KRAMERAll right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
ELAINECouldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
KRAMERWell, yeah...
ELAINEOk, what time is your job interview George?
GEORGE945
JERRYRemember, don't whistle on the elevator.
GEORGEWhy not?
JERRYThat's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of a salesman'.
GEORGEWhat, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature.
ELAINEAll right, I'm gonna go.
JERRYWhat time is the lesbian wedding?
ELAINE930
GEORGELesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin?
ELAINEYeah, they flip a coin.
GEORGEWhat, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.
JERRYI'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns)
GEORGEI get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking "That's why I'm not heterosexual".
KRAMERJerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go.
JERRYOh, I'm paying for breakfast?
KRAMERYeah.
ELAINEYeah.
GEORGEYeah.
JERRYWhy do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.
GEORGEHow many tickets are you paying today?
KRAMERWell, let's see speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives George a ticket)
GEORGENo doors?
KRAMERI'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks.
GEORGEI can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out.
VIOLIN PLAYERThank you.
GEORGEThat guy is not blind.
JERRYSo, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George?
GEORGEI can't believe they actually found your stolen car.
JERRYNot only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned.
GEORGEThat's amazing.
JERRYSo what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me.
GEORGEWhat are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.
JERRYAll right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
ELAINEI can't. I'm the best man.
JERRYKramer, bumper-cars?
KRAMERI've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?
JERRYCould be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone.
SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train.
ELAINESee'ya.
WOMANYou looking for a job?
GEORGEMe, why?
WOMANWell, you're reading the classifieds.
GEORGEOh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter.
WOMANYou didn't look like someone who needed a job.
GEORGEMe? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep.
WOMANSo, you're in 'the market'?
GEORGEYeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.
WOMANWhich market?
GEORGEWhich market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.
WOMANSo, do you work for one of those big broker-houses?
GEORGEThey wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father.
WOMANReally?
GEORGEWell, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've never looked back.
WOMANI started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
ELAINEIt's ironic.
WomenWhat's ironic?
ELAINEThis, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.
WOMANNo, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?
ELAINEOh...
WOMANWhere are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party?
ELAINEA wedding.
WomenA wedding?
ELAINEYeah
WOMANHah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with men and women.
ELAINEYou're telling me.
WOMANSo, are they a nice couple?
ELAINEOh, very nice.
WOMANWhat does he do, if you don't mind me asking?
ELAINEShe.
WomenShe? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.
ELAINEThere is no he.
WomenThere is no he. So, who's getting married?
ELAINEEm, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.
WomenLesbian wedding.
ELAINEAha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.
Women (talks to man next to her)My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)
ELAINENo, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!
ELAINE'S VOICEI'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not.
ELAINE'S VOICEOh, man. We're stopping?
WOMANWell, this is where I get off.
GEORGEOh, you do?
WOMANEh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.
GEORGENo, no, what, what?
WOMANWell, I was going to say why don't you get off with me, but you're obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something.
GEORGEYeah, well....
WOMANYeah I knew it was a bad idea.
GEORGEHey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when I wanna get off.
GEORGEI'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train! Don't start the train!!
MAN1This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick.
MAN2How do you know it's going to win?
MAN1My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers. Every horse he has ever given me has won. See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his maiden. It's going to go to great price, maybe 301. I'm telling you, it's a lock.
MAN2But it rained last night.
MAN1Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.
MAN2His mudda' was a mudda'?
MAN1What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to call my bookie. (looks around to see if anyone is listening) Hey, don't tell anybody.
JERRYO-K. You realize of course, you're naked?
NAKED MANNaked, dressed. I don't see any difference.
JERRYYou oughta' sit here. There is a difference.
NAKED MANYou got something against naked body?
JERRYI got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust?
NAKED MANWho's got time for squat thrusts?
JERRYAll right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.
NAKED MANI like a good breakfast.
JERRYI understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory.
NAKED MANI'm not ashamed of my body.
JERRYThat's your problem, you should be.
JERRYDon't get up, please, allow me.
ELAINE'S VOICEOh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think the conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!!
GEORGEAre you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket.
WOMANMake your-self comfortable.
GEORGE'S VOICEMake myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.
GEORGEGotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.
KRAMEROh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him.
GUYThe bug boy.
KRAMERYeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break his maiden.
GUYReally? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night.
KRAMEROh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.
GUYHis father was a mudda'?
KRAMERHis mudda' was a mudda'.
GUYHis mudda' was a mudda'?
KRAMERWhat did I just say?
KRAMERHey, all right, 600 Pappanick to win.
NAKED MANThey still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast.
JERRYI'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.
NAKED MANNo hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence.
JERRYDefence? Please. ...They need speed.
NAKED MANSpeed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen.
JERRYFranco's no good? ...They got no team leaders.
NAKED MANThey got Franco! ...What they need is a front office.
JERRYBut you gotta like their chances.
NAKED MANI LUV their chances.
JERRYTell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.
NAKED MANIt's a deal!
ELAINE'S VOICEWhy couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still here! Still here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! *Train starts moving, lights get back on* It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! *Train stops again and lights go off* Motherf(beep-beep)!!!
GEORGEEh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things.
WOMANOh, don't worry. I do.
GEORGEYou know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.
WOMANLike what?
GEORGELike a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts your mother to shame"
GEORGEWhat's going on?
WOMANIt was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I have to get going.
GEORGEGet going? But we haven't really, you know....
WOMANEight dollars? Eight dollars?
GEORGEWhat are you doing? You're robbing me?
WOMANI wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars?
GEORGEWait, wait a second, what are you doing?
WOMANI'm taking your clothes.
GEORGENo, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg.
WOMANBye George.
GEORGENo wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?
(The race is on and Pappanick is slowly making ground. Kramer is pounding himself imitating the j...Yes, yes, yes... The winner is Pappanick)
KRAMERYes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)
NAKED MANI haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years.
JERRYFirst we ride the cyclone.
NAKED MANChilly out.
JERRYAah, French fries.
THUGGive me the money. Give me the money!
BLIND VIOLIN PLAYER(puts a gun to the thug's head) Freeze, Police!
JERRYNo, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed.
ELAINEToo bad.
JERRYYou wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won!
JERRYYou want him?
ELAINEGet that out of my face.
JERRYSo, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!
MAN AT THE COUNTER(yelling) Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna!
GEORGEHow would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little punk?
ELAINEGeorge?
JERRYBiff, what did you whistle on the elevator?
GEORGEYou have my spare-key in your apartment, right?
JERRYYeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.
GEORGEGive me your key, I gotta get it.
KRAMERWhat happened?
GEORGENever mind what happened, just give me the key.
JERRYCome on, I'll go with you.
ELAINEHere, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)
KRAMERWait, wait, wait...