JERRYEvry-Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. No, he's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher." And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. And everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."
JULIANNA...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want.
JERRYWhat do you think the worst part of being blind is?
JULIANNAExcuse me?
JERRYYou know, if you were blind, what do you think the worst part of it would be?
JULIANNAI don't know.
JERRYI think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.
JULIANNAWell that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater.
JERRYYou hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
JULIANNANo.
JERRYHe was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
JULIANNAOh.
JERRYImagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. (she starts the quick hand chops on his back) And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people.
JULIANNA (visibly uncomfortable)Have you seen any good movies?
JERRYWho takes care of your boy during the day?
JULIANNAWe have a woman. Why?
JERRYNo no. I'm just saying.
JULIANNAShe had references.
JERRYOh I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge `em.
JERRY(about the massage)You know I think this is really helping.
JULIANNAI don't live near here, ya know!
JERRYSo she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.
ELAINEI don't like to talk during a massage.
JERRYNeither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.
GEORGEYeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's nothing to eat in here.
ELAINEOh! I forgot to tell you--
JERRYI'm in the middle of a story.
ELAINEOh, okay, go ahead.
GEORGEWhy don't you ever go shopping?
JERRYWell its not like it's a really funny story or anything.
ELAINEWhat happened?
JERRYWell so she mentioned that she had a son, and then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.
ELAINEOh, wasn't that terrible?
JERRYYes, it was.
GEORGENot even an apple.
ELAINEShe doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid.
JERRYI know it was stupid.
ELAINEReally stupid. (she takes a big sip from her bottled water.)
JERRYHey, I just said it was stupid.
GEORGEWhat about this leftover Chinese food?
JERRYTake it.
ELAINEI can't believe you said that.
JERRYHey, would you stop it already?
ELAINESo, whatd she say?
JERRYI don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid.
GEORGE(he just took a bite of the Chinese food ) This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger. (puts the container back in the refrigerator.)
ELAINEI have a good masseuse you could go to.
JERRYNah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance.
GEORGEPhysical therapy is covered by insurance?
JERRYYeah.
GEORGEYou don't have to pay for the massage?
JERRYNot if you have a doctor's note.
ELAINESo where do you get this note?
JERRYWell I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.
GEORGERight, your friend Roy.
ELAINEWhat's the name of this physical therapist?
JERRYI'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off.
GEORGEAnd you don't have to pay.
GEORGEWe have a, three-o'clock appointments.
RECEPTIONISTGeorge and Elaine, right?
ELAINERight.
RECEPTIONISTCould you fill these out for me please? And um, Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna
ELAINE(quietly) Ok.
RECEPTIONISTAnd George, you'll be with Raymond.
GEORGEExcuse me, did you say 'Raymond'?
RECEPTIONISTYes.
GEORGEBut, uh, Raymond is a man.
RECEPTIONISTThat's right.
GEORGEI can't get a massage from a man.
ELAINEWhy not?
GEORGEWhat, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.
ELAINENo, I don't want the man either.
GEORGEWhat's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.
ELAINEHe'd just be touching your back.
GEORGEHe'd just be touching your back too.
ELAINENo, it could get sexual.
GEORGEI know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.
ELAINEI wouldn't be comfortable.
GEORGEI would? What if something happens?
ELAINEWhat could happen?
GEORGEWhat if it felt good?
ELAINEIt's supposed to feel good.
GEORGEI don't want it to feel good.
ELAINEThen why get the massage?
GEORGEExactly!
RAYMONDGeorge?
GEORGEYes?
RAYMONDI'm Raymond. (with a big smile)
GEORGEHello.(with not a big smile)
RAYMONDAre you ready? (smiling, he looks at Elaine. She smiles back at him while looking all the way up there at the tall, handsome Raymond.)
RAYMONDAnd then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office.
GEORGEReally.
RAYMONDUse to be a flight attendant.
GEORGEOh boy.
RAYMONDYa know, why don't ya, open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier that way.
RAYMONDSo what do you do?
GEORGEWhat?
RAYMONDI said, 'What do you do?'.
GEORGEI-I don't know.
RAYMONDYou don't know what you do?
GEORGENah.
RAYMONDOhh-ho, come on. Hey, you're very tense.
GEORGEhu, Coffee. Too much coffee (nervous laughter).
RAYMONDOkay, just take off those pants now, and I'll work the hamstring.
GEORGEOh, the hamstrings fine.
RAYMONDBut you wrote that it was tender. (holding the clip board)
GEORGEI wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote.
RAYMONDI'll check it out. (makes a notation on the form)
GEORGEAre you sure?
RAYMONDYeah, take 'em off. (continues writing)
RAYMONDHow did you hurt this?
GEORGEI don't know.
RAYMONDYou don't know?
GEORGENo.
RAYMONDBut you just told me--
GEORGEKorea.
RAYMONDYou hurt it in Korea?
GEORGEWhat?
RAYMONDThe hamstring.
GEORGEKorea.
RAYMONDHow?
GEORGEHamstring.
RAYMONDHow did you hurt the hamstring?
GEORGEHotel.
ELAINEHow'd it go? George?
JERRYNo appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.
JERRYWhat's with you?
GEORGEA... ah...
JERRYYes, A...?
GEORGEA man gave me...
JERRYYes, a man gave you...?
GEORGEA man gave me... a massage. hu, hu
JERRYSo?
GEORGESo he... had his hands and, uh, he was uh
JERRYHe was what?!
GEORGEHe-he was uh touching and rubbing. (nervous laugh)
JERRYThat's a massage.
GEORGEAnd then I took my pants off.
JERRYYou took your pants off?
GEORGEFor my hamstring.
JERRYOh.
GEORGEHe got about uh, two inches from... there.
JERRYReally?
GEORGEI think it moved.
JERRYMoved?
GEORGEIt may have moved, I don't know.
JERRYI'm sure it didn't move.
GEORGEIt moved! It was imperceptible but I-I felt it.
JERRYMaybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.
GEORGENo, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.
JERRYOkay, so what if it moved?
GEORGEThat's the sign! The test; if a - if a man makes it move.
JERRYThat's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves, as a result of contact.
GEORGEYou think it's contact? It has to be touched?
JERRYThat's what a gym teacher once told me.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERI just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I-I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut.
JERRYJoe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?
KRAMERYeah. Joe DiMaggio.
JERRYNo, I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut, he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.
KRAMERWell maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.
GEORGEI don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch.
JERRYI can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts.
KRAMERWhy can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?
JERRYHe can have a donut,
KRAMERYeah.
JERRYbut not at Dinky.
GEORGEI don't even like to use urinals, always been a stall man.
KRAMERLook I'm tellin-- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm telling ya, that was Joe DiMaggio.
GEORGEThe guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.
JERRYI never said I'd do that.
GEORGEWhat are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that.
JERRYI don't know how I feel about it.
GEORGEOh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?
JERRYAlright, alright.
KRAMERA stall man, huh? (small laugh)
GEORGEAll right -- (Gets up to leave)
KRAMERWha-ha-a-at? (makes a gesture with his hand)
JERRY...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.
GEORGEHe didn't say he can't.
JERRYI mean, if you feel funny about it, at all.
GEORGEHe doesn't feel funny.
JERRYIf he does.
GEORGEDo you feel funny? He didn't say anything.
JERRYHe feels funny. You don't have to do this.
GEORGEHe knows that!
JERRYRoy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?
GEORGEOh, can you be any more dramatic?
ROYDon't be ridiculous. (Notices George looking at a poster on the wall) Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he?
GEORGEHow would I know?
ROYDo you like him?
GEORGEWhat do you mean, like him?
ROYDo you like him?
GEORGEI mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him.
ROYHow come you don't like him?
GEORGEWhy should I?
JERRYWhat is the matter with you?
GEORGENothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different?
ROYSo, you want the notes?
JERRYYou don't have to, really.
ROYNah nah, it's ok.
JERRYWe should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?
JERRYWell what about the week after?
JERRYNo appointments at all? (motions to Elaine to move over)
ELAINEWhat? (he bumps her with his butt to move over)
JERRYCan I - can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment, about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYWell you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there.
ELAINEHey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first.
KRAMERHey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.
JERRYUh huh.
KRAMERYeah.
ELAINEJoe DiMaggio?
KRAMERJoe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied, his every move. For example, he dunks.
ELAINEJoe DiMaggio dunks his donut?!
KRAMERThat's right.
JERRYSee, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.
KRAMEROh, he's a dunker.
ELAINEWhy couldn't he be a dunker?
KRAMERAnd nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, I-I, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And, uh, I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that hell look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.
ELAINESo then what?
KRAMERWell, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.
ELAINEWhy didn't you just call out his name?
JERRYWhat happened to you?
GEORGEThese kids called me a Mary.
ELAINEA what?
GEORGEI was jumping over a puddle, and for some reason I went like this. (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) And they called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
KRAMERYeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
ELAINEHey, George? What is this? (laughing, Elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) What is that? No really, what is that?
JERRYHello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god. Wel-- how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud.
KRAMER (singing)...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe...
JERRYI told you.
GEORGETold me what?
JERRYI told you we shouldn't do it.
GEORGEHe didn't say anything.
JERRYHe's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes.
ELAINEThree notes?
JERRYYeah, you, me and George.
ELAINEYou got me a note?
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEBut I got my own note.
JERRYYou what?
ELAINEI got a note from my gynecologist.
JERRYWhy'd you do that?
ELAINEI didn't know you were getting me a note.
JERRYOf course I was getting you a note.
ELAINEBut you didn't say anything. Ohhh
JERRYNeither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors.
GEORGENo Doctor--
ELAINEWait a--
KRAMERHow can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yyyeeah.
JERRYHi Pam.
PAMHello.
GEORGEHello.
JERRYI just thought ahh maybe I could talk to Roy, if um
ROYPam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi.
JERRYHi Roy.
GEORGEHow ya doing?
ROYCome on back, I have a patient but she's under.
JERRYI don't even know what to say.
GEORGEMe neither.
JERRYI knew this would happen.
GEORGEMe too.
JERRYI mean the whole thing, it's just...
GEORGETragic.
JERRYWell it's not tragic.
GEORGENo?
JERRYNo, it's...
GEORGEUnsettling?
JERRYOkay. I mean, what if the--
PAMI hope you're both happy. (she turns and walks away)
JERRYI'm not happy.
GEORGEMe neither. I've never been happy.
JERRYI mean I'm happy sometimes, but-but not now.
GEORGEIn college, maybe. Those were fun times.
JERRYYeah, college was fun.
GEORGEYeah.
JERRYYeah.
PAMYou know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that? (she turns and walks away again.)
ROYDon't mind her.
JERRYOh please, I love her.
GEORGEI've just met her but I'm very impressed.
ROYI can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before.
JERRYWell what's the next move, what's gonna happen now?
ROYWell, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story.
JERRYWhat? The physical therapist? Why?
ROYShe just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem.
GEORGEHow ya doing?
JERRYHi. Ah look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.
RECEPTIONISTI'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not in.
JERRYYeah, I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her.
RECEPTIONISTI told you, she's not here.
JERRYYou don't understand, ah
RECEPTIONISTLook, you have to leave.
JERRYWait a second, don't you--
JERRYHi. Hi. Look, I don't know what you think --
JULIANNAPlease!
JERRY--but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance--
JULIANNAI treated you, so please, just get out of the office!
JERRYCan't you just listen to me?
JULIANNA (releasing her child)Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door! (to the receptionist) Call the police!
JERRYThe police?
RAYMONDWhat is the --. Hi George. (stands there with a big smile)
GEORGEHello.
JERRY (to George)Raymond?
ELAINEWell, I mean it's only a six month probation, it's a slap on the wrist.
JERRYYeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.
GEORGEMen have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden I'll be, in the middle.
ELAINEOf what?
GEORGEAnd a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"
ELAINEWhat do they do?
GEORGEThey talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!"
JERRYHey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention, Elaine laughs) Maybe it's time you got a different hobby.
KRAMERMan, Ughhhh, wwwheh. I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.
JERRYDid he say anything?
KRAMERNo no, he's fine.
JERRY (noticing something across the coffee shop)Oh my god, it's...
GEORGE (looking over)Joe DiMaggio.
ELAINE(gasps)
KRAMERWhere?
JERRYHaving a cup of coffee.
ELAINEAnd he's dunking!
KRAMERYeah -- yeah.
JERRYWow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper
KRAMER(quietly) yeah.
JERRYhere.
GEORGEYou see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at George) Oh please.
KRAMERWait, wait hold on now, wait, wait *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table, startling Jerry, Elaine and George) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* *yip* See? I told you.
JERRYWhat causes homophobia? What is it, that makes a heterosexual man, worry? I think it's because, men know, that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'"
Song over the end creditsJoltin' Joe DiMaggio
http//www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/joltinjoedimaggio.shtml
Published1941
Performed byLes Brown
Sung byBetty Bonney