Jerry's Standup
JERRYMost men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guys out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, its true, men hear a drill, its like a dog whistle. Just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, Honey, I think Jims working on something over there. So they run over to the guy. Now they dont actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. Thats what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, What are you using, a Phillips-head? You know, we feel involved. Thats why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, thats just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they dont cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, thatll hold.
GEORGEI had to say something. (chuckles) I had to say something. Everything was going so well. I had to say something.
JERRYI dont think you did anything wrong.
GEORGEI told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I dont tell you.
JERRYWe can only thank God for that.
GEORGEIm outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) Its only a matter of time now.
JERRYYoure imagining this. Really.
GEORGEOh, no. No no no no.
GEORGEIll tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket.
JERRYWhat floss? When?
GEORGEWe were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, I looked down; theres this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.
JERRYAh, mint.
GEORGEOf course. So, Im looking at it. I look up, I see shes looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just..
JERRYSo let me get this straight. She saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her.
GEORGEIf I didnt put that floss in my pocket, Id be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.
JERRYAnd youre sure the floss was the catalyst?
GEORGEYes, I am.
JERRYYou dont think it mightve had anything to do with that?
GEORGEWhat? You dont like this?
JERRYIt looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.
KRAMER(to the phone) Oh, theyve got a cure for cancer. See, its all big business. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (to the phone again) Yeah yeah yeah yeah take my number. 555-8643. Okay, here he is.
JERRY(to Kramer) Who is it?
KRAMERTake it.
JERRYWho is it?
KRAMERIts for you.
JERRY(to the phone) Hello? (disappointed) Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) No. Uh, I was out of town. I just got back. Kramer doesnt know anything. Hes just my next-door neighbor. Uh, nothing much... Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. Im meeting somebody... Uh, Wednesday? Wednesdays okay... All right. Uh, Im a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?... Okay... Yeah... Right... Thanks... Bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone.
KRAMERWell, its your phone. He wanted to talk to you.
JERRYMaybe I didnt want to talk to him.
KRAMERWell, why not?
JERRYHe bothers me. I dont even answer the phone anymore because of him. Hes turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday.
GEORGEWhat do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? Were not going?
JERRYWere going. Thats next Wednesday.
GEORGEOh. Who is this guy?
JERRYHis name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I wouldve been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table. Hes so self-involved.
KRAMERThats for me. (to the phone) Kramerica Industries. Oh, hi, Mark. No no no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie...
JERRYCan you conduct your business elsewhere?
KRAMER(ignoring Jerry) No no no. Im talking about a whole chain of em. Yeah.
GEORGEI dont know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, Ill tell you that.
JERRYI dont bother with him. Hes been calling me for seven years. Ive never called him once! Hes got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if hes paying attention.
GEORGEI dont understand why you spend time with this guy.
JERRYWhat can I do? Break up with him? Tell him, I dont think were right for each other. Hes a guy! At least with a woman, theres a precendent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it.
GEORGENo no no no, you have to approach this as if he was a woman.
JERRYJust break up with him?
GEORGEAbsolutely. You just tell him the truth.
JERRYThe Truth.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYAs a guy I dont know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I dont know how to say, Bill, I feel I need to see other men. Do you know what I mean? Theres nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think thats the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because theyre two guys. Thats almost all we need to have in common. Cause sports sports and women is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is, So, whats in the refrigerator?
JOEL...so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him. And I think, uh, Geraldo.
JERRYYou know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really... interesting. He would-
JOEL(to the counter of the restaurant) Hey hey hey hey, were starving here! Weve been waiting here for ten minutes already!
JERRY(testing Joel) So, Im thinking about going to Iran this summer.
JOELI have to eat! I mean, Im hypoglycemic.
JERRYAnyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. (Joel shakes his head agreeing; Jerry smiles) You know, its their annual terrorist luncheon.
JOELYeah.
JERRY(cont'd) Im gonna do it in Farsi.
JOELDo you think I need a haircut?
CLAIREAre you ready?
JERRYYeah, Ill have the egg salad on whole wheat.
JOEL(to the waitress) Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I dont want that processed turkey. (to Jerry) I hate it.
WAITRESSI think its real turkey.
JOELIs there a real bird in the back?
WAITRESSNo, theres not bird but-
JOELWell, how do you know for sure? Look, why dont you do me a favor. Why dont you go in the back and find out, okay? (The waitress leaves.) Unbelievable.
JERRYHow can you talk to someone like that?
JOELWhat are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
JERRYListen, Joel. Theres something I have to tell you...
JOEL(laughing) Wait, youll never guess who I ran into.
JERRY AND JOELHoward Metro.
JOELHe asked me if I still saw you. I said, Sure, I see him all the time. Were still great friends. Anyway, Howard says hello. (laughs)
JERRYListen, Joel, I dont think we should see each other anymore.
JOELWhat?
JERRYThis friendship Its not working.
JOELNot working? What are you talking about?
JERRYWere just not suited to be friends.
JOELHow can you say that?
JERRYLook, youre a nice guy, its just that... we dont have anything in common.
JOEL(starting to cry) Wai-Wait. What did I do? Tell me. I want to know what I did.
JERRYY-You didnt do anything. Its not you, its me. Its- this is very difficult.
JOELLook, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know youre a very busy guy.
JERRYNo, its not that.
JOEL(crying) Youre one of the few people I can talk to.
JERRYOh, come on. Thats not true.
JOELI always tell everybody about you. Tell everybody to (to the rest of the coffee shop) GO SEE HIS SHOW! (to Jerry) I mean, Im your biggest fan!
JERRYI know, I know.
JOELI mean, youre my best friend.
JERRYBest friend- Ive never been to your apartment.
JOELI cannot believe that this is happening. I cant believe it.
JERRYOkay, okay. Forget it. Its okay. I didnt mean it.
JOELDidnt mean what?
JERRYWhat I said. Ive been under a lot of stress.
JOELOh, youve been under a lot of stress.
JERRYJust, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? Im sorry. I didnt mean it. I took it out on you. Were still friends. Were still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, Ill tell you what. Ive got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on.
JOELTonight?
JERRYNo, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I wouldve said tonight.
JOELDo you really want me to go?
JERRY(lying) Yes.
JOELOkay. (Jerry gives him some napkins to clean himself up) Yeah, okay. Great! That would be, thatd be great. So, next Wednesday.
JERRYNext Wednesday.
JOELWhere is that waitress? (to the counter) Hey!
GEORGE...she calls me up at my office
JERRYYeah.
GEORGE(cont'd) she says, We have to talk.
JERRYUgh, the four worst words in the English language.
GEORGEThat, or Whos bra is this?
JERRYThat is worse.
GEORGESo we order lunch, and were talking. Finally, she blurts out how its not working.
JERRYReally.
GEORGESo, Im thinking, as shes saying this, Im thinking great, the relationships over. But the egg salads on the way. So now I have a decision Do I walk or do I eat?
JERRYHm. You ate.
GEORGEWe sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship.
JERRYSomeone says, Get out of my life, and that doesnt affect your appetite?
GEORGEHave you ever had their egg salad?
JERRYIt is unbelievable.
GEORGEIts unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didnt even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich.
JERRYHow much could you possibly have in there?
GEORGEIts my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know a guy who took his vacation on his change.
JERRYYeah? Whered he go, to an arcade?
GEORGE(sarcastically) Thats funny. Youre a funny guy.
JERRYCmon, move up.
CUSTOMEROh great, Ewings hurt.
GEORGEEwings hurt? How long is he going to be out?
CUSTOMERA couple of days at the most but...
GEORGEGeez.
JERRYOh, God.
GEORGEI got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing.
JERRYListen, George, little problem with the game.
GEORGEWhat about it?
JERRYThe thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh..
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYI gave your ticket to Horneck.
GEORGE(not believing him) You what?!
JERRYYeah, Im sorry. I had to give it to Horneck.
GEORGENo! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck?
JERRYCmon, cmon, go ahead, move up.
GEORGEWhy did you give him my ticket for?
JERRYYou didnt see him. It was horrible.
GEORGEOh, cmon, Jerry. I cant believe this.
JERRYI had to do it.
GEORGEOh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills?
TELLERIm sorry, sir. We cant do that.
JERRYDo you want to go with him? You go. I dont mind.
GEORGEIm not going with him. I dont even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before.
TELLERLook, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself.
GEORGEYou want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!
Jerry's Standup
JERRYNo, I do not like the bank. Ive heard the expression Laughing all the way to the bank. I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when theres nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, its empty and you still have to go through the little maze. (walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? Im almost at the front. Id like a reward for this please.
GEORGE...thirty-two, thirty-three-
JERRYGeorge.
GEORGENot now.
JERRYCould you stop the counting?
GEORGENnnnnnngaaa!
GEORGEWhat?!
JERRYCan I make it up to you? Ill give you fifty bucks for the jug.
GEORGEOh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.
JERRYWell, then Im not going to the game either. Okay? Ill give him both tickets.
GEORGEOh geeeee. (George pantomimes sticking a knife in his heart, and twists it.) Go, go!
JERRYI- no, I dont want to go.
GEORGEHe was really crying?
JERRYI had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and Ill just make up some excuse why I cant go to the game either.
GEORGEWait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as youre going to lie to the guy, why dont you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go?
JERRYGeorge, the man wept.
KRAMEROh, hey guys. Man, Im telling you, this pizza idea, is really going to happen.
GEORGEThis is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza?
KRAMERYeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air. And then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then- you slide it into the oven.
GEORGEYou know, you have to know how to do that. You cant have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven!
KRAMERIts all supervised.
GEORGEOh, well...
KRAMERAll of it. You want to invest?
GEORGEMy moneys all tied up in change right now.
KRAMERNo, Im tellin you, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie.
JERRYI-I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never- I cant imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but thats me. Alright
KRAMERThats you.
JERRYIm just saying..Alright.
KRAMEROkay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys.
JERRYOkay.
KRAMERYou know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted- okay.
KRAMEROne day, youll beg me to make your own pie.
JERRY(to the phone) Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you- Oh, Hi. Joel... Oh, you just came in... Listen, I cant make it to the game tonight... I, uh, have to tutor my nephew... Yeah, hes got an exam tomorrow... Geometry... You know, trapezoids, rhombus... Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. Theyre at the Will-Call window... And Im really sorry... Have a good time... Well talk next week... Okay... Yeah, I dont... Fine.. Fine... Bye.
GEORGETrapezoid?
JERRYI know. Im really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse rolodex.
ELAINECome on, lets go do something. I dont wanna just sit around here.
JERRYOkay.
ELAINEWant to go get something to eat?
JERRYWhere do you want to go?
ELAINEI dont care, Im not hungry.
JERRYWe could go to one of those uh cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
ELAINEWhat are we gonna do there? Talk?
JERRYWe could talk.
ELAINEIll go if I dont have to talk.
JERRYThen well just sit there.
ELAINEOkay. Im gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad of paper by the phone; reading) Picking someone up at the airport, jury duty, waiting for cable guy...
JERRYOkay, just hand that over, please.
ELAINEOh, what is this?
JERRYIts a list of excuses, its for that guy, Horneck, whos at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and I dont have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing?
ELAINEI got some for you.
JERRYI dont need any more.
ELAINENo no no no no, these are good. Listen, listen You ran out of underwear, you cant leave the house.
JERRY(not amused) Very funny.
ELAINEHow about Youve been diagnosed as a multiple personality. Youre not even you. Youre Dan.
JERRYIm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?
ELAINEHere, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe youre doing this. This is absolutely infantile.
JERRYWhat can I do?
ELAINEDeal with it. Be a man!
JERRYOh no. Thats impossible. Id rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying. Tears. Accompanied by mucus.
ELAINEYou made a man cry? Ive never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didnt cry. I got the cab.
JERRYCouple of tough monkeys.
KRAMEROh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy!
JERRYGame?
KRAMERKnick game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We're getting hit by sweat!
JERRYWait. How does Horneck know you?
KRAMERLast week. When I, you know, gave you the phone. Hes really into my pizza place idea!
JERRYThis is too much.
ELAINEWait, what pizza place idea?
JERRYOh, no.
KRAMERYou get to make your own pie!
ELAINEOh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.
KRAMERYea.
JOEL(from the hallway) Kramer.
KRAMERYeah.
JERRYPerfect.
JOELHey.
KRAMEROkay, who wants meatloaf?
JERRY & ELAINENo thanks.
KRAMER(to Joel) Its gonna be hot in a minute.
JOELSo, I though you were tutoring your nephew?
JERRYOh, we finished early.
JOELM-hm, Ill bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your nephew?
JERRYElaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.
ELAINEHi.
JOELWhoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split?
JERRYWere still friends.
JOELSo, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, Im going to take you. How about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) And why dont you come along?
ELAINEOh, no no. Tuesdays uh no good becasue weve got choir practice.
JERRYRight. I forgot about choir.
ELAINEWe-Were doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems.
JERRYRight. You know, the Wall being down and everything.
JOELWhat about Thursday night? I mean theyre playing the Sonics.
ELAINEHuh... Thursday is no good because weve got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.
JOELYou know, I should really try something like that.
JERRYYou really should.
JOELWell, lets just take a look here.
JOELForty-one home games. Let's see saturday night weve got the Mavericks. If you dont like the Mavericks, next Tuesday Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Lets see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You cant miss Air Jordan...
Jerry's Standup
JERRYYou know, I really... Ive come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that theyre just always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you dont really wanna see them. You dont call them, they call you. You dont call back, they call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you dont really have anything in common with is to pretend youre hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend theres a little desk around you. The only problem with this is theres no way you can say, Hey, its been great having you on the show. Were out of time.