Jerry's Standup
JERRYI hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I cant stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion wont even exist. It wont. I think eventually well all be wearing the same thing. Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where theres people from the future or another planet, theyre all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided, This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. Thats it. We should come up for an outfit for Earth. An Earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits. No speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, That was nice. I could wear that.
JERRYI think Ive seen enough.
SALESMANWell, I might have something in the back.
ELAINEThe back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, theyd put it out in the front.
JERRYWhy dont they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, Just Back. All back; No front. You walk in the front, youre immediately in the back. (Jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) Look, Elaine, tie carwash.
CUSTOMEROh, I just read that. Thats terrific.
JERRY(pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that.
CUSTOMERAlton Benes is your father?
ELAINEYeah.
CUSTOMERI always felt he deserved a wider audience.
ELAINEIm not so sure he wants one.
ELAINEHey, dont forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight oclock.
JERRYI guess Im coming. I mean...
ELAINEWhat? What, you dont want to go now?
JERRYNo, Ill go. Im going.
ELAINENo, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I havent seen my father in a while and... you know...
JERRYIm worried I wont be able to talk to him. Hes such a great writer. Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.
ELAINESo, thats why were not together anymore.
JERRYWhat is this?
JERRYThis is beautiful. These jackets never fit me right.
ELAINETry it on.
ELAINEWow, this is soft suede.
JERRYThis may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
JERRYHow much is it?
ELAINE(shocked) Oh my God.
JERRYBad? (Elaine nods.) Very bad?
ELAINEYou have no idea.
JERRYI have some idea.
ELAINENo idea.
JERRYIve got a ballpark.
ELAINEThere is no park and the team has relocated.
JERRYLet me see that. (Jerry looks at the tag.) That is high.
ELAINEOh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though.
JERRYWhats with the pink lining and the candy stripes?
ELAINEWell, its just a lining. You can always have it changed.
JERRYShould I get it? I hate these moments. Im hearing the dual voices now, you know, What about the money? Whats money?
SALESMANIt looks wonderful on you.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERHey. New jacket?
JERRYWhat do you think?
KRAMERIts beautiful.
JERRYIs it me?
KRAMERThats definitely you.
JERRYReally?
KRAMERThats more you than youve ever been. Hey, what is with the pink lining?
JERRYI dont know. Its got a pink lining.
KRAMEROh... So, what did you pay for this?
JERRYI paid what it costs.
KRAMERHow much?
JERRYWhats the difference?
KRAMERWhat, youre not gonna tell me?
JERRYId rather not say it out loud. Its embarrassing.
KRAMEROver three hundred?
JERRYYes, but lets just stop it right there.
KRAMERIts over four hundred?
JERRYReally, Im not answering anymore.
KRAMERIs it over four hundred?
JERRYWould you?
KRAMERWoah, Nelson!
JERRYI know, I know.
KRAMERWhat are you gonna do with the leather one?
JERRYI dont know.
KRAMERWell, are you gonna wear it?
JERRYMaybe.
KRAMERYoure not going to wear this.
JERRYDo you want it?
KRAMERWell, yeah. Okay. Ill take it. I like the jacket.
JERRYOkay, take it.
KRAMERHeey, good karma for you. (Kramer puts on Jerrys old jacket and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby.
GEORGE(singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm/Tells a saucy talk/Loves to make a stir/Everyone appreciates a...
JERRYWhat is that song?
GEORGEOh, its from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I cant get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. Im singin it on elevators, buses. Im singin it in front of clients. Its taken over my life.
JERRYYou know, Schumann went mad from that.
GEORGEArtie Schuman? From Camp Hatchapee?
JERRYNo, you idiot.
GEORGEWhat are you, Bud Abbott? What are you callin me an idiot?
JERRYYou dont know Robert Schumann? The composer?
GEORGEOh, Schumann. Of course.
JERRYHe went crazy from one note. He couldnt get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.
GEORGEReally? (Jerry nods his head) Well, what if it doesnt stop? Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! All right, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject. Lets just go, All right? I cant believe were having dinner with Alton Benes.
JERRYI know exactly whats gonna happen tonight. Im gonna try and act like Im not impressed, hes gonna see right through it.
GEORGEYeah, hell be looking at us like hes backstage at a puppet show.
JERRYLet me just get my jacket.
GEORGE(singing) Master of the house/Keeper of the inn... (Jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for George. George is impressed.) This is huge! When did this happen?
JERRYWednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, its with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I mightve been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.
GEORGECan I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
JERRYAbsolutely.
GEORGEIts fabulous.
JERRYI know.
GEORGEAnd Ill tell you something else, Im not even going to ask you. I want to know. But Im not gonna ask. Youll tell me when you feel comfortable. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry coyly ignores Georges questions, while George grows increasingly serious.) Over six? Cant be seven. Dont tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what youre saying to me? You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket?! I wont say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! All right, fine. (George heads for the door.) Im walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry remains silent.) Oh, ho! All right! Ill tell you what, if you dont say anything in the next five seconds, Ill know it was over a thousand.
KRAMER(to Jerry) Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?
JERRYWell, what kind of solid?
KRAMERI need you to sit in the car for two minutes while its double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds.
JERRYBirds?
KRAMERYeah. A friend of mine, hes a magician. Hes going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves.
JERRYSo take a cab.
KRAMERThey wont take a cage full of birds.
JERRYI cant. Im on my way out. Theres no way I can do it.
KRAMERGeorge, do me a solid? Two minutes.
GEORGEWell, Im going with him. Id like to... Ive never done a solid before.
KRAMERAll right... Yeah. All right, have a good one.
JERRY(scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years.
GEORGE(singing) Master of the House/Quick to catch your eye/Never wants a passerby to pass him by...
JERRYSchumann. (George stops himself, frightened. Jerry looks around the lobby.) Where are they?
GEORGEMaybe he didnt show up.
JERRYWhat, you dont want to do this?
GEORGEI dont think theres ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. (George notices an elderly man in a leather chair.) Wait a second, is that him?
JERRYYeah, I think it is. (They walk toward the man. Jerry hesitates.) Wheres Elaine?
GEORGEIm nervous.
JERRY(to the man) Excuse me. Mister Benes?
ALTONYeah?
JERRYIm Jerry, Elaines friend, and this is George.
GEORGEIts a great thrill to meet you, Sir.
ALTONSit down. Want a drink?
JERRYSure.
ALTONWhatll you have?
JERRY(to waiter) Ill have a cranberry juice with two limes.
GEORGEAnd, Ill have a club soda with no ice.
BENESIll have another Scotch with plenty of ice.
GEORGEYou like ice?
ALTONHuh?
GEORGEI said, do you like ice?
ALTONLike it?
GEORGEDont you think you get more without it?
ALTONWheres Elaine?
JERRYWell, we thought she was meeting you earlier. Shes usually pretty punctual. Dont you find that, George?
GEORGEYeah, yeah. Shes punctual... and uh shes been late, sometimes.
JERRYYeah, yeah. Sometimes shes on time, and... sometimes shes late.
GEORGEI guess... (chuckles) today shes late.
JERRYIt appears that way.
GEORGEYup.
JERRYYup.
ALTONLooks like rain.
GEORGEI know, I know, thats what they said.
ALTONWho said?
GEORGEThe weather guy, Dr. Waldo.
ALTONI dont need anybody to tell me its gonna rain.
GEORGENo, of course not. I didnt-
ALTONAll I have to do is stick my head out the window. (The waiter returns with the drinks, and distributes them to the men.) Which ones suppose to be the funny guy?
GEORGE(pointing at Jerry) Oh, hes the comedian.
JERRYIm just a regular person.
GEORGENo, no. Hes just being modest.
ALTONWe had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. Theres nothing funny about that.
JERRYWould you excuse me a minute? Im gonna go to the bathroom. Ill be right back.
GEORGEI just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant.
ALTONDrivel.
GEORGEYea, well, maybe some parts.
ALTON(defensive) What parts?
GEORGEThe... drivel... parts. Oh my gosh, I just realized I have to make a phone call. I-I cant believe- Would you-
GEORGEThank you for leaving me alone with him!
JERRYThat was brutal. I cant go back out there.
GEORGEWell, lets just leave.
JERRYElainell kill me.
GEORGEWhere is she?
JERRYShes gotta be here soon.
GEORGEHow could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and thats it! Im leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me.
JERRYThe waiter was trembling!
GEORGEIf she doesnt show up, we cant possibly have dinner with him alone.
JERRYHow are we gonna get out of it?
GEORGEWell say were frightened and we have to go home.
JERRYYeah, thats good. Hed clunk our heads together like Moe.
GEORGEI dont know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. Hell understand that.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYAll fathers are intimidating. Theyre intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, To hell with the world, I can make my own people. Ill eat whatever I want, Ill wear whatever I want, and Ill create whoever I want.
ALTON(to George) Whod you call?
GEORGE(improvising) My uh uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was.
ALTONWhat kind of operation?
GEORGEBone marrow.
MANAGERMister Benes?
ALTONYes?
MANAGERA message for you.
ALTONFrom Elaine. She got tied up. Shell be here in thirty minutes.
ALTONYeah, they shouldve taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in fifty-three.
JERRYWell, Guatamala...
GEORGESure, Guatamala...
ALTONAll right, you boys get yourselves together. Well head up to the restaurant. Ill leave a note for Elaine. Im going to the bathroom.
GEORGECome on, lets go!
JERRYWhat about Elaine?
GEORGETo hell with Elaine!
JERRYShell be furious.
GEORGEWere dying here!
JERRYThats her! Shes here!
ELAINEIm sorry. Im so sorry. Where is Dad?
GEORGE(contemptuously, imitating Altons voice) Hes in the bathroom.
JERRY(to Elaine) Where have you been?!
ELAINEKramer! That... Kramer! Im just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds...
JERRYOh, you didnt...
ELAINEWell, he said hed drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! He doesnt come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. Hes a city marshal. Hes towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car. So, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... So, were wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now were running down the street after these doves; I almost got hit by a bus! (Elaine sits in Altons chair and takes a deep breath.) So hows everything going over here?
JERRYGreat.
GEORGECouldnt be better.
ELAINEGood. Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable.
JERRYOh, no, no.
GEORGEGet outta here..
ELAINEMan, Kramer! I could kill him!
JERRYI cant believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer.
ELAINEHe said hed give me a lift.
JERRYAh, the lift. Like the lure of the sirens song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?
GEORGEWhere do you come up with this stuff?
ALTONWell, look whos here.
ELAINEOh, hi, Dad.
ALTONHello, dear.
ALTONWhos the lipstick for?
ELAINENo one.
ALTONHows your mother?
ELAINEFine.
ALTONHow about you? Are you working?
ELAINEYeah, Im reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times.
ALTONPendant! Those bastards. Well all right, boys. Well go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street. Youre not afraid of a little spice, are you?
GEORGE(singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open...
ALTONPipe down, chorus boy.
ELAINEOhh... its snowing. Its beautiful.
JERRY(to George) Snow. Snow, that cant be good for suede, can it?
GEORGEI wouldnt think so.
JERRYWhat should I do? (to Alton) Uh, were taking a cab, arent we?
ALTONCab? Its only five blocks.
GEORGE(to Jerry) Why dont you just turn it inside out?
JERRYInside out! Great.
ALTONWait a minute. What the hell do you call this?
JERRYOh, I turned my jacket inside out.
ALTONWell, you look like a damn fool!
JERRYWell, its a new suede jacket. It might get ruined.
ALTONWell, youre not going to walk down the street with me and my daughter dressed like that. Thats for damn sure.
GEORGEIts uh, it's only a few blocks.
JERRY(to the intercom) Elaine?
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYCome on up.
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERIve gotta feed the birds.
JERRYSo?
KRAMERYou got any of those mini Ritzes?
JERRYI cant believe I do.
KRAMERYeah! Well, are you going out?
JERRYYeah.
KRAMERHey, wheres your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. Its ruined.) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, and sees the garment.) Ohhh. What did you do to it?
JERRYI was out in the snow last night.
KRAMERDont you know what that does to suede?
JERRYI have an idea. (Elaine enters; to Elaine) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema Three.
ELAINEOkay. (to Kramer) Hello. (to Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time.
JERRYIs he still in town?
ELAINENo, hes driving back to Maryland tonight.
KRAMERSo, uh... what are you gonna do with that one now?
JERRYI dont know.
KRAMER(smiling) Well...
ELAINE(to Jerry) I didnt want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.
JERRYReally?
KRAMERYou gonna throw this out?
JERRYWell, I cant wear it.
ELAINEYeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.
KRAMER(to Jerry) Well, if youre just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it.
JERRYYeah, go ahead, take it.
ELAINEDad thinks George is gay.
JERRYOh, because of all the singing?
ELAINENo, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
KRAMERHey, see, I like it like this.
ELAINEIsnt that...? (Jerry nods.) Oh, is this from the snow last night? (Jerry nods.) Ugh... you know what you shouldve done? You shouldve turned it inside out.
JERRYIll try and remember that.
KRAMERBoy, its too bad you gave me this one too.
JERRYYeah, too bad.
KRAMERIm gonna have to do something about this lining.
ALTON(singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm...
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I dont get this. Arent cows outside most of the time? I dont understand it. When its raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, Let us in, were all wearin leather. Open the door! Were gonna ruin the whole outfit here! Is it suede? I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I cant have this cleaned. Its all I got!