Jerry's Standup
JERRYMy parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didnt want to move to Florida, but theyre in their sixties, and thats the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old peoples house with a golf cart, jump out, Lets go Pop, white belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there. Drop it! I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit there, and the conversations so boring. Its so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, What if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like? Just crashed right through the glass. You know. Come back in, theres broken glass, everybodys all upset. No, Im all right. I was just a little bored there. And uh no, Im fine. I came back. I wanted to hear a little more about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Lets pick it up right there.
HELENYou have so many nice jackets. I dont know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? Whats wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you cant wear this!
MORTYAre you getting that?
HELENI thought you were getting it.
MORTYShould I pick up?
HELENYou want me to get that?
MORTYIll get it!
HELENIll get it!
HELENHello?... Hello?
JERRYHi.
HELENHi.
JERRY(to Morty) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street!
MORTYSo, howd you do?
JERRYWe won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! Well be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life.
HELENThis is your greatest moment? A game?
JERRYWell, no. Sharon Besser, of course.
MORTYYou know what my greatest moment was, dont you? Nineteen-forty-six. I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trenchcoat.
HELENJerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party?
JERRYWell, the mans an individualist he worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what hes doing.
HELENBut its their 50th anniversary.
MORTYYour mother doesn't like my taste in clothing.
HELENYou know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go.
JERRYFirst of all, I made plans with Elaine.
HELENSo bring her.
JERRYI dont even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, Ive met them three times in my life.
MORTYI dont know her either. (gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
HELENAt least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then youll leave.
MORTYHow come he gets to leave?
JERRYIf I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. Hes always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess its because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
MORTYAnd its always about Jeffrey, right?
JERRYYeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.
KRAMERMorty, are you coming in?
MORTYOh, yeah. I forgot all about it.
KRAMER(to Jerry) Hey, howd you do?
JERRYWe won. Were in the finals on Wednesday.
KRAMERYeah!
JERRY(to Kramer and Morty) What is this about?
KRAMERIm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. Youre not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.
JERRYWhat are you doing?
KRAMERLevels.
JERRYLevels?
KRAMERYeah, Im getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And Im going to build these different levels, with steps, and itll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.
JERRYYou drew up plans for this?
KRAMERNo no. Its all in my head.
MORTYI dont know how youre going to be comfortable like that.
KRAMEROh, Ill be comfortable.
JERRYWhen do you intend to do this?
KRAMEROhh... should be done by the end of the month.
JERRYYoure doing this yourself?
KRAMERIts a simple job. Why, you dont think I can?
JERRYOh, no. Its not that I dont think you can. I know that you cant, and Im positive that you wont.
KRAMERWell, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber.
MORTYHey, thats some big job.
JERRYI, dont see it happening.
KRAMERWell, this time, this time youre wrong. Cmon. Ill even bet you.
JERRYSeriously?
HELENI dont want you betting. Morty, dont let him bet.
KRAMERA big dinner with dessert. But Ive got till the end of the month.
JERRYIll give you a year.
KRAMERNo no no. End of the month.
JERRYIts a bet.
JERRY(to Elaine) Seriously, do you wanna switch chairs?
ELAINENo, no. Im fine.
UNCLE LEOJerry, are you listening to this?
JERRYYeah, Uncle Leo.
UNCLE LEOSo, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation.
JERRYRight. For the reducing of the pond scum?
UNCLE LEONo, for the walking tours.
JERRYOh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life. The edible foliage tour.
UNCLE LEOThats exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours hes talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls?
JERRYMickey Mantle?
ELAINE(saving Jerry from Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? (to Manya) These peas are great!
JERRY(eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
ELAINEMmm... phenomenal peas.
MORTYAre you ready for dessert?
JERRYWell, actually, we do have to kind of get going.
MANYA(surprised) Youre going?
ELAINEOh uh, I dont really eat dessert. Im dieting.
JERRYYeah, I cant eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I cant dance.
MANYACant dance?
HELENHes kidding, Manya.
MANYAIs that a joke?
HELENSo, did you hear Claires getting married?
MANYAYeah, yeah..
HELENI hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers.
JERRYHorses? Theyre like big riding dogs.
ELAINEWhat about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies...
JERRYI know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.
MANYA(angry) I had a pony.
JERRYWell, I didnt uh really mean a pony, per se...
MANYAWhen I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony... So, whats wrong with that?
JERRYNothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing...
HELENShould we have coffee? Whos having coffee?
MANYAHe was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.
JERRYWell, Im sure you did. Who wouldnt love a pony? Who wouldnt love a person that had a pony?
MANYAYou! You said so!
JERRYNo, see, we didnt have ponies. Im sure at that time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars..
MANYAThats it! I had enough!
ISAACHave your coffee, everybody. Shes a little upset. Its been an emotional day.
JERRYI didnt know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrants going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sittin on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesnt make sense. Am I wrong?
JERRYIll drive you to the airport.
HELENNo, were taking a cab.
JERRYI just hope that whole pony incident didnt put a damper on the trip.
HELENDont be ridiculous. It was a misunderstanding.
MORTYHey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.
JERRYWell, if you ever talk to her, tell her Im sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible.
HELENYou know, you should give Manya a call.
JERRYMaybe I will.
KRAMEROh, hi. I uh just came to say goodbye.
KRAMERNeed any help with those?
MORTYIts nothing. I got it. So, how are your levels coming along?
KRAMEROh, well... I decided Im not gonna do it.
JERRY(laughing) Really? What a shock.
HELENGoodbye, Jerry.
JERRYTake care.
HELENWell call you.
MORTYBye, Jer.
JERRYBye, Dad. Take it easy.
MORTYBye, Mr. Kramer.
KRAMERYeah. So long, Morty.
JERRYSo, when do I get my dinner?
KRAMERTheres no dinner. The bets off. Im not gonna do it.
JERRYYes, I know youre not gonna do it. Thats why I bet.
KRAMERYa well, theres no bet if Im not doing it.
JERRYThats the bet! That youre not doing it!
KRAMERYeah, well, I could do it. I dont wanna do it.
JERRYWe didnt bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done.
KRAMERAnd it could be done.
JERRYWell, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if its done! Show me the levels! The bet is the levels!
KRAMERI dont want the levels!
JERRYThats the bet! (The phone rings; Jerry answers it.) Hello?... No- oh, hi... (Kramer leaves) no, they just left... Oh, my God... hang on a second. Maybe I can still catch em. (Jerry goes over to the window and opens it; calling out the window) Ma! Ma! Up here! Dont get in the cab! Manya died! Manya died!!
HELENWho did you talk to?
JERRYUncle Leo.
HELENAnd whens the funeral?
JERRYI dont know. He said hed call back.
MORTYYou know what this means, dont you? We lost the Supersaver. Those tickets are non-refundable.
HELENShe just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless...
JERRYWhat?
HELENWhat? Nothing.
JERRYYou dont think... What? The pony remark?
HELENOh, dont be ridiculous. She was an old woman.
JERRYYou dont think that I killed her?
MORTYYou know what the flight backll cost us?
JERRYIt was just an innocent comment! I didnt know she had a pony!
MORTYMaybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.
JERRYThe whole thing was taking out of context. It was a joke. (The phone rings.) Thats probably Uncle Leo.
HELENHello?... Yes, I know... Well, its just one of those things... Sure, sure, well see you then.
HELENThe funerals Wednesday.
JERRYWednesday? What, what Wednesday?
HELENTwo o clock, Wednesday.
JERRYAh
HELENWhat?
JERRYIve got the softball game on Wednesday. Its the championship.
HELENSo? Youre not obligated. Go play in your game.
JERRYI didnt even know the woman.
HELENSo dont go.
JERRYI mean I met her three times. I dont even know her last name.
HELENJerry, no ones forcing you.
JERRYI mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? Thats what I want to know. I mean, its the championship, Im hitting everything.
HELENI dont have a dress to wear. (to Morty) And you. You dont have anything.
MORTYI got my sport jacket.
HELENYoure not wearing that to a funeral.
MORTYWhats wrong with it?
HELENIt looks ridiculous.
MORTYWhat? Im gonna buy a new sport jacket now?
JERRYI dont know what to do.
MORTY(depressed) You know what this funerals gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy!
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWe dont understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you cant stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I dont see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, lets make up our mind where we think theyre going.
ELAINEI actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What times your game?
JERRYTwo Forty-Five.
ELAINEAnd what times the funeral?
JERRYTwo o clock.
ELAINEHow long does a funeral take?
JERRYDepends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes.
ELAINESo you cant do both?
JERRYYou know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldnt expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand.
ELAINEHow can you even consider not going?
GEORGEYou know, Ive been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which Ill ever have the opportunity to have sex again. Hows it gonna happen? I just dont see how it could occur.
ELAINEYou know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how Im actually gonna die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that.
GEORGEThey always make me take stock of my life. And how Ive pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.
JERRYI know, and then you say to yourself, From this moment on, Im not gonna waste any more of it. But then you go, How? What can I do thats not wasting it?
ELAINEIs this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Cant you have coffee with people?
GEORGEYou know, I cant believe youre even considering not playing. We need you. Youre hitting everything.
ELAINEHe has to go. He may have killed her.
JERRYMe? What about you? You brought up the pony.
ELAINEOh, yeah, but I didnt say I hated anyone who had one.
GEORGE(to Jerry) Whos going to play left field?
JERRYBender.
GEORGEBender? He cant play left. He stinks. I just dont see what purpose is it gonna serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care whos at their funeral? They dont even know theyre having a funeral. Its not like shes hanging out in the back going, I cant believe Jerry didnt show up.
ELAINEMaybe shes there in spirit. How about that?
GEORGEIf youre a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think shes gonna wanna hang around Drexlers funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
ELAINEGeorge, I met this woman. She is not traveling to any other dimensions.
GEORGEYou know how easy it is for dead people to travel? Its not like getting on a bus. One second. (snaps his fingers) Its all mental.
JERRYFifty years they were married. Now hes moving to Pheonix.
ELAINEPhoenix? Whats happening with his appartment?
JERRYI dont know. Theyve been in there since, like, World War II. The rents three hundred a month.
ELAINEThree hundred a month? Oh, my God.
EULOGISTAlthough this may seem like a sad event, it should not be a day of mourning. For Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world a simpler world with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony. (Jerry throws up his hands.) Oh, how she loved that pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. Its lustrous coat, its flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow.
JERRYWell, the games starting just about now.
HELENIt was good that the two of you came. It was a nice gesture.
NEPHEWIm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. Im just an intern. I cant write a note to an airline.
MORTYYouve got your degree. They dont care. They just want to see something.
JERRYI just wanted to say how sorry I was...
UNCLE LEOJerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. Theyre transferring him to Riverside - so hell completely revamp that operation, you understand?
JERRYYeah.
UNCLE LEOHell do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. More money. So, thats your cousin.
MORTYYou dont understand, Ive never paid a full fare.
JERRYOnce again, I just want to say how sorry I am about the other night.
ELAINEOh, me too.
ISAACOh, no no no. She forgot all about that. She was much more upset about the potato salad.
ELAINESo, I understand youre moving to Phoenix?
ISAACYeah, my brother lives there. I think Manya wouldve liked Phoenix.
ELAINEMmm, gorgeous, exquisite town. So, whats happening with your apartment?
ISAACOf course its very hot there. Ill have to get uh air conditioner.
ELAINEOh, you can have mine. Ill ship it out to you. (Isaac isn't listening to Elaine) But what about that big apartment on West End Avenue?
ISAACAlthough they say its a dry heat.
ELAINEDry, wet... (trying to get through to him) whats happening with your apartment?
ISAACI dont even know if I should take my winter clothing.
ELAINEI have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and Ill watch it for you and Ill live there and Ill make sure that nothing happens to it.
ISAACOh, the apartment. Jeffreys taking the apartment.
ELAINEOh, Jeffrey.
JERRYYou know Jeffery?
ELAINEYeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department.
HELENIts raining.
JERRYIts raining? Its raining. The game will be postponed. Well play tomorrow.
MORTYBelieve me, I wouldnt bother you if the army hadnt closed that base in Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something here.
NEPHEWI cant. Ill get in trouble.
MORTYOh, for Gods sake!
GEORGEWho gets picked off in softball? Its unheard of.
JERRYIts never happened to me before.
ELAINEI remember saying to myself, Why is Jerry so far off the base?
JERRYIll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
GEORGEAnd then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?
JERRYI thought there were two outs.
ELAINEI couldnt believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.
JERRYIt was the single worst moment of my life.
GEORGE(smiling) What about Sharon Besser?
JERRYOh, well, of course. Nineteen-seventy-three.
ELAINEMakes you wonder, though, doesnt it?
JERRYWonder about what?
ELAINEYou know... (looking up) the spirit world.
JERRYYou think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
ELAINEI never saw anyone play like that.
JERRYBut I went to the funeral.
ELAINEYeah, but that doesnt make up for killin her.
GEORGEMaybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.
JERRYDont you think she woulda heard I was there?
GEORGENot necessarily.
JERRYWho figures and immigrants gonna have a pony?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYWhat is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police dont use them for, you know, crowd control. (Jerry crouches down, and makes like hes riding a pony.) Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, Im talking to you. Behind the barricades! So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldnt it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the... Baltic, thats two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right there. Baltic. Yeah, thats it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there.