GEORGEWhere'd you meet her?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI met her on an elevator.
GEORGEOn an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYImpossible, right?
GEORGEYou got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. What got into you?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth.
GEORGEWow. What'd you say?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYYou know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.
GEORGEWow.
JERRYCan you believe I did that?
GEORGEWhat did she say?
ISABELWhat crop circles?
JERRYNot a good sign.
GEORGENot everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) Do you know what the crop circles are?
NEWSSTAND OWNERCrop circles? Why don't you buy something?
JERRYYou got something in your teeth there.
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYIt's green.
GEORGEOh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all afternoon.
JERRYDid you bump into anybody you knew?
GEORGEI had a job interview.
JERRYHow'd it go?
GEORGETake a guess.
INTERVIEWERWell, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.
GEORGEOk, thanks.
JERRYWhat do you need a job, you got Audrey.
GEORGEYeah, right.
JERRYWhat's the matter?
GEORGEOh, nothing.
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEYou won't think I'm a bad person?
JERRYToo late for that.
GEORGE'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.
JERRYYeah, she's got a big nose.
GEORGEI mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.
JERRYIt's a schnoz.
GEORGENow, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection.
JERRYA little.
GEORGESo who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.
JERRYStop being so concerned with looks.
JERRYHave you said anything to her about it?
GEORGEI could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.
JERRYAlright, shut up, here they come.
GEORGE(waving) How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.
KRAMERSo my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
ELAINEWon't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?
KRAMERNo no, he's never met her. She's in California.
ELAINEAre you coming with me?
KRAMEROh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc, Peter Von Nostrand.
GEORGEWhy don't you just commit yourself already?
AUDREYWhat is so special about this jacket?
ELAINEHe believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.
AUDREYWhat's the smudge on your hand?
KRAMEROh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.
GEORGEWhat, you didn't wash all day?
KRAMERYeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man.
AUDREYIt's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.
KRAMERWell, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job.
ELAINEKramer!
KRAMERWhat? What?
ELAINEHow could you say something like that?!
KRAMERWhat? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.
ELAINENo no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.
AUDREYNo, it's ok.
ELAINEWhat did you have to say that for?
KRAMERWell, I was just trying to help out.
ELAINEYeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.
KRAMERYou see what happens when you try to be nice?
AUDREYElaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back. What are you thinking about?
GEORGEThinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?
AUDREYYou look like you've got something on your mind.
GEORGEOh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) So how about that Kramer, huh?
AUDREYHow about him?
GEORGEThey way he just says stuff.
AUDREYHe sure does.
GEORGEYeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.
AUDREYSo, what did you think?
GEORGEAbout the pizza?
AUDREYNo, about the nose job.
GEORGEOh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?
AUDREYWell, I've thought about it, but I don't know.
GEORGEYeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.
AUDREYI know, they're good.
GEORGEPeter Jennings had one.
AUDREYReally?
GEORGEProbably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
AUDREYUh huh.
GEORGEIt's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist.
AUDREYI hate the dentist.
GEORGEIt's a cleaning.
AUDREYSo you really think I should do this?
GEORGEIf it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you this Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life.
AUDREYWell, maybe I should.
GEORGEWhat the hell.
ELAINE(barging in) Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job?
GEORGEMe? I didn't say anything.
ELAINEYou encouraged her to get one.
GEORGEI didn't encourage. No encourage.
ELAINEPeter Jennings had one?
GEORGEIt's possible.
ELAINEWell, I think you should accept her for who she is.
AUDREYNo, George is right. I want to get one.
ELAINEI think it's a mistake.
GEORGEMe too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.
GEORGEI'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.
JERRYWell, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
GEORGE(checking his watch) Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock.
JERRYWe have time.
GEORGEIt's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face.
JERRYIt is exciting.
GEORGEOf course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but...
JERRYPlease, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
GEORGEYou're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
JERRYThen what?
GEORGEHe still wins but it's not a blowout.
JERRYShe wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.
JERRY(holding up a piece of paper) I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help me.
KRAMER(taking the paper and tearing it to pieces) I'm proud of you.
JERRYSo I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.
GEORGEGood for you.
JERRYI'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited.
GEORGEIt's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
JERRYIt's not like that at all.
ELAINEHow do you even know the jacket is there?
KRAMERWell I don't, I'm guessing.
GEORGEOkay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine,
AUDREYGeorge?
GEORGEYeah?
AUDREYEnough.
JERRYAlright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road.
ELAINEAre you sure you want us here for this?
AUDREYYes.
JERRYShouldn't a doctor do it?
AUDREYNo, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes.
GEORGEVery exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.
ELAINEIt looks good.
JERRYGreat job.
KRAMERYou got butchered.
JERRYLet's put him over here.
KRAMER(to a fleeing Audrey) Where are you going?
AUDREY(with hand covering nose) To the doctor!
KRAMERWait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.
ELAINEHow ya feeling?
GEORGEToo much salt in my diet.
ELAINECan I get you anything?
GEORGENah, I'm good.
ELAINEYou sure? Anything?
GEORGEMmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it?
ELAINENo, it didn't. No, it didn't.
GEORGEIt's like, all dented.
ELAINESeems to be.
GEORGEWell, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--
ELAINEShut up, George.
GEORGEShut up?
ELAINEYeah.
GEORGEInteresting.
JERRYCome on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number!
KRAMERI don't have it, I threw it out.
JERRYYou're lying! You got it, I want that number!
KRAMERI told you, I threw it out.
JERRYGive it to me!
KRAMERYou told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.
JERRYWell, I changed my mind, I want that number.
KRAMERYou said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number.
JERRYI was lying, give it to me!
KRAMERNo, you told me not to!
JERRYI want that number!
KRAMERAlright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!
AUDREYThe doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. Over here...
GEORGEYeah.
AUDREYYou see this perinasal sinus cavity?
GEORGEOh, I got it.
AUDREYYou see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent.
GEORGEYeah, phew.
AUDREYSo anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about?
GEORGEWhat?
AUDREYRemember we talked about taking a trip together?
GEORGEWe did?
AUDREYYeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?
GEORGEHawaii?
AUDREYAnyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this.
GEORGE(removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous.
AUDREYI never heard that.
GEORGEOh yeah. My friend lived there.
AUDREYWe could go to the Caribbean.
GEORGEYou know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind.
AUDREYGeorge, I don't think this is working.
ISABELEver since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.
JERRYI'm Nelson!
ISABELThat's not the line, Jerry.
JERRYAlright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just need more time.
ISABELI swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go crazy thinking about you.
JERRYWell, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun.
ISABELYeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly.
JERRY(to himself Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.
JERRY'S BRAINWell I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we play one for all the marbles?
JERRY'S PENISOh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!
JERRY'S BRAINI can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little acting scenes.
JERRY'S PENISOh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour, then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night.
JERRY'S BRAINWhat about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do whatever it is you do. You disgust me.
JERRY'S PENISOh, go read a book.
JERRY'S BRAINEnough chatting, let's play.
ELAINEYou know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to the hospital.
KRAMER(filling a pipe) Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything?
ELAINEYeah.
KRAMERWait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here.
ELAINEWhat do I need this for?
KRAMERBecause we're engaged.
ELAINEWe're engaged?
KRAMERUm hm.
ELAINEKramer, this is too big.
KRAMER(lighting his pipe) It's my mom's.
LANDLORDHello?
ELAINEOh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.
LANDLORDOh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer) And you must be Professor Von Nostrand?
KRAMERYes, yes I am.
LANDLORDI've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it.
KRAMERUh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
LANDLORDTell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?
KRAMERMy contention?
LANDLORDYes, your contention.
KRAMERYes, that's my contention.
ELAINEI heard him contend that.
LANDLORDIt's too bad about your father.
ELAINEOh, it was a frame-up.
LANDLORDA fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work you're doing.
ELAINEOh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing.
KRAMERShe does fine work.
LANDLORDYour father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this way.
ELAINEHow kind of you.
LANDLORDYou know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe.
JERRY'S BRAINWhat's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha ha!
ISABELNelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of you.
JERRY'S PENISIt's killing me. (Makes a move)
JERRY'S BRAINThat's your move?
JERRY'S PENISYeah.
JERRY'S BRAINWell that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate!
JERRY'S PENIS(beginning to cough and struggle) Getting weak... Losing power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing without me. Nothing!
JERRY'S BRAIN(before disappearing himself) Punk.
JERRYIsabel, uh, I don't think this is working.
ELAINEDaddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe.
LANDLORDHe is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies.
ELAINEMy father, really? I had no idea.
LANDLORDYes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs
KRAMERYou don't say?
ELAINEI found it!
LANDLORDThe woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!"
KRAMERSo I grabbed the guy by the collar.
ELAINEYeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!"
JERRYSo I assume the jig was up.
ELAINEYeah, pretty much.
AUDREYHi.
ELAINEHi!
JERRYHey.
AUDREY(to George) Hello.
GEORGE(smitten) Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it!
AUDREY(motioning to Kramer) Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.
ELAINESo, will I see you later tonight?
AUDREYNot sure.
KRAMER(rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder) Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?
AUDREY(holding up her hand to show the stamp) I didn't wash.
KRAMERNeither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge.
ELAINE(after they leave) Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like--
GEORGE(interrupting) Elaine. Shut up.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYCan you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see is typing everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the words on there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in the roller of the typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there, only I'm allowed up here." First scene. Jerry and George are at a newsstand.
JERRYYou know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England. (end of flashback)
JERRYToo late for that. GEORGE 'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big. JERRY Yeah, she's got a big nose.
JERRYStop being so concerned with looks. (momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number) JERRY Have you said anything to her about it?
JERRYTHIS THIS Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life.
JERRYShe wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day. (flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment) JERRY I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help me.
JERRYIt's not like that at all. New scene. Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment.
JERRYThe technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform a cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term."