad for?
JERRYUh-huh... In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars and what is obviously heavy traffic...
JERRYWhy, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella. They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car...