JERRYSo I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. Its a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and Im supposed to feel bad. Is that the way its supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldnt you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. Cause its not easy to give someone the toe, youve gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and... (Jerry pretends to drive with one foot in the air, giving the toe.) Look at that toe, buddy. (He puts his foot down.) I mean, thats really insulting to get the toe, isnt it?
JERRYIs that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. (Jerry zips his bag ceremoniously.) Thats it. Done!
ELAINE(claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.
JERRY(proudly) I am...the master packer.
ELAINE(laughs) Yeah, right, youre the master packer.
JERRYWhat you must understand, Elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle. (Jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) Youve gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.
ELAINE(raising her hand) Scuse me, master packer...
JERRYYes.
ELAINEJust gimme your keys.
JERRYAll right, sir. (He tosses Elaine his keys. The apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry presses the first button; to the intercom) George?
GEORGE(from the intercom) Yeah.
ELAINEOkay, so, now, is there anything else I need to know about this place?
JERRYUh, yeah, the, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower.
ELAINEOkay, this is quite a place.
JERRYTheres more. The refrigerator.
JERRYDeduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. (He uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the fridge.) No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (He closes the fridge.) And I cannot overstate this No soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
ELAINEIll eat out.
JERRYOne more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour. Do it in the tub.
GEORGE(to Jerry) Ready?
JERRYYeah, one sec.
GEORGEHey, Elaine.
ELAINEHi.
GEORGEComing to the airport with us?
ELAINENo, Im staying here for the weekend. Im getting a break from my roommate.
GEORGEOh, the actress-waitress?
ELAINENo, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in some dinner theater production of A Chorus Line. So, now all day long shes walking around the apartment singing, God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it! Shes gonna get it right in her...
GEORGESo just kick her out.
ELAINEShes on the lease! George you have got to find another place for me.
GEORGEYeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price-range. (to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.
JERRYIm not looking.
GEORGENo no no, this ones different. This ones a beauty!
JERRYYeah, whats it like?
GEORGEI havent seen it yet, but its a two-bedroom, its on the uh, west 83rd, bout a half block from the park?
JERRYHow much?
GEORGEUh, twice what youre payin here, but its a great building. Its two bedrooms!
JERRYTwo bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George gives Elaine a look while Jerrys back is turned. Jerry turns around.) I saw that.
ELAINEYou oughta at least take a look at it.
JERRYReally? Why?
ELAINECause then I could move in here.
JERRYOhhhh...
ELAINEIts time you got outta here anyway.
GEORGEYeah, tell im. But quickly, Im double parked here.
ELAINEListen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have no hot water, you cant have soft cheese...
GEORGELets not forget the radiator. The steam has been on here for ten years. No human can turn this off.
ELAINEJerry, come on, youre doin okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldnt have to live like this.
JERRYLike this? You just said you wanted to live here.
ELAINEWell, for me its a step up. Its like moving from Iceland to Finland.
GEORGEJerry, what do you, you wanna, you wanna see the place or not?
JERRYI cant think about it now. Come on, Im going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.
JERRYElaine. (Jerry puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and points it at the spot the TV usually occupies. The TV is not there. He continues to point the remote at random things around the room, searching for the TV.) ELAINE!
ELAINE(from the bathroom) JERRY! (Elaine enters the living-room.) Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?
JERRYGreat, I had fun. Wheres the TV, wheres the VCR?
JERRYWhat?
ELAINEThey were stolen.
JERRYStolen? When?
ELAINEA couple a hours ago. The police are coming right over.
JERRYStolen?
ELAINE(looking at Kramer) Someone left the door open.
JERRY(to Kramer) You left the door open?!
KRAMERUh, Jer, well you know, I was cookin and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back!
JERRYWait, you left the lock open or the door open?
KRAMER(guiltily) The door.
JERRYThe door? You left the door open?
KRAMERYeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.
JERRYYeah, and?
KRAMERWell, I got caught up... watching a soap opera. The Bold And The Beautiful.
JERRYSo the door was wide open?
KRAMERWide open!
JERRY(to Elaine) And where were you?
ELAINEI was at Bloomingdales... waiting for the shower to heat up.
KRAMERLook, Jerry, Im sorry, Im uh- you have insurance, right buddy?
JERRYNo.
KRAMER(shocked) How can you not have insurance?
JERRYBecause I spent my money on the Clapgo D-29. Its the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw. The door... (Jerry pushes the door shut.) ...MUST BE CLOSED!!
KRAMERJerry! Im gonna find your stuff. Im gonna solve it, Im on the case, buddy, Im on the case.
JERRYYeah, dont investigate, dont pay me back, it was an accident.
KRAMER(theatrical) I made a mistake.
ELAINEThese things happen.
KRAMERIm human.
JERRYIn your way.
POLICEMANLets see, thats, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that bout it?
ELAINEAnswering machine.
JERRY(disappointed) Answering machine. (jovially) Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.
POLICEMANWhat do you mean?
JERRYIts a joke.
POLICEMANI see. Well, mister Seinfeld uh, well look into it and uh, well let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything.
JERRYYou ever find anything?
POLICEMANNo.
JERRYWell, thanks anyway.
POLICEMANYou bet.
ELAINEI didnt get that joke either.
JERRYThe crook has the machine. The messages arent for him. Hes the crook. Why would he answer- (Jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see George standing behind him.) How did you get in here?
GEORGEI walked in, your lobby door is broken again.
JERRYAgain?
GEORGEI dont know how you put up with this.
ELAINEYeah, tell im George.
JERRY(to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here?
ELAINEYes! You dont understand. Im living with Ethel Merman without the talent.
JERRY(to George) Is that uh, other apartment still available?
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, its very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say, Call the police. You really should call the police. So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV, you think, Yeah, Im calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts... Im gonna see some real action. Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house, they fill out The Report. They give you Your Copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I dont really think were gonna crack this case, do you? Its not like Batman, where theres three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up, hes dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, hes a PENGUIN!
ELAINEOh, well, come on. This is an apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live. Oooh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work?
GEORGEI didnt know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, that's incredible.
JERRYHow do you get all that wood in here?
ELAINEThey deliver it.
JERRYThey deliver wood?
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYWhat do you tip a wood guy?
GEORGEI didnt know there was a fireplace.
ELAINELook! Look at- look at this! Theres a garden.
GEORGEA garden! I cant believe theres a garden!
JERRYWould I have to get a gardener?
ELAINEYeah, you can get a gardener.
JERRYYou tip him?
ELAINEYou can.
GEORGE(to Elaine) You dont tip a gardener!
ELAINEYou can tip a gardener.
GEORGEYou dont need a gardener.
ELAINEJerry, you can barbecue back here.
JERRYThey deliver the coal?
ELAINESure, its...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood.
JERRYOh, then I gotta tip him.
ELAINEOh, damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light!
JERRYI dont have any plants.
GEORGEI have plants. (snorts)
ELAINEJerry, look at this closet! Look at this! Im walking in it! (Elaine walks into the closet.) Its a walk-in. Can you believe it? Im nuts about this, what do you think?
JERRYI like that. (He opens the closet. Elaine walks out with an angry look.) What do you think, George?
GEORGEIts your decision.
JERRYIm takin it, Im takin the place. Im gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place. Im livin here...Im movin.
ELAINE(laughing with joy) Your movin? That means Im movin. (She hugs Jerry.) Geeeeee (to George) isnt that incredible!
GEORGE(unenthusiastic) Congratulations.
ELAINEWhat about the couch?
JERRYYou like the couch? Ill tell you what Im gonna do.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYYoure movin in, youre a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...a hundred and fifty dollars. (Elaine is shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall.) Get it outta here right now, take it out the door, I dont even wanna see it, go, get it out.
ELAINEA hundred and fifty dollars? A hundred and fifty dollars for what? For this couch?
JERRYYeah!
ELAINEFor this couch?!
JERRYOkay, you tell me. What is it worth?
ELAINEOkay, uh, Ill tell you what. I could go as high as uh... (She takes a closer look at couch.) I dont know, maybe...twenty dollars?
JERRYYeah?
GEORGE(from the intercom) Yeah, its George.
JERRYCome on up. (Jerry presses the second button and opens the apartment door. He walks back to the couch.) Oh, all right, forget it, Im gonna take it with me now... (He picks up the cushions.) Im just gonna pack up the cushions right now...
ELAINEOkay okay okay okay, you win. Forty dollars.
JERRY(continuing unphased) You wanna get the other end, cause I wanna get it in the hall.
ELAINEFifty dollars, okay? Fifty dollars, is that all right?
JERRYFifty dollars?
ELAINEUh-huh.
JERRYThank you very much.
ELAINEThank you very much.
GEORGEHey, whats goin on?
ELAINEI just bought Jerrys couch for fifty dollars.
JERRY(to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.
GEORGE(frantic) Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all. Do not feel like you have to take it.
JERRYWhy?
GEORGEIf youre having second thoughts, if you didnt want it, dont worry about it because uh, you know, I, I...I could take it, you know.
JERRYYou could take it? You want it?
GEORGENo, I dont want it. I want it, if you dont want it.
JERRYSo you do want it.
GEORGENo I, I want it if you dont want it.
JERRYYou just said you wanted it!
GEORGENo, Im saying, if a situation arose in which you didnt want it, I might take it.
JERRYSo take it.
GEORGEHow can I take it?
JERRYHow can I take it?
GEORGEIts your apartment!
JERRYHow can I want it now, if you want it?
ELAINEExcuse me, uh, I dont mean to cause any trouble here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?
GEORGEYes, but I am not taking it.
JERRYI...am not taking it.
ELAINEWell, one of you better damn well take it!
JERRYWell, whaddaya wanna do here?
GEORGEI, I dont know.
JERRYDo you wanna flip a coin?
GEORGEWho flips? Youll flip, Ill call.
JERRYOkay, fine. (Jerry takes a coin from his pocket.) This is the official flip. No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and thats it. Agreed?
GEORGEIm good.
ELAINEI dont know, who to root for, Georges place has carpeting.
JERRYAll right, now you call it in the air.
GEORGENo catchin.
JERRYNo no.
GEORGEFlip it.
GEORGEHeads!
JERRYTails!
GEORGENo, it hit the table, it hit the table.
JERRYSo what?
GEORGEInterference! You cant count that! Come on, are you crazy?! The coin cannot touch anything, it affects it.
JERRYYou didnt call no interference!
GEORGEYou dont have to call that! Thats a rule!
JERRYI dont believe this.
GEORGEOh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it!
JERRYI dont wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do you think?
ELAINEId better not.
JERRYWell, Ill tell you what. Ill choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...thats it, you gotta win three.
GEORGEOkay. (They walk around each other.) OK. Ill choose you. Whaddaya want?
JERRYOdds.
GEORGEI want evens.
JERRYGood.
GEORGEYou got odds.
JERRYYou got evens.
GEORGERight, ready?
JERRYFor the apartment.
BOTHOnce, twice, three, shoot!
JERRYMine!
BOTHOnce, twice, three, shoot!
JERRYMine!
BOTHOnce, twice, three, shoot!
GEORGEMine!
BOTHOnce, twice, three, shoot!
GEORGECongratulations...congratulations.
JERRYThanks.
GEORGEI'm just gonna...wash. (George walks to the bathroom; screaming) WHY DID I PUT UP TWO? WHY DID I PUT UP TWO?
KRAMERJerry, I think Im on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall?
JERRYYeah.
KRAMERThe last couple a days hes been acting very strange. I think hes avoiding me.
JERRYHard to imagine.
KRAMERYeah! And get this I just got off the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, I went, Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.
KRAMER..you know, very casually,
JERRYRight.
KRAMER(cont'd) so that he was gonna take me into his confidence.
ELAINESo what did he say?
KRAMERWhat stuff?
JERRYOoh, (to Elaine) case closed!
KRAMERNo, you dont understand, you see, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, Im gonna go over there, Im gonna borrow some tea. If I dont get back in five minutes, maybe youd better call the police.
JERRYOkay, starting...NOW!
KRAMERYeah!
Jerry's Standup
JERRYOne of the problems in life is that when youre a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, I got the front seat I wanted the front seat! I called it. And the other kid knows hes got nothing to say He called it. What can I do? If there was a Kid Court Of Law, it holds up. Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat And the judge would go, Did he call it? Well no, he didnt call- BANG! (Jerry imitates a judge banging his gavel.) He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled.
GEORGEI love the mirror in that bathroom! I dont know what in the hell it is. I look terrific in that mirror. (George sits.) I dont know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner.
JERRYIts a good mirror. (They look at their menus.) So, what are you gettin?
GEORGEI dont know, I cant eat. You, you cant have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this. Eggs out. Coffee out. French fries out. BLT out! I go to visit my grandparents three big brisket sandwiches, Im sittin here with a carrot! Theyre closing in on a hundred, Im sayin to them, How can you eat that stuff? (They look at their menus again.) Im so sick about losin that choose, you dont know.
JERRYAll right, forget it, forget it. Im not taking the place!
GEORGEWhat?!
JERRYHow can I live there?
GEORGEWhy not?!
JERRYLook at you, youre still thinking about it. Ill never feel comfortable.
GEORGEOh, get outta here.
JERRYHow can I ever have you over? Youll sit there moping.
GEORGEI wont mope.
JERRYYoure already moping! Would you take the place?
GEORGENo, impossible! Its your apartment.
JERRYYou found the place.
GEORGEYou won the choose.
JERRYAll right, forget it, its over, Im not moving.
GEORGEWell, me neither.
JERRYDefinitely?
GEORGEDefinitely.
JERRYAlright, then just get rid of it. You wont have any problem.
GEORGENo, its not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon.
CAROLWhat apartment?
GEORGEOh, its a great place, its uh two-bedroom uh, west 83rd bout half block from the park.
CAROLWhats the rent?
GEORGEI dont know, what were doin here, this is ridiculous.
JERRYShe wanted to thank us for the apartment.
ELAINEI cant believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul. And I threw out my couch.
JERRYIf only the coin hadnt hit the table.
GEORGEThe table is interference, you know it!
JERRYIt is not!
GEORGEIt is too!
ELAINEMy roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carousel.
CAROLHi.
GEORGEHi, Carol.
CAROLI just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is Larry.
CAROLThis is George, Elaine and Jerry. These are the guys who got us the apartment.
LARRYOh, you dont know how grateful I am, if theres anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, were just so thrilled with this place.
CAROLIts a dream.
LARRYIm running in the park now, Ive lost weight, were barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.
GEORGEWere really glad for you.
ELAINECouldnt be happier.
JERRYIts wonderful.
CAROLDiane, Diane, come here.
CAROLThis is my new next door neighbour, Diane.
CAROL(to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine) Diane gave me the greatest backrub today. Shes a masseuse!
DIANEHow, how could you guys have turned this place down, its such a great location and its...so close to the park.
GEORGEWere aware of the proximity to the park, yes.
DIANEWell, it was nice to meet you.
GEORGENice meeting you.
JERRYHow late are the stores open? Im thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head.
MAN #1I get a call from Gilmour this morning, and get this theyre restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I gotta be there on the first of the month.
MAN #2Really? What are you gonna bout the apartment?
MAN #1Well, what can I do? Give it up.
JERRY, GEORGE & ELAINEWhats the rent?
JERRYSo I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me... the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. (shows several fingers to the audience) It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and uh (pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to person driving next to him) look at that toe, buddy. (puts his foot down) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it ? (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting at the table watching Jerry) JERRY Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. (zips his bag with exaggerated motions) That's it. Done! ELAINE (claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen. JERRY (proudly) I am...the master packer. ELAINE (laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master packer. JERRY What you must understand, Elaine, (picks up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into
JERRYAlright, sir. (tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom) George? GEORGE (outside over the intercom) Yeah
Jerry's Standup
JERRYI got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will SAY "Call the police. You really should call the police." So "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police
JERRYWhatta ya tip a "wood guy"? GEORGE (looking intensively at the form with the apartment description) I didn't know there was a fireplace?
JERRYOh, than I gotta tip him.
JERRYI don't have any plants.
Jerry's Standup
JERRYOne of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them SAY "I got the front seat" (other kid's voice) "I wanted the front seat!" (first kid again) "I called it". And the other called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law"
JERRYLook at you, you're still thinking about it, I'll never feel comfortable.
JERRYOh, than just get rid of it. You won't have any problem.
JERRYShe wanted to thank us for the apartment. (very irritated)