GEORGEShe thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don'tnice.
JERRYThis is amazing, I haven't seen one person go in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy.
GEORGEWhy is nice bad? What kind a of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?
JERRYWhat's that smell? What are you wearing?
GEORGEWhat, a 'little' cologne.
JERRYManly.
GEORGEMonica wants me to wear it.
JERRYSo why didn't you say no?
GEORGEI'm too nice.
JERRYLook at this poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan -- they're waiting him to send back money. This is horrible.
GEORGEShe wants me to take an IQ test.
JERRYThat's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.
GEORGENo, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, so I have to be a guinea pig.
JERRYI've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody.
GEORGEYou know, I can't talk to you anymore.
JERRYAll right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.
GEORGEYeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.
JERRYWho thinks you're smart?
GEORGEI'm not going to break a hundred on this thing.
JERRYWhat thing?
GEORGEYou don't listen when people talk to you anymore!
JERRYOh, Oh, the IQ thing...yeah.
GEORGEI'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.
JERRYWhat'd ya get?
GEORGEWhat did I get or what do I say I got?
JERRYWhat do you say?
GEORGEI say fourteen o nine (1409).
JERRY1409, that's a good score.
GEORGEPsst, You're telling me.
JERRYWhat did you really get?
GEORGEYou are my friend.
JERRYOf course.
GEORGEI tell you everything, right?
JERRYI hope so.
GEORGEWell, this I take to the grave.
JERRYHe's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in.
ELAINEWhy do you keep watching?
JERRYI don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, y-y-you kind of root for him for a second.
ELAINEAnd then you flush.
JERRYWell, it's a spider.
ELAINEYou know, sometimes people won't go in a place, if they don't see anyone else in there.
ELAINEDo you have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.
JERRYBazooka Joe.
JERRYThe buzzer.
ELAINEIt's your house.
JERRYMy house? You gotta be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? (to the intercom)
INTERCOMIt's George.
JERRYCome on up.
ELAINECasus belli.
JERRYWhat's that?
ELAINEIt's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud.
JERRYCome on, Go in, go in! [watching Dream Cafe with binoculars again]
ELAINEHave you gone in there?
JERRYNo, I'm afraid we'll start talking, and I'll gonna wind up going partners with him.
GEORGEHey.
JERRYYou know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.
GEORGEI'm wearing some cologne, all right?
ELAINESure, fine.
JERRYCasus belli.
ELAINECasus belli.
GEORGEWhat's that?
ELAINESince when do you wear cologne?
GEORGEWhy is what I do is so important? Why must I be always the focal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.
JERRYHey, how'd you do on that IQ test?
GEORGEI didn't take it, yet.
ELAINEWhat IQ test?
GEORGEWhat's casus belli.
JERRYOh, it's nothing...
GEORGEIs it about me?
JERRYWhy must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? (Elaine laughs - hu) Why can't you live?
ELAINEIt's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?
JERRYThis woman he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.
ELAINEOh, that sounds like fun.
GEORGEYeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.
ELAINEYou'll do well, you're smart.
JERRYNo see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.
ELAINEWha'd you get on your SAT's?
GEORGEIt varies.
JERRYYou know, I don't even know my IQ.
ELAINEhuh, Mine's 145.
GEORGE145!
JERRYGet out of here!
ELAINEYou get out of here!
JERRYYou get out of here!
ELAINEHuhuhuhuhuhuhu (laughing)
GEORGEShst, You should take the test for me.
ELAINEHuh.
JERRYBoy that'd be something, cheating on a IQ test.
GEORGEHaha (laughs)
JERRYHey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that. (stepping over Elaine then George's legs to get to the large blue chair and sits down.)
GEORGEYeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why don't we do it again?
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGEYou could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out a window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor.
ELAINEAre you serious?
GEORGEWhy not?
ELAINEWhere would I take the test?
GEORGEI don't know, she lives right around the corner. You could take it here or go to the coffee shop.
ELAINENo, that'd be too noisy.
JERRYTake it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep.
ELAINEHey, what do you think?
JERRYHey, I love a good caper.
ELAINEYeah, that's what is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.
GEORGEYou'll do it?
ELAINEWhat the hey.
GEORGEYeaah, beautiful... (They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.) Sorry...
Babu BhattWelcome to the Dream Cafe.
JERRYWell, ah, I've been looking forward to it.
BABUOh, ah how did you hear about us?
JERRYEh, people, people are talking.
BABUSmoking or non-smoking? We are proud to offer both.
JERRYAh, non-smoking would be great.
BABUVery good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot folded face cloth for your pleasure.
JERRYThank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.]
BABUOur specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.
JERRYWell, ah w-what do you recommend my good fellow?
BABUOh, the turkey.
JERRYWell then the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here, my friend. I'm sure you flourish at this location for many, many years.
BABUYou're very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind...
JERRY(thinks) Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people the way I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel Prize?
GEORGEYou go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.
MONICABut why?
GEORGEI won't be able to, concentrate in front of you.
MONICAOh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything.
GEORGEAre you kidding me? [Elaine walks past the window glancing in] This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons' intelligence.
MONICAWell, I certainly don't place any importance on it.
GEORGEWell, I think you're wrong about that. [Elaine walks past the window again, glancing in] And ah now if you'll excuse me, I'd really like to get started, please.
MONICAGood luck.
GEORGEDon't need it. N'huhuhu (laughs)
ELAINEWhat's been going on out there? I've been standing here 20 minutes.
GEORGEI'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this - hhe.
ELAINEAll right, what time do you want me back here.
GEORGEAh, ah, twenty to three.
ELAINEOk.
GEORGEThanks again.
ELAINEAll right.
GEORGEA-and don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. Heheheh (laughs)
JERRYThank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.
BABUIt is in deed my pleasure.
JERRYOh, please...
BABUOh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. (runs to get a menu.) Our specials today...
ELAINEOh, no no no. I'll just have a tea and toast. (sits down across the table from Jerry)
BABUTea and toast.
JERRYEat something! Babu...
ELAINEUm, ok, ah well I'll have the, th-ri-rigatoni.
BABUOh, oh very good choice. Very good.
JERRYOh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating.
ELAINEI know.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
KRAMEROh boy. Woop...
KRAMERJerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine... (pats her on the shoulder twice.)
ELAINEHey.
KRAMERThis guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.
JERRYSo?
KRAMERWell, I'm not giving it back.
JERRYWhy not?
KRAMERWell because I meet a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. I mean why do you think my mother went out with him?
KRAMEROh, gees...
ELAINEOk,
KRAMERYou're all right
ELAINEYeah, ok... (takes the test and moves to another table.)
KRAMER(eating some nachos) Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?
JERRYStatute.
KRAMERWhat?
JERRYStatute of limitations. It's not a statue.
KRAMERNo, it's statue.
JERRYFine, it's a sculpture of limitations.
KRAMERWait a minute, Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?
ELAINEStatute.
KRAMEROh, I really think you're wrong.
ELAINELook, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a lot of time.
KRAMERWhat test?
ELAINEAn IQ test.
KRAMERHmm. Why you takin' an IQ test?
ELAINEIt's for George.
KRAMERGeorge?
ELAINEYeah, can-look ... can I explain it to you later?
KRAMERYeah, but why are you taking an IQ test for George?
ELAINEWould you please?!
KRAMERWhat, is it for a job or something?
ELAINELater!
KRAMERYou're positive it's statute?
ELAINEYes, yes! (Jerry shaking his head, like he can't believe what he's seeing)
BABUWelcome, welcome. A steaming hot face towel for your... (gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams, Elaine screams and Kramer falls from his chair. He gets up and is dazed)
MONICAGeorge?
GEORGEYeah?
MONICAThe door is locked.
GEORGEOh, it's locked?
MONICAI need to get something.
GEORGEMonica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer. (turns to the next page)
MONICAGeorge!
GEORGEWish I could. (raises the magazine up in front of his face and continues reading.)
BABUNananeena, Ladadeeda, laadadeeda, saadina.... Laadadeeda sa saadina (singing too loud)
ELAINEBabu! Ba-If-if ya don't mind?
BABUSet. ok
ELAINESet.
BABUI'll get it ...
ELAINEOh my God! It's all over the test!
BABUOh, I did sc-I'm terribly sorry.
JERRYOh my God.
ELAINEOh man! Look at this... I'm out of time anyway.
BABUPlease, forgive me, please...
JERRYGo ahead, I'll take care of it.
ELAINEUhh.
BABU(opens the door for Elaine) Please, I'm very sorry. Tell your friends!
JERRYIt's all right, she was cheating anyway.
BABUYou're a very kind man.
JERRYBabu, you're Pakistani, right?
BABUYes, Pakistani, yes.
JERRYBabu, may I say something?
BABUOf course, you're very smart man, I listen.
JERRYI am not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to say t-the franks and beans for example.
BABUBut there are no Pakistani people here.
JERRYDoesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.
BABUYes, you see everything, don't you?
JERRYWell, you know; not everything. I do what I can.
BABUI close down today and when I open again it'll be all Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you so much, you're very special person, very special.
ELAINEIt was an accident.
GEORGEWhat did you go on a picnic?
ELAINEBabu Bhatt did it.
GEORGEBabu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this?
MONICATime's up George.
GEORGEU-ok. (George closes the window and shoos Elaine off. He opens the door to Monica.) Here you go.
MONICAHow did you do?
GEORGEPiece of cake; hu.
MONICAWhat happened to the test?
GEORGEWhat? Oh I spilled some food on it.
MONICAFood? What food?
GEORGEWhat are you talking about?
MONICAWhere did you get food?
GEORGEFrom my pocket.
MONICAYour pocket?
GEORGEI eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.
MONICAAnd coffee?
GEORGEYeah, had some coffee, yeah.
MONICAWhere did you get the coffee?
GEORGEWhere did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, at the grocery store. (small laugh)
MONICAHow did you get there?
GEORGEI walked.
MONICAHow did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.
GEORGEI climbed out the window.
MONICAYou climbed out the window?
GEORGEOf course.
MONICAWhy didn't you go out the door?
GEORGEThe door? Why would I go out the door? The window's right here.
MONICAYou're a fascinating man, George Costanza.
[Jerry's apartment, Jerry and Elaine. Jerry is looking Dream cafe with binoculars. There's a sign...Closed for renovation.]
JERRYThe average person in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me.
ELAINEYou're very special.
KRAMERHey, do me a favor... Some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.
JERRYOf course, I always do.
KRAMERNo, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.
ELAINEJust give it back to him.
KRAMEROh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.)
JERRYHey Georgie!
GEORGEComing up.
JERRYHow'd you do on the IQ test?!
GEORGE85!
JERRYWhat?!!
GEORGE85, Jerry! 85 IQ !
ELAINE85?
JERRYWell, well, well...
ELAINEHe's coming up?
JERRYWell, I'm no genius but, according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.
ELAINEYeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.
JERRYWell, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions on hunting and testicles...
GEORGEOh, hello Professor.
ELAINEGeorge, I cannot believe...
GEORGEPlease...
ELAINENo there has got be a mistake.
GEORGEYou should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
JERRYBut an 85?
ELAINEListen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.
ELAINEJerry! It was! Let me take it again.
GEORGEOoh ho hoo, forget it.
ELAINEOh, come on, come on. I?ll guarantee 140. What do you have to lose?
GEORGEYou could do worse!
ELAINENo, no, come on. I guarantee it.
GEORGEAll right, I'll ask her.
ELAINEOk, now where I'm going to take it.
JERRYTake it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions.
JERRYWell, congratulations my friend. You know, I'm sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.
BABUYou see how I listen. I work very hard, borrow more money.
JERRYI think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.
BABUYou wish to eat?
JERRYLet me tell you something Babu. You go back in that kitchen -- tell your chef I want the works.
BABUVery good.
ELAINE(stretching) Oh Man... Uunh.
ELAINEWhat are you doing?
KRAMERQuiet. Shh, don't say anything.
ELAINEWhat's going on?
MAN BEHIND THE DOORHey, Kramer! I saw you go there! I'm not leaving until you gimme that jacket. (Bangs on the door) Open up Kramer!
ELAINEWha'd you come in here for?
KRAMERAh, well I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.
ELAINEWell Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here.
KRAMERI thought you took the test.
ELAINEI had to take it again.
KRAMERHow come?
ELAINEWhat's the difference?!!
KRAMERWell, you can't leave now.
ELAINEWhat?
MAN BEHIND THE DOORCome on, Kramer! I want that jacket back!
KRAMERNever!
MONICACome on George, open up.
MONICAWell?
GEORGEHow' you doing?
MONICAWhere's the test?
GEORGEHunh, You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to, to get a cup of coffee...
JERRYBabu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just, it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?
BABUThe shrimp is stringy?
JERRYWell, maybe your refrigerator...
BABUQuiet!!
JERRYNo I...
BABUYou shut up!
JERRYWell I...
BABUYou make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!
JERRYYou know, I think I'll just take the check.
BABUYou bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves]
JERRY(thinking) Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?
MONICAAre you looking for George?
ELAINEWell eh, kind of....
MONICAGeorge left.
ELAINEOh.
MONICAIs, that the test?
ELAINEOh, this...emm...yeah...here you go.
MONICAThanks. I hope you do a lot better this time.
ELAINEActually, you know I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entrate.
JERRYYou know what it was, bad location.
GEORGECome on, lets not stand here too long, we might run in to her.
JERRYAren't you cold? Where's your jacket?
KRAMERh-Yeah...
JERRYOh, sorry.
KRAMERI'm going upstairs.
ELAINEHey guys...
JERRYHey.
ELAINEI just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151.
JERRY151?
ELAINEYeah..heheah (laughing a bit)
GEORGEThat's a good score.
JERRYSo, what are you up for? How about Mexican?
GEORGEItalian.
ELAINENo, Chinese.
JERRYYou know, what would be great?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYThere's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.' (George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across the street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says Grand opening.)
JERRYWhat did you get?
JERRYIt's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman, your Spiderman, your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?"