JERRYWhenever I see the news and they're hauling in some kind of terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass murderer guy. You notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat. What is he worried about? I mean what is this man's reputation? That he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is gonna catch this on TV and go "isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in that clock tower picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's that kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."
LEVITAN(on the phone) Ha ha, she was great. You don't want to know. Hey Breaky, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George. (laughing) Get this...I got it all on video. (laughing)
GEORGEThat's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking object over on desk) I quit!
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERBoy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself.
JERRYWell, what'd you say?
KRAMERI said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.
JERRYWhat's his problem?
KRAMERNo job. No women.
JERRYHe called the right guy.
KRAMERWell, what am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him?
JERRYAll right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry.
KRAMERWhy don't you use the machines down in the basement?
JERRYFluff and Fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight.
KRAMERHow 'bout if I put a few things --
JERRYWait a sec. I don't wanna do --
KRAMERWell, you're going over there.
JERRYI don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot.
KRAMERHave you ever met my guys?
JERRYNo. I can't say as I have.
KRAMERWell!
JERRYAll right. Put 'em on top.
KRAMERAh!
JERRYOh, beautiful.
JERRYThis stuff on top is my friends. Could I get it done in a separate machine?
VICI'll have to charge you for another machine.
JERRYWhatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across.
GEORGEGuess what.
JERRYHow did you know I was here?
GEORGEKramer. Guess what.
JERRYI don't know.
GEORGEI quit my job.
JERRYGet outta here.
GEORGEI couldn't take it anymore.
VICYou can have this on Monday. (hands Jerry a ticket)
JERRYWhat happened? Levitan?
GEORGEI go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, (laughing) I mean we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!
JERRYYou and your toilets.
GEORGEI snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs)
JERRYSo, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate?
GEORGENobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.
JERRYSo what are you gonna do?
GEORGEI like sports. I could do something in sports.
JERRYUh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
GEORGEYou know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
JERRYYeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
GEORGEWell, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
JERRYYeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
GEORGEWhat about that?
JERRYWell, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
GEORGEWell, that's really not fair.
JERRYI know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like?
GEORGEMovies. I like to watch movies.
JERRYYeah. Yeah.
GEORGEDo they pay people to watch movies?
JERRYProjectionists.
GEORGEThat's true.
JERRYBut you gotta know how to work the projector.
GEORGERight.
JERRYAnd it's probably a union thing.
GEORGE(scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host?
JERRYTalk show host. That's good.
GEORGEI think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
JERRYReally?
GEORGEYeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
JERRYWell, that's where it gets tricky.
GEORGEYou can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host."
JERRYI wouldn't think so.
GEORGEIt's all politics.
JERRYAll right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
GEORGEThis could have been a huge mistake.
JERRYWell, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.
GEORGE(sighs) Guess not. What should I do?
JERRYMaybe you can just go back.
GEORGEGo back?
JERRYYeah. Pretend like it never happened.
GEORGEYou mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened?
JERRYSure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously.
GEORGEJust..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened.
JERRYNever happened.
GEORGEI was just blowin' off a little steam. So what?
JERRYSo what? You're entitled.
GEORGEI'm emotional.
JERRYThat's right. You're emotional.
GEORGENever happened.
JERRYNever happened.
JERRYTo me the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office. Is that when you go in, in the morning you say Hi to everyone and for some reason throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them. I mean you walk in "morning Bill, morning Bob, how you doing? fine" Ten minutes later you see him in the hall, "How ya doin'?" Every time you pass you gotta come up with another little greeting. You know you start racking your brains you know you do the little eyebrow "Hey" You start coming up with nicknames for them. "Jimbo."
GEORGEHow ya doin'?
GLENDAWhat are you doing here?
GEORGEWhat? I work here.
GLENDAI thought you quit.
GEORGEWhat quit? (laughing) Who quit?
DANBill, how was your weekend?
BILLOh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend?
DANFine weekend.
GEORGEYeah. Good weekend.
DANWent up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. (laughing) Lisa was a little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday.
GEORGEAw, she's gonna be a fine sailor.
LEVITANAva, what happened to you Friday afternoon?
AVAOh, I got a little tied up.
LEVITANI'll bet you did.
LEVITANI wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in Lasky's Bar, on Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you doing here?
GEORGEWhat?
LEVITANAm I crazy, or didn't you quit?
GEORGEWhen?
LEVITANFriday.
GEORGEOh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You took that seriously?
LEVITANYou mean, laughingstock? All that stuff?
GEORGECome on. Will you stop it.
LEVITANNo brains? No ability?
GEORGETeasing.
LEVITANOkay. I want you outta here.
GEORGEI don't know where you're getting this from. I....you're serious aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see? You see, you just don't know my sense of humor. Dan, don't I joke around all the time?
DANI wouldn't say all the time.
LEVITANYou can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser.
GEORGE" I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." This is what he said to me.
JERRYWell, so that's that.
GEORGENo. That's not that.
JERRYThat's not that?
GEORGENo.
JERRYWell, if that's not that, what is that?
GEORGEI've got some plans. I got plans.
JERRYWhat kind of plans?
GEORGEWhat's the difference?
JERRYYou don't wanna tell me?
GEORGEI'm gonna slip him a mickey.
JERRYWhat? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What are you Peter Lorre?
GEORGEYou don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing.
JERRYWhat if you destroy him?
GEORGENo. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.
JERRYWell, wha - what does that do? Big deal.
GEORGEThis is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!
JERRYYou've really gone mental.
GEORGENah.
JERRYWhere are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying "mickey"!
GEORGEI got a source.
JERRYYou got a mickey source?
GEORGEAnd Elaine is gonna keep him busy.
JERRYElaine? How did you rope her into this?
GEORGEI told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife.
JERRYShe knew that.
GEORGEBut she didn't know he doesn't recycle.
JERRYWhat is the point of all this?
GEORGERevenge.
JERRYOh, the best revenge is living well.
GEORGEThere's no chance of that.
JERRYDid you get your laundry?
KRAMERYeah.
JERRYWhat's with you?
KRAMERHe jumped.
JERRYWhat?
KRAMERYeah. Newman jumped.
JERRYDid he call you last night?
KRAMEROh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
JERRYWhat did you say?
KRAMERI said " Wave to me when you pass my window."
JERRYWhew. Did he wave?
KRAMERNo! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me.
JERRY(realizing something) Oh, my god!
KRAMERWhat's the matter?
JERRY(tearing through his laundry bag) Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let's go.
KRAMERWhere? Where?
JERRYTo the Laundromat.
VICI never saw it.
KRAMEROkay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What -- what are you doing?
VICHey, you see that sign right there? (Points to a sign saying "Not Responsible for Valuables"
JERRYOh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? You're not a part of society.
VICYea that's right, 'cuz this place is my country and I'm the president, and that's my constitution. I'm not responsible.
JERRYSo, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?
VICYou ever hear of a bank?
JERRYCome on. Let's go.
KRAMERNo. You can't let him get away with this.
ELAINEWhich one is he?
GEORGEThat's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish.
ELAINEOh, yeah. I see him.
GEORGEYeah. Hey, thanks for doing this.
ELAINEWhy pass up the opportunity to go to prison?
GEORGEThis is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done.
ELAINEYeah. It is kind of cool.
GEORGEFirst time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone.
ELAINEI can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do in the movies.
GEORGEThat's exactly what I told Jerry!
ELAINEReally?
GEORGEYes! (both laugh) God, I've never felt so alive!
JERRYMaybe we should call this off.
KRAMERCome on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.
JERRYAnd what's gonna happen?
KRAMERWell, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block!
JERRYIf only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor.
KRAMERYou keep him busy.
KRAMERWhoa!
GEORGEYou go over there -
ELAINEYeah.
GEORGEYou start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.
ELAINEWouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth?
LEVITANCome on! They're terrible. They got no infield.
ELAINEOops! (bumps into Levitan) 'Scuse me.
LEVITANYeah.
GREENYI'm gonna get some food. You want some?
LEVITANNah.
ELAINEHi.
LEVITANHi.
ELAINE(sneezes)
LEVITANGod bless you.
ELAINEOh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (blowing nose) Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... yoooou!
LEVITAN(confused) You're welcome.
ELAINEPeople don't say " God bless you " as much as they used to. Have you noticed that?
LEVITANNo.
ELAINE(having trouble getting him to pay attention) So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week.
LEVITAN(interested) Nudist colony?
ELAINEOh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah!
LEVITAN(laughing) I'd never been to a nudist colony.
ELAINEOh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my office and I'll just sit there naked.
LEVITANSeriously?
ELAINEOh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day.
GEORGE(whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat?
GLENDA(loud) What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats.
GEORGE(whispering) I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here.
GLENDA(loud) What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired.
GEORGE(whispering angrily) Okay. Okay. Fine.
ELAINEI cook naked, I clean....I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. Naked. Naked.
LEVITANWho are you?
ELAINEOh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble.
JERRY(trying to divert Vic's attention) What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that?
JERRYDo you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?
JERRYWhat about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament?
JERRYWhat about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?
KRAMERI didn't realize it was a full box.
GEORGE(trying again with Glenda) I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off.
GLENDAI don't' wear a wig.
GEORGEOne... (Glenda seeing George is serious; gets up and leaves)
ELAINENo. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around.
ELAINEI just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra.
GEORGEHello, Rick.
LEVITANHeh heh heh hey! Look who's here!
GEORGEThat's right, Ricky Boy, it's me!
LEVITANYou know something, Costanza? I'm a very lucky man.
GEORGEOh!
LEVITANI've always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap.
GEORGEBoom!
LEVITANYou wouldn't believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I'm glad you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, huh?
GEORGEOh.
LEVITANWhy should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? I, uh, I want you to come back. (George is shocked) You can use my bathroom anytime you want.
GEORGEYou want me to come back? Uh...
LEVITANHey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast!
GEORGERick.
LEVITANEveryone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick Barr Properties.
GEORGEUh, Rick..
LEVITANAnd all the people in this room, (clears throat) that made that possible..
GEORGERick.
LEVITANI'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know. But, hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around the office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this?
GEORGEDrink up. (Levitan takes a drink)
GEORGEI like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something.
ELAINEWell, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree.
JERRYYeah. That's true.
KRAMER(seeing Jerry is with people) Oh.
JERRYWhat? (Kramer hands Jerry an envelope) My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you find it?
KRAMERIt was in my laundry.
JERRYIn your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?
KRAMERIt was about 1200 bucks.
NEWMANKramer!
KRAMEROh! That's Newman. (goes over to the window)
NEWMANI'm on the roof!
KRAMER(yelling up) Well, what are you waiting for?
JERRYElaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money..
GEORGE(talking to nobody) I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy.
KRAMERYou wanna shoot some pool tonight?
NEWMANI can't. I'm goin' to a movie.
GEORGE(talking to nobody) Nah. It's probably a union thing.
JERRYPeople like the idea of revenge. Have you ever heard the expression 'The best revenge is living well' I've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. Sounds nice, doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson. kinda level. You know what I mean, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, 'Charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, french doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.'