Jerry's Standup
JERRYLet me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
ELAINENa.
JERRYWhat are you doing? Were going out for dinner in ten minutes.
ELAINEDo you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?
JERRYYeah.
GEORGEIts George.
JERRYCome on up. . . . I never heard of this. Youve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?
ELAINEI dont know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
JERRYI think Ill take out the garbage.
ELAINEHey, have you ever fasted?
JERRYWell, once I didnt have dinner until, like 900 oclock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya? Throw out my garbage for me.
GEORGEYeah, right.
JERRYCome on, its just down the hall.
GEORGEGive me two bucks. Ill do it for two bucks.
JERRYIll give you 50 cents.
GEORGETheres no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
JERRYCome on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drakes coffee cake
GEORGEYoure not getting no Drakes Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, Im all set. I got the ticket. Im going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
JERRYI dont get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
GEORGEIts an incredible deal. I dont know why you dont come with me.
JERRYNah, I dont go for these non-refundable deals. I cant commit to a woman. Im not going to commit to an airline.
GINAHi.
JERRYHi.
GINAHow are you?
JERRYGina, do you know what a Drakes Coffee Cake is?
GINAOf course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.
JERRYHow much do they cost?
GINAThe junior?
GEORGENo, no the full size.
JERRYNo, no the junior.
GEORGEYou didnt say "junior".
GINAI havent had one of those since I was a little girl.
JERRYReally? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya doing?
MARTINGood enough.
JERRYBoy shes sexy isnt she?
JERRYDo you believe that guy?
ELAINEWhat guy?
JERRYMy neighbour
ELAINEOh, that creepy guy?
JERRYYeah, did he think I was flirting with her?
GEORGEHe didnt seem too pleased.
ELAINEMaybe Ill get a steak with french fried onion wings.
GEORGEhey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.
JERRYWhats so amazing? Youve seen him before.
GEORGEI havent seen him for months.
JERRYWhat was the dream?
GEORGEI was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.
JERRYI think Ive played there.
GEORGEIve had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.
JERRYYoure a little paranormal
ELAINEHey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.
GEORGEReally?
ELAINEUh uh, you should go some time.
GEORGEId love to go. Make an appointment.
JERRYPsychics, vacations. How about getting a job?
GEORGEI just got fired.
JERRYAlright, come on, lets get out of here.
ELAINEI wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.
JERRYI heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.
ELAINEReally?
JERRYOh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.
JERRYWho is it? Who is it?
GINAIts Gina.
JERRYWho?
GINAMartines girl friend.
JERRYMartine?
GINAYou next door neighbour.
JERRYOh, Martin!
GEORGEIts Martine. I think hes dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.
JERRYWhat?
GINACome on.
JERRYIn my pajamas? I better get my robe.
GINAWe dont have enough time.
JERRYItll take two seconds.
GINAThere is no time.
JERRYWe dont have two seconds?
GINAAll right. Go ahead.
JERRYNah, forget it.
GINANo, go ahead.
JERRYNah. Ill just wear the pajamas.
GINAWill you just get it.
JERRYAre you sure?
GINAForget it. Come on.
JERRYNah, Ill go get the robe.
JERRYThats not too bad. Its not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.
GINAYou know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.
JERRYReally? Its over?
GINAI could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a mans hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.
JERRYOh boy, did he say anything about me?
GINAHe does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drakes Coffee Cake.
JERRYHe said that?
GINAHe was screaming about it all night. How its too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.
JERRYIm sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.
GINAI wasnt.
JERRYYou werent?
GINANo, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?
JERRYOf course.
GINATell me everything.
JERRYAre you sure he cant hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.
GINAI wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.
JERRYI, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how theyre going to look at a thing like this.
GINAI saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.
JERRYNo, I just wanted to see what time it was.
GINAAre you afraid of him?
JERRYNo.
GINAThen kiss me.
JERRYHere?
GINAYes, right here.
JERRYIs this the proper venue?
GINAYou dont want to?
JERRYNo, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.
GINAThen kiss me right in front of him.
JERRYI cant. What if he wakes up?
GINAA man is lying here unconscious and youre afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?
JERRYA man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guys got a coma going like this you dont want to mess with it.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERDid you hear about Martin?
JERRYYeah, I heard.
KRAMERI cant believe hes in a coma.
KRAMERHes got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?
JERRYWho told you about Martin?
KRAMERNewman! Hes good friends with him.
JERROh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.
KRAMERHes got all of my attachments, you know.
JERRYHey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?
KRAMERWhat, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?
JERRYYou know I dont get that whole suicide machine. Theres no tall buildings where these people live? They cant wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?
KRAMERSo whats going on between you and Gina?
JERRYWell, I went with her to the hospital last night.
KRAMERUh, uh.
JERRYSo were in the room and shes trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
KRAMERUh, uh, you see thats the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?
JERRYNothing.
KRAMERAh, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you dont have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
JERRYI didnt know what the coma etiquette was.
KRAMERThere is no coma etiquette. You see thats the beauty of the coma, man. It doesnt matter what you do around it.
JERRYSo youre saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, its all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.
KRAMERId give him 24 hours to get out of it. They cant get out of it in 24 hours, its a land rush.
JERRYSo if the coma victim wakes up in a month, hes thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, theres nothing left?
KRAMERNOTHING LEFT! Thats why Im trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebodys going to grab it.
RULAMartins spirit came to you as a warning.
ELAINEWhy would he come to George?
RULABecause George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE.
GEORGEI knew it. I always felt different.
RULAYou are. Some coffee cake?
GEORGEDrakes?
RULAYes.
GEORGEDid you buy this for me?
RULANo, why?
GEORGEHa, because I love Drakes Coffee Cake.
RULAMaybe I did.
ELAINETake it away.
GEORGEShe hasnt eaten in two days.
RULAWhos Pauline?
GEORGEPauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.
RULADo you think about her?
GEORGEWhen I hear her name mentioned.
RULACut these with your left hand.
GEORGEThere was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.
RULAI see an Audrey, but with a small nose.
GEORGEYes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?
RULANot in this life.
ELAINEShould you be smoking?
RULADoes it bother you?
ELAINEYoure pregnant.
GEORGEElaine.
RULAI smoked when I had Faisy.
RULAAh oh.
GEORGEAh oh? What? What Ah oh?
RULAI dont know about this trip George.
GEORGEYou can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?
ELAINEIts really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.
GEORGEElaine, shes a psychic. She knows how the kids going to be.
GEORGEShould I not go on this trip?
RULAGeorge, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me.
ELAINENow listen. I just dont know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.
GEORGEElaine, what are you doing?
ELAINEIts disgusting.
RULAI DONT BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave.
ELAINEOh fine, I dont like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.
RULAGet the hell out.
GEORGEA plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
RULADo you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.
GEORGEIf you dont say anything I will assume its a plane crash.
RULAGet out.
GEORGENot a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash?
GINAI do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.
JERRYYou can say what you want about me but Ill be damned if Im going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.
GINAIt is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?
JERRYNo, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.
GINAWho are these Stooges you speak of?
JERRYTheyre a comedy team.
GINATell me about them. Everything.
JERRYWell, theyre three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.
GINAYou will show me The Stooges?
JERRYI will show you The Stooges.
GINAWhen?
JERRYWell, I dont really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.
GINACome, you walk me to a cab.
JERRYWell, uh, I uh, I dont want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe its not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
GINAYoure still afraid. You are not a man.
JERRYWell then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
GINAAre you going to walk me to a cab or not?
JERRYYeah, all right. All right.
KRAMERYou should just eat fruit.
NEWMANI cant eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.
KRAMER???
NEWMANHello Gina. Hello Jerry.
JERRYHello Newman.
JERRYDo you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.
GEORGEPeople smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didnt hurt me.
ELAINE(jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move?
JERRYBoy, its a good thing we came.
GEORGECould there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe theres native unrest.
ELAINEHi, I havent eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.
NURSEWell call you.
JERRYGeorge, I want you to promise me something. If Im ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.
GEORGEHow come?
JERRYLooters.
ELAINEHow do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?
JERRYShes really hungry.
KRAMERHey.
ELAINEKramer
KRAMERWell, Newmans upstairs visiting Martin.
GEORGEWould you buy my Cayman Island ticket?
KRAMERYoure not going?
GEORGENo.
KRAMERWhy not?
GEORGEThe psychic said something terrible will happen.
KRAMERI dig.
KRAMERI want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, shes going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, shes going to kill me.
NEWMANHe cant hear you, you idiot. Why dont you just buy another one.
KRAMERWhy would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?
NEWMANI have a carpet sweeper you can use.
KRAMERI dont want a carpet sweeper. They dont do anything.
NEWMANIt gets my rug clean.
KRAMERThe carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
NEWMANWell, you should take a look at my rug then.
KRAMERI wouldnt set foot in your house.
JERRYHello.
NEWMANHello Jerry.
JERRYHows he doing?
KRAMERHe looks happy to me.
NEWMANI hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.
JERRYWhy wouldnt he?
NEWMANNo reason.
JERRYHell have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.
NEWMANIll bring him up to date.
JERRYHow up to date?
NEWMANOh, all the way up.
JERRYAnd nothing could change your mind?
NEWMANWell, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.
KRAMEROkay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. Hes not going.
NEWMANI dont care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..
JERRYDrakes Coffee Cake
NEWMANWow, where did you get that?
JERRYFrom my house. I got a whole box of them.
NEWMANBoy, thats the full size.
JERRYThats your big boy.
NEWMANCan I have a bite?
JERRYI dont give out bites. I got another one. But Im saving it for later.
NEWMANJust one bite?
JERRYI dont think so. You know they, theyre so fragile.
NEWMANAll right! All right. I wont say anything.
JERRYYou swear?
NEWMANI swear.
JERRYOn your mothers life?
NEWMANOn my mothers life.
KRAMERoh oh oh oh oh
NEWMANOooh,
ELAINEAnd there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.
GEORGEsweetheart, no come here, sweetheart
RULApew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)
GEORGEhow did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.
RULAThe nurse said she would be right back. Theyre supposed to take me into the delivery room.
GEORGEOh, thats great. Thats great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I dont even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldnt get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..
RULAOh, wheres the nurse
GEORGEI dont know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why dont you get a nurse for mommy? Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.
RULADont take that trip.
GEORGEYeah, why? Why?
RULA(screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.
DxAll right, Rula, its time to go.
GEORGEBecause? Because?
ELAINEAssassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! Drakes Coffee Cake? Give me that.
NEWMANJerry, you better stop her or Ill tell.
JERRYElaine! No! No!
MARTINOoooh, ahhhh,
GEORGEAre there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
NEWMANHe did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.
KRAMERI want my vacuum cleaner!
JERRYHey!
NEWMANIt was disgusting.
JERRYWhat are you doing? Were going out to dinner in ten minutes.
GEORGEI never assisted in a birth before. Its really quite disgusting.
JERRYWhat did she name the kid?
GEORGEYou wouldnt believe it. Rasputin.
KRAMERHeey!
GEORGEHey.
JERRYHey.
GEORGEwhen did you get back?
KRAMERA couple of hours ago.
GEORGESo how was it?
KRAMERGeorge, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.
JERRYosh.
KRAMERThey were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
JERRYWoah. (hitting George)
KRAMERNot only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
JERRYWow! (hitting George)
KRAMERI was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson
JERRYOh! (hitting George)
KRAMERWe played Backgammon in the nude.
JERRYOh! (hitting George)
KRAMERShes a sweet kid.
JERRYNude backgammon with swimsuit models!
KRAMEROh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. Thats probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
GEORGEYeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish.
KRAMERYeah.
KRAMERWhats this?
JERRYOh, its an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.
KRAMERThey moved in together?
JERRYYeah, its some place down in the village.
KRAMERPhew.
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEIts Elaine.
JERRYAll right were coming down.
KRAMERHey, where ya going?
JERRYWere taking Elaine to dinner. Shes got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?
KRAMERUm, Id like to but a bunch of us from the islands, well be getting together.
GEORGEElle McPherson going to be there?
KRAMEROH! I got to call her back.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYThe thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't die and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say, pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.