Jerry's Standup
JERRY(answering machine) leave a message and I?ll call you back, thanks. JOE DIVOLA Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I?m gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I?ve kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again.
KRAMERSo, what do you think?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYAbout what?
KRAMERAbout the opera.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYNah, I don't wanna go.
KRAMERYou gotta go.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it!
KRAMERJerry, you don't understand, that?s the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYAll right, all right.
KRAMERThat?s the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. It?s the language Jerry, the language
Jerry's Standup
JERRYSo why don't they talk like that now?
KRAMERWell its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were tired.
KRAMERBetter get that
Jerry's Standup
JERRYYeah?
ELAINE(intercom) it?s me!
Jerry's Standup
JERRYCome on up.
KRAMERSo, huh?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI don't know
KRAMEROh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWell it?s very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard they're impossible to get.
KRAMEROh, well I have many associates.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI don't know, opera, it?s not my kind of thing.
KRAMERAll right, you not gonna go I?m not gonna go, I?m gonna call the whole thing off.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYNo, wait a minute, wait a minute, that?s not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?
KRAMERYou're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana!
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWell I guess if I?m the Miana I should go. All right, all right.
ELAINEHi!
Jerry's Standup
JERRYHi!
KRAMERHey! Hi Elaine!
ELAINEYou got the tickets right?
KRAMERWell no, I don't have them on me.
ELAINEWhat? That?s why I came all the way over here.
KRAMERMy friends got 'em, I?m going to pick them up tomorrow.
ELAINEOh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one right?
KRAMEROh yeah!
Jerry's Standup
JERRYSo I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
ELAINEIts killing you isn?t it?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYYeah, so Joey?s a great lover of the opera
ELAINEListen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody who?s interested in something other than nick at night. Now he?s got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.
JERRYWell I?m looking forward to meeting him.
ELAINEI've got to go
JERRYWhere are you going, what?s the rush?
ELAINEI'm going to surprise Joey, I?ve never been to his apartment so I?m just going to 'pop in'
JERRYOh, good, men love that!
JERRYHey!
KRAMERYou've got a message buddy.
JERRYOoo, could be from that blonde
KRAMEROo yiggity diggigg
JOE DIVOLA(answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on my tongue'
JERRY(shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....
KRAMERSteady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself,
JERRYWhat the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?
KRAMEROK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!
JERRYI'm gonna call the cops. That?s what I?m doing, I?m calling the cops.
KRAMERThe cops? What are you calling the cops for? They?re not going to do anything!
JERRYWhat do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh!
KRAMERYiddigtkk ka kibosh.
JERRYI mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.
KRAMERCall him and tell him
JERRYThat?s what I?ll do, I?ll just call him and tell him, I?ll tell him. That?s all I?ll do. He's a human being, I?ll talk to him. He'll understand. Right?
KRAMERRight.... Don't mention my name
JERRYOh, I got the machine.
KRAMERWhat?s his message like?
JERRYNice!
KRAMEREh!
JERRY(into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think there?s been a huge colossal misunderstanding,
KRAMERBig! Big!
JERRYand I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.
ELAINEJoey? Joey?
ELAINEOh god, oh, its you! You scared me!
JOE DIVOLAGood. Fear is our most primal emotion.
ELAINEYou left your door open.
JOE DIVOLAI know, I like to encourage intruders.
ELAINE(laughs) What?s all this?
JOE DIVOLADo you like it? My home is a shrine to you.
ELAINEWhere did you get all these pictures?
JOE DIVOLAI took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering.
ELAINEShowering?
JOE DIVOLAI developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see?
ELAINEIn the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person!... Are you all right?
JOE DIVOLAWhy
ELAINEWell I don't know, you just don't seem yourself?
JOE DIVOLAWho am I? Who am I supposed to be?
ELAINEThat?s a good question, good question, its very... exerstential! Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.
JOE DIVOLAWhat are you doing here?
ELAINEOh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze.
JOE DIVOLAWere you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from that friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.
ELAINEOh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going.
JOE DIVOLAReally?
ELAINEOh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so I?m just gonna get the uh..
JOE DIVOLAYou know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?
ELAINEUh.. I?m Elaine!
JOE DIVOLAHe's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.
ELAINEOh.
JOE DIVOLADo you think I?m a clown, Nedda?
ELAINEDo I think you're a clown? No, not if it?s bad to be a clown, if it?s bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing.
JOE DIVOLAYou've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he. I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name.
ELAINEOh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I?m gonna... get out of here.
JOE DIVOLAPagliacci kills his wife.
ELAINESe, now that?s terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I don?t know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown
JOE DIVOLAYou're not leaving
JERRY(on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that?s not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd investigate. So what?s the difference, I?m a comedian of the United States, and I?ll tell you I?m under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye.
JERRY(cautiously) Who is it?
GEORGEIt's George.
GEORGEWhat, are you locking the door now?
JERRYWell, well, look at you. It?s a little skimpy there isn't it?
GEORGEDo you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
JERRYOoo, that was a bad toast.
GEORGEIt wasn't that bad.
JERRYI never heard anybody curse in a toast.
GEORGEI was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
JERRYThere were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
GEORGEAlright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not going tonight you know.
JERRYWhat do you mean not going? why not?
GEORGEI don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.
JERRYWhy doesn't she pay for hers?
GEORGEThat's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That?s all I?m asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?
JERRYIt's nice to get a reach.
JERRYWho is it?
KRAMERIt's me!
KRAMERWhat, are you locking the door now?
JERRYBecause of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed?
KRAMERI am dressed.
JERRYYou're going like this?
KRAMERYeah. Hey I want you to hear something.
JERRYI thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!
KRAMERPeople do, I don't.
JERRYWell what about me! If you're going like that, I?m not going like this.
GEORGEWait a minute, wait a minute, do you think I?m comfortable here. I can't change, I?ve got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I can?t go like this alone!
JERRYWhy should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours?
GEORGEThat?s not the issue, we're friends, if I?ve got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!
JERRYAll right, all right, I?ll wear this. It's bad enough I?ve got to go to the opera I?ve got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.
JERRYWould you turn that down! What is that crap!
KRAMERIt's Pagliacci!
JERRYOh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two extra tickets.
KRAMERWhy? What happened?
JERRYWell Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend isn't going either.
KRAMERThat?s fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five hundred a ticket.
GEORGEWhat? Really?
KRAMERYeah.
GEORGEPeople are looking for tickets here?
KRAMERWhat, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha, we're gonna clean up!
GEORGEOh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera.
JERRYOh yeah right.
KRAMEROK come on, let?s go get the tickets.
GEORGEAll right, all right.
JERRYAll right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre.
GEORGEOh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?
KRAMEROh yeah!
JERRYYou sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
ELAINECherry Binaca, it?s new.
JERRYSee, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!
ELAINEIt's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person.
JERRYWell you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable.
JERRYHey, hey, what are you doing, that?s my quarter.
MAN#1No it's not, it's mine.
JERRYI was just flipping it, it's mine.
MAN#1No, I dropped it, it's mine.
JERRYAll right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours.
MAN#1Well it is mine.
JERRYWhat, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that?s how much I care about money.
MAN#1You think I care about money, that?s how much I care about money, I don't care about money.
JERRYOh yeah, well why don?t you Just get lost.
MAN#1Why don't you get lost.
JERRYBecause I was standing here, that?s why.
MAN#1Oh Yeah?
JERRYYeah!
JERRYI kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a problem?
PARK GUY#1Hey clown!
PARK GUY#2hey clown!
PARK GUY#1Make us laugh, clown!
PARK GUY#2Nice face, clown!
PARK GUY#2Make me laugh, clown!
KRAMERI got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all right.
MAN#2Hey, hey. Are you selling.
KRAMEROh yeah, I?m selling.
MAN#2Where are they?
KRAMEROrchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven.
MAN#2What do you want for them.
KRAMERAll right, I?ll tell you what I?ll do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the duce.
MAN#2I'll give you five hundred for the pair.
GEORGEOk, it's a deal!
KRAMERPzzzt. No.
GEORGENo? Are you crazy?
KRAMERLook, let me handle this.
GEORGEFive hundred dollars, that?s a great deal!
KRAMERYou're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.
GEORGEDid you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit.
KRAMERLook, I know what I?m doing here George.
GEORGEThis is not a Metallica concert, it?s an opera alright, a little dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it.
KRAMEROh, yeah.
GEORGEThank you very much. You just stand over there, I?ll stand over here.
KRAMERI know where I?m standing.
GEORGEAlright.
KRAMERHey!
GEORGE(shouting) Get your Paliachi!
JERRYWhere are they already?
ELAINEI guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets.
JERRYHey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen?s father-in-law, Mr Reichman. George and I were just talking about that today, I can?t believe it! That?s the guy who threw George out of the wedding.
ELAINEOh, yeah, when George made that bad toast!
JERRYDo you remember the curse toast?
ELAINEOh yeah, the curse toast.
JERRYSo, can you believe that message? Now I?ve got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
ELAINEMe too
JERRYCrazy Joe Divola
ELAINEHow do you know his name?
JERRYWhat do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?
ELAINEI never told you his name.
JERRYI never told you his name.
ELAINEWait a second, who are we talking about here?
JERRYJoe Divola.
ELAINERight, Joe Divola
JERRYHow do you know his name?
ELAINEI've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name.
JERRYOh my god, its Joe Divola
ELAINEIs he stalking you? are you kidding me?
JERRYThat madman is trying to kill me.
ELAINEOh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!!
JERRYOh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you! He'll think I?m the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!
ELAINEOooohh, what about me!
JOE DIVOLAExcuse me
ELAINE & JERRYAaahhhhh!!
GEORGEBut this is Pavarotti!
MAN#3Three hundred dollars, that?s a lot of money.
MR REICHMANYou know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.
GEORGEAll right, I?ll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let?s stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I?ve got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.
MR REICHMANScalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse me.
GEORGEHey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking.
MR REICHMANCostanza!?
GEORGEMr Reichman?
MR REICHMANYou've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets.
MRS REICHMANHarold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair transplant!
JOE DIVOLAAnything is welcome, I accept change.
JERRYI don't have anything, I gave it to that guy.
JOE DIVOLAYou know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.
JERRYI'm telling you, the guy took.....
JOE DIVOLAAnd I don't need people like you looking down their noses at me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by.
MRS REICHMANDoctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!
JOE DIVOLAWhat, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it?
ELAINEI'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out.
JOE DIVOLAYou people make me sick.
JERRYThat is one angry clown!
JERRYThe hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"
JERRY(Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it!
ELAINEYou know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes from bugs bunny cartoons.
JERRYOh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look I?m serious, I?m not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it.
JOE DIVOLAI don't want any money.
ELAINEI smell cherry.
JOE DIVOLAIt's Binaca.
JERRYBinaca?
GEORGEWhat did we say? Two seventy-five?
MAN#3Two fifty.
GEORGETwo fifty? Are you sure
MAN#3Yeah, yeah, I?m sure.
GEORGEAll right, all right, two fifty.
SUSANGeorge!
GEORGES-Susan
SUSANI can't believe it, I?m so glad I caught you.
GEORGEWhat are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport.
SUSANOh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in Philadelphia.
GEORGESo what, they don?t have another plane? She couldn't take a bus?
SUSANShe's coming in tomorrow. I made it!
GEORGEYeah you made it, how about that.
SUSANOh, I?m so excited, now we get to see the opera together.
GEORGEWe get to go to the opera together!
SUSANWho's that?
GEORGEThat?s-that?s-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.
JERRYCome on, you gotta let us in
USHERNot without tickets.
JERRYWe have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us.
USHERWell that?s a problem. Excuse me.
JERRYYou don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to kill us.
USHERA crazy clown is after you? Oh that?s rich. Now clear the entrance so people with tickets can get through.
JERRY&ELAINEWe're with him, we're with him.
KRAMERAre you guys ready?
JERRY&ELAINEYeah, Yeah!!
KRAMERHave you seen George?
JERRYWe thought he was with you.
ELAINECome on, he's on his own, come on!
KRAMERThese are great seats huh?
ELAINEYeah
KRAMERYeah
JERRYBoy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone.
ELAINEAver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing?
JERRYShe's playing, Pagliacci?s wife, Nedda.
ELAINENedda?
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEOh my god..
MAN#3Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
JERRYSusan! What are you doing here?
SUSANMy Friend's flight couldn?t make it.
JERRYWhere's George?
MAN#3I got his ticket.
SUSANHe decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable.
JERRYUncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket?
MAN#3One seventy-five.
JERRYKramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?
KRAMERSome nut in a clown suit!
JERRYI had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that?s more you're thing.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYThe idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't 'do you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.
JERRYYeah? ELAINE (intercom) it's me! JERRY Come on up.