JERRYDoes it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual social life? he's always talking about dates and women that he knows and bringing them back to the suitcase at night, there's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere you know, kinky things cuz he's made out of wood an' he can spin his head around, we're somehow expected to believe because the face is soo animated that they think we aren't noticing that the feet are just swinging there, dummy feet never look right do they? they're just kinda dangling there, always kinda askew you know? you always see just little ankle, those thin fabric ankles that they have you know. Ya think 'I don't think this thing is real.'
JERRYLet me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station?
KRAMERenters
JERRYYa' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye.
KRAMERWhat's the problem?
JERRYThis you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it.
KRAMERDo you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000
JERRYIt doesn't work like that.
KRAMERIf it's a dime a day it could be $100,000
JERRYIt's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker. She wore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ...
JERRYThat orange dress is burned in my memory
KRAMEROh, memory burn.
JERRYI wonder what ever happened to her.
KRAMERHow did they ever find you?
JERRYOh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely ridiculous.
JERRYIt's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library
KRAMERYou know I never got a library card.
JERRY(to speaker) Coming down.
KRAMERIt's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh,
JERRYI gotta go to the library. You want to go?
KRAMERYeah,
KRAMERThe Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.
JERRYWhere's George
READERShhh.
KRAMERTryin' to save a quarter.
JERRYI kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.
JERRYThis woman's completely ignoring me.
KRAMERLook at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ... Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
JERRYEventually a little shot of penicillin
LIBRARIANYes?
JERRYYeah I called before. I got his notice in the mail.
LIBRARIANOh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
KRAMERBookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman?
LIBRARIANIt's true.
KRAMERThat's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone.
LIBRARIANLt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes.
JERRYCan I speak with this Bookman?
LIBRARIANJust a second.
GEORGEJerry, Jerry
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEI think I saw him. I think it's him.
JERRYWho?
GEORGEDid you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine
JERRYYeah.
KRAMERyeah
GEORGEI think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School.
READERShhh.
JERRY(whispers) Haymen, Are you sure?
GEORGEHe's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him.
JERRYGeorge got him fired. He squealed on him.
KRAMEROoh tattle tale
GEORGE(yells) I didn't tattle
READERShh Shh
KRAMERWhat did this guy do? What happened?
GEORGEThere was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it.
KRAMEROh come on, You can tell me.
GEORGESome other time.
KRAMERWhat tonight?
KRAMERY'know I never figured you for a squealer.
JERRYOh, he sang like a canary.
LIBRARIANMr. Bookman's not here.
JERRYNot here? Why was I told to come down here?
LIBRARIANHe'll be out all afternoon on a case.
KRAMERHe's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?
JERRYWell what am I supposed to do now?
LIBRARIANI'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.
JERRYAll right Thanks. Come on lets go
GEORGELet's see if it's Hayman?
KRAMERHey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card?
ELAINEWhere's Karen?
SECRETARYShe went to pick up lunch.
ELAINEWell, she didn't ask me what I wanted.
SECRETARYShe must have forgot.
ELAINEHow could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years?
SECRETARYI don't know anything.
ELAINEAh, you don't know anything. You see, "I don't know anything", means there's something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said "You're crazy."
ELAINEOh, hi Mr. Lippman.
LIPPMANElaine,
ELAINEUm, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of Columbus, I gave you?
LIPPMANYes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this water is still too cold.
ELAINEOoh yeah, It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth.
ELAINEI'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. And then that lunch thing.
JERRYSo they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal!
ELAINEWhat do you know. You've never worked in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See, George, you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH!
GEORGEI don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?
ELAINEWhat did he do?
GEORGEHe purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say, "Can't stand ja". "Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.
JERRYI remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hangin' down by his ,...
GEORGEOK, OK, I never even had him for gym.
JERRYI had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse.
GEORGELittle baked beans
JERRYEchh
ELAINECome on tell me what happened.
GEORGEWell, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. ... ME!
GEORGE... Those spastic shnitzer twins ...
HEYMANCan't stand ja ... Can't stand ja
GEORGEYes, Mr. Hayman
HEYMANYour underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.
GEORGEWell I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.
HEYMANBoxer shorts, ha ha, Well what brand?
GEORGEI'm not really sure, I...
HEYMANWell let's take a look.
GEORGEHe gave me a wedgie.
JERRYHe got fired the next day.
ELAINEWhy do they call it a wedgie?
GEORGEBecause the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in..
JERRYThey also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare.
ELAINEBoys are sick.
JERRYWell what do girls do ?
ELAINEWe just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder. guy who ruined his life.
GEORGEI gotta go back to the library and talk to him. I gotta find out if I&Mac226;m the guy who ruined his life.
KRAMERHey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library he's waiting for ya.
JERRYWhat's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?
JERRYOh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
BOOKMANYou got any coffee?
JERRYCoffee?
BOOKMANYeah. Coffee.
JERRYNo, I don't drink coffee.
BOOKMANYeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
JERRYNo, I don't have--
BOOKMANYou don't have any instant coffee?
JERRYWell, I don't normally--
BOOKMANWho doesn't have instant coffee?
JERRYI don't.
BOOKMANYou buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.
JERRYReally? I'll have to remember that.
BOOKMANYou took this book out in 1971.
JERRYYes, and I returned it in 1971.
BOOKMANYeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
JERRYLook, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
BOOKMANYou're a comedian, you make people laugh.
JERRYI try.
BOOKMANYou think this is all a big joke, don't you?
JERRYNo, I don't.
BOOKMANI saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
JERRYCertainly not.
BOOKMANWell, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
KRAMERWhat's wrong?
MARIONIt's Bookman the library cop.
KRAMERSo I, I didn't do anything wrong.
MARIONI'm supposed to be at work. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here.
KRAMERWhy don't ya' leave?
MARIONI can't.
JERRYNo way I'm payin' that! I returned that book in 1971. I have a witness Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it. (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ...
SHERRYKevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think.
JERRYSo Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?
SHERRYI remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.
JERRYPurple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?
SHERRYPositive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne?
JERRYNo Black Jack?
SHERRYUch! Licorice gum? Never! We were ah, reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book,
JERRYTropic of Cancer.
SHERRYNo, Tropic of Capricorn
JERRYTropic of Capricorn?
SHERRYRememba? What holds the world togetha' ... "As I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse ."
JERRYWait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them.
JERRYGeorge, here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.
GEORGEJerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it
JERRYOk, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.
SHERRYWhere ya' going?
JERRYIt was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. (to old man that enters) It was GEORGE!
KRAMERRead another poem.
MARIONPressed chest fleshed out west Might be the saviour or a garden pest.
KRAMERWow, that is great. You should be published.
KRAMERYou know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed.
MARIANOh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo HELLO!
KRAMERHELLO!
MARIANHELLO!
KRAMERHELLO!
MARIANHELLO!
BOOKMAN (emerging)Hello!
MARIAN (turning, surprised)Mr. Bookman.
BOOKMANI remember when the librarian was a much older woman Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?
ELAINELippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good
JERRYMaybe you're getting' a raise.
ELAINEMaybe I'm getting' a wedgie.
ELAINEWhat?
GEORGEIt's George
ELAINEGeorge is on his way up.
JERRYWait 'til I tell him about the book.
KRAMER(reading) sobs
ELAINEAre you OK? What? What?
KRAMERIt's Marion's poetry. I can't take it (leaves sobbing)
ELAINERemember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT
JERRYI'm right here.
ELAINERemember that Columbus book?
JERRYColumbus, Euro trash.
GEORGEWell, it's definetly him.
ELAINEHim? Him who?
GEORGEHim who? Hayman him.
ELAINEHayman The gym teacher? You found him?
GEORGEOh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus
JERRYThat was double overtime.
GEORGESo I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie.
ELAINEAt least it wasn't atomic.
GEORGEIt was.
JERRYSo Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER
GEORGEHow should I know?
JERRYBecause I gave it to you.
GEORGEMe?
JERRYYeah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room.
GEORGEThe locker room!
JERRYHere's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.
GEORGEJerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.
JERRYAll right, I'll see you after school. I,,m late for Hayman's hygiene.
HEYMANCan't Stand Ya'.
GEORGEYes Mr. Hayman.
HEYMANYour underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.
GEORGEWell I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.
HEYMANBoxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?
GEORGEI'm not really sure, I...
HEYMANWell let's take a look.
GEORGE(shouting) No No No!
JERRYAnyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.
BOOKMANHard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?
JERRYWhat is your problem?
BOOKMANWhat's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.
JERRY(after Bookman exits) That is one tough monkey! (turns to Elaine) So you were saying?
ELAINEOh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much.
JERRYOh, beautiful did he like them?
ELAINENo, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!
JERRY(to George) Was he out there?
GEORGENa, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him.
JERRYI guess we'll never know.
HEYMANCan't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground)
JERRYAny day that you had gym it was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock strap?" Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day.