Jerry's Standup
JERRYI have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I dont know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because its really not a definite thing yet. (crowd cheers him on to tell them) Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that Ive received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. (audience applauds) Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. That's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didnt even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, thats what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, You may have already won. Id like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, You have definitely lost! You turn it over, giant printing, Not even close! You open it up, theres this whole letter of explanation, Even we cannot believe how badly you have done in this contest.
JERRY(to Kramer) To the right.
GEORGEThat took awhile.
JERRYDont get up.
GEORGEId like to help, but my neck..
GEORGESo how long has it been in the basement?
JERRYSince my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didnt want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And its been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to Kramer) All right, so, just take what you want and lets get it out of here.
GEORGEWhats in it?
JERRYGrandpa clothes, I cant wear em.
KRAMERYou want these? Knee socks. You dont wear knee socks.
JERRYNo, go ahead. Look at this place. I cant wait to get it cleaned.
GEORGEI know someone wholl do it. Shes good. Shes honest.
JERRYNo, Elaines got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and hes suppose to do it.
GEORGEStudents cant clean. Its anathema. (explaining) They dont like it.
JERRYHow long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?
KRAMERNow this I like.
GEORGEWait a second. (George gets up and heads for the statue in Kramers hands.) I cant believe this! Let me see this.
KRAMERWait, wait, wait...
GEORGELet me just see it.
KRAMERCome on...
GEORGELet me just see it for a second.
GEORGEOh my God, its exactly the same!
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEWhen I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, MacArthur Park, and I got to the part about, Ill never have that recipe again, and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
KRAMERCmon, George. I saw it first.
GEORGENo, Kramer. I have to have this statue.
KRAMERNo, I got dibs!
GEORGEWhat? No dibs! I need this statue. Cmon, give it!
JERRYSpread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why dont you just settle it like mature adults?
KRAMERPotato man!
GEORGENo, no, no potato man. Inka-dink.
KRAMEROkay...yea well uh start with me.
GEORGEYeah, good, good.
JERRYInka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink.
JERRYNot because youre dirty, not because youre clean just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine...
JERRYAnd you are it!
KRAMERWhat?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. Hes out. I get it.
GEORGENo, no, no, no, Im It. I win.
JERRYNo, hes It. He wins. It is good.
KRAMERDo over start with him.
JERRYNo, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.
KRAMERAll right, you can have it. (Kramer tosses the statue to George.)
GEORGE(not expecting the statue to be thrown) Dit.
KRAMEROkay, Im gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.
JERRYAll right, cmon. Lets go.
KRAMERHey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.
GEORGEI cant believe I won at Inka-dink.
JERRYCome on, lets go.
GEORGEYea.
JERRYArent you gonna take it?
GEORGENo, no, no, I dont want to carry it around all night. Ill pick it up later.
GEORGE(to Kramer) What about your stuff?
KRAMEROh, uh, well - okay.
JERRYAll right, lets go. Hey, you know, you owe me one.
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYThe Inka-dink.. You were It.
GEORGEIts bad?
JERRYIts very bad.
RAVAWell, if they dont let you be my editor on this book, Ill go to another publisher. Its that simple.
ELAINEYou told them that?
RAVAOf course.
ELAINE(excited) This is so fantastic. I dont know how to thank you.
JERRY(to Rava) So, wheres this boyfriend of yours? I cant wait much longer. Ive got a flight.
ELAINEOh, probably caught in traffic.
RAVAOr maybe hes dead.
JERRYSo what do you write, childrens books?
RAVAThats Ray.
RAYAh, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you.
JERRYAll right...
RAVAAnd we have to get back to work.
JERRYI gotta get to the airport.
RAYYour palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.
JERRYThe uh toilet brush is under the sink.
JERRYI dont really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because theres that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, youre sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, Im really sorry about this. I dont know why I left that stuff over there. And thats why I could never be a maid, because Id have an attitude. Id find them, wherever they are in the house, Oh, I suppose you couldnt do this? No, dont get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldnt dust. No, this is too tough, isnt it?
JERRYHe really did an amazing job. Look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid! (Jerry opens refrigerator.) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups! Come here, look at this. (He gets on his knees and points.) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there?! He must be like Rubber Man!
ELAINETheres no Rubber Man.
JERRYWhy did I think there was a Rubber Man? Theres Elastic Man... Plastic Man...
ELAINEIm leaving.
JERRYWhere are you going?
ELAINETo Ravas house. Ive gotta pick up her manuscript.
JERRYOh wait. Ill go with you.
JERRYElaine, he Windexed the little peep hole!
ELAINE(to Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. Hes the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request-
RAVADemand.
ELAINEThey're going to promote me to editor.
RAVADaantotin. (There is a sound of the front door being unlocked.) Theres Ray... late as usual.
RAYWell, this is an unexpected surprise and delight! The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the First, gracing our humble abode. Rava, were in the presence of royalty.
JERRYHey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.
RAYBut I didnt just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life.
JERRYShouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere?
RAVAThe water is boiling. Are you having tea?
ELAINE & RAYYes.
ELAINEJerry? Jerry!
JERRYWhat?
RAVA(from the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand?
RAYYeah, Im coming!
JERRYI think thats the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!
ELAINEWhat statue?
JERRYI had a statue!
ELAINEYou have a statue? I never saw a statue.
JERRYMy grandfather gave me a statue!
ELAINESince when?
JERRYWhats the difference?! Thats the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off!
RAYDo you take sugar?
JERRY & ELAINEUhh... no.
JERRYI cant believe it! This guy ripped me off!
ELAINEDo you realize what youre saying?
JERRYYes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house!
RAYLemon?
JERRY & ELAINEUh... sure/yeah..
ELAINEAre you sure?
JERRYPretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.
ELAINENinety-nine percent sure?!
RAYAh, sweet elixir. Its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.
RAVAAh those are the pastries, Ray take care of that, I'm going to get Elaine the manuscript.
RAYAh, the pastries!
ELAINEMaybe it just looks the same. Maybe its just a coincidence.
JERRYCoincidence? This guys in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment?
ELAINEI never saw the statue.
JERRYI had a statue! What should I do?
ELAINEI dont know.
JERRYIll call Kramer. He can check my house.
ELAINEOh Jerry, dont blow this for me.
JERRYDont worry. (whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!... Its Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!...
JERRYMa, I told you, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan... Okay, bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Rava) My mother. She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are.
RAVAMy mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope shes rotting in an alley somewhere!
JERRYMy moms down in Florida. Shes got uh one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?
RAYI love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.
JERRYListen, uh I just remembered... Im... uh, getting a facial.
ELAINEOh, see you tomorrow morning.
RAYHow about dinner?
JERRYNo, I dont eat dinner. Dinners for suckers.
JERRYUh huh... Yeah... Okay, thanks anyway... Bye.
JERRYNope, the cop says its my word against his. Theres nothing they can do.
KRAMERLets go get him.
JERRYYeah, right.
GEORGEWe cant just let him get away with this.
JERRYDo you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know its missing, and he took it! And of all things to take! I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. Hes crazy.
KRAMERYou wanna go get him?
ELAINEWell, then, if hes crazy you should just forget it.
GEORGEForget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mothers making her roasted potatoes!
ELAINEGeorge, do you realize that Rava has asked me to edit her book?
GEORGEWho is this Rava?
KRAMERI say we get him.
ELAINENo!
GEORGELet me just call him.
JERRYIll call him. (Jerry picks up the cordless phone. He points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Ravas friend, Elaines friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (He covers the reciever and yells at Kramer and George.) Would you shut up?! (to the phone) Yeah, you dont want to talk about it over the phone?.. You dont want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monks?... All right, tomorrow... One o clock... Great, okay, bye.
ELAINEAll right, look, look, look. Lets say he stole it.
GEORGEOh, he stole it!
ELAINECmon, you cant do anything about it. The cops wont do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why dont you just forget it?
JERRY & GEORGENo.
GEORGEI thought you said one oclock.
JERRYRelax, hes late. Hes always late. Its part of his M.O.
GEORGERemember, dont take any crap.
JERRYYeah, yeah. Dont worry about it.
GEORGEIll be right here.
JERRYThats comforting. Shh. Hes coming. (to Ray) Ray?
RAYOh, Jerry. I cant believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you couldve got me into?
JERRYWell, I didnt...
RAYRava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue.
GEORGE(muttering to himself) I wonder why.
JERRYWell, just give it back, and I wont say anything.
RAYGive it back?
JERRYYeah.
RAYWhat are you talking about?
JERRYWhat are you talking about?
GEORGEWhat is he talking about?
RAYIm talking about the statue.
JERRYYeah, me too.
RAYGive it back to whom?
JERRYMe.
GEORGEYeah, him.
RAYYou?
JERRYYeah. Me.
RAYIm not getting this.
GEORGEYou already got it.
JERRYRay, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house and then I saw it in your house.
RAYWhat are you saying?
JERRYWhat am I saying?
GEORGETake a wild guess.
RAYAre you saying I stole your statue?
GEORGEWhat a mind.
JERRYWell, I...
RAYI cant believe what Im hearing.
JERRYI cant believe what Im hearing.
GEORGEI cant believe what Im hearing.
RAYFor your information, I got that statue in a pawn shop.
GEORGEPawn shop?
JERRYA pawn shop?
RAYYes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning peoples apartments.
GEORGECleaning them out.
JERRYOh, excuse me... Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.
RAYWhats behind this? Its Rava, isnt it?
GEORGEAgain with the Rava.
RAYYou want her.
JERRYNo, shes a little too cheery for me.
RAYShes from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!
JERRYI know Finland. Theyre neutral.
RAYIs it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?
JERRYNo, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times...
GEORGEOh, I find you so charming. You wuss.
JERRY(to George) Did you call me a wuss?
RAYWhat did you say?
JERRYI said luss. Im at a luss.
RAYI would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.
JERRYThats not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) You know, maybe its not that bad an idea.
RAYAnd I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.
GEORGESingapore?! Do you hear this?
RAYIf you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.
GEORGEThats it! Thats it! I cant take it. I cant take it anymore! You stole the statue! Youre a theif! Youre a liar!
JERRYGeorge...
RAYWho is this?
GEORGEIm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is guilty!
RAYWhats going on here?
GEORGEGUILTY!
RAYYour friend is crazy.
GEORGEOh, Im crazy!
JERRYGeorge, george...
RAYIve got to get going. I have a class.
GEORGEOh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrars office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar!
RAYWell, thats because Im registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name.
GEORGEYou mean alias.
RAYYou are starting to make me angry!
GEORGEWell, that was bound to happen.
RAY(to Jerry) I hope you think about what youve done here today. And if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me.
JERRYHey, Ray.
RAYYes?
JERRYHow did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!
ELAINENervous?
RAVAWhy should I be?
ELAINEYeah. Right.
RAVAYour notes are very insightful.
ELAINEThe book is great. Did you go out last night?
RAVANo. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.
ELAINEThey all are.
RAVAWas Jerry?
ELAINEI cant remember.
RAVAYou know, Ray is very upset over these accusations.
ELAINEOh, well, Im staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved.
RAVASo you think he stole it?!
ELAINEWell, you have to admit... the circumstantial evidence...
RAVAI admit nothing!
MANWill you put that cigarette out, please?
ELAINEWell, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then its gone and its in your apartment.
RAVAMaybe you think were in cahoots.
ELAINENo, no. But it is quite a coincidence.
RAVAYes, thats all a coincidence!
ELAINEA big coincidence.
RAVANot a big coincidence. A coincidence!
ELAINENo, thats a big coincidence.
RAVAThats what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences!
ELAINENo, there are degrees of coincidences.
RAVANo, there are only coincidences! Ask anyone!
RAVAAre there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? Well?! Well?!
MANWill you put that cigarette out?!
RAVAMaybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) Its just like Ray said. You and Jerry are jealous of our love. Youre trying to destroy us.
ELAINEShouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere?
GEORGEMa, will you stop?... Its just a statue!... How is it my fault?!... It was stolen. I didnt even touch it this time... Okay, fine... I dont see why this should affect to potatoes!... Okay... Goodbye. (George hangs up.) She doesnt react to disappointment very well. Unlike me.
KRAMERIm not happy about this.
ELAINEWhy dont we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?
GEORGETheres just no justice. This experience has changed me. Its made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.
JERRYReally?
GEORGE(casually) Sure, why not.
ELAINEWell, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.
JERRYCant you talk to your boss?
ELAINEI did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he didn't think youre funny at all.
KRAMER(talking to himself) Im not happy about this.
JERRYWell, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..
GEORGEYeah, hell have my parents.
KRAMER(from the other side of the door) Police! Open up!
RAYPolice?
KRAMERFreeze, mother!
RAYHey.
KRAMERShut up. Spread em. I said spread em! (looks around) Youre in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods... and uh, uh... murder.
RAYMurder?!
KRAMERShut up! Keep em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
RAYI think you have me confused with somebody else.
KRAMERIs your name Ray?
RAYYeah.
KRAMERYeah, youre the punk Im looking for!
RAYHey, hey, are you a cop?
KRAMERYeah, Im a cop. Im a good cop. Im a damn good cop! (On that line, Kramer points to Ray, and Ray turns back to the wall. Kramer heads for the door.) Todays your lucky day, junior, cause Im gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and youll be sorry. You got me?
RAYGot you? I dont even know what the hell youre talking about.
KRAMERGood, good. Lets uh keep it that way.
JERRYAll right, all right. Whats the big hubbub, bub?
GEORGEKramer, I cant believe it. Oh, youre my hero!
KRAMERYeah.
JERRYKramer, what did you do?
KRAMERWell, lets just say I didnt take him to Peoples Court.
GEORGEI feel like a huge weights been lifted off my shoulders. I... I... I feel happy! Kramer, I dont know how to thank you!
KRAMERWell, Ill think of something.
JERRYPeople are going to steal from you. You cant stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, whos gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They cant get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.