JERRYHave you ever called someone up, and you're disappointed when they answer the phone? You wanted the machine. You know, and you're always kind of thrown off, (left hand up to side of face, pretending its a receiver) you go "Oh, I eh, I - I didn't know you were there, I ah - just wanted to leave a message saying, sorry I missed you."
JERRYWell this is it.
NAOMIOh, this is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food.
JERRYOh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic.
NAOMIYeah, me too.
JERRYNo, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic. I thought they were peanuts.
NAOMI(laughs) - Nnnhhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked Gun is on. Oh I've seen it. I laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?
JERRYNo, I mean, I don't think so.
NAOMII thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy go lucky.
JERRYNo, no, no. I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
NAOMIAhahahahahahahahaha.
JERRYThat's not funny Naomi.
NAOMIAh hahahaha. (points at Jerry)
JERRYI didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
GEORGE(on the answering machine) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set for the weekend. This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi.
GEORGE(con't) All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
GEORGE(con't) A-Anyway, I was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...
JERRYThis thing has never worked right. (holding the machine in his hand)
NAOMIYou think I, laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
JERRYWell, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... hahahahahaaa " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... it extracts the-the pulp and-and-and the vitamins, for-for long life and-and-and vitality.
JERRYHow could you leave a message like that on my machine.?
GEORGEWell how could you just play your message in front of anybody?
JERRYBecause I didn't think anyone would leave it!
GEORGEWell, I didn't think anyone would play it.
JERRYWell, now she's not going away for this weekend.
GEORGEWhat do you mean not goin'? Come on, we got plans here. Call her up.
JERRYNah, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that? I mean izz-it's like ah, it's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. You know, cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish monger's pretty bad smell.
GEORGEWh-Well maybe you should ask Elaine.
JERRYYeah but if I ask Elaine, then Kramer will feel slighted.
GEORGEOh no no no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her.
JERRYYeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke?
KRAMERHmm.
JERRYAh, Kramer.
KRAMERHello boys, (in an Irish accent) top of the morning to ya. What do you say?
JERRYWill you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars.
KRAMERSo, what are you guys doin' this weekend?
JERRY and GEORGEuh uh, we're uh ..
KRAMERBecause I'm going to be playing golf at the Westchester country club. Mmh.
JERRYWestchester? Isn't that a private club?
KRAMEROh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St. -- I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round ... then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Idn't that beautiful.
JERRYand GEORGE Ye, hu, um Ye,
KRAMERMan, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. Ffoooo (Taking an imaginary swing, he makes the sound of a golf ball being hit)
GEORGEGee, that's-that's too bad.
JERRYYeah, too bad.
KRAMERWhy? What wa?
GEORGEWell, cause we were just saying we were going to ask you to come up to the country with us this weekend. Susan's father has a cabin up there. But, eh, all right, well.
KRAMERWell, what, they got any golf courses up there?
JERRY and GEORGENo, no, no, no, no, no, no.
GEORGENo, no that's ah, that's pie country.
JERRYYeah
GEORGEYeah, they eh, they do a lot of baking up there.
KRAMERUh huh.
JERRYThey sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, Blackberry ....
GEORGEBlackberry, Boysenberry ...
JERRYBoysenberry, Huckleberry ...
GEORGEHuckleberry, Raspberry...
JERRYRaspberry, Strawberry ...
GEORGEStrawberry, Cranberry ...
JERRYPeach.
ELAINEI don't know.
JERRYCome on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it'll be a better group.
ELAINEWhat's that?
JERRYAh, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I never know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this.
ELAINE"I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?
JERRYYeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go?
ELAINEWell what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin!
JERRYWell, um same bed ...
ELAINEuh huh (very quietly)
JERRY.. and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.
ELAINEWhat about me?
JERRYWell you'd be naked of course.
ELAINEUh, that's, ...
MELExcuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?
JERRYYeah.
MELMy name's Sanger, Mel Sanger.
JERRYHi.
MELI drive that truck out there.
JERRYOh, the Yoo Hoo?
MELYeah.
JERRYI love Yoo Hoo.
MELYes, it's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple weeks ago. I was watching the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood ... the damnedest thing. Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble.
JERRYA bubble?
ELAINEA bubble?
MELYes, a bubble!
MELDo you mind? May I?
ELAINEOh, sure.
MELAh, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me. And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo. We have sacrificed everything. All for the sake of our little ... bubble boy.
MEL(in tears) Excuse me, I ah ...
ELAINEOh right here (giving out paper napkins to Mel and Jerry and herself)
MELExcuse me, anyway we were watching ya on TV.
JERRYYou get in the bubble with him?
MELNo. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic.
JERRYOh, I thought it was like an igloo.
MELNo, it's clear.
JERRYAh ha.
ELAINEWho has the remote? (wipes a tear from her eye)
MELHe does.
ELAINEThe remote goes through the bubble?
MELYeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.
JERRYSo you have no control over the remote?
MELNo, it's frustrating.
JERRYMmm
ELAINEYeah, of course, yeah. (blows her nose)
MELSo anyway, you're his favorite comedian. He laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot of hemoglobin.
JERRYAwe... That's nice!
MELTomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit and, just say hello.
JERRYHu, well, tomorrow, I, ...
ELAINEJerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.
JERRYYeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where da ya - where do you live, uh, up town? Upper west side?
MELNo, up state.
JERRYUp state! Hummm.
JERRYHe's a bubble boy.
GEORGEA bubble boy?
JERRYYes. A bubble boy.
SUSANWhat's a bubble boy?
JERRYHe lives in a bubble.
GEORGEBoy!
SUSANSay, so what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?
JERRYNo, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room.
SUSANOh.
GEORGEWhat kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic?
JERRYThat's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. Anyway what can I do, I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow. It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.
SUSANWell, where does he live?
JERRYI don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'
SUSANWait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin.
GEORGEWell all right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.
JERRYYou think we can do it?
SUSANOh I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us.
JERRYOh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited.
GEORGE(laughs) hu hu.
SUSANI'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible.
JERRYOhh.
GEORGEAll right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.
JERRYOK.
KRAMERWell,
GEORGEand JERRY Very nice, very nice, nice.
KRAMERWell, I'm off to the links.
GEORGEand JERRY Yeah.
KRAMERListen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it.
GEORGE(clears his throat)
SUSANThe what?
GEORGEUh, nothing, lets get going. Come on. (laughs) hu hu.
SUSANDid you ... (George grabs her hand)
GEORGENo, no, no we'll talk about it later.
SUSANIs that one of the cigars my father gave you? (Susan is pulled from the apt. and Kramer looks out the door to watch them leave)
ELAINEHey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her?
JERRYAh, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.?
ELAINEOh, that's nice!
JERRYWhat's he doing? What is his hurry?
ELAINEWell you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good time.
JERRYI know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.
ELAINEHmhmhm (laughing quietly)
JERRYLook at him.
ELAINEHmhmhm (laughing quietly)
GEORGEWould you stop that please. Would you just stop that?
SUSANWhy?
GEORGEKnock it off, just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. I once went into Kennedy Airport from West 81st Street to in uh, in 15 minutes. hu uh. Oh, here hold this. It's uh, ten dollars for the tolls.
JERRYWhat's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?
ELAINEIsn't that blue car him?
JERRYNo, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we going to do?
ELAINEIt's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
JERRYI don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I - I don't even remember the name of the town.
ELAINEWa',you don't have the directions?
JERRYNo, I was following him.
ELAINEHow could you not take the directions?
JERRYBecause, HE'S my directions.
SUSANI didn't see them George.
JERRYWe make all these plans - this idiot goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -
ELAINEPoor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing, whatever.
JERRYI DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.
ELAINEHere just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out.
SUSANWe lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM!
GEORGEWell it's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody?
SUSANWell now what are you gonna do?
GEORGEIt's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
SUSANDoes he have the address?
JERRY(answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks.
NAOMI(on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi. Ah, listen, if its not too late I, changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin.
KRAMERWait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbor. Aw, well you know, ah Jerry's left, uh, uh, But listen, ah, see ah, my golf game got canceled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got pies and ah, I got the directions right here.
KRAMERSo then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind if I smoke?
NAOMINo.
KRAMERThese are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH) Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam.
NAOMIHa ha ha ha ha ha ... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Ha haaaa
GEORGEI don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere.
GEORGEWould you stop it. (Susan playfully bites his ear lobe again) Would you quit it please. Someone is going to see us here.
SUSANSo what? You are SUCH a prude.
GEORGEHey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them. (snapping his fingers 5 times)
SUSANOkay, Come on lets go in.
GEORGEWhat?
SUSANWell we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all.
GEORGEI can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy.
SUSANWhat's the matter?
GEORGEI-I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the hospital. She was getting' better. And then I went to pay her a visit. She saw my face. BOOM. That was the end of it.
SUSANOkay, we're goin' in. Come on.
GEORGESusan, wait please... (grabs her) Please ...
SUSANCome on George. George stop. George.
GEORGESusan, Susan would you wai,....
JERRY(ranting) I can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - and my whole weekend is gone - the plans, the packing, ... everything.
ELAINEYour whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?
JERRYWhy do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the bubble boy? I know about the bubble boy. I'm aware of the bubble boy. Why do you keep reminding me about the bubble boy?
JERRYI'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club.
WAITRESSHow ?bout you?
ELAINEUm, I'll just have a glass of water.
JERRY(whispers) You can't just have water.
ELAINEWhy not? That's all I want.
JERRYWell this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business.
WAITRESSHold it a second. Don't ?chu play on TV?
JERRYOh, no.
ELAINEYES! yes. You saw him on TV.
WAITRESSWhat's your name?
ELAINEJerry Seinfeld.
JERRYElaaaiinne...
WAITRESSGarry Seinfield! I saw you on the Tonight Show.
ELAINERight. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture?
WAITRESSOh, ha ha
JERRYUh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.
ELAINEHe's lying. They're in the trunk (takes car keys) Now you get to sign another one.
JERRYI'm not lying.
ELAINEYeah, yeah he is. (as she leaves)
JERRYShe'll have a cup of coffee and a broiled chicken.
MRS. SANGERSee it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic divider.
GEORGEHuh (quietly)
GEORGEand SUSAN (nod)
GEORGECan you uh, go in the bubble?
MRS. SANGERWell, you have to put so many things on because of the germs.
MELThe gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.
GEORGESo then he makes his own bed?
MRS. SANGERWell, that's one of the things we fight about.
MELWould you like to meet him?
GEORGEUh, well, you know,...
MRS. SANGEROh, he loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him.
DONALDHEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER, I'M GONNA SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE.
MRS. SANGER(embarrassed) Ha...ha ha ha ha, ha.
ELAINE(laughing) hehehe -- One picture left in the trunk.
JERRYUh, THANKS! This is FUN! Yeah, this turned out to be a GREAT weekend.
ELAINEWhere's my water?
JERRYOh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.
WAITRESSThanks.
ELAINEWaddya' write?
WAITRESS"Nothing's finer than being in your diner."
ELAINEHu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu "Ther - There is nothing finer than being in your diner."?
JERRYNo good?
ELAINETHIS is what you came up with?
JERRYWell.
ELAINEThat is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you.
JERRYYeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. Would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back.
WAITRESSWhy
JERRYI, I'm not happy with what I wrote.
WAITRESSIt's good. I like it.
JERRYNo, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it.
WAITRESSWell, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one.
JERRYNo, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture.
WAITRESSRIGHT! (leaves)
MRS. SANGERThis is Donald.
GEORGEHi. (waves to Donald and laughs) hahahaha.
SUSANHello.
DONALDWHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?
MRS. SANGERHe's on his way. These are his friends.
DONALDWHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?
GEORGETsst...'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... bubble ... you know. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on.
DONALDWHAT'S YOUR STORY?
SUSANI-I-I have no story.
GEORGEShe works for NBC.
DONALDHOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?
MRS. SANGERDonald, behave yourself.
DONALDCOME ON.
MRS. SANGERI know. I know. Why don't you play a game of Trivial Pursuit?
GEORGEAh, well, you know we gotta been running because of the ...
DONALDOoo. WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID?
GEORGEA-hu no, uh, it's just that ...
DONALDWELL I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.
JERRYLook, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me.
WAITRESSYou are really startin' to get under my skin.
JERRYI want that picture.
WAITRESSWell, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out.
JERRYI'm not paying for anything until I get that back.
WAITRESSWell, you ain't getting' it back.
JERRYWell, maybe I'll just take it back.
ELAINEThis chicken is really good.
DONALDOK, HISTORY ... THIS IS FOR THE GAME. ... HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? ... NOT TOO GOOD!
GEORGEAll right Bubble Boy. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?
DONALDTHAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.
GEORGEOh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.
DONALDMOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.
GEORGEI'm sorry the card says MOOPS.
DONALDIT DOESN'T MATTER. IT'S MOORS. THERE'S NO, MOOPS.
GEORGEIt's MOOPS.
DONALDMOORS.
GEORGEMOOPS,
DONALDMOORS!
KRAMERHey! Anybody home? Oh boy.
NAOMIWhat should we do?
KRAMERAh, hold these (boxes of) pies.
KRAMEROkay.
GEORGEHelp, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling George)
DONALDTHERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.
SUSANStop it. Let go of him!
Mrs. SANGERDonald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald!
DONALDI'M GOING TO KILL HIM.
GEORGEYou're choking me.
Mrs. SANGERDonald, ... Donald...
DONALDMOORS. SAY MOORS!
GEORGEMOOPS, MOOPS
Mrs. SANGERDonald, No. ... Donald, stop it ..
JERRYWhat are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!
WAITRESSAre you going to pay for that?
JERRYNo, I want the picture back.
MAN #1Something's happened to the Bubble Boy. They're rushing him to the hospital.
WAITRESSWhat? (releases Jerry)
JERRYThe Bubble Boy? He lives around here?
MAN #1That's his house right down the road.
MAN #2He got in a fight with some guy.
Guy1What kind of person would hurt the Bubble Boy?
MAN #2Some little bald guy from the city.
MAN #1Come on -- Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'?
KRAMERNaomi, come on let's get goin'.
NAOMIBut that lake must be freezing.
KRAMERNah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process.
NAOMIReady to go swimming?
KRAMERLet's go.... OK. (he snaps the towel at Naomi's backside) GOTCHA.
NAOMIAHAaaaaaha
KRAMERHeYAWaaa
GEORGEJERRY! What happened to you?
JERRYWhat happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.
GEORGEOh I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was tried to kill me.
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGEYeah, Susan tell him.
SUSANIt's a long story.
GEORGEYeah.
DONALDHEY SEINFELD!
JERRYHey, Happy Birthday.
ELAINEHi.
DONALDTHANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.
GEORGEOh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?
DONALDMOORS
GEORGEMOOPS
DONALDMOORS
GEORGEMOOPS
DONALDMOORS
GEORGEMOOPS
MAN #1There's the guy who tried to kill the Bubble Boy. Get him!
GEORGEGo, go, get out, ...
JERRYFire engines?
GEORGEWhat? Must be a big one.
ELAINEDo you smell something?
JERRYYeah,
SUSANSmoke.
GEORGEYeah, (cough) Definite smoke.
ELAINEArghhh, look it's a fire! (cough)
JERRYHoly cow! look at that!
SUSANIT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!
ELAINEThe CABIN is on fire!
GEORGE(Apprehensively) Um. I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the tolls.
ELAINEHow could this have happened?
KRAMER(singing) ... It's a big, wild, funky mountain man ...
NAOMIOh, my god, the cabin?
JERRYWhat are you two doin' here?
NAOMILook at that.
JERRYYou didn't ... (makes motion like he's lighting a cigar)
KRAMERMy Cubans! (runs off to the burning cabin)
** Pies - Just in case you did not know what these two kinds of pies are
BoysenberryThe edible fruit obtained by crossing the blackberry, raspberry, and loganberry. [ After Rudolph Boysen, 20th century U.S. horticulturist ]
HuckleberryThe edible black or dark blue berry of any of various North American shrubs. 2. A shrub yielding this berry.