Jerry's Standup
JERRYSo George and I went up to NBC and we told them the idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract.
HELENAnd they liked the idea?
JERRYYeah.
MORTYWhat'ya got leather seats here?
HELENSince when is George a writer?
JERRYWhat writer? It's a sitcom.
HELENThis is so exciting. When are you going to sign the contract?
JERRYSoon, there's a couple of problems.
MORTYJerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst.
JERRYWhat do you expect? It's airline food.
MORTYThey give you that *Fish.*
JERRYHow could you eat fish on a plane?
MORTYbecause she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat.
HELENWhat kind of problems?
JERRYWell, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money.
HELENWhat? He's not even working.
MORTYGeorge is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me. They're all crooks.
HELENJerry, I want you to sign that contract.
JERRYWe're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now.
GEORGESo, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass.
SUSANYu - you're passing?
GEORGEWell, it's . . . much too low.
SUSANAre you and Jerry in complete agreement on this?
GEORGEtsh (snorts) Ah, yeah, we've - we've talked . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.
SUSANWell be-because you know that, because this is your first show it's a pretty standard deal.
GEORGEStandard?
SUSANYeah.
GEORGEIs Ted Danson's deal standard?
SUSANTed Danson?
GEORGEYou know, the guy from Cheers.
SUSANYeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson.
GEORGEI didn't say I was Ted Danson.
SUSANAll right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.
GEORGEYou tell Russell.
SUSANOh, um, before I forget, . . . Cuban cigars. It's a present from my father.
GEORGEOh... do I have to write him a note or something?
SUSANYeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.
GEORGEWell what would I say in the note?
SUSANAh, you're a writer. You'll think of something.
GEORGEOh-ohf (snorts) yeah, I'm a writer. (laughs)
HELENWere you waiting long at the gate?
JERRYUm, I don't even know?
HELENWhere's that watch we bought you?
JERRYOh uh ...
JERRYThat's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage)
GEORGEWha-Is that the one your parents gave you?
JERRYYeah, but it never works.
JERRY. . . it's uh, being fixed.
MORTYI got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where we got it.
JERRYIt's at the jeweler.
MORTYYou send me the bill.
JERRYI'm not sending you the bill.
HELENThat watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTThat's uh, $18.50.
MORTYHere, I got it.
JERRYWhat are you talking about? It's my car. Let me pay for the gas.
MORTYNo, no put it away . . .
JERRYDad!
MORTYStop it.
JERRYI have money. I make money.
MORTYYeah, yeah, you make money.
JERRYYou don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it?
HELENNo, I don't think that.
JERRYYes you do. That's what you both think.
MORTYI'm paying.
JERRYDad I'm paying.
MORTYGet out of here.
JERRYYou're not paying.
MORTYNow Jerry please, do not do this to your father. Over my dead body Jerry. I'll tell you right now, you're not going to do it.
JERRYNo don't do this. You're not doing this. I will fight you. No you don't... No.
JERRYBoy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing?
MORTYNothing nothing.
JERRYLeave it. What about your back?
HELENMorty, what are you doing?
MORTYAll right, all right.
JERRYYou come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases.
KRAMERHey, Morty.
MORTYHey, Mr. Kramer. Ha ha ha.
KRAMERHey, Mrs. Seinfeld. Hi
HELENHa, ha, ha Oh, What happened to you?
KRAMEROh, ah, well some guy kicked me in the side of the head.
HELENWhat guy?
KRAMERAh, w-Crazy Joe Devola.
HELENWhy?
KRAMERWell, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and then Jerry, tipped him off.
JERRYWhy did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
JERRYI didn't know he wasn't invited.
MORTYHey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?
HELENSo why did you say anything?
JERRYIt was a mistake.
MORTYThey're good around the house -- and they're good for outside.
HELENAre you okay?
KRAMEROh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week, huh Jerry -- Yeah but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion
HELENSo what's the matter with this Devola guy?
JERRYHe's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.
KRAMEROh, yeah, yeah. He's after Jerry now.
JERRYKramer!!
HELENHe's what?!
JERRYHe's joking.
HELENHe's after you?
JERRYNooo.
HELENWhy is he after you?
JERRYHe's not after me.
HELENMorty, do you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry.
MORTYI'll make a few phone calls.
JERRYWho you gonna to call?
MORTYWhat are you worried about?
HELENI want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you.
JERRYI didn't do anything.
HELENWell you must have done something.
JERRYNo, he just doesn't like me.
HELENDoesn't like you? How could anyone not like you?
JERRYYou know it seems impossible.
HELENDoesn't - doesn't like you? How could that be?
JERRYMa, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me.
HELENHuh, Jerry, don't say that.
JERRYIt's true.
HELENNo, it isn't! it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. Morty?
MORTYMaybe some people don't like him. I could see that.
HELENKramer?
KRAMERYeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got?
JERRYUm, I haven't got my watch on. It's being fixed.
KRAMERWhen you getting it back?
JERRYUh, next week.
KRAMERNext week? How come it's takin' so long?
JERRYHuh?
KRAMERI said how come it's takin' so long?
JERRYI don't know. They're, backed up.
KRAMERWait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it?
JERRYWhere'd I take it?
KRAMERYeah.
JERRYWhere did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing a knife into a cutting board) Umm, to that place on, uh Columbus and 85th. Okay?
KRAMERWhat? Jimmy Sherman?
JERRYYeah.
KRAMERYeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.
JERRYNo, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him.
KRAMERNo, I'd be happy to. He's a friend of mine.
JERRYI'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment.
KRAMERHey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy. You see.
MORTYBring me the receipt.
KRAMERI get that too. (exits)
JERRYBe right back. (follows Kramer out)
JERRYThere's no watch ... I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me, but I didn't like it. So don't mention it again, okay!
KRAMERY-Yeah, all right.
JERRYAll right.
KRAMERWait, wait, . . .y-yea, w-no dit dit g- (Kramer noises)
HELENWhat was that about?
KRAMEROh, no, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle.
HELENHow can anyone not like him.
MORTYHi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment.
RECEPTIONISTYes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill this out.
MORTYAll this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes.
RECEPTIONISTI know. It's very long.
MORTYLook at this. It's a book. Employer's address. Whydo they need this? You know I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. (hu hu) My back was fine.
HELENWell, it's not the sofa.
MORTYYou stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.
HELENWe got it from Sullivan's. It's a good store.
MORTYWell one day somebody's going to sleep on that thing and we'll get sued. I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.
HELENLeo says he's the best there is.
MORTYLeo, I'm listening to Leo now!
HELENWell you're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy?
MORTYWell, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. . . . (back to the form) Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.
RECEPTIONISTJulie, you want to take him back?
JERRYYou what? You passed? How could you do that?
GEORGEahhhhh (exhaling) Jerry, my young friend, you're so nave. You are so, so nave. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I'm negotiating. Negotiation, this is what'cha do in business.
JERRYLet me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show.
GEORGEOoooo, I'm scared. . . . Ohoooo they're not going to do the show.
JERRYWe're lucky they're even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, hey maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!?
GEORGEOhooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking!
JERRYWell, I think you're wrong.
GEORGEWell, we'll just see.
JERRYYes we will.
GEORGEYes we will.
JERRYI just said that.
GEORGEI know you did.
JERRYSo good for you.
GEORGESo good for you.
JERRYWhat are you repeating everything I'm saying?
GEORGEWhat are you repeating everything I'm saying?
JERRYWell George is an idiot.
GEORGEWell George . . . .
MORTYAll right, all right, Let's go already. They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. . . .(open the door and shouts into the hallway) Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me.
HELEN(enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you.
MORTYTwenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes.
HELENWell the doctor must be busy.
MORTYWell then what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. Huh, hha. Look if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel.
NURSEHello, Mr. Seinfeld.
MORTYI thought you forgot about me.
NURSEWe didn't forget.
MORTYHaAhhh! The Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines.
NURSEOkay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays.
MORTYLeave all my stuff here?
NURSELeave it.
GEORGEOh hey, by the way. Do you want a box 'a, Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.
JERRYNo I don't want ?em.
KRAMERI'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?
GEORGEHere you go.
KRAMERCigars? (hits the box)
GEORGEYeah, Cubans.
KRAMEROh, yeah?
GEORGEYeah, the kind that Castro smoked. You can't buy ?em anywhere.
KRAMERCastro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish)
JERRYYeah?
VOICEFederal Express.
JERRYFederal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package.
KRAMERWooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar in the building.
JERRYYou think so?
KRAMERFederal Express? Of course. That's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it could be a murderer.
JERRYSo you want to just abolish all home package deliveries.
KRAMERYes. It's dangerous.
KRAMERwait det doit ... dit (Kramer noises -- he prepares for a fight by rolling up a magazine)
JERRYWho is it?
VoiceFederal Express.
KRAMEROkay, ... gidg gi gt (backs up and bends his knees, holding the rolled magazine - arm back, ready for a rumble)
ALLHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
KRAMERI want one of those!
ELAINEHiiii Kramer
KRAMEROh yes
ELAINEKramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.
KRAMERWell I came back for you.
ELAINEOh, shut up (pushes Kramer)
JERRYI missed you.
ELAINEReally? You really missed me?
JERRYYeah, . . . seriously.
GEORGEYeah, yeah, me to miss -- I miss.
JERRYYeah, big missing goin' on (spreads arms wide)
ELAINEAhhhhhh haa ha ha
KRAMERHey, I'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match.
ELAINEOh god, Who's suitcase is this?
JERRYOh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist.
ELAINEOh, god, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.
GEORGEBoy, you look really great.
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEYou lie.
GEORGENo, no you really look great.
ELAINEHu hu, ha ha ha.
JERRYSo tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston?
ELAINEOh, he's fine.
JERRYThings are good?
ELAINEYeah, you know (scratches cheek and sniffs)
JERRYUh oh.
ELAINEWhat, Uh oh?
JERRYDid you see that?
GEORGEYeah, I saw it.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYIt's a tell. You gotta tell.
ELAINEWhat tell? What's a tell?
JERRYWhen you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face, you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody.
ELAINEUm, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?
JERRYGood, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out. (scratches chin, nose then covers eyes with hands)
ELAINEHow high did I go?
GEORGEYou almost did the nose.
JERRYWhat are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display. (takes the peanut butter jar away from George)
GEORGEWhat? I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.
JERRY(To George) You're off bread. (To Elaine) So what happened is it over?
ELAINENo not quite.
JERRYWhy not?
ELAINEWell he was my psychiatrist, you know. I mean, he knows all my patterns. He knows In relationships that I always try to find some reason to leave, and so, he says as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave.
GEORGEWhat do you mean - "Not letting you?"
ELAINEHe has this power over me, okay. I mean he has this way of manipulating every little word that I say. He's like a Svenjolly.
JERRYSvengali.
ELAINEWhat did I say?
JERRYSvenjolly.
ELAINESvenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
JERRYGeorge?
GEORGESvenjolly. (licking a little bit of peanut butter from his finger)
ELAINEI don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.
JERRYWell maybe he's got like a, cheerful mental hold on you.
KRAMERYou know I can't find a match anywhere.
GEORGEYou know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things.
ELAINENo, it's not going to work with this guy.
GEORGENo, you just tell him ah, an old boyfriend has come back into your life.
ELAINEI don't think so.
JERRYNice try.
GEORGETook a shot.
KRAMERThis is a good cigar (hair is on fire, white smoke pouring from the back of his head) . . . . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom, his arms in the air -- he bangs them in to the top of the hallway door jam and falls into the bathroom)
MORTYSo, when do I get to see the doctor?
NURSEHe'll be in with the X-Rays in a few minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves)
MORTY(checking pants) They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. (opens door, shouts into the hallway) MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone.
NURSEAre you sure?
MORTYYes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray, Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
DR. DEMBROWMr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Dembrow, I've been going over your X-rays.
MORTYI'm not interested in the X-Rays. I want my money back. Somebody stole my wallet. I had $225 in there.
DR. DEMBROWWell, I don't see how something like that could have happened.
MORTYOh, you don't see. You don't see. Well it happened. Believe me.
HELEN(enters) What's going on?
MORTYThey stole my wallet.
HELENWhat?
MORTYYeah, while I was in getting X-Rayed.
DR. DEMBROWAll right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry about your wallet but would you like me to look over these X-Rays?
MORTYWhat kind of clip joint are ya running here?
DR. DEMBROWAll right, fine. (leaves)
HELENThe least you could have done was heard your diagnosis.
MORTYI am not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum.
HELENYou came all the way from Florida to see him.
MORTYI want to know what kind of an office this is where you can't leave your pants in the room. You tell me.
ELAINEI'm sorry but there's somebody else.
DR. RESTONUmm hm.
ELAINEWell it's, nothing I planned on happening, you know. It just, kind of happened.
DR. RESTONTell me about him.
ELAINEWell, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy, Really.
DR. RESTONYes, well I assumed he's a guy.
ELAINERight...
DR. RESTONAnd you've known him how long?
ELAINE. . . Years. Many years (her voice cracks), um, (clears throat) we've been close friends and then recently something just you know *ehghh* happened.
DR. RESTONYou mean sexually?
ELAINEYeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.
ELAINEI think your um ... (points at the phone)
DR. RESTONExcuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. Uh, no it's just east of Madison. Around 400 will be fine. All right Bobo ... see you then. (hangs up) . . . I'm sorry where were we?
ELAINEWell, I was just um, telling you about this, other guy.
DR. RESTONMm. Elaine ...
ELAINEYeah
DR. RESTONDo you remember your dream, where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?
ELAINEYeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) Mm-hm.
DR. RESTONElaine, I'm concerned about you.
ELAINEOh, no no no no, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm - I'm good. I'm - I'm very good, I mean I'm really very, very good.
DR. RESTONElaine. Have you been urinating a lot again?
ELAINE. . . no.
DR. RESTONAnd how often have you been seeing, um . . .? I'm sorry what is his name?
ELAINEH-his name?
DR. RESTONYes, his name.
ELAINEUm, well what's the difference?
DR. RESTONAre you afraid to tell me his name?
ELAINENo, no, I just - I just don't see how that's relevant.
DR. RESTONIt doesn't matter if you don't see how. I see how.
ELAINEUh, his name, um, I don't - I don't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll - I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer.
DR. RESTONKramer. Is that his first name or his last name?
ELAINEOh, I'm - I'm really uncomfortable talking about this.
DR. RESTONElaine, I want you to do me a favor.
ELAINEWhat?
DR. RESTONI want you to tell this young man to give me a call. It's very important that I speak to him.
ELAINEOh, oh no, no no no, I can't do that.
DR. RESTONYou can do it and you will do it.
ELAINENo, I can't.
DR. RESTONYou can and you will.
ELAINEOkay, okay. Yeah I'll have Kramer give you a call.
JERRYSo you didn't even let the doctor treat you?
MORTYI wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
HELENWhy did you leave your wallet in your pants?
MORTYWhat are you talking about? What was I supposed to hide it somewhere?
HELENYou could've taken it with you.
MORTYOh, yeah, I'll be lying on an X-Ray table with my wallet in my mouth.
LEOHello...
JERRYHi Uncle Leo.
LEOI just talked to Dr. Dembrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police.
MORTYWhat are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet.
LEOYou know how hard it was for me to get that appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.
MORTYAll right, Leo.
LEOAnd you walked out without paying.
MORTYHow was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.
LEOWell, I hope you send him a check.
MORTYWhat for?
LEOWhat for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor.
MORTYThat's the second time you said "personal favor". Why do you keep saying that?
LEOI said it once.
MORTYTwice! And Dembrow doesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor.
HELENLeo, where did you get that watch?
LEOYou know where I got this? (flashback) I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day. Works great. What kind of idiot throws a way a perfectly good watch?
HELENMorty, doesn't that watch look like the one that we gave Jerry.
JERRYHey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a little. .
HELENLet me see that.
JERRYCould we continue this another time.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYDon't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV TV show is because it ends. If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you come back next week?"